CPSA MAIDEN CHALLENGE STAKES - 1982
022 CHARLIE IDIOT (Mgr Ivens) blue cap, black shirt, rising sun. 17.5 Peter Arnott
000 KEVIN NODDY (T. Grant) red cap, red star. 9.6 P. Byrne
--- A. P. LEES (A. P. Lees) all white. 9.3 Mr A P Lees
--- D. McINERNEY (D. McInerney) green. 8.7 McInereney
000 T. BAKER (R. Williams) green, red dragon. 7.5 S. George
fpd K.Headbanger (Agricultural Research Council) 7.3 Doubtful
TRAINER STATES HEADBANGER IS A NON-RUNNER
FRANK TAYLOR'S S.P. FORECAST
2/5 NODDY, 2 IDIOT, 100 BAR
1/3 LEFT NEC, 5/2 RIGHT NEC, 8 HUNG NEC
All bets taken after 12 noon Tuesday will be voided and stakes returned. Rule 4 applies. Please pass all betting slips to your nearest steward clearly marked FRANK TAYLOR together with your stake (min £1.00 - no limit).
Mr Ray Shuttleworth is unable to make the Challenge Cup presentation this year as he has decided to make a fresh start as a bank clerk in London.
Clerk of the Course : Sir Roy d'Lewis
Chief Steward : Maj. Stuart Crowhurst
Veterinary Surgeon : Cmdr. J. Butcher R.N.
The PFLCPSA General Command wishes to place on record its appreciation to Salim Karakush, code-name Ken Thomas, for his magnificent record of service to the Resistance over four years as our elected Chairman and combat leader. We wish him a long and happy retirement from the PFLCPSA.
Meanwhile back at the hacienda there is growing disaffection amongst the DAYLIES Junta. CPSA Martyr, and heroine of the Atomic Energy Commission, Senora JUDGE, has made it clear that should Charley Idiot be returned as President, she will withdraw all her legions from the Union and affiliate to MODSA, Britain's fastest growing union. Idiot, whose inability to walk down stairs is widely known has rightly been exposed by Senora Judge as a dangerous pacifist and a secret Red. Describing himself as a `progressive and radical Trade Unionist' (fellow traveller), Idiot's devotion to peace, witnessed by his staunch support of the disarmament motion at last years TUC has led to this major rebellion. His feeble attempt to pacify the enraged patriots, including the ruling that affiliation to CND is illegal under the 1913 Trade Union Act last Friday has failed to placate his erstwhile supporters. Only firm action by President Losinska in ruling the whole debate out pf order can save the day.
The DAYLIES Junta may also have to take firm action to prevent a rather fraudulent election. While ensuring IDIOT's defeat for the Presidential vote they have been unable to contain the Red hordes from sweeping the section Conferences, outside of the Southern Assembly, and should the National Elections prove further Red success, recourse to British Justice may yet again be necessary, to ensure a re-ballot under the right conditions (cf. Ben Hooberman) Not content with planting IDIOT amongst the DAYLIES ranks, Bored Left Supremo Kevin NODDY has also ensured a monopoly of paper sellers for his unreadable Falangist periodical, MENDICANT, enlisting every MENDICANT seller as a registered hawker for every obscure periodical Mentmore Terrace produces. Hapless sellers of other boring journals may however find the attention of the Brighton forces of law and order somewhat vigilant in the meantime.
AMPHIBALUS notes that John Raywood, brilliant successor to Tony Bunce, is denying that his latest nose-job was obtained under BUPA, and can confirm that he paid the full price at the London Clinic last week. He records that IDIOT, bragging to his Silver Ring chums, is comparing his succession to the throne to Martin LUTHER and already describing his rule (I pledge myself etc) as a veritable REFORMATION. He should be warned however that the only English Protestant Martyr was `Archbishop' Cramner, and study the fate of that wretched heretic.
Our coveted CREEP OF THE DAY Award goes to TONY BAKER, Welsh Office, for spending 30 minutes at the Southern Assembly AGM drooling over the virtues of Bill McClory, Scotland's finest son, despite his record of consistent hatred of that man for the past year, PFL CADRES please note that our NEWS OF THE WORLD correspondent Cdr J. Butcher R.N. will absent for most of Conference having been sent on active duty to MOD Chatham (Falkland Islands) as a tank trap. Will all Cadres please report at close of conference today in the FOYER for debriefing, election of editorial Committee and preparation of information. Badges are available from our Usual Contacts and the new PFLCPSA Banner will be prominently displayed. OUR APOLOGIES go to the CPSA election form printers for the misprint on the Vice Presidential ballots and trust that the usual cheque will be forthcoming.
