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TUESDAY

The LUNITY machine swept the board in DWP as usual this year but not without some collateral damage. The former Mendicants who dominate Lunity are under fire from the SOCIALIST CARCASE over the GEC’s direction of the current pay and PDS (the despised new appraisal system) dispute, who argue with considerable justification that the only way to defeat Management is through a protracted struggle that combines national strikes with targeted selective actions. The CARCASE emergency motion, whose leading advocate is the indomitable LEE ROCK, fell by the narrowest of margins, and then only due to JIM McKAY’S Moderati delegation changing its mind during the tea-break and switching its votes to the GEC motion.

In the meantime congratulations to JIM McKAY, who won his seat on the GEC simply because so many Lunity voters confused him with their own favourite son, RUSSELL McKAY, who lost. Life’s not been too kind to RUSSELL these days. Almost immediately after his defeat in DWP he suffered another blow when he was ordered to stand down from a Learning Rep post (with its juicy 50 per cent facility time) by NEC member ALAN BROWN in favour of a new LENIN-type IAN WADDELL. Sadly for all concerned the wrong IAN WADDELL was handed the job and he refuses to join LEFT UNITY.

Jim McKay

And a big hand to the SOCIALIST CARCASE supporters who made a more forceful point by knifing high-caste SECRET LEFT time-server LAURA MARTIN in the polls which cost her seat and the juicy facility time at SEO wages that she enjoyed for so many years. COMRADE MARTIN used her membership of the COMMISSAR PARTY’S secret faction in the late and unlamented SOCIETY to feather her nest over the years. When she took her SEO promotion to DWP HQ and outside BA/Jobcentreplus she remained on 100 per cent facilities in the BA Group through the good offices of Mr MARK FISHER, BA HR Director. When the DWP Group was formed RED LAURA stood for the Departmental Directorate reserved seats whilst remaining in Essex branch which has no Departmental Directorate members.

RICHARD HALFPENNY, the last of the YORKSHIRE SOVIET, will not be with us this year. HALFBRAIN has fucked off to PORTUGAL for the EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP football. HALFWIT is a RUSSIA fan but as they’ve got no chance he’ll be rooting for the CZECH REPUBLIC. CURRIE is in Portugal too combining golf with the footie. But behind STUART’S back the mice are beginning to play.

The Moderati ANTI-BUNTER COALITION (ABC) met at the KING’S HOTEL last night to agree on a name for a new right-wing faction as FAT BOY SLIM has copyrighted the NATIONAL MODERATE GROUP name as well trousering all their cash. CURRIE is threatening all sorts of vengeance against anyone using the NATIONAL MODERATE GROUP name for election purposes without his express permission. The meeting was in fact jointly organised by IR Me First and the ANTI-BUNTERITES and was attended by some 46 delegates and observers plus two paid PFL informers.

Stuart Currie

The biggies included JAKE WILDE and the four Moderati Maidens on the NEC plus FATTY COX and JIM McKAY. The MAD MONK is a having a hip-replacement so JAKE was left to do his dirty work. Though nothing was eventually agreed apart from to meet again, the consensus was in favour of setting up a new right-wing faction, though nobody knows what to call it yet – see competition below. One old git in the audience, SIR ROY D’LEWIS (retd with bar) suggested retired members could be utilized to help distribute the new faction’s propaganda throughout the union, doubtless hoping that some remuneration would be forthcoming.

Joe Cox

And adios to MARK MURPHY, a Moderati nonentity once on the NEC, who has been made redundant. This is his last conference and he’s buying drinks for anyone who can remember him.

MYRTIN JYNKYNS is here again with his new MINOLTA camera and his adults-only LAPTOP. And a big hello to trainee delegate ANGELA DAPHNE ROSEMARY GUISBOROUGH GALLAGHER-SEAMAN (DWP Derby) who certainly has enormous credentials.

Kevin McHugh

The Worshipful BIG FAT GEORDIE BASTARD JOE COX is here for the week to finish off CURRIE and keep up the high standards of NEWCASTLE so long maintained by KEVIN McHUGH and his chums. In fact the newest branch in PCS comes from GEORDIELAND and IRCC BALLIOL PARK held its first AGM last week. The venue was the FOUR LANE ENDS CLUB in LONGBENTON, booked by branch secretary LES BROWN on the advice of McHUGH who was the guest speaker. Over 200 members turned up only to be told by the club steward that WOMEN would not be served at the bar. Needless to say this did not go down well with the thirsty sisters. While some organised convoys of men to get their orders in McHUGH and BROWN slunk away leaving Branch chair EDDIE NIXON to sort out the mess. At least we’ve been spared the return of KEVIN RODDY, one-time CPSA President and MENDICANT supremo who succumbed to allure of promotion in the 1980s. No longer a left-wing firebrand, ex-comrade KEVIN decided to throw his hat into the ring for the highly lucrative North-Eastern regional office full-time post that was recently up for grabs. A bloke from UNISON won it. A lass from the Inland Revenue, JENNY ATKINSON came second and RODDY came third.

Meanwhile the full-time JOCKOCRACY had a JOLLY BOYS OUTING to DERBY DAY last Saturday. MARTIN BOYLE, HANSON, TERRY COLLINS, PARRY and the others went to do their money and consume copious amounts of alcohol. In the closing-time scrabble for the station, HANSON was left crawling on all fours much to the dismay of his fellow full-timers who feared he would slow them down. While HANSON muttered “I’ll get there in my own time” the others debated whether to leave him and do a runner for the last train. Fortunately for LUCKY JIM one of them mercifully dumped him into the back of a taxi and paid the cabbie to take back to his understanding spouse.

