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CONFERENCE 1988

 

MONDAY


ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

As thousands of delegates and observers wandered around Bournemouth wandering what to do, the high spot of the evening was the National Moderate celebrations, which are taking place every night of the week. Mrs.LOSINSKA ensconced in the White Heritage Hotel has been toasting this fitting finale to her brilliant career; her presence made possible through the intervention of our leader, JOHN ELLIS. But the bluff YORKSHIREMAN has made it clear to the old bat that he expects the favour to be returned. Nothing less than the extension of his own contract until 60 will satisfy the great man, who as he put it is `the only man who can keep out the Trots'. JOHN amused himself over the weekend by turning up at the turgid HOME OFFICE Section Conference, only to be harangued by one of the REDS who dominate it. The wretch made an odious comparison between the GENERAL SECRETARY's £28,000 plus and his own modest few thousand. JOHN had to gently explain that he found it hard to manage even on this pittance, but it helped him understand the suffering of his unfortunate members.

STEWART MacCLENNAN's years of crawling have at last paid off, and he has now landed himself a top post as an aide to the Labour MP for Glasgow Pollock. He will be taking up his new, lucrative employment in a few weeks time but can be seen at Conference pretending to be deputy Chief Steward, sporting a T&GWU badge and having one final binge at CPSA's expense. The same cannot be said for RALPH GROVES whose mongrel had the temerity to bite JOHN ELLIS in the leg. Not only has poor RALPH had to pay a fortune in vets fees but his hopes for advancement in the full-timers regrading exercise have been shattered.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY
It's not in my nature to have a go at individuals' John Ellis

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MARXISM TODAY
by Barabbas

It has been a sombre Bournemouth for Mendicant and their hapless Socialist Wanker allies. Both sides are blaming each other for their dismal performance at the polls. John McVicar, the aging, short Scottish gangster fired the first shots at the BORED LEFT unity rally, when he slagged off SWP paper sellers for daring to talk through his boring monologue. Doubtless he was stung by the attack on himself in that very edition, together with a denunciation of turncoat Dave Richards. Doreen Purvis, the fat perpetual chairwoman at these rituals showed her usual commitment to free speech by silencing a member of the press who had dared to make a contribution. Some believed he worked for the Morning Star, but he clearly wasn't pissed enough to come from that august journal.

Mendicant have a lot more to lose than their one-time SW and Socialist Carcass stooges. The fate of Bonner, McVicar, Spence and even Adams now lie in the vengeful hands of the Moderates while Fuge, McHugh and Purves will return to desks they have not seen for over a decade.

Back in the rival BL'84 camp, the drunken hooligans have done little to suppress their glee at the Trots demise. Their own organisation has however been marked with greater incompetence. No Morning Stars or New Workers were to be seen at the Section Conferences as they had all been sent to Blackpool by mistake, while the newly formed Communist Party of Britain, another splinter from the dying corpse, celebrated its first two weeks in CPSA, with its only member, Tony Conway getting the chop on DE Section by the delectable Sheila Scott-Anderson.

One-time guru Ray Alderson was keeping a lower profile, as can be seen by his emaciated look, in order to improve his credibility inside the Labour Party.

***********************************************************

Kevin McHugh's Roadshow Top Ten

1) Yesterday's Man Chris Andrews
2) Road To Nowhere Talking Heads
3) These Boots are made for Walking Nancy Sinatra
4) Hit the Road, Jack Ray Charles
5) Nowhere Man The Beatles
6) Tears (for souvenirs) Ken Dodd
7) Red Sails in the Sunset Joe Loss (& his brother Dead)
8) Rainbows End Fleetwood Mac
9) We're poor little sheep Treorchid Male Voice Choir
10)Show me the Way to go Home Mrs Mills

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ISLAMIC VICTORY

Reports are coming in from all other the country of victories of the faithful over the godless REDS and their agents. The Islamic Lefts programme `Prayers Not Politics' has once again been vindicated in the Holy Month of Ramadan. During this month of fasting, our followers must abstain during the hours of daylight. This will account for notable absences throughout the entire Conference, and necessary overindulgence once the sun has set.


MOSLEM NEWS

Our brothers in Islam have not forgotten us. During the recent Hijack in Algiers, our Hizbollah comrades warned Yorkshire and Humberside Regional Office that if the ransom was not paid they would ensure that Philip James was sent there. Shortly after this the hostages were freed and the rest is history.


PFLCPSA NEWS - 10th Anniversary Edition

Will all cadres note that there will be a debriefing in the Smugglers Bar, in the Conference Complex at close of Conference every evening. Stories to your usual contact throughout the day and night and money to the designated agents and as much as possible please. A vast selection of badges will be available in the foyer.


FROM PALESTINE TO FALCON ROAD - ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT


TUESDAY

MARXISM TODAY
by Barrabas

Young MARTIN SMIFF, delegate from NUR Euston (Almost) has arrived at Conference fresh from his triumphs at the DHSS social. The Socialist Wanker martyr, you may recall resigned from the Passport Office, on instructions from his shadowy masters, to infiltrate British Rail. Luckily for the travelling public, British Rail were speedily informed of the worthless agitators' record and they rightly refused to hire him, leaving the flabby fool without a job at all. Even though SMITH had pocketed his full short service commission, the RED dominated NEC decided that he had been `victimised' when the Passport Office declined to take back the troublemaker. Awarding him £700 from the BENEVOLENT FUND, Mde KIRK to her credit knocked £200 off, EDDIE SPENCE even proposed that the union pay his full wages until he resumes his academic career this autumn. Some even went so far as to propose that a bucket collection be held for his benefit at this years Conference. Thank God that the Moderates have been returned to office and we can sleep safely under our beds again, without any more of this nonsense. Meanwhile leisure has been uppermost in RAY ALDERSON's mind. The dapper Yorkshire delegate is not bothering to turn up at all for Conference this THURSDAY, as the attractions of the West Indies - Hampshire cricket match at Southampton have proved too great.