NO CURE, NO FEE
ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT!
REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!
BANNER BANNED CONFERENCE OUTRAGED AT FALANGE PROVOCATION:
A military spokesman said, speaking on behalf of the PFLCPSA, that no casualties have been reported following the attack on our standard yesterday afternoon. The banner, paid for by countless members subscriptions, has now been taken to a place of safety in view of the Presidential threat to have it confiscated. Bitterly attacking the Presidential ruling, made in the face of massive Conference opposition, he added that Senora Judge had in fact called for the removal of the Southern Assembly rag, a lewd towel displaying a phallic symbol and this had been grossly misrepresented by President Losinska.
IDIOT TAPES - MORE REVELATIONS:
PFLCPSA monitoring devices, successfully planted in the GRAND Hotel have now revealed the full story of the split between Charley IDIOT and the Wormesley-Chambers clique. On that fateful Saturday night, a tired and emotional IDIOT warned the two harpies that `I will be elected President despite the best effort of you two'. Their protestations of innocence were dismissed his fist smashing down on the table and IDIOT added `I am a powerful and cruel man and I will ensure that Wormesley ends as an LOII in Huddersfield. Wormesley, you are OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!" Marion Chambers attempted to pacify the raging IDIOT, sharply pointing out that she had in fact nominated him for the august position he so richly deserved. IDIOT replied that he knew that she had only done this at the prompting of John ELLIS, as part of a BYZANTINE plot to ensure that IDIOT made a complete fool of himself during the twelve month run up to the elections. Wormesley also denied all of IDIOT's charges, to be told that `Even if I lose the Presidency, l will still be the most powerful man in the CPSA' to which CHAMBERS snapped back `Charley, you are a pathetic and frightened LITTLE MAN!" President Losinska and the inevitable Clive BUSH then intervened with more liquid refreshment and the interchange ended and our microphone malfunctioned.
A full report of our bugs in the SPORTSMAN will appear tomorrow.
MR DEADER TAPE 1972 - 1982 R.I.P
The PFLCPSA - General Command wishes to announce with sorrow that Mr. Deader Tape expired after a long illness today at the age of ten. 'Deader' as he was known to his friend was a cheery if predictable soul at Conference and will be missed. Peter SLOMAN overcome with grief was not available for comment yesterday afternoon. A MEMORIAL SERVICE will be held tonight at 7.50 at the HUNGRY YEARS, Marine PARADE, opposite the Aquarium, and Mr DEASON will be selling souvenir programmes. RT OLD BOYS ties are available from D. Murdoch, Dregs WILLIAMS and Norman JACOBS. Mike McGrath will officiate.
RAYWOOD NOSES AVAILABLE NOW
John Raywood Nosejobs are available from Eagles of Snowdon PFLCPSA Units this morning. The revelation of the best in cosmetic surgery will be revealed to all tomorrow morning but in the meantime don't hesitate to avail yourself of this wonderful opportunity.
CREEP OF THE DAY AWARDS
Three nominations for creep of the day were so popular that all three share this coveted award. First of all, we salute Marion Chamber's DOG, for his sterling work in last year' s Pay Campaign, closely followed by Senora JUDGE for her amazing recovery from the accident at CPSA Headquarters and command of the English language but the accolade goes to our BIRMINGHAM POST & MAIL correspondent, Mr Peter HEINRICH, whose MEATHOOK fetish certainly fits the bill. Herr HEINRICH would like all delegates to shake his hand and PFLCPSA cadres should begin the search now.
LETTER FROM BYZIANTIUM
The prospects of a sweeping BORED LEFT victory have already set the machine minds of our full-time officials working at fever pitch. MUDROOK, WOODWORM and TRICKY DRIVEL can be observed in every public corner conspiring against ELLIS and his vast army of friends (GROVES, MAXWELL and CLARKE), Meanwhile Peter Thomason is already conspiring behind the scenes to build yet another THIRD FORCE with the LABOUR LEFT to prevent an EXTREMIST Majority, as well as hasten the day of his long overdue elevation. This fits in with IDIOT's plan to form a `PROGRESSIVE' bloc within the Union, revolving around himself, and excluding CHAMBERS, WORMSLEY ET AL. The only obstacle to all these grandiose plans is of course, KEVIN NODDY, whose posters are expected to go up as soon as the election results are announced. This is doubtless why the shrill calls of election rigging from some defeated quarters have not been firmly silenced by the President.
