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CONFERENCE 1980

MONDAY

NEC ELECTION SHOCK HORROR

Rumours are already widely circulating about the NEC results, and the Broad Left's ragged assemblage of hacks last night were downcast as they heard the news that the Campaign for Real Union Democracy (CRUD) has secured a massive majority for the Daydreams group, who lay dubious claims to the name “Moderates” presumably compared to General Pinochet). NEC bore Steve Corbishley was doing the rounds (but not buying any) with apocalyptic predictions of a 22-6 majority to the Right.

Frank Taylor (well known chauvinist porker) is maintaining that the result will be much closer: 16 - 10 to the Right, and the whole thing could shift on departmental reservations. Taylor of course has a large sum invested in ensuring that this will be the result. The usual fiver will ensure that no further revelations are made on this subject.

Cackling Kate Lozenge has of course won the Presidency, leaving Nero Lever and toothless wonder Clotman well behind. Even further behind were no-hopers Neil Healy from SWP and the washed-up Welshman Williams, both last seen drowning their sorrows at a sleazy bar not far from Conference, commiserating with each other on their accumulation of only a few hundred votes.

At the Daylies banquets on Friday and Saturday there was clearly a mood of victory in the air, as reported by our PFLCPSA moles, and even the normally miserable Robin Unworthy was seen to leer slightly, while distant applause was heard from Sean O'Brien, who was comfortably ensconced under the table.

The implication of a Daylies victory has not been lost on the Broad Left drones, who now see themselves following SWP martyr sacked Phil Cordell in an orderly queue for their dole money. Reactionary forces (no names mentioned) within the Left are already calling for a purge of “ultra-left” CRUD supporters, who they see as responsible for their downfall. This can only strengthen the morale of the Daylies leaders. Taylor has now opened a book with 2-1 odds on that the CPSA will have the dreaded postal balloting system by this time next year.

PFLCPSA
For new delegates to Conference (our commiserations) who don't know about the PFLCPSA, there are a number of informative items available. A revised edition of the complete history of the PFLPSA and manifesto of the PFLCPSA available at 20p. Those who wish to join should ask for the free “recruiting leaflet” and send the tear off slip to the address given: -

Often described as the “faction to beat all factions", the aims of the PFLCPSA are briefly:

Replacement pf the NEC with Revolutionary Command Council.
Full support for the Islamic Left.
For the abolition of all forms of voting and its replacement by the Popular Will of the Masses.
Annual Conference to be held in Beirut
End the stranglehold of the Catholic Action Group.

PFLCPSA Badges are available at £1 each -(limited edition) - PFLCPSA Badges and Berets are available at £2.50 (buy now while stocks last)


CREEP OF THE DAY AWARD
Various nonentities at Conference have been approaching those they believe to be associated with the PFLCPSA and asking why they have not had the glory and notoriety of being mentioned in any past PFLCPSA Communiqués - So, especially for these small people, Forward-Battle Group Eagle will be issuing a “Creep of the Day" award.

Today's third prize is a tie between Sean O'Brien, that well known model of sobriety who is Section Secretary of MAFF, (He is so able and capable that MAFF Section Conference has been abandoned and will have to be reconvened in a months time), and John Ellis, simpering houseboy bf the Daylies Group whose stout defence of his bulging wallet must surely earn him a place in the Guinness. (sic)

Runner up is DE hackette Sally Bild, hard-line SWPer who would like apparently to be known as Sally Build-the-Rank-and-File (Geddit?) but is unfortunately more usually known to friends and enemies alike as Sally Bilge. It is she, by the way, who is doing most of the printing of the Redder Tape daily rag at their HQ in 36 Bath Street.

Today's Creep of the Day Prize however goes definitely to Peter Sloman, delegate from Medical Research Council, also in SWP. Slowman, a middle aged alcoholic divorce is understood to suffer from an addiction to certain substances not unknown to the Metropolitan Police Drug Squad.

Today's Mystery Competition: Which well-known Daylies NEC Candidate from South London was recently demoted from CO to CA for total incompetence? Answer tomorrow, if bribes are not forthcoming.


