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CONFERENCE 1990

 

MONDAY


Sunny Bournemouth once again hosts the greatest event in the Trade Union Calendar and a warm welcome goes first to SUSAN ‘ARRISON!! whose charming oratory has been sadly missed for the past two years. KEVIN McHUGH making his third farewell tour has begun the long slow climb back to power with this year’s promotion to Observer. A special welcome to KYLIE MINOGUE joining us on half pay after a long illness which has not dented her Shirley Temple image. And last but not quite least, KEVIN RODDY former President and ex Militant star performer whose weekend support for the end of the overtime ban in DSS swung the day for the forces of progress.


FORTHCOMING ATTRACTIONS...

Despite the rabid ravings of the BORED LEFT there will be absolutely no witchhunts this week. The witchhunt concluded some three months ago. Instead, on Thursday morning, we can expect the longest and most detailed debate on the nature, contents and odour of our diaries that we have ever seen fit to conduct. Scheduled to start at 09.15 it is confidently expected to last through till lunch time and thus guillotine all discussion of the BIRMINGHAM 6 (Oh yeah, and the other 8)

The other issue upon which drunken delegates will doubtless disagree is the proposed Merger with our worthy brothers and sisters in the bosses union. Opinion is divided on whether MILITANT who are opposed in practice whilst supporting in principle and are awaiting the perfect terms or whether the MODR8S who are opposed in principle whilst supporting it in practice because they know the members will throw it out forever on the present terms. BL’84 who couldn’t give a toss about principles, have decided to go for it in practice and invent the principles later. Is that clear? Good.

FAREWELL REG
Leaving us this year will be the inspiration of many a Popular Front cadre. REG WILLIAMS, ex-miner, ex-revolutionary, ex-CPSA Vice President and author of such famous lines as "I'm not about going up a blind alley in a logjam", "We'll throw in a grenade - gently, mind.". Like many plonkers before him, he will be sorely pissed. Those who wish to contribute to his retirement present should contact Finch's and ask for the Reg Williams Memorial Sheep-Dip Fund.

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ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

North London Property Speculator JOHN BILLOUIN was far too busy -as usual - to waste his valuable time attending his own Section Conference. But the ace singer and cabaret artiste will doubtless grace us with his presence for the rest of the week. JOHNNY SANDS as he prefers to be known by fellow terpsichoreans scored another coup at a recent South Eastern recruitment drive. His boring monologue consisted entirely of self-praise interspersed with petty attacks on both the BORED LEFT and his own MODR8 faction (who apparently don’t understand his attempts to be ‘nice’ to everyone). Staff questions concerning the benefits of Union membership were answered in an off-hand way as the great man concentrated his charms on a young blonde in the audience. Needless to say, he was as unsuccessful in this quest as were his recruitment efforts, the sum total of which was the resignation of three members.

ALBERT ASTBURY is 58.

Perennial drunken bore DOUG MURDOCH was on sparkling form yesterday. While DHSS conference delegates droned on about their irrelevant business, DUGGIE was in the bar reading JIM HANSONS copy of the SUNDAY SPORT. Summoned by a lackey TONY ROUSE to get back into the conference to move an SEC motion, MUDROCK wittily told him to ‘F*CK OFF’ while he finished his drink. He then put down the yuppie cat-litter and lurched back into the hall. He then proceeded to launch into a faltering but impassioned appeal to support the wrong motion for fully two minutes before spotting the bodies rolling in the aisles which alerted him to his blunder. The fact that the motion was passed overwhelmingly -together with his two minute standing ovation - speaks volumes for his dedication, commitment and persuasiveness.

TERRI MARTIN’s old man IAN THOMPSON is standing for election to the TUC. However, we have been spared the embarrassment of his election address which has not been printed because he spelt his name wrong.

Elsewhere the delectable AMANDA FINGLESON has demonstrated her usual impartiality and competence in respect of branch balloting. LLOYD ROBERTS branch sec of DHSS Hearts No 2 branch failed to organise an AGM or branch ballots this year so Section A/S STEVE GREEN called in HQ in the shape of FINGLESTEIN to assist. Which she duly did. However, shortly after noticing that the resultant vote had gone heavily in favour of the BORED LEFT, the ballot forms appear to have spontaneously invalidated themselves. LOUISE RAW, delegate from said branch, was understood to be less than enthralled on subsequently hearing that MS FINGLEMANN intends to follow up this triumph with an ‘organisation’ visit.

