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ROUND AND ABOUT

by Judas Iscariot - April 2000

Spring in the air and, as usual, the knives are out in readiness for the elections. Amongst the assorted TROTS and REDS there is the usual speculation of a swing to the left -- though there's little sign of interest in the antics of UNITY or LEFT UNITY. What the cognoscenti are looking at is the outcome of the bitter semi-secret struggle amongst the right with the MODERATI once again coming out to battle ME FIRST for control of the union.

Though the first shots were fired long ago ME FIRST has taken the initiative by endorsing CAROL POPPLEWELL's "independent" bid for a vice-presidency -- threatening the two Moderati stooges lined up for the jobs. They've retaliated by fielding PAULINE ABRAHAMS* as a presidential challenge -- making it a three-horse race with ME FIRST leader DONNELLAN looking for another two years and perpetual candidate LEON BAUGH in with a good chance.

Officially the Moderati claim they are only doing it so that ABRAHAMS can put the entire Mod list on her election address -- the only way they can get mass publicity for their slate now that election inserts have been banned. But back in the ME FIRST camp there is little doubt that this is yet another bid by RAMSBLADDER to topple DONNELLAN even if it means giving BAUGH two years at the helm.

BARRY'S intelligence network (a network of grasses up and down the country run by BOYLE and McCANN) tell him that DONELLAN'S right-hand man, UNDY, is determined to smash the Moderati once and for all. They calculate that they've nothing to lose by jeopardising DONELLAN'S hold on the union and indeed they've everything to gain. A BAUGH win will put dear PETER out to graze and enable them to churn out the old TROT scare hysteria to rally the troops behind their banner. Will it work is another matter. Turnout is likely to be woefully low this year. Indifference and apathy are likely to be the major winners which will mean that crucial contests will be determined by the smallest of margins. BAUGH can only rely on LEFT UNITY for his vote. The secret UNITY bloc have refused to endorse him and are calling on their dwindling band of followers to go for DONELLAN -- a move designed to ensure that their band of high-grade full-time officials remain untouched until retirement. ABRAHAMS, barely known outside the ranks of the lower castes, can equally only rely on the increasingly inept Moderati machine. Which gives DONELLAN a good chance of winning either way. Whatever the outcome it looks like an interesting two years for RAMSBLADDER...

Meanwhile former PFL heroine AMANDA FRANKENSTEIN captured the headlines once again following her heroic action on a packed Thameslink commuter train last month. The delectable AMANDA, now married to FRANK CAMPBELL, and happily working for MSF, led an angry mob into the first-class compartment when they found they couldn't board the 9.45 to London Bridge. They pushed the guard aside -- a hapless jobsworth who bleated that they could only enter if they paid the full first class fare PLUS the penalty -- and bravely stood in the corridor until reaching their destination. Of course ESSEX MAN does this all the time, forcing the Southend to Fenchurch St line to scrap the upper-class altogether in the Eighties. And AMANDA, who edits the MSF rag, may have embarrassed her masters, not realising that first-class compartments are reserved for the likes of fat-cat directors and general secretaries who can't park their Jags in town.