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ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot


In between refreshing themselves silly, National Moderate leaders have already drawn up plans for their night of the long knives. Serious discussion on who will replace BONNER,SPENCE and MacREADIE are well under way. Loyal lapdog WRIGLEY will be rewarded with BONNER's rank, JOHN HICKEY will take SPENCE's place and BRUCE will finally get an HEO post. McVICAR, who must be removed, presents some problems, but perhaps GEOFF LEWTAS can be persuaded to run, once the dwarfish Scottish gangster is put out of the way. BERNIE WILLIAM'S intention to nominate himself when the DGS races begin anew can be put down as another of his childish fantasies. Mrs LOSINSKA appears to be over-reacting to the penurious life of a pensioner. Yesterday she was boasting of how much she had saved now she could have her pensioner hair-do for only £1.00 and spends large amounts of her time roaming around London on her free bus pass. PAT WOMERSLEY has been notable by her absence, no doubt because her minute DESSICATED MODERATE Group got its usual derisory vote, while her attempt to challenge the elections, raised by her constant companion, KEN RICHARDS is equally doomed. Her argument, that the ELLIS circular prejudiced Mendicant's chances of victory is unlikely to convince anyone on the incoming Executive. Loutish Scottish alcoholic STEWART McLENIN has also been somewhat subdued this year, having been reduced from NEC member to no-smoking sign holder, in three years. The loquacious Caledonian who normally could not remain silent for any longer than it took him to draw breath now stands silently for hours on end without even the consolation of a drink.

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FALCONCREST Part 1

In preparation for the evacuation to Clapham Junction, the hapless minions employed at Headquarters have been ordered to sweep the place clean. While probing the bunker at Balham 3 tons of unsold CPSA material was discovered. As the dustmen refused to touch it in the absence of a suitable remuneration, Ellis had the idea of sending it all to Bournemouth to be raffled for drinking money. The 15 cwt van was duly loaded but on its travels, imitating its masters' tendency to oscillate from the extreme right to the extreme left, it attracted the attention of the motorway police. The driver was pulled up for overloading and after 2 hours driving on and off a weighbridge was eventually allowed on its way.

Some 15,000 CPSA ties,1400 copies of the unreadable `From Humble Pie to Militant Newspaper' and hundreds of `Fighting Fund Founder' badges were just dumped on the side of the M26,while the rest goes on sale upstairs. This disgraceful action has enraged PFLCPSA cadres, all of whom originally launched the Fighting Fund back in 1973. Though far too modest to wear the badges in the past, the Revolutionary Command Council has instructed all cadres to now wear their badges in protest at the cynical disregard of members past sacrifices.


SOUTHERN ASSEMBLY NEWS

This onetime haven of tranquility in an otherwise stormy sea has been shaken by the furious power struggle between P.ROGERS a yokel from Titchfield and the noble JOHN LAMPRELL-JARRETT, the dynamic leader of the House of Lords. JLJ as he is fondly known even has trouble reading, let alone handling the complexities of the Chair of the Southern Assembly. Though the same could be said for young ROGERS, who inherited the post when Katie retired. LAMPETER-GIBLET'S latest trifling setback occurred when JOHN FAHEY was presenting the report on the teleprinter grades. When the noble lord called for FAHEY'S report again, unaware that it had just been read out, the ECGD stalwart exploded into rage and demanded a vote of no confidence, which was carried by 29 votes to 6;he them turned to his deputy to ask what should he do next. PLJ is expected to sweep the board in the elections.


THE WIT & WISDOM of Col.HARDING

`Mr. Wigley has got a new job-he's taken out on a lead every day at Falconcrest to sniff out truffles'

Col. Harding, fresh from his recent coup, the burning down of his own barracks at Donnington and the subsequent asbestos poisoning of half of Shropshire, has been a regular feature of Conference for the past decade. New delegates who wish to meet MOD's finest son can usually find him slumped on the floor foaming obscenities in the ground floor cafeteria.


DZIENIK POLSKI

`I'm getting married - all I have to do now is find a woman and I shouldn't have much of a problem' Stefan Kowalski

`You can't get to Southampton in a bucket' Marek Serwotka
`He totally transformed me for £1.00' Dama Losinska

 

MERCHANT NAVY NEWS
by Jolly Jack Tar

One of the few remaining Board Left capital ships has taken command of the rest of the fleet following the sinking of SS Newcastle Central Office. The new flagship DNS Glasgow has however faced much mutinous mutterings from some of their crew. Apparently a mix up in their hammocks has resulted in half the crew being left high and dry in quarters with NO BAR and only one bath between seven of them. Though the latter is unlikely to trouble them in any way. The Dirty Mutineers have been reported to be now referring to Kenny McKay and Danny Williamson as Ex-Chair and Ex-Secretary of their flagship. Tune in to further reports on World Service from the High Seas of Boscombe to see if the mutineers succeed in making their Red Admiral and Ships Captain walk the plank or if the mutiny can be averted by buying off the crew with a FREE delegation meal, and the price of a swim in the B I C.