MOD TERRORISTS DISCO
All MENDICANT supporters and PFLCPSA activists should rush to the MOD TERRORISTS Disco next Wednesday at JENKINSONS CABARET BAR, licensed from 8.00 to 2.00 a.m. MR ASHTRAY will compere and MR BOBBY CRUSH will provide the evenings entertainment.
MR RAY ALDERSON reports that he is wearing his shirt all Week as it is the only one in his possession which matches his face.
HERO OF THE DAY
Once again this rare award goes to TONY CONWAY of COVENTRY for answering back to his AUNTIE yesterday afternoon, and to Sir Roy d'Lewis, who is wearing his green suit for a bet. Cdr Butcher. R.N. has now reached Chatham and reports that he successfully sank a rowing boat in recent engagements. Julian LOSINSKI however will not be with us, as he is at present serving in the Polish Army (Reservists and students brigade).
People in the cheap seats will no doubt notice the absence of stewards in the main hall. This is because some fifty stalwarts have been stationed in the observers gallery, to prevent the unseemly scenes which marred last years spectacular. Should you wish to send them an urgent message please see Mr SPOCK on the right hand side of the main hall, who is in direct communication with them.
DEPARTMENT OF EMPLOYMENT NEWS
Still recovering from the fiasco of the West Midlands Central Area Committee School a vicious Red rumour is circulating that all the lecturers received First Class accommodation, and that someone called IRENE DEVENISH alleged that this was a just prerogative, pointing out that Mrs LOSINSKA and herself regularly stayed at the SAVOY in LONDON, at similar events. There is of course no truth in these scurrilous tales put about by the REDS and indeed if such things did occur, Mr John RAYWOOD would surely put a speedy end to them.
ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT!
REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!
ELLIS CROSSES THIRD FORCE -
MAJOR CLASH EXPECTED SOON
Growing fears of a major clash between the two rival blocs of full-time officials were expressed following the fearful warning by Richard REAGAN that `blood will flow, my loves' at yesterdays meeting of the Diane WARWICK fan club. The strutting ELLIS, consigliore to the powerful GRAHAM family was reputed to have already issued contracts out on all of her supporters including onetime giants of the movement, MURDOCH, REAGAN, WOOD, WRIGLEY and DOBIE, while at the same time donating the MOD to his loyal stooge CHUCK CLARKE. ELLIS, whose intense loathing of Senora Warwick stems from her audacity to stand against him in the recent Deputy General Secretary elections, and he has obtained Don GRAHAM's permission to destroy her and all of her own creatures, eagerly backed by his own Capos di regime, LEWTAS, McCLORY, the THOMASONS, Veronica BAYNE and Arthur McKINLAY, fresh from his triumphant campaign in the Canary Isles. In this purge, ELLIS dreams of a direct swap of McVICCAR and ADAMS, foisting DREGS WILLIAMS onto the Northern Assembly and P C GROVES, the farm labourers son of CATFORD elevated to the, EDUCATION DEPT. Signora WARWICK has not been idle, a vicious hate campaign of articles such as this one, is to be launched today, the self-styled FIVE YEAR PLAN designed to stop the hated Graham Family in their tracks. Further information `can be obtained .by just stopping any one of the above named in any of the Conference Bars.
Should you have any difficulty in finding the facts, we suggest you try Brighton's most exclusive watering hole, the SENIOR OFFICERS DRINKING CLUB, which is open around the' clock at the ALEXANDRA SUITE, in the GRAND Hotel. Just ask the receptionist for directions but remember, you must be signed in by one of its four members.
Talking of alcohol, BARABBAS noted that at the DHSS social last Monday, famed Fleet Street journalist' CHRIS LEAKE was seen threatening a barmaid at 2.15 in the morning with his Press Card, and when she failed to respond to his advances, had to pay several pounds for a vodka and lemon. MAIL ON SUNDAY fans please note. Earlier in the evening, MR KEVIN McHUGH had approached MR BOBBY CRUSH, Leyton's finest son, in the middle of his fabulous performance, sadly scorned by the assembled rabble, to tell him `I'm Kevin McHugh and if I was you I'd keep your act short'. CRUSH's brilliant response "F**K OFF" was inaudible to most of the audience but has earned him an honourable citation.
