Take a wilderness of ruin, spread with mud quite six feet deep; in this mud now cut some channels,then you have the line we keep. Now you get some wire that's spiky, throw it round outside your line, get some pickets, drive in tightly, and round these your wire entwine.

But on the front line where not a shot's been fired for nearly a year we're giving sight-seeing tours of No Mans Land and down in the dug-outs the only plans being made for the Christmas bash. Some of us, however, have been diverted by the titanic struggle now raging to elect our General Secretary.

Getting the required branch nominations was the first hurdle, easily jumped by MARK SERWOTKA who's bagged some 200 and clear favourite for relection. 4TM hopeful ROB BRYSON had to struggle to cross the 15 noms barrier but he's done it with a few to spare thanks to the support of the delectable SEVI YESIDALI and her minions in the MET POLICE.

Getting nominations is largely a formality for the Grandees and their PCS DEMOCRAT allies but it did provide the opportunity for the INDEPENDENT LEFT of Messrs MACDONALD and ROCK to pointedly abstain when MAREK's name came up. A massive five people turned up for IAN ALBERT's EGM with only three BEC members in attendance. The four to one vote for MAREK may not be a rousing endorsement of our General Secretary but it may reflect the real vote to come in more ways than one.

The only fireworks was at BRYSON'S own Central London DWP branch with the Grandees mobilising to get nominations for SERWOTKA including one from PHYLLIS OPOKU-GYIMAH who hasn't been seen in the office for six months because she's on secondment at Falconcrest. While BRYSON's back was turned (he was doing a personal case) a group of LU supporters swooped down on his Marylebone office to leaflet members entering the building. None of Bryson's men knew who they were but they told me that the Grandee band was led by a "fat man" and a "scruffy woman with glasses". Well the rotund fellow could have been SPAGGERS. Unkind reports suggest the other person was Janice, although this can probably be discounted as she doesn't normally attend to frontline work.

They gave out a Serwotka address and an anonymous leaflet attacking BRYSON on the grounds that he's never led a PCS campaign in his life ( TRUE ); claiming he was a REAMSBOTTOM fan (FALSE); that 4TM would take PCS "back to the Dark Ages" (POINT OF VIEW) and pointing out that he was a former member of the SOCIALIST WANKERS PARTY (VERY TRUE ).

Poor old ROB is clearly not used to being on the receiving end of abuse he was quite happy to dole out against LEON BAUGH earlier in the year but he thinks the Grandee smears may backfire on them. Maybe but it didn't in Central London . BRYSON lost the nomination to SERWOTKA by one vote.

Still cheer up. It'll soon be Christmas and the AGM season will soon be on us again. But word is that at HMRC Coventry Taxes branch, one CHRIS HODDER won't be allowed to organise events again. Last year the branch decided to try and boost their AGM attendance beyond the usual three men and a dog by agreeing to invite KEV McHUGH on the back of his hilarious vote of thanks to PCS conference a couple of years ago. HODDER was dispatched to make all the necessary arrangements and he soon got hold of the relevant contacts in PCS and managed to secure NEC MEMBER McWHO for their AGM . The Branch Committee were delighted and pushed the boat out advertising the meeting with its witty, entertaining and funny guest speaker. Imagine the shock of the gathered hordes when guest speaker, NEC MEMBER KEVIN GREENWAY turned up and launched into a serious political analysis of the current economic meltdown. By the time he had got to a lengthy quote from page 43 of the TUC RECESSION REPORT even the dog had deserted to the pub. Still spare a thought for poor old KEVIN in his current hour of need. NEWCASTLE UNITED are down in the dumps and he's just recovering from SWINE FLU.

On the Home Office front Group President MARK HAMMOND, who recently abandoned his pro-4TM PCS 21 faction (see PFL passim ), has now joined Left Unity along with independent mentor JOHN OLIVER. It's reported he's very worried the ex C&E contingent who are joining the group are planning to usurp him so he's looking to consolidate his power base while he can. It's also well known that many, including MARTIN KELSEY and the HO NW branch are attempting to have him now deselected as the LU candidate. It's also known that PCS 21 are marshalling forces to mount a challenge meaning there may well be a three way split in the HO group for president come next year.

The HO group are really struggling. Their 'deal' with the bosses on integration at port (between immigration and customs) is up in May and the dept is already making plans for changes come May. HAMMOND is increasingly worried as it appears he cannot deliver what he has promised to date, made more difficult as the CUSSIES (ex C&E) don't mind doing immigration work, it's the mainly the "Immigration Service Union" ex-immigration staff who don't want to do customs work are complaining the most. HAMMOND is currently acting more in line with ISU policy than ISU crawlers themselves.