 

CPSA TODAY
by Pierre Laval

Matthew Foulsham, DHSS London South Region Dep-Sec elect ,BL84 activist and well known anti-Christ was awakened by a strange young lady at the end of his bed at 5.30 a.m. Believing the shadowy figure to be his room mate Dave Wood, Matthew said `not now Dave, it's the middle of the night' before realising that Wood was sound asleep, in his own bed. The apparition then arouse, and was seen to be trying other doors in the hotel. Was the Blessed Virgin Marian involved?

`Our Brian' has been keeping an unusually low profile this week. He's brought his wife with him. To make more money, his miserable salary as a full-timer inadequate for a man with his tastes, he as resorted to car repairs, and doing Alistair Graham's garden on his day off.

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY

Section 7,before nuclear power, insert, oh f*ck Eddie Phillips
I'll protect you later on if you are a good boy Chambers to McVicar
When speakers come up you can put it in their mouths Chambers
Leitch got me down for a good one Bronkhorst
I've known some drinkers in my time in CPSA - but the Customs SEC are animals
Peter Thomason (believe it or not)

 

PEMBERTON NEWS - A Blast from the Past

Frank the Wank Pemberton, the aging Liberal playboy who gave us so much entertainment with his King Farouk impersonations is a rising star in NUCPS. Last year he moved the motion at their Conference legitimising election addresses. This year he had his own disqualified because he forgot to count the words and went over the limit.


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How does the Royal Family get rid of Aids? Take them ski-ing.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
`Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; Whoever is led astray by them is not wise.”
Proverbs 20.1.
O.T. Standard Occidental


EVE'S DROPPINGS

So long as I've got a line I don't care what it is Leitch
We'll have a big bang at Conference Ellis
We must increase membership penetration Ellis
I want two men Tracy Butler
I don't hate Trots McVie

Question: What is the difference between Martin Smiff and John McLaughlin?
Answer: A P45 Sir Roy D'Lewis
****************************************************************************
PFL CROSSWORD 463

1 2 3 4
2      
3      
4      

CLUES

ACROSS
DOWN
1 What Horses Do 1 What Civil Servants Drink
2 What Macreadie is 2 The sort of hole Bournemouth is
3 Civil Wrong (anag) 3 What Susan `Arrison waters the garden wiv
4 One of what Stalin Killed 4 The roaring latitudes


***************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS - 10th Anniversary Edition

Will all cadres note that there will be a debriefing in the Smugglers Bar, in the Conference Complex at close of Conference every evening. Stories to your usual contact throughout the day and night and money to the designated agents, as much as possible please. A vast selection of badges will be available in the foyer.


FROM PALESTINE TO FALCONCREST - ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT


WEDNESDAY

MODERATE VICTORY - A NATION CELEBRATES
By Peter Wright


(Very) Moderate celebrations reached mildly infectious pitch at Monday's Social in eager anticipation of their overwhelming victory at the polls. Even before publication, National Moderate leadership were informed of the breadth of the crushing of the REDS (20:6). This has allowed them to agree all the real decisions with ELLIS before the new NEC even meets. The massive turn out at the elections will be used to justify the sweeping purge which commences on Day 1.Mendicant, SW and Socialist Carcass followers can expect no mercy but that will only be the beginning. BORED LEFT 84 members, who have been gloating at the discomfort of their hated rivals, will follow. Though DUGGAN, HANSON and BOYLE need not fear. Likewise Sir ROY d'LEWIS, Ms A FREEMAN and some other nonentities will be spared providing they keep their mouths shut when the bloodbath begins. The vicious personal attack on PAT WOMERSLEY, penned as usual by BARRY REAMSBOTTOM, was. A further indication of the plans of the vengeful Moderates.


ROUND AND ABOUT

by Judas Iscariot


PAT WOMERSLEY's days are numbered, like so many others in the weeks to come. Over the weekend her attempt to observe MOD Section Conference, in a forlorn bid to build up the DESSICATED MODS bloc, was humiliatingly rebuffed. 'Our Brian' pointed out to the veteran member that there were only three ways that she could be there. As guest of the SEC, accredited Branch observer or holder of a NEC platform ticket. As she possessed none of these there was no way he could admit her. However coward that he is, he decided to let Section Conference have the last word. The MODERATE dominated assembly, rejecting the advice of the Chairman, her `good friend' KEN RICHARDS voted 16 to 4 to keep her out. PAT is now not speaking to all but 5 of the MOD contingent. A further blow fell when the Certification Otficer, CROWHURST told her that she could poke her complaint about the ELLIS epistle, and the poor lady cannot afford the fees that LAWFORDS would insist for an appropriate review of the decision. Elsewhere -At the last Customs school, RAY ALDERSON insisted that all the students should have single rooms, so he could be sick in private. The badgered staff at STOKE ROCHFORD reluctantly agreed to the demands of the Yorkshireman, but confronted him on the second day, pointing out that it had been a waste of time as only half the beds had been slept in. The composition of the school was 75% male.