Terry ADAMS, much-loved MENDICANT supremo of the Inland Revenue, will soon depart, as we all know. The measure of the respect he has earned amongst his members can be measured by the fact that the 180 members of the LAND REGISTRY, CROYDON held a leaving collection which raised £2.67 of which £2.00 had been donated by ageing RED Muriel NORRIS.
Though of hardly any interest at all, fans may like to note that MR S. CORBISHLEY was the only unsuccessful Labour candidate in the Spitalfields Ward in East London, where he stood last week, being defeated by a Bengali Independent who stood on a platform accusing the Labour Party of gross inefficiency and racism. Boss BACON's alleged victory in similar locals is however the only bright spot for the S.D.P. in an otherwise gloomy picture.
Many delegates have approached us wanting to join the MOD GANJA FARMERS UNION. They are advised to write in the first instance to
Chief Establishments Officer
CLOUD NINE, S.I.S
Mr. Charlie IDIOT regrets that he will be unable to attend this afternoon's session due to a previous engagement at TATTERSALL's, BRIGHTON RACE COURSE. He will be joined by Messrs BUTCHER, TAYLOR, ROBERTS and DOBIE and is unlikely to return until the early evening, where he will be found in the SPORTSMAN. Those of us unable to join him may be interested in his marked card -which is as follows:
1.45 Ditchling Stakes - no selection
2.15 Marina Stakes - Queens Sprite
2.45 Madeira Handicap - Bunce Boy
3.15 Goring Selling Stakes - Handsome Trailboss
3.45 B.P.A. Spring Handicap - Red Ellette
4.15 Aldrington Handicap - Princess Vronski
Talking of which, IDIOT in his drunken megalomania has already informed Chief Steward Albert ASTBURY that his services will no longer be required and explained to McKinley and Groves that they too should look for new assignments outside the CPSA, should he be successful in the Presidential Races.
REMEMBER when writing to S.I.S. LAMBETH to use Mr. S HARDING as a referee, and should you have a minute or two, you may wish to write to Mr. GILMORE, Clerk of the Industrial Relations Division, CSD, WHITEHALL LONDON SWIA 2AZ. He welcomes all contributions on facility time problems, as he explained to us all in the observers gallery.
CREEP OF THE DAY AWARDS
Once again there is no outright winner. David HOFMAN, British Museum gets a mention because nobody knows who he is. OLLIE DRIVER of course has not been forgotten and Senora JUDGE for reasons too numerous to mention, but the laurels go to Mr. JIMMY EDWARDS, for allowing Alistair GRAHAM to stay in his own house over May Day.
D E NEWS YET AGAIN
We are reliably informed that at the famous Coventry Area School, of which half the country seems to have attended, Cdr. BUTCHER R.N. forgot his trousers when he departed. On his return, to his dismay, he had found that the local T.A. had made a bivouac out of them. Furthermore, we understand that IRENE DEVENISH, laconic leader of the DE Falange suffers from terminal backache, necessitating travel by taxi from Euston to Balham every time she is in London. Don't worry; Irene won't starve, the FINANCE DEPT. sees to that.
PFLCPSA SOCIAL TONIGHT AND TOMORROW
A PFLCPSA DISCO Ms been organized for Thursday 13th May commencing at 8.00 pm at the BRIGHTON TAVERN, GLOUCESTER ROAD, which is noted for its good food and drink. All are urged to attend. The landlord is Mr. Keith Willett who will provide a free drink to anyone wearing a PFLCPSA badge.
Senora JUDGE, who is beginning to monopolise our columns as frequently as she does the rostrum has denied that she has been offered the General Secretaryship of the MOD STAFF ASSOCIATION. She has however pledged to return the £11,500 paid from CPSA funds should she be forced to leave the Union, if IDIOT is elected.
f you are bored while awaiting the election results, now delayed until THURSDAY, why not purchase the new MOD TERRORIST BADGE at their social tonite. 'DRUGS NOT JOBS' is going for 50p and you should approach Mr John SHIP in the first instance.
