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MAGAZINE - AUTUMN 1982


DEFEND PETER HEINRICH!
Peter Heinrich is under grave threat of disciplinary action following his heroic stand against the MENDICANT and the assorted REDS who now run the Union. He exposed to the Press, the threat by MENDICANT to `hang him from a meat hook' if he continued his campaign against them. Now, it appears that the REDS are trying to frame him on the trumped up charge of `bringing the Union into disrepute'. The PETER HEINRICH DEFENCE COMMITTEE has been set up to raise funds for the oncoming litigation. Please give generously. To - HEINRICH DEFENCE CAMPAIGN CPSA-DHSS BIRMINGHAM 1

DEFEND TONY LEDGERTON Famed fulltimer Tony Ledgerton is facing the wrath of his colleagues who are seeking to oust him from his well-earned post at Headquarters. Noted for his loyal service to the Crown, the photo shows him with the CPSA Birkenhead Black Caps Computer Centre Volunteers at Goose Green, in the Falkland Islands earlier this year. Lieut. Ledgerton certainly knows how to pack a punch! But will he survive against the Byzantine plots of Balham, of which this article is but one small barb. The Tony Ledgerton Defence Committee will be set up by the PFLCPSA as soon as someone can tell us who he is. Rush all information to your usual contact.

THE WASHING OF THE SPEARS
by our own Correspondent

It has been my misfortune to witness a sad day in the annals of the British Army, observed in the Press Balloon over hostile territory in this barbarous wilderness. Lord Chelmsford, Commander-In-Chief of Her Majesty's Forces in Natal, South Africa (MODSA) has today made available the details of a surprise attack by a force of approximately 50 ZULU warriors, under the command of the renegade Induna HARDINGO, on the MODSA General HQ at MOUNT ISANDABALHAM.

Horrific injuries have been sustained on many of the General Staff officers. Col. MARSHALL HERBERT CLARKE, affectionately known as `Chuckie' to the men, received an assegai between his legs, causing severe brain damage. Capt. WIGLEY-THING was shot in the head whilst stabbing one of the attackers in the back. Lieut. JUDGE, the hero of RORKES DRIFT, was felled by a fatal blow to the bank balance inflicting yet another wound to the famous arm. Subaltern WILDE attempted to rally the men with an injunction but was blown to bits by the ZULU warrior USAMMISSILE.

Capt. MURDOCH, l am appalled to report, acted in a manner not befitting an officer and a gentleman. Shortly after the onset by the savages he discarded his uniform, aligned himself to the left horn of the ZULU formation and pledged allegiance to HARDINGO. As the battle raged I could see that the position was hopeless and speedily departed on my balloon to the nearest Telegraph Office. There I filed this despatch with a trembling hand and a sorry heart.

JUST FANCY THAT `If the swine won't work, get rid of them.' NORMAN FOWLER commenting on the 22nd Sept NHS Action.

1. Will all cadres rush in news on receipt of this bulletin. 2. Will all Industrial Correspondents please renew their subscriptions by the end of November (£5.00). 3. Will Research Dept readers note that we would like the daily CPSA Press Cuttings Service for our records and please contact their PFL dealer if this can be done.

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  One of the following monthly readings is PERSONAL TO YOU. Each monthly forecast gives both your general and actual fortune.
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to repeat mistakes. People think you are stupid.
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward.Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Taurus people have B.O.
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini people commit incest.
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep when having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers.
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you are more likely to be queer. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libras have venereal disease.
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as dogs may think you are a tree and piss on you.

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STATEMENT OF CHANGES - EXCESSIVE ABSENCE

1. Due to the excessive number of absences during the past year it has become necessary to put the following new rules and procedures into effect immediately. These changes will not affect civil servants currently stationed abroad. New regulations will be announced later for those civil servants stationed abroad together with their spouses and dependants.