The FIGHTING FUND made £270 from its JUMBLE SALE upstairs which will just about pay for the removal of the 3 tons of rubbish which was dumped by the motorway, and which the police are insisting be picked up. MICKY DUGGAN was waxing profusely about the generosity and forgiveness of the Christian heart, as in the morning he had been given several ties, cuff-links and badges by former foe MARK SERWOTKA (DHSS Warsaw) as a peace offering. His altruism turned to fury when he discovered that the salami eating Pole had simply rushed to the BRIC-a-BRAC stall, stashed as much as his greedy hands could stuff into a big black bin liner, to give to those such as DUGGAN, and save rest for CHRISTMAS presents.

 

MASONIC NEWS
by Amphibalus 33^


Members have all commented on how much better the printing of the Motion Book is, now that Holbrook and Son have the contract instead of the Centurion Press. This is due to the splendid efforts of Brother RICKY WRIGLEY, who has fixed it all up in return for endless booze, food and sweeties from the grateful printers. He hasn't burnt all his bridges with the honourable men at the Centurion Press. Top man is still retired General Treasurer TONY BUNCE, who still creeps down from time to time for free meals in the staff canteen.

Incidentally, anyone with shares in the PLY PRESS is advised to sell, sell, sell following the likely demise of JOHN McVICAR. The Scottish Mendicant is in deep trouble. if the Moderates are unable to make any of the obvious charges stick, they may move after his imminent expulsion from APEX, the full-timers club. APEX boss GRANTHAM hates his guts and will support any move against the Scottish reprobate, whose pretentious quarrel over his vast income contradicts APEX national agreements, Conference policy, and the express wish of the Executive. Meanwhile, the lovely SHEILA SCOTT ANDERSON will be 65 in October. She has told ELLIS that she expects a LOSINSKA style arrangement to allow her one more binge next year and ELLIS is already drafting another begging letter to the Head of the Civil Service, whose name escapes him.

In case you were wondering, the total absence of the DESSICATED MODERATES can be explained by their presence at the WINTER GARDENS, where they assembled under the guidance of the Welcome to CPSA Annual Conference' banner which is still up. Unaware that the rest are at the public baths they are debating KEN RICHARDS contention that the NAT NODS are the only group with an over 5O's Youth Section. BOB LEECH, BL 84's slimy boss is in the doghouse again. None of his boring leaflets came out on Tuesday, as his cheque to the printers bounced. JOHN ELLIS will do anything for votes. A member of the Church of England (atheist) he eagerly signed a letter written by his Boswell, REAMSBOTTOM, to the GUARDIAN in support of the ALTON BILL. Eager for PAPAL blessings, and further support from the KNIGHTS of St.COLUMBA, the hypocritical Yorkshireman was the nest day slagging off the TROTS for dividing the union on issues unrelated to civil service questions. This is GILL TROMANS last Conference and few expect to see her at the NUCPS beano, at least as long as she remains in her designated Midlands branch, which is dominated by STALINISTS. Like STEVE DUNK, she will be sorely missed, but we wish him well as a full-time MENDICANT salesman.


WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE POPULAR FRONT?

Sure, just contact our regional commanders at the following addresses:
John Ellis Falcon Road London
John MacReadie Falcon Road London
Kevin Roddy CBC Washington Tyne & Wear
Stewart McClennan do The Proprietor, Kings Arms, Glasgow Pollock

 

WISDEN'S CRICKET ALMANAC by Dr W.G.Alderson
Results
The Pattinson & Brewer Cup
5 Day Test


(Only one innings due to proximity of the election results)

BROAD LEFT APPARATCHIK XI

K.McHugh Bowled Duggan 0
P.Womersley std Chambers, bowled
Duggan 1/2
K.Roddy Run out (of time) 6 (4 against)
J.Macreadie Ct.Reamsbottom bd Ellis 11 (months)
M.Smith bowled Littlejohn 0
T.Martin std Cox bowled Oliver 0
B.Fuge std Cox bowled Rainbow 0
S.Ion bowled O'Hagan 1 (cttee member)
M.Jenkins. . . . lbw A.N.Other 23 (kilos)
S.Kingshott not out 87 (decibels)
T.Adams not out (yet) 0
Extras 423 (observers)
Totals (by Hard, Dowdy) 65511.5

THE REST

Dame Losinska not out 66 (years)
Mr. Ellis not out 0 (agreements)
Extras
Totals (by Lawfords) 6486
6552
The Rest beat the Trots by 10 wickets

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EVE'S DROPPINGS

“For those of you who didn't get re-elected, just remember you are sliding down the banisters of life. Not all the splinters are facing the right direction but if you are a Trot they will always be pointing in the wrong direction and the barbs will most probably be poisoned.”
Wiggly Dick's closing address at MOD Section

I can't get it out again - it took long enough last time
Ricky Wriggerly again


£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££


Douggie Murdoch was upstairs at the HQ bazaar when he saw Terry Cooper bribing a delegate with a CPSA mug. When the drunken fulltimer demanded one for his own sideboard the worthless Cooper demanded full payment of £1.50. 'But 1 want a free mug' the south London bruiser wailed, to which young Cooper jerked his thumb downstairs and wittily replied `Try downstairs, there's over 1,000 over there'.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

PUZZLE CORNER
by Big Chief Bob Leech


Well Kiddies, though we had a lot of entries for our cryptic crossword competition, not one of them was correct. The prize, a life times membership for the Casino du Liban will be held over but let's have a crack at this one!