Talking about drunkards STEVE CAWKWELL of the TROTSKYITE TENDENCY has really taken to his elevation tothe lofty circles of Fulltimerdom. He was seen tottering around the streets of Brighton on MONDAY morning oblivious to the world.

Les Priestley

It’s been fun and games in INLAND REVENUE as well. LES PRIESTLEY’S IR ME FIRSTERS are mounting a big offensive to take over the department as a stepping stone to all-union domination. Flushed with the perceived success of the STEEL & NEWLYN campaign and irrespective of the face that they lost, the MAD MONK has mobilised his followers in BRIGHTON for renewed struggle. JAKE WILDE, one of LES’S chief henchmen, was prowling round the Conference Centre, stuffing copies of PRIESTLEY’S new theoretical journal THE ALTERNATIVE VIEW – Let’s Stop the Left taking over our Union! into the pockets of unsuspecting delegates and observers. Full of lurid tales about the RED TERROR to come in the REVENUE, (apparently to be led by Mrs ALAN RUNSWICK and DAVE BEAN) copies are still available from WILDE – he’s a sharply-dressed IR high-caste often seen wandering around the bar looking for more dupes.

Meanwhile the ME FIRSTERS are gunning for the hapless CLIVE BRYANT who was involved in a fracas with GORDON EASTWOOD at an IR social last Christmas when some ill-chosen words led to fisticuffs. Unfortunately it happened on Revenue premises and BRYANT, an HEO and leading light in Revenue Lunity has now been sacked. On hearing the news of his dismissal DAVE NEWLYN fisted the air and shouted YEEEESSSSSS!!!!

BRYANT was re-elected to the IR GEC and he has lodged a service appeal. But the ME FIRSTERS want him off claiming he can no longer represent the membership. Their real motive, however, is that they want their own CATH COLBECK to be called up as she was runner-up.

The Name Game

Following on from the meeting in the Kings Hotel reported above, one Technicolour PFL T-Shirt in your own size will be awarded to the winner of this weeks “Name A Moderate Faction” competition.

Here is a list of suggested keywords:

Social, United, Centre, Democratic, Provisional, Moderate, Members, Real, Forum, First, Alliance, Front and so on.

Suggestions so far in include:

Right Unity
The Moderate Tendency
MODS’R’US
Progressive Democrats
Democratic Moderates (courtesy PAT WOMERSLY)
But the clear favourite at the moment is:

Continuity NMG

1 Cleaning your keyboard

Keyboards should be cleaned regularly. Every Tuesday is fine. Follow these simple guidelines and your keyboard will never let you down.

1 With a strong waterproof double sided tape, stick the keyboard to the roof of your car, with the keys facing upwards.
2 Take the car through the carwash on full program. (Important – make sure the program includes hot air drying jets.
3 Remove the keyboard from the roof of your car
4 Respray your car roof to repair any damage done by the tape.
5 Place the keyboard in a hot oven (Gas Mark 6, 200 C) for about 20 minutes per pound. Reduce drying times as appropriate for fan assisted ovens.
6 Remove all the keys and use a powerful vaccuum cleaner to remove all traces of dust and other loose debris.
7 Replace all the keys. Use another keyboard to remind you where they all go.
8 Plug it in and test it.
9 Throw it away and use the other keyboard (see step 7)

The Fundamentals

"Prayers Are Politics"

We welcome new Talibs to this Annual Madrassa. You have much to learn from your elders. Pay close attention and look to the Imams for guidance. Remember you are free to apply your branch mandates under the Will of Allah. From time to time we will seek to provide clarification of His Will in regard to the week’s agenda. Devout believers will cast their votes accordingly. The battle, this week, has moved inside the Conference Hall and we shall continue until we win this battle, or die in the cause and meet our maker. We issue a call to the young generation to prepare for the holy war because Jihad in this time of crisis for Islam is an obligation for all Muslims. Recent events have split the whole world into two camps: the camp of the faithful and the camp of the unbeliever. Delegates must choose carefully which side they are on.   There is only one God, and I declare that there is no prophet but Muhammad.

We welcome new Believers to the bosom of conference. We pray for the light and love of our Lord to lead us in a truly Christian conference. Delegates need no reminding that our mandate comes from the Good Book. Our task this week is to begin the fight back against the Satanic forces who have taken control of our Union and ensured that God has lifted his protection from us. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy millions of innocent little babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the abortionists, and the feminists, and the homosexuals and the lesbians who are actively campaigning to make theirs a legitimate alternative lifestyle, the Civil Liberties and Privacy lobbies, the Pagans and the Atheists and all others who have tried to secularise this Union and keep God out of our deliberations -- I point my finger in their faces and say “You helped this happen!” You’ll be hearing more from me as the week goes on. Have a nice day for Jesus. AMEN

Official Tacky T-Shirts are now available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10. Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production.

Please give generously and often. Folding Cash preferred, but cheques made payable to PFLCPSA are acceptable, backed by a current cheque guarantee cardten pound note. It's safe this year to give donations to the bearded chap with the walking stick, Oxfam suit and appalling snuff habit - he's retarded/retired. Remember - we depend on a small number of drunken hooligans/ fearless agents who daily risk losing their place at the bar/ life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Purdah/Paradise.

The Website is up and running (since 1978) at www.pflcpsa.com

A Good Slave Seeks and Finds Delight in His Master’s Success (Matthew 22 - Revised Aramco)