2. The existing sick leave regulations are now suspended, and a doctor's certificate will no longer be acceptable as proof of sickness. If a civil servant is able to attend a doctor's Surgery, attendance at work is possible. The alternative of self-certification will remain operative, but all pay will be suspended for the duration of the self-certification period.

3. Death, other than that of a civil servant is of no consequence. There is nothing that can be done for the departed and henceforth no paid leave will be granted for funerals. As this may cause some hardship Departments are authorized to point out the special scheme with the Ministry of Defence for lunch-time burials thus ensuring that no time is lost from work.

4. In respect of the death of a civil servant, absence will be recognized as legitimate.

5. Leave of absence for operations will not be considered except in exceptional circumstances unless the civil servant can produce evidence of need from a private medical insurance scheme. National Health Service certificates will not be considered reasonable cause' for paid absence.

6. Visits to the Toilet have also increased over the past year. Far too much time is spent on this particular practice. In future all civil servants shall go in alphabetical order. EXAMPLE: Those with a surname beginning with the letter `A' will go from 9.00 to 9.15 a.m. etc. Those unable to attend at the appropriate time of day will have to wait the following day when their turn would come up again.

ACTION

7. Departments are asked to implement the changes immediately

REVISED PAGES

8. Departments should substitute the attached revised pages for the corresponding pages of the Code

TREASURY CONTACT

9. Enquiries should be addressed to Mr. R E Grinlinton (01-273 5551 or GTN 273 5131) or Mr. C A Sharp (01-273 5131 or GTN 373 5I3I).

Authorised by D W RAYSON (HM Treasury) File reference HOA 28/243/01 Date of issue: 12 September 1982 ___________________________________________________________

ROUND AND ABOUT
by JUDAS ISCARIOT

Gloom and despondency are filling the hearts of the greedy who lusted after the coveted National Organizer Post. Following a bitter faction fight between the MENDICANT (which favoured FRANK TAYLOR) and the COMMISSAR PARTY, an obscure harpy, Ms JANE HUSTWIT from the ASTMS was awarded the fabulous post and purse. Nominated by aging playboy ASTMS fulltimer, JIM TERRY, and the TUC's finest son, Norman WILLIS, brother of the playwright TED, MS HUSTWIT's main hobby is boring the millions with her specious views on women's liberation.

Talking about women's liberation, the NEC's women's subcommittee has met, and endured a three hour lecture by an obscure Welshwoman, OLWEN OSMOND, who had to cut her monologue short when CHRIS KIRK informed her that she had to go home and get RAY'S tea ready. Back at the ranch, KEVIN RODDY's broom is sweeping clean. Now, NEC members will have to pay for their cherished gold-rimmed diaries, though TONY need not worry, the LAVENDER HILL deal is still going through. Now, the highly lucrative plot is being planned for the projected site of the joint CPSA-SCPS Palace when the unity talks have been concluded. Whether Mr. RAYWOOD is charging rent for the present incumbents, a GYPSY BAND which have at least put the site to some good use, remains to be seen.

Not seen at the trough recently has been Mr. JOHN ELLIS, who has spent the past month on vacation in DISNEYLAND. It is believed that the mysterious hand of RAY SHUTTLEWORTH had something to do with it. Nice one Ray, it'll look good in the COUNTRY TEAM MINUTES!

BIG JOHN need not worry, his foams DIANE WARWICK is soon to travel to the warmer climes of the Association of University Teachers, once she has swept aside the bleating of the AUT COMMISSARS who are making a last ditch attempt to prevent her taking up the General Secretaryship.

The DAYLIES GROUP are however sitting pretty, confident of the return to power of Mde LOSINSKA, following the ruin of CHARLIE IDIOT in a sea of costly litigation and the collapse of NODDY at the polls. This no doubt explains the lack of press interest in the fate of IDIOT's forays into the Courts.

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VICTORY PRESS Printed on Departmental machines, on Departmental Paper in Departmental time. Every photo-copier a printing press, Every office a revolutionary centre!

ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT!

FROM BALHAM TO PALESTINE,

REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!