FROM PALESTINE TO LAVENDER HILL - ONE STRUGGLE ONE FIGHT
REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY
DAYLIGHT GROUP IN DISARRAY -
FURTHER BORED LEFT VICTORIES EXPECTED!
The DAILIES Group was in disarray last night, despite the brave face at the Hunt Ball at the CENTRE, ignoring the hundreds of telegrams both Mr TED GRUNT congratulating KEVIN NOBODY on his forthcoming victory.
ELLIS and LOSINSKA shared a bitter lunch at the STARLIGHT ROOMS yesterday and appeared reconciled to the triumphant NODDY, but they are none too pleased at Diane WARWICK'S TASK FORCE whose first engagement was led and paid for by the redoubtable REAGAN.
John Raywood, flushed with his latest victory in ensuring the defeat of the plans to rebuild the PENTAGON in LAVENDER HILL, is feeling more confident. The KNIGHTS of St. COLOMBA, in their first independent action have struck a firm blow in discrediting ELLIS and GRAHAM, both of whom are not eligible for membership, like the hated ELLIOT, last seen kissing babies for the Press at the behest of his amanuensis BUSH.
Mr BEN HOOBERMAN's presence at the TOP TABLE yesterday has little significance, though the vote could clearly go another way, if sufficient funds are made available.
Rivalling the GADARENE SWINE, delegates trooped out of conference on Tuesday night to pack Brighton's Red Festival, meeting ace Editor and chemist, Mr TONY CHATER, of the SETTING STAR an obscure daily of no account, and Mr Michael COSTELLO Industrial Editor of the same. Out of the 25 people present, including the above and two PFLCPSA informers who were paid to attend, such stars as Messrs GRAHAM & THOMAS, & Ms WARWICK, were seen grovelling for RED votes in the company of a Mr. John SHELDON, C.S.U.'s dynamic leader. The other 17 satellites of Messrs CLOTMAN & ALDERSON spent a scintillating few hours talking about themselves and listening to CHATER drone on about the STAR'S cash flow problem. Thomas muttered something about setting up a `General Secretary's slush fund' to be administered by young ALISTAIR while CHATER licked his lips at the prospect of paid boring `MAY DAY' &TUC WEEK ads. He appeared unaware of the fact that GRAHAM'S glazed look was not of awe but from recollection of his last visit to DISNEYLAND. Ken kept the bottle of VODKA won in the raffle, no doubt for his son, who returns from LENINGRAD shortly.
Mr. MARTIN GRIMSHAW has bought a small cottage - all mod cons and swimming pool in the vicinity. He would like all his friends to visit him after conference closes tonight for a drink at:
72 STONEY LANE,
SHOREHAM ON SEA.
CREEP OF THE DAY
This has been won outright by Mr TONY BORTON of C&E, for persistently going to bed at 9.30 after speaking to his wife for 2 hours on the phone. Farewell boozer.
BRIGHTONS TOP TEN
1 (10) Puppy Love MARION CHAMBERS
2 (18) Kung Fu Fighting LORD LOBO
3 (-) Deck of Cards ALISTAIR GRAHAM (new entry)
4 (6) Raining in my Heart CHARLES ELLIOT
5 (3) Nobody Nose Like Me JOHN RAYWOOD (chart pick)
6 (-) Locomotion PENNY JUDGE
7 (1) First cut is the Deepest DIANE WARWICK
8 (8) L'il 'Ol Wine Drinker Me CHARLES ELLIOT
9 (-) Leader of the Pack BRUNO ELLIS
10 (2) Band on the Run PETER ARNOTT
While all this merriment was going on, MENDICANT's latest public meeting was skillfully sabotaged by the intrepid Maj. BRAINDAMAGE S.I.S whose disruption brought the house down. Following the success of his first assignment, photographing every delegate and observer for Lambeth's updates, he can clearly hope for further advancement. BRAINDAMAGE can be recognised by his pith helmet, jodhpurs and jackboots or masquerading as JOHN DOE of the DAILY BUGLE, revealing his colossal arrogance and contempt for the stewards, and total disregard of Losinska's ruling which was designed to exclude our BEIRUT correspondent.