Across
1.The indefinite article (1)

Down
1.What Micky Duggan feeds his `orse (1)

*************************

Now, try and turn SHIT into TROT by changing one letter each step

SHIT
----
----
----
TROT


***NATIONAL MODERATE GROUP***
**********WINE AND CHEESE**********
*********VICTORY 1988 RALLY********
**************8pm TONIGHT*************
************WHITE HERITAGE***********
**********GUEST SPEAKERS************
******JEAN-MARIE LE PEN (FNF)******
****JOHN ELLIS (TUC GEN CNCL)*****


APOLOGY

In Communiqué 2 we published a story about an ex member of this Union which has caused widespread distaste. This was due to an error in the Typesetting. We apologise unreservedly for any distress caused. His name should of course, have read SMITH and not SMIFF.


PFLCPSA NEWS - 10th Anniversary Edition

Will all cadres note that there will be a debriefing in the Smugglers Bar, in the Conference Complex at close of Conference every evening. Stories to your usual contact throughout the day and night and money to the designated agents, as much as possible please. A vast selection of badges will be available in the foyer.


FROM PALESTINE TO FALCONCREST - ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT


THURSDAY

DANCING IN THE STREETS AS NEWS BREAKS OF MOD TRIUMPH
by Vidkund Quisling

Grown men and women were seen crying in the aisles as the results of the elections were read out. The sweeping MODERATE victory came as no surprise to MENDICANT who had been preparing their flock for disaster for the past three days, but even so DOREEN PURVIS had to go round cheering up her troops by telling dirty jokes with KEVIN MCHUGH who promised to buy them all drinks, though this proved to he just another rumour. The BACONISTAS rambled on about a new realignment with SW but without MENDICANT and the SW blamed everyone but themselves. Sinisterly, CHRIS BAUGH's mates were to mutter about a need for a change at the top, but not within McVicar's earshot heard.

 

MARXISM TODAY
by Guy Burgess


The' Morning Star's fighting fund shot up following the arrival of a pensioner from the local Bournemouth cell. Delegates thrust odd coppers into the old boys hands throughout the day under the Impression that he was a `matchbox seller', waving away the proffered 2p.The grand total will appear in the Fighting Fund, in marked contrast to the pathetic drunken efforts of PAT MANTLE and ROY JONES, the STAR's self-proclaimed industrial correspondent. MANTLE is creeping round Conference taking photos of the delegates for a fiver. Though they will be `in the post' he wants cash in his grubby hands, as he is saving up for a parrot. JONES' working day starts and ends in boozers apart from the 5 minutes he sacrifices to write his turgid and inaccurate copy. When the old-timer let slip that there was a NCP member in Bournemouth, whom he regularly met at the pensioners' Sunday Club, HUGHES & BROOKS sobered up like a flash. A search party (Richard Halfpenny) was despatched to drag him back and get him to sell all their New Workers. MICKY DUGGAN is going back to his roots. He sports a large Glasgow Celtic F.C. badge on his lapel and a crucifix around his neck. It is plain that he relied on OUTSIDE HELP as well as CHAMBERS for his election victory. At the BL'84 beano he was seen dancing with ELLIS who had crawled in looking for RED votes and free drinks. Incidentally, DUGGAN'S new found zeal for Celtic represents another political somersault. His old club, Chelsea is traditionally linked with Rangers.

____________________________________________________________


YOUR MONEY PROBLEMS ANSWERED
by Prof. Jimmy Edwards


Q. ”A door-to-door salesman, Rob Leech, called uninvited to my room and wouldn't leave until I took out a BL 84 Life Assurance policy. But when I read the small print the next day I saw that I had agreed to sponsor Ray Alderson's alcohol diet for 6 months. Leech fed me with lots of promises. He said I would get on regional office in 6 weeks, a seat on the NEC in 5 years, a full-time post in ten and even a ride in Marion Chambers' Jag. But now I think I've been done. Please advise.” - Ripped Off from DHSS South London

A. Dear “Ripped”, Aggressive salesmen with fancy prospectuses and a
glib tongue are of course the bane of the insurance profession. Caution must be exercised when dealing with the likes of BL'84.An offshoot of the BL Corporation, wound up after a stormy shareholders meeting in Manchester, its performance until now has been poor. The current slump in Mendicant shares has led to an upward movement of `84 stock in a bullish market. But this can only be a temporary phenomenon. But you can mortgage your house on the Alderson option. You have more chance of being struck by lightning than Alderson has of going without drink for 6 months.

____________________________________________________________

SMIFFAID

Martin Smiff, ex-lead for the Bum Town Pratts and the bucket manufacturers, Addis have combined to front a major fundraising effort for his own benefit. A marathon TV charity drive has been arranged for August 20th and already leading personalities are lending their support. Backed by Dolly Chambers, straight from Nashville and the SW harmony group the `Ackchuallies' millions expected to be raised. Sales of `Feed the Smiff' are expected to top ten million. Smiff, who has left his old sponsor the Vote Milking Board said `What I needs yer money'.


ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

JOHN BILLOUIN, ace singer and Liberal politician, has not been seen since Blackpool. The great man has been `sick' with `nervous debility' for the past 12 months. He is however expected to rise like LAZARUS from his grave as soon as he hears of his election triumph. No doubt the expenses will keep both his Volvo and Mercedes running. Sir ROY D'LEWIS has got his 30 pieces of silver and told to have a good time at TUC this autumn. But CHAMBERS has said that his designer tramp togs must go, and he should ask OXFAM for his money back. Noted MAGYAR,ROBBIE TABORI, of the Met. Office, is the highest paid member in the service, earning more than ELLIS or even BRIAN STUYVESANT. He has said that if they take him off of shifts now that he is on the NEC he will claim it is victimisation. Our Brian nearly made a few bob during the clear-out. Some £500 worth of gardening equipment, mowers, deck-chairs and spades turned up and were going to be sold to the staff but BRIAN generously offered £50 for the lot. Sad to say, they were loaded on the CPSA lorry and disappeared before they could fall into the greedy mans claws.

There were ugly scenes at Southampton on Monday evening when 3 members of the CPSA (Crystal Palace Supporters Association) were ambushed by members of the notorious Hizbollah West Bank crowd and the Inter-Nicene Firm. MARTIN JONES, the repugnant new editor of the Southern Assembly journal and a BL 84 stooge, bought tickets for the home terrace believing that it would be safe for himself and his OPCS mates but were astounded when the MENDICANT hooligans asked them first to buy programmes and then demanded a £10 turnstile fee. Making their excuses they were jostled and spat on by the ruffians, many of whom had come from the NORTH. His pal ROGERS, who hid throughout the incident, has come unstuck. He's had two hundred victory badges made ready for the defeat of PLJ, but the whisper is that either the noble Lord has won, or there will have to be a rerun for the coveted Assembly Chairman post.

 

EVE'S DROPPINGS

"Who's that bloke calling a Scouse woman, I'm a fuckin' Scouse lady”
LYNNE HARRISON DE HSE Merseyside HQ

Olympic hopeful CAROLYN ANTOINETTE CLARK should have been pool training every day but has limited her exercise to breathing control between pints. “What I should have done was to have a different bloke each night for that sort of exercise” she was heard whingeing.

MAUREEN MURDOCH on route to her early morning shift as Conference Warden, was intercepted by two old bats - “What's this conference all about then dear - Who are You?”. Under pressure she admitted “We're civil servants”. “Oh you're so well behaved, you must all think Mrs Thatcher's doing a wonderful job”. “Er...actually I'm bit of a rush” was all Warden Murdoch could manage in reply.

“I've had nothing to do with finance for years"
SANDIE LOCK - Section Treasurer

“I'm not very good with money. I even had to cut up my access card” SANDRA DURWIN -Midlands Regional Treasurer

“This is nothing to do with the members; this is a policy issue”
MARTIN LLOYD - DE MSC Leeds

“A Fool and his money are soon parted”
GEOFF LEWTAS - During debate on EM 55

“I just can't make it every night on the Trot”
CHRISTINE BOYD - Forestry Commission

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DISCO McVicar

res.D.J. `s Ted Grant and Derek Hatton

1.Puppet on a String - Sandie Shaw
2.Money, Money, Money - Abba
3.Somebody help me - Spencer Davis
4.Don't sleep in the subway - Petula Clark
5.Dead end Street - The Kinks
6.Won't get fooled again - The Who
7.Buddy can you spare me a dime - Paul Robeson
8.Its all over now - The Rolling Stones
9.The Backstabbers - The O'Jays
10.I'm going to get me a gun - Cat Stevens aka Yusef Islam

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MERCHANT NAVY NEWS
by Jolly Jack Tar


Morale amongst the mutineers from DNS Glasgow remains high after successfully repelling Red Admiral Williamson's boarders at 0400hrs Monday. Red Dan swung aboard after a riotous night ashore at the Board Left bordello, banging on doors and demanding strong spirit. But he was swiftly seen off. Sadly however, one of the mutineers has slung his hammock aboard the loyal SS Morwena after being shanghaied from a local boozer by Williamson's press gang. The mutineers hope that their shipmate will return when he finally awakes to the cold light of day although the lure of such luxuries as a shower AND evening meal may prove too much to resist.

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DEATHS

Mr. Broad Left
1977-1988
Died peacefully after a long illness whilst on holiday in Bournemouth. Post mortem 8 pm - Midnight Thursday 12 May: BIC.
No flowers - donations to the McVicar Fighting Fund please.
Service will be read by Mgr. Derek Hatton

S.J.H.A.R. `Kim' Philby
1912 - 1988
Died peacefully in bed in Moscow, Wednesday 11 May. The Revolutionary Command Council of the PFLCPSA (Gen. Command) announces with deep sorrow the death of their leading agent H. A. R. Philby. Many civil servants sell-out to the ruling class; Duggan, McClennan and Tromans to name but a few, but far fewer make the journey the other way. Kim sacrificed wealth and power; he was at the pinnacle of his civil service career, to save to Soviet agents, Burgess and MacClean. Later he has hounded into exile himself. It can now be revealed that all along Philby had been an agent of the Popular Front, and a founder of the Islamic Left. Before the war had had played a leading role in the Green Knights of Arabia and the Arab Literary Book Club. His altruism in tipping off the Soviet agents ruined him in the civil service but Moscow repaid the debt during the subsequent Suez crisis. The greatest civil servant and triple agent the world has ever seen, his name will liveth evermore.
R.L.