New to Conference this year is DTI’s latest activist, BILL ROBERTSON, who has apparently launched a one-man attempt to take over the Trade Union movement. Having no regard to such trivia as branch limitations, and under the cover of collecting signatures for a petition to have his building convert to a separate branch, he managed to persuade no less than 7 innocent members who aren’t even members of the BEC to sign nomination forms for the SEC. NEC and TUC. One confused victim, believing that she is now duly elected, has been found wandering around the parent branch DTI HQ asking where and what is the TUC and what is she supposed to do for it. When asked, diplomatically, to explain what he thought he had to offer the membership, ROBERTSON replied that there were too many experienced people on the NEC and it was time to let some novices have a chance.

Speaking of DTI. This year’s DAI THOMAS show was interrupted by both JOHN ELLIS and MARION CHAMBERS. The President and Gen Secretary broke with three years of tradition by turning up at the dying section’s conference marginally before it ende4 instead of the usual 10 minutes after. This was a notable achievement given RALPH GROVES laudable efforts in restricting the conference agenda to just 7 motions. Another sign of general health is the failure of 9 of its 13 branches including the 2 largest to complete the ballot forms for the election Section Treasurer correctly.

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EVES DROPPINGS

It is better to be hated than despised. Adam Spearpoint
I can smell a carve up when I see one. Richard Johannsen
I’m not English; I’m a Londoner. Stuart Collins
The members support the merger. They just need convincing. Stuart Collins
I wonder what some people mean when they talk about
Trade Unionism; Brotherhoodism or Working Togetherism John Ellis
Stewart’s good in bed; he falls asleep quickly and he doesn’t snore
Alasdaire Steane
Is it right to indoctrinate young reps into hating Trotsky without
explaining what he stood for? George Webster
YES!!! Collins, Lewis, Leitch, Steane etc
She bought me a game called ‘Middle Aged Crisis’ Peter Thomason
Bit late for that isn’t it? Jim Hanson
You never know what you might find if you poke around in someone else's
drawers. Geoff Blaney
‘Allo, is Geoff there? Tell him Reg rang.
Williams to the office of Sir Geoffrey Howe

THINGS THEY NEVER SAID

Delegates are invited to continue this variation on the quote theme with suitable words to be put in the mouths of those who haven’t said them but ought to. We kick off with these examples:

Rob Leitch: Leedham’s an excellent Presidential Candidate.
Terry Adams: I like a good laugh and a night on the piss.
Sir Woy d’Lewis: No thanks. I’ve had enough. I know when I’ve had enough
Steve Battlemuch: I’m a pompous little prick
Marek Serwotka: I don’t wish to bore you but...
Alan Gilhespie: I couldn’t manage another pint
Mickey Duggan: I am not interested in power or position

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REDS
by William Joyce


Further gloom in the MENDICANT camp at the results of the Newcastle Central Office delegate elections in which the puppet government stooges swept the board as these results confirm:

CLEWES 1526 CDMT (Puppet) - ELECTED
COX 1492 ditto
OLIVER 1488 ditto
CLARKE 1484 ditto
COLE 1478 ditto
MONEGHAN 1466 ditto
COMBE 1426 ditto
CHAPMAN 437 MALIGNANT - NOT ELECTED
McHUGH 436 ditto
THOMPSON 372 ditto
MARSH 338 ditto
HOLMES 338 ditto
HUTCHINSON 332 ditto
THURLEWAY 332 ditto

McWHO followed up this triumph by narrowly losing to Monsignor DUGGAN who polled 8,319 against KEVIN’s 6,089 in the fight for DHSS Chair.

Celtic hooligan EDDIE TONNER stayed at home to watch his team get stuffed in the Scottish Cup final and then flew down later. On close examination of his neighbour on the plane he discovered it to be none other than NEIL KINNOCK. "Where are you going Boyo?" asked the Welsh Wizard. "To CPSA Conference in Bournemouth" came the awed reply. "Oh yes, I hear the Trots got a right thumping" chortled the working class hero. WILLY SAMUELS, DHSS scrutineer, is deputy leader of Edinburgh Council’s Labour Group.

ROD BACON and STEVE BATTLEMUCH are being kept far apart this week on specific instructions from MAID MARION following their friendly rivalry at the BORED LEFT hustings. MUCH, having been unceremoniously ejected from the Midlands regional slate, organised a revenge coup in Central London by seeing to it that BACON toppled the hapless SIMON DENNISON is left without a single post attracting Facility Time.
DENNISON now faces the prospect of working for a living, something he hasn’t done in Donkeys years. The Department has already prepared his two-year training and probation period.

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PFLCPSA NEWS
Daily Debriefing in the SMUGGLERS bar at close of Conference each day. Cadres must be on time.
T-SHIRTS, SPORTS SHIRTS & BADGES available at our stand in the foyer bar. If you have any difficulty in finding us please ask Agent LOBO on the Anti-Apartheid stall for directions.