BORED LEFT NEWS
PFLCPSA General Command hero RESHEM GILL and heroine ANN JARVIS raised £29.17 at the Queens Hotel by performing their lewd `black and white minstrels -clothes exchange' to the leering drunks. Chief sponsors of this latest BORED LEFT fund raising event (CYNTHIA OUGHTON) were Messrs. BONNER AND MVICCAR together with senior officers of PFLCPSA who were seen staggering around in a drunken stupor in a feeble attempt to assist TONY BAKER in raising the money. His golden tongue and welsh charm rapidly raised the total within 2 hours and the show was greeted with acclaim by all save the sponsors, who claimed they did not get their money's worth.
Back at the Horse & Groom, Bored Left stalwarts Messrs. IGOE and SULLIVAN beat a hasty retreat after failing in their attempt to rob a local skinhead of £10. IGOE however had demonstrated his prowess earlier in the week when he playfully knocked FILBY to the ground for questioning his observers credentials.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
RICHAN REAGAN `I'm Labooor in Lundun, my dears, but S.D.P. in the countree' (neither of which is true).
MORE BORED LEFT NEWS
Mr.S.CARDOWNIE arch-Scottish Socialist and amateur boxer, latest coup in selling the hundreds of complimentary tickets for the P&T DISCO have earned him a commendation.
THE AIMS OF THE PFLCPSA
Total abolition of all forms of elections and their replacement by the popular will of the masses.
Moving of annual conference to Beirut
Ending of the stranglehold of the catholic Action Group.
ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT!
REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY
STUNNING VICTORY FOR THE RESISTANCE!
The FALANGE is now facing total collapse following the May offence of the BORED LEFT on all Fronts, with first estimates putting Bored Left casualties as 5, and 21 victories. A military spokesman for the PFLCPSA - General Command said that all our members returned safely to base and announced that Special Unit A had captured Five positions on the incoming NEC. The PFLCPSA -GC members now sitting on the august body are listed below in alphabetical order but only their movement names have been shown for reasons of security:
making the PFLCPSA - General Command the biggest single bloc in the NEC. All have been awarded citations for their sterling work.
Mr CHARLES IDIOT - MISSING PRESUMED DEAD
The Ministry of Defence regrets to inform you that Mr. Charles IDIOT was reported missing yesterday and is now presumed to be killed in action. Late last night a tired and emotional IDIOT had declared a 200 mile exclusion zone around himself swearing that he would drink himself into oblivion and this morning Mr IDIOT was seen creeping off to the Station with two suitcases under his arm. IDIOT failed to make the rendezvous and after two hours a search was mounted under the command of Sras. CHAMBERS, JUDGE and Wormesley. Unfortunately all that was found was a few empty whisky bottles ands some betting slips. Next of kin have been informed. P.S. Don't worry, IDIOT is expected to return within the month when FINLAYSON gets the Organiser's post (or is it TAYLOR).
TURNCOAT OF THE DAY
Mr CHUCK CLARKE using his famous sense of direction has been overcome by a conversion rivalling that of SAUL on his way to DAMASCUS. He has promised to take DOUG MURDOCH to dinner next Monday as he wishes to `talk about his future career'. J. ELLIS please note.
ROUND ABOUT TOWN BY JUDAS ISCARIOT
A lot of our dear chums have been spotted over the past few days. Say hello and goodbye to Mr WILLIAM KENDALL, here for a KNIGHTS of St COLOMBA re-union and give a big hand to MR BLAKE BAKER, who can be seen at the Press Box making notes for his latest book. (Sorry Blake, I'll buy you a drink in the TIPPERARY on Tuesday). Not to mention Mr TONY BUNCE and the boys of the CENTURION PRESS who came to congratulate Mr JOHN RAYWOOD in preventing the acquisition of LAVENDER HILL, thereby retaining all the juicy printing contracts as well as bidding for the rights to our new tabloid magazine.
Finally we must say adieu but not goodbye to Mrs. LOSINSKA's personal lawyer, the People's Friend, Mr BEN HOOBERMAN who is believed to have had an interesting conference, though his own Special Air Clerks (WHO PAYS WINS) were not needed on this occasion. And last but not least, so long to MR PETER ARNOTT, DAYLIES Strategic Commander, whose services are not likely to be retained in the near future.