TUESDAY

TERRY ADAMS TO BE SACKED

Now you all know the election results: this Communiqué considers the follow-up. The new NEC line-up is 24 to the Daylies Group, 2 non-aligned and 2 soggy Left. The Daylies group and their allies in the Vatican are understood to be, surprisingly at first sight, depressed by these results as they have removed from The NEC many of those Daylight stooges and allies masquerading under the Narrow Left cloak. The massive majority of the Daylies zombies has stripped all pretence of healthy debate within the NEC,

Disquiet was certainly felt amongst the cheering Falangists at the Royal Clifton “Winter Palace” last night. This accounts for the shock that one of the newly elected Vice Presidents received when the news of his victory was leaked to him.

The pitiful showing of the Left at the polls reflects their consistent failure to support the aims of the Popular Front for the Liberation of the CPSA. Several leading left hacks were clearly seen to rush from the top table when the results were announced, no doubt to be as sick as dogs at the thought of having to do some actual work, and possibly even to attempt to put on a “left” face, to their Regional Broad Left Groups. It must be easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than for the likes of Spook Wood and Pork Taylor to pretend to be “left-wingers” as reported in yesterdays Communiqué. Indeed, Pork Taylor was yesterday heard to be calling for a “streamlining” (i.e. purging) of the Left. It is understood that the one “hard left” NEC victor, Ray Alderson, owes his election victory to massive pressure from the powerful Licensed Victuallers Association lobby.

How the members will take to the cluster of windbags Bernard Levin and our friends at Langley, Virginia is unclear, but there mast be many worried faces around Balham Palace as the full-timers wonder who will be dismissed in the widely expected purge. Most likely for the chop are Terry Adams, Chuck Clarke and John Macreadie. It is also understood that the victorious Right will also chop Bush, widely hated throughout the union, though informed sources report that these well watered persons may not actually be sacked but “put out to grass” in a harmless research post or two.

Following the right's victory, the election of full timers is now likely to go down the swannee, and leading contenders for the soon-to-be-vacant General Secretary position are jockeying for position: John Ellis and Alistair Graham are already beginning to spread hate stories about each other.

CREEP OF THE DAY AWARD:
Dave Spagnol, DHSS Hackney & Tower Hamlets, who has already (Joint Award) sold 27,000 copies of Militant. Robert Claridge, DE Runcorn, member of the Revolutionary Communist Group and well-known remedy for insomnia.
NB: THERE IS NO TRUTH IN THE MALICIOUS RUMOUR BEING SPREAD BY THE DIGGER FACTION THAT THE NATIONAL BROAD LEFT GROUP IS TO BE DISBANDED. POSSIBLY.


WEDNESDAY

FULL-TIMERS

On this, the first day of Main Conference, the factions are poised for a bloodbath of almighty proportions on the Election of Full Time Officials debate. Rumours have been circulating from certain malicious sources that President Lozenge will in fact suspend Conference in order to avoid a decision supporting the election. Another possibility is that the APEX CPSA HQ Branch might have a last minute change of heart and support the election of full timers - though for what nefarious purpose none can tell, unless they have had a cast iron guarantee from the new NEC that nothing will be done. What is more likely is that we will see Alex Ritchie, Branch Secretary of CPSA HQ APEX (remember them - they sold out the Grunwick strikers) stoutly defending his vast salary by ranting, raving and foaming at the mouth. Delegates will no doubt give the customary and traditional response reserved especially for such senile old windbags.

CREEP OF THE DAY AWARD
Today's Creep of the Day Award unanimously goes to Andy Brooks of Social Science Research Council. He's the one with the safari outfit and beret who struts about like President Nasser.

GROVELLING APOLOGY

The PFLCPSA Solicitors inform us that Ray Alderson has now paid a large bribe to us to apologise to us for calling him a drunkard in yesterday's Communiqué, and we accept his apology.