From Palestine to Falconcrest - One struggle, One fight.
Revolution until Victory
!


Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favour when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ doing the will of God from your Heart.
St Paul, Letter to the Ephesians 6. 5-7
Gideon Plate Tectonic


TUESDAY


3rd SUCCESS ON THE TROT SIGNALS HQ PURGE (AGAIN)

For a record 3rd successive year, the MODR8s have swept the board in the elections and for the third successive year they are making Macho private threats about finally disposing of the BL hacks in FALCONCREST. We expect their bottle to give out - as usual - shortly after leaving conference. Frankly, though, FRANK BONNER ought to start scanning the ‘Sits Vacant’ columns, as there is a growing all-party consensus that this is exactly how he spends most of his time.

Meanwhile, early celebrations kept Bournemouth up all night. There was gloom and despondency in the disarrayed REDS camp. The first returns suggest that the MODs have retained their majority, keeping all three Presidential posts, though with a slight RED swing increasing MENDICANT’s share from 1 to 3, with EL’84 at 5; though 3 seats are held by the MODR8 backed CHARLATAN group.

Behind the scenes, however, the struggle for the General Secretaryship intensifies. BRUNO ELLIS would normally retire at 55 on a full Pension. But the bluff Tyke cannot face the prospect of a quiet retirement in the Dales and is musing about letting his name go forward when his term of office expires. This is being bitterly opposed by RAMSBLADDER, the self-appointed heir-apparent, who can’t wait to get his hands on BRUNO’s inflated salary and expense account. BARRY’s elevation is a prospect regarded with sheeplike resignation by the remaining Full Timers, none of whom either have the guts to stand against him or a good word to say about him.

But while all this is going on, the burning question for the rest of us is where to site future CPSA Conferences. First of all, following the practice of the last 10 years, the venue must begin with a ‘B’. The proposal to return to Butlins is unlikely to be heard. The PFLCPSA’s long standing demand, therefore, to move Conference to Beirut is merely a logical and somewhat overdue extension to this tradition.

GRANTS HILL DSS were on strike last Friday in support of their campaign to refuse to co-operate with Poll Tax. Why weren’t we told?

Did anyone follow the mess surrounding the passage of motion 85? The MOD5 advised opposition to motion 80 whilst BL’84 recommended support for it in preference to 85. Neither seems to have noticed that 80 fell on the adoption of standing orders so couldn’t be heard. Then just to ensure balance in the chaos, ex BORED LEFT activist DENNISON, somewhat prematurely anticipating his demise, failed to turn up to second 85 and MORON had to rush in to fill the breech.

LES JONES’ wife left Conference to return to the real world yesterday, leaving him with no one to balance the tidal motions on his waterbed. No reasonable offers refused.
Speaking of the LCD, junior cadres therein publish a pithy monthly known as ‘The Alternative Officer’. This month’s issue reprints the (London) Evening Standard’s full-page expose of why ELLIS lives in Caterham - as though anyone gave a monkey’s. The reason why the Standard picked ELLIS is because they couldn’t find anyone else of any ‘prominence’ living in Caterham — which is, of course, the real reason he lives there.

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SAY IT IN GEORDIE...

GEORDIE
ENGLISH
Howay the lads!
Good morning!
Ur yer gannie doon the nettie?
Will you be visiting the washroom?
Gannin doon the rood, kanni bairn.
Expulsion

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ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

WHO WE ARE
For the last 1400 years, Islam has guided millions of people. 1400 years of solid progress and achievement.

WE CAN HELP
In the Islamic Left, we know that your first conference can be a little daunting. So as well as daily PFLCPSA Communiqués, we have prepared some prayers to guide you through the business of conference. The prayers are not politically biased, just a genuine attempt to help our colleagues. If it could be useful to you, please contact any Imam in the Foyer/Bar.

BUSINESS FOR THE WEEK
Where your branch has mandated you, you must follow this; other than when a Higher Authority calls on you to carry out His Bidding.

Tuesday Afternoon:
Motion 287: Listen carefully -
Susan ‘Arrison might be speaking
Motion 310: Oppose.
There is no such word in English as ‘Discontinuance'
Wednesday Morning:
Support the Reference Back on Motion 1144a. Fight for the right for Muslims to have their own schools.
Further guidance will be issued tomorrow.


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RED
STEVE BATTLEMUCH - of SOCIAL CARCASE fame - during the debate on EM1 stated that he “came from a branch which voted 9:1 to reject the pay offer”. Those of you who were awake at the time may remember the Point of Order