BORED LEFT NEWS
Despite the smiles, preparation for the usual bloodletting is already under way. Sir Roy d'Lewis is already intriguing with as many dupes that he can find building his new phantom bloc - the self style MAINLINERS, roping in all the usual all has-beens and no-hopers. While the all-conquering NODDY was giving interviews on NATIONWIDE last night; D' Lewis's jackals were practising their new lines. His first show of force was the mass leafleting of Conference yesterday by the hitherto unheard of Democratic Labour Group, and more details would be given but regrettably no-one could be found who would admit to having read it. The Corporation refuse department has already put in a complaint following the 1000 hours overtime forked out to clear the Brighton streets of the discarded ravings of the said d'LEWIS.
QUOTE OF THEDAY
Ben Hooberman `Is ELLIS as dense as he looks?'
At yesterday's cocktail party, John Ellis, after being asked why all these moves of full-time officials were taking place at this diabolical time in the history of the Union. `It is to cause the maximum damage so that all recently elected Senior Officers can consolidate their position as rapidly as possible'.
The answer therefore, dear BEN is NO.
MOTIONS FOR NEXT YEAR
Following the despicable decision to remove our banner from the Conference Hall, the following MOTION should be passed at General Branch Meetings for Conference 1983:
`This Conference believes that the PFLCPSA is the only honest organ of the Union, and as such, should be given Section status. -
In furtherance of this policy Conference instructs that the PFLCPSA banner be placed over the NEC for the duration of Conference'
OBITUARY - MR. RED TAPE
Mr R.TAPE was killed in action yesterday afternoon in an engagement with Conference which sunk him within 20 minutes.The father of Redder Tape, who expired earlier in the week, TAPE was of an indeterminable age, but certainly was born before living memory. He had been suffering from neglect for the past few years, and this together with his age finally made him a sitting target for Conference, equipped with the latest in modern military warfare. Its sole readership consisted of the advertisers and the letter correspondents, but it claimed a circulation of over 230,000, well in advance of our actual membership. Capt. C. BUSH is believed to have gone down with the ship. The funeral will take place on Wednesday. There will be no mourners.
CPSA MAIDEN CHALLENGE STAKES
After an objection and a Steward's inquiry the result reads
1.KEVIN NODDY - P Byrne. 1/6 F
2.CHARLEY. IDIOT - P Arnott 25/1
3.TONY BAKER - Mr. S George 4/1
Also ran A P LEES, D McINERNEY. 5 ran
NODDY always in the lead, drew away final furlong. IDIOT every chance failed to last distance, BAKER never in the running.
ARNOTT objected RODDY taking his ground two furlongs out.
NODDY always firm favourite, opened EVENS , 1/3 - 1/6
IDIOT opened 3/2 then lengthened following heavy blower and adverse report from morning gallops.
NEWS FROM ABROAD
Commander BUTCHER R N has now reached the Falkland Islands and been placed in mothballs for the duration of hostilities. His condition is described as `satisfactory'.
IRENE DEVENISH, drunk with the success of her last school, where she was petitioned to return is equally thrilled at the prospect of returning to her WIRRAL UBO, and becoming accustomed to the vagaries of public transport.
THIS IS POSITIVELY THE LAST MENTION OF Mrs. DEVENISH
CREEP OF THE DAY
This indubitably goes to GEOFFREY LEWTAS, eagerly explaining his commitment to Left policies to anyone who he can accost.
A good time was had by all at the BRIGHTON TAVERN, GLOUCESTER ROAD until the early hours. A further reunion will take place this lunch-time and for those staying overnight an impromptu social has been planned, See you there!
MR SPOOK WOOD regrets that due to unforeseen circumstances, his secret meeting with CHARLEY IDIOT set for Sunday, at his house, will now not be necessary.
And so farewell. Our thanks go first to Mr.GRAHAM GREEN for arranging our office and equipment. Our technical staff, Mr.NURI CAHIRA, Ms FATIMA el-HINDI, and Capt. HAMDY LUX of the UNITED ARAB AIR FORCE, deserve a mention, the EAGLES OF SNOWDON and last but not least Mr BUCK ROGERS for making the BANNER. Not forgetting the countless informers who made these columns possible and the full-time officials who assisted in the financing of the project.
THE Popular Front for the Liberation of the CPSA - General Command will now be produced bi-monthly, we have the technology and we have the men and all we need is the MONEY. Please fill in the form below and hand to your usual contact. Finally, our thanks go to all our dear chums who have read and enjoyed our scribble,
WE WILL RETURN AND WE WILL BE MILLIONS - Evita Peron
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