NEWS IN BRIEF
SCHOOL FOR NEW NEC MEMBERS
It is rumoured that pretentious National Organiser Barry Reamsbottom has had to organise a Special School for the newly elected Daylies nobodies on the NEC so that they can be helped to understand exactly which union they have won control of.

THE LONG KNIVES OF ELLIOTT
Lovable NEC member Charles Elliott is reportedly not too happy at the prospect of having to sit with some of his new-found NEC colleagues. It is rumoured that he is determined to see them ousted, and one report states that his Death List is longer that Colonel Gaddaffi's.

FRINGE MEETINGS
The usual round of Conference fringe meetings are going well. At the SWP Redder Tape meeting Kevin Roddy called the SWP's demigod Tony Cliff (guest speaker) a “middle-class intellectual bastard”, while the ultra- left Socialist Caucus have failed to organise a meeting at all. In contrast to this was the Militant meeting last night which attracted 200 and made a collection of £1,600 pounds!

NATIONAL AFFRONT
The National Front delegate to Conference is PAUL BASSANT from C+E London Port. He is sitting on the right of the hall 3 rows from the front four or five in. He has cropped dark brown hair and wears a black shirt.

AVAILABLE NOW FOR GLASGOW DELEGATES:
I Pushed Losinska” Badges
PFLCPSA, 61 Rathcoole Avenue, Hornsey London N8


THURSDAY

HOLAH IN VICE SCANDAL

Following George Holah's recent encounter with chemical 108, as a result of which he was assisted from the Bold Hotel, having O.D'd on Sunday, more information has been passed to Popular Front activists which reveals that in a fit of generosity the Daylies cads parted with some of their customary stash to the Sefton pigs, as a trade off for George's safe return. Local entrepreneur Det. Supt. Nacker then put the whole lot back on the market last night.

This coincided, unfortunately, with a raid on the Scarisbrick, mounted by 2 Popular Front activists. Finding themselves hopelessly outnumbered in a narrow alley the comrades surrendered, having first of all smashed the glass vials containing a secret formula serum.

As part of an orchestrated campaign to discredit PFLCPSA agents, these cadres were searched for fragments of broken glass which had inadvertently lodged in their stomach lining as they tried to dispose of the evidence.

(Anyone understanding this in-story please apply to PFLCPSA Black Guard for £5 reward)

NEWSROUND
TO THE PRESS PIT
Pressmen in the “Snakepit” have been congratulating the PFLCPSA on their sterling work in exposing all Conference scandal: we appear to have been named the “Private Eye” of CPSA. While this is flattering, we should humbly point out that all our information comes from sozzled old fool-timer Sean O'Brien from MAFF Section, leader of the CPSA Branch of the Knights of St Columba. Thanks for all the gutter news Sean - your usual crate of whisky will be delivered on Sunday.
PS The crate of whisky will be diverted to any person who can find Sean in a state of sobriety.

POINT OF ORDER
Congratulations to Stewart MacLennan, the Caledonian Drone and now apparently supposed to be the greatest orator since Cicero, for raising 896 points of order so far, this beats his 1979 record of 722 points of order.

CONGRATULATIONS

Comradely greetings to 9th Chapter and also to PFLCPSA Black Guard, led by NFer Kate Byrne.


MANY CONFERENCE DELEGATES HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR FURTHER DETAIlS OF THE PFLCPSA AND ITS ACTIVITY. IF YOU WANT MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE FILL IN THE FORM BELOW AND SEND IT TO -

Salim Kharrakhush, PFLCPSA, 61 Rathcoole Avenue, London N8


FRIDAY

POOR OLD KATE

President Lozenge, we understand, is so tired and emotional at Conference's continual challenging of her bungling behaviour that she has declared her intention to issue a circular to all members immediately after Conference denouncing the disgraceful attitude of the assorted pinkoes and trots who dared to raise the banner of revolution at conference by actually putting points of order etc. Where will it all end?

LABOUR LEFTOVERS
A select group of bores attended a small "Labour Left” meeting on Wednesday to denounce the “extremist” domination of the Broad Left, and to agree a short slate of jolly decent candidates to put up in their place. The meeting, only ten strong, was organised by such yesterday's men as George Lobo and Dredge Williams. Certain Tribunite luminaries, like standing Orders hack Roy Lewis are believed to he miffed at not receiving an invite.