HAMMOND has been on the 4TM mailing list since its inception and he was getting their "secret" internal bulletin, and doubtless passing it on to the Grandees, right up until HOWARD FULLER heard about his defection on the grapevine last week. FULLERSHIT has sent HAMMOND an angry missive saying he considers this a "personal" rather than "just a political betrayal".

Back at the madhouse known as the Department of Health we have been informed that the increasingly unstable LEO SYRON has now been banned by the NEC from holding any union posts for 12 months. SYRON, who dresses like a Rhodesian settler with a weakness for Kippers brandy at Conference, spends much of his time churning out attacks against all that he considers his personal enemies. Whether or not any of this could be described as whistleblowing is a moot point.

But it's good news for DANNY WILLIAMS (Mr JANICE) who's finally set for his shoo-in for the Scottish SFTO post. The SFTO job had Danny's name writ large all over it ever since he got booted off the NEC. He didn't particularly like working for Siemans, it made the poor chap feel like an outsider. He's too old to pitch for the top job, so a nicely paid sinecure will see him to retirement. He can only reflect on what might have been. Which we'll remind him about from time to time. Good to see that another detested Scotsman's legacy of nepotism lives on in PCS. BARRY would be proud.

A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would be against his interests.

Niccolo Machiavelli

1469-1527

Will replace with less controversial swastika

The Week Ahead - Your Stars by Sigmund

This week, we look at what the stars hold for Leo.

As your sign suggests you are the King of the Jungle, but no Tony Blackburn. You are also the King of Self-Delusion, as lions live on the savannah, not the jungle. Idiot.

You also don't hunt, leaving that to any women you hang around with.

Therefore you are a starving, self-deluded layabout who deserves no space on the planet.

Here's what lies ahead for you.

Saturday - Your father-in-law walks in on you as you're taking his daughter up Trap 2. You're embarrassed, she's embarrassed; He's furious.

You've only just tied the knot with his other (and legal) daughter and you've already bagged the brace. It's just a good thing he didn't catch you with the poodle before the ceremony.

Sunday - The German couple upstairs invite you to theirs for a meal. Your behaviour is called into question when you misunderstand what they mean by Champagne and Caviar, and start urinating and defecating on their dining table.

Monday - You get a promotion at work. More pay and more responsibility. Wankers. Don't they realise all you want to do is sit in your cube and play Doom all day. Arseholes.

Tuesday - Your new wife forgives your infidelity. It's amazing, but then she's just in from Holland and comes - in both senses - with a foot pump.

Wednesday - The rowdy kids at the end of the street vandalise the tree outside your house. Your appearance at the front door with a chainsaw is entirely misconstrued.

Thursday - You can't get lesbians out of your head. You accidentally include it in a report for your boss on cheese sales in the North West.

You also can't get lesbians off the computer, hence your P45.

Friday - You decide a holiday is needed. In retrospect a tour of Auschwitz dressed as Adolph Hitler isn't a good idea.

You manage to escape the worst excesses of the lynch mob, but will forever have more in common with Hitler than most, except survivors of testicular cancer.

8 Million watch Question Time. Nick Griffin denies it ever happened.

When MPs were asked 'what do you think of the people who supported Nick Griffin'

23% said they should be gassed

31% said they should be burnt on a cross

11% said they should be stoned to death

33% said they should be sent back to where they came from

12% said they should all be sent to a concentration camp

14% said they should be starved to death

14% said Nick who?

17% said they thought Simon Cowell had been a little harsh and were not surprised

14% said that's the third time you've asked me

Correction

In our story last week about BNP leader Nick Griffin, he was described as 'a Fascist bastard.' This should have read 'a fat, greasy, smirking Fascist bastard.' We apologise for any confusion caused.

Shareholders bid to topple rail boss

A shareholders action group's aiming to oust Sir Topham Hatt from his chairmanship of Island of Sodor Railways.

They accuse the man known locally as The Fat Controller, of running an incompetant operation, relying too heavily of his fanciful 'Talking' engines.

"He's got this one called Thomas who is just the most useless engine ever used." Josh Frasier, the man behind the bid, said.

"For some reason Sir Topham thinks steam engines are still the answer, even though every other major rail franchise in the UK uses diesel or electric engines. The man's out of touch."

The action group say recent events on the island's extensive rail network have shown Sir Topham to be lacking the qualities needed for a modern Chief Executive.

"He says he gives the orders, but then lets his engines, which he says have a consciousness of their own, run the routes without any input fron a driver, conductor or signalman."

"So we have a situation where deliveries and services are running later because trains are being let loose across the island without any over-riding control."

Sir Topham Hatt, who has run the Isle of Sodor Railway since it started in the late 1930's has declined to comment on the bid to force him to quit, but his spokesman said they would be fighting the action group all the way.

"We won't give in to these bullies. We'll be at the AGM next month ready to defeat the opposition, assuming Thomas doesn't decide to take us to the beach instead, or cover us in jam." he said.

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