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“I will instruct you in the way you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you."
Psalm 32.8 O.T. New Jerusalem Exxon

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PFLCPSA NEWS - 10th Anniversary Edition

Will all cadres note that there will be a debriefing in the Smugglers Bar, in the Conference Complex at close of Conference every evening. Stories to your usual contact throughout the day and night and money to the designated agents, as much as possible please. A vast selection of badges will be available in the foyer.


FROM PALESTINE TO FALCONCREST - ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT


MEMBERSHIP


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I fully support the aims and achievements of the PFLCPSA.
(Block Caps)
NAME
DEPT BRANCH
ADDRESS TO WHICH COMMUNIQUES ARE TO BE SENT:

SignedPlease donate generously to help cover the substantial costs and
to maintain production of this organ at Conference and throughout the year. There will be between 4 & 6 Communiqués at around 10 -12 pages apiece.

Suggested Rates:-
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If you have enjoyed this weeks communiqués, this must mean your name has yet to appear in one. If you wish this happy state to continue, a substantial donation would be a step in the right direction.


FRIDAY

by Donald McClean

Backstabbing and character assassination reached new heights as all delegations braced themselves for the return home and the bloodbath to come. Mendicants' legions stand sullenly in defeat, awaiting the new line, which will emerge only after the civil service `sellers' meeting in a few weeks time. Meanwhile REAMSBOTTOM ever eager inflate his masters' victories has told press that BL84 only won 4 seats, the other 3 belonging to a fictitious `Charter Group'. This hasn't prevented STEFAN KOWALSKI proposing a double coup, with him getting rid of ALDERSON in exchange for the Moderate dumping of Sturmbahnfuhrer NEWELL. Herr Newell's running dog DENNIS WHITE has confined his glee to racing home early so he can dash into his children's bedrooms and tear up all their Mendicant posters, pinned up to enrage their boring old man in anticipating of the unforthcoming Mendicant victory.

 

MARXISM TODAY
By George Blake

Though most of BL 84 have confined their celebrations to consuming even greater amounts of alcohol, their sinister chiefs are already locked in bitter power struggles. All are agreed that LEEDHAM must never again be run for the Presidency, given his poor campaign this year. But there is no consensus for his replacement. DUGGAN dare not stand against CHAMBERS, the hand that feeds him, even though he is the obvious choice, while Coun.CARDOWNIE, Edinburgh's finest son, is now seeking to make his mark in local politics and will have little time to spare for such a campaign. ALDERSON, a onetime candidate is very much an also ran now. He is trying to get elected to the editorial board of the MORNING STAR, but even that will prove to be an uphill struggle, despite backing from EMI boss KEN GILL. That leaves the unthinkable HUGHES, or his bar-room chums McVIE and HALFPENNY. But the elected BL 84 NEC members presented a united face when they posed for another of PAT MANTLES' photographs. This time the useless bum couldn't even work the flash and had to ring his office back in London for advice from a real photographer.

 

ROUND AND ABOUT
By Judas Iscariot


All of us were thrilled to hear DAWN CASTLE'S furious attack on the high-life of our fulltimers. Their champagne breakfasts, fast cars and luxury houses which are only dreams to the downtrodden membership. She failed to mention that her two children both own thoroughbreds, doubtless due to some temporary lapse in memory. Meanwhile drunken Customs leaders have been dining out on tales of debauchery at their schools, overseen as usual by RAY ALDERSON. At the last one, most of the night was taken up in a drunken orgy with members of both sexes running around in togas or just their underwear.

Back at FALCONCREST drink is the major thing as always on PETER THOMASON'S mind. ELLIS' personal assistant has a huge office, twice the size of his masters' with all mod cons and a balcony. But he is rarely found there. He spends virtually all his time in London's drinking clubs, telling ELLIS that he has been dealing with important work at `Parliament' or with his international contacts. THOMASON does however do something to justify his existence, cultivating every pressure group that is prepared to buy him a meal, regardless of Conference policy and lacking any consistency, as his apparent sponging from both Trade Union Friends of Israel and their Palestinian counterparts would show. Back at the PAVILION two delegates sporting “I'm going to an important meeting” T-Shirts bumped into a drunken DUGGAN, unable to pay for his taxi fare. They got their wish, as the great man accosted them and demanded money to meet the hapless cabbies bill.

KEVIN RODDY need have no fears about returning to the POST ROOM as TONY ROUSE has been telling all and sundry that the MENDICANT leader is not going anywhere where there is a committee vacancy. VERONICA BAYNE has given a party, and lots of her BL84 cronies were invited. But not WILLIAMS or BELCHAMBER, whose dirty habits had made them persona non grata ,even though they were in the flat below. This didn't stop her from raiding their rooms for all the cups and plates and making so much of a mess that her `comrades' thought they had been burgled. ALDERSON was as miserable as sin, under the watchful eye of CHRIS KIRK. THOMASON, DUGGAN and all the others were drinking themselves silly while he had to make do with his usual lemonade. Later someone called GLENYS, a friend of LEWTAS, made outrageous statements about ARABS and GOLDFISH, which she had got from LACE II.

The job of cutting the pay of the Senior full time officials has fallen to CHURCHYARD,BAYNE and WOODS. By an amazing co-incidence these 3 form the APEX negotiating team on pay for all H.Q. staff. At least this is an efficient use of resources. The review will no doubt double as their 1989 Pay Claim. Senior officers of the FE were in close consultation with Mrs.LOSINSKA, Lady CHAMBERS and ELLIS at the official beano last night when a horde of animals led by some drunken Yorkshire ruffians burst in and marched down to the bar. KATIE wanted to know who these ugly TROT riff-raff were. When it was pointed out that they were in fact the intellectual wing of BL 84,celebrating their `victory', Katie said `What victory' to which Al-ISLAM replied `winning 7 seats on the NEC'. 'Not 7 but 4' she replied with a twinkle in her eye.

DHSS bore NELLY BRONKHORST achieved instant fame at the DNS binge last Wednesday. While JEREMY HARDY was in the middle of his usual act, the aging drug-crazed hippy shambled up to the `comic' and pinned a `Grow your own dope - Plant a Moderate' FE badge on the terrified comedian. The RED comedian then launched into a vicious tirade against Mde CHAMBERS which led to fierce fighting amongst the louts. HARDY, after his rescue by our GUARDS agreed to autograph every copy of this edition out of gratitude for his salvation. Ironically, the troublesome Trot was booked by leading Moderate MARGARET KAYE which will doubtless end her glowing career. The degenerate BRONCO could be seen with his druggie mates wearing a silly hat, listening to heavy metal on HARDING'S ghettowhimper in the cafe. Nothing is too low for DNS DURHAM MODERATES whose raffle for cancer research turned out to be a blind for their Moderate bloc. At least one angry delegate demanded and got his money back.


MERCHANT NAVY NEWS
by Jolly Jack Tar


The mutineers at DNS Glasgow proclaimed victory on Thursday night when the signed fresh articles with Capt. McKay on behalf of Red Admiral Williamson during a delegation dinner in the at the Captains Table. Their brave stand against all the odds has resulted in a small rebate from the Glasgow fleets treasury towards the cleaning bills (faces, feet etc).Although the free dinner cost them £2.50.No such mercy seems to have been granted to the three unfortunate MOD delegates from Liverpool who had the misfortune to be billeted with the mutineers although there may be an appeal pending.


ROGERS NOT CODGERS


The power struggle in the Riotous Assembly is now at fever pitch. The scrutineers have now spent 3.5 days counting just 32 summary sheets and Assembly delegates are busily whipping-round for an abacus for ALAN WEBB. Yokel ROGERS, Chairperson candidates of the BL 84 machine is still busily drumming up support for his abysmal candidature, ready for the inevitable rerun. He is promising to run Basic Numeracy courses at SADB residential schools if elected to the Praesidium and is running against that old boy whose name no one ever gets right.

 

KIDDIES KORNER
by Uncle Rob Leech

Well, I'm pleased to say that we did get a lot of entries for our crossword puzzles. MALCOLM DEGROOT - DTI BSO Bloemfontein (OFS) was the first to understand all the clues in the TROT crossword (Comm.2).Trot is in fact the answer to all the clues across, and ENID COOK from DTI NWRO Manchester was the first to solve the SHIT to TROT puzzle. Both win a weekend in Blackpool with a Socialist Wanker of their own choice. DTI's monopoly on PF competitions doubtless explains their almost complete absence at the rostrum.


QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Listen if you think being a delegate's difficult try being a steward walking around in front of a thousand people with a hard on. Mc Yawn…
`I drink all day and sober up at night' Doug Murdoch every year
`It's going up all the time' Hanson
`Yes, but personally I prefer the condom to the car' Mike Jacobs DTI Phoenix Faction

DZIENIK POLSKI

`There we are Marek, l told you I'd get you elected' Duggan to Serwotka
`Stefan Kowalski listens too much to himself' Ingemar Johansen
`I'm going to make my first speech tomorrow in Welsh. It'll make as much sense to me as it does in Polish' Marek Serwotka
You can't eat pubic hair - not enough protein' Neil Broncowski

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DEATHS

Stewart William George McCLENNAN

1945 - 1988
Died noisily trying to gain entry to the Yorkshire Soviet, to which he had not been invited, Thursday 12 May, after a violent attack of gout. A heavy drinker, McLennan had been sick for many years. No flowers - donations to the Salvation Army please. The following hymn to be sung at the funeral: (to - 16 tons by T.E.Ford)

“You loan 13 grand and what d'ya get
Wallied by Conference and deeper in debt
Bank manager don't you call me for I just went
I'm flogging my arse in Waterloo Gents”

He will be flushed down the lavatory at the close of Conference. Condolences to Jimmy Dunnachie M P and family.' Big Tam' will be sadly pissed.
M.D.

 

PFLCPSA BATTLEGROUP KURT WALDHEIM

The RCC sends its heartfelt thanks to the heroic officers and men of the Kurt Waldheim Brigade which has now returned safely to base. First of all, to TRIANGLE PRINTERS, our plastic arts unit, plus of course the LIBERATOR, our badge sellers and fundraisers, and all our sleepers and deep cover operatives who cannot of course be named. Thanks finally to all our dear comrades and friends who have fought to make our campaign the success it was.
DON'T FORGET FORMS AND FIVERS BEFORE YOU GO HOME.

Bibi Conference - see you next year.


"Tomorrow We Live!'
OSWALD MOSLEY


“Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble”
Proverbs 25.19
O.T. Standard American Aramco