FACTION FIGHTING - THE KNIVES ARE OUT

Another Broad Left failure, Spook Wood, is understood to be battling desperatey to get himself onto the NEC in order to retain the cushy life style to which he has become accustomed. Second runner-up in the NEC elections, Wood has been urging the two Lefties who beat him at the polls, Alderson and Barker, to stand down so that he can take his seat on the NEC. Other Broad Left fading hacks are understood to be attempting similar manoeuvers.

FURTHER PURGES IN THE LEFT
Communist Party members in the Left are reported to be worried by leaks from a private Militant meeting that the CP are included in “Mendicant`s” intentions to purge `ultra-left' elements from the Left. Most concerned of all is fading starlet Margaret Witham, leader of the CP's miniscule London Soviet, who sees her dreams of vast power fading for ever in the forthcoming faction Gotterdammerung.

NEC IN EXILE

We trust that the rumours are untrue that the former ragbag NEC Broad Lefters are to form an NEC in exile. It could be for real however: the remarkable camaraderie of the boring toadies on the last NEC and their unanimous disregard for the ordinary member may prove to be thicker than water.

SELF CONGRATULATION
As this is the final PFLCPSA Communiqué at Conference 1980, we devote a few lines to self-praise. Without doubt the PFLCPSA daily communiqués have been the most popular and successful of all the daily rags. Redder Tape, the SWP sheet, has been drab and pompous. Daylight, the right wing trash, has been poorly produced and feeble, due, we understand, to internal rivalry and disagreements on the Editorial Board. The Civil Service Workers Group (i.e. anarchist loonies) Bulletins have been ranting and ridiculous. As usual the Broad Left have produced nothing at all.

So this is thanks to: all PFLCPSA operatives at Conference, in Service, Support and Security Platoons, for your excellent work. Thanks to the PFLCPSA Black Guard for their guerilla work and their lurid stories on the physical attributes of some of the more well known members of our union, and whose manuscript reports make hair-raising reading (available on request). Thanks also to the slog work on the duplicator and typewriter done by PFLCPSA Red Guard. Thanks to the CPSA 9th Chapter who have formally affiliated.
And of course, thanks to everyone who has been vilified in these columns: we would just like to assure you that we meant every word of it.

Will all PFLCPSA Operatives and supporters please meet immediately after the end of Conference to be photographed for the records etc outside the amusement arcade on the right hand side of the main Conference Hall exits.

NB Berets and badges to be worn for the above event.

PFLCPSA TOP TWENTY
1) Why don't we do it in the road? MAFF Section
2) One Step Beyond DNS Glasgow
3) 16 Tons Womersley & Chambers
4) Who put the lights out? BBC
5) If you've gotta go - go now CSD Management
6) Wandrin' Star Pete Coltman
7) Buddy can you spare a Dime DE Broad Left
8) Wooden Heart Count Losinska
9) Anarchy in the UK Digger Faction
10) Suspect Device Kate Byrne
11) Homicide Merseycide CID
12) Down and Out Ex-Broad Left NEC
13) Going Down Slow Ex-Broad Left NEC
14 - 20) All Guillotined

CREEP OF THE WEEK AND CREEPS OF THE DAY

There are large number of winners of today's creep of the day award. They are: Peter Ross (DHSS), Elaine Harrison (DE), Steve Dunk (jerk), Muriel Norris (Land Registry), Mike Healy (Peter Pan), David Levy (DE), Everyone in SWP (beano politics), John Adams and Davie Maclymont - joint winners of Sexist of the Day award) and Roger Wilson-Pepper, and not forgetting your friendly local Nazi Paul Bassant.

The much coveted CREEP OF THE WEEK AWARD was only narrowly missed by feeble non-entity Frank Humphries from the top table, but the new balloting system showed a big win for FRANK PEMBERTON, ageing playboy and fierce anti-Bolshevik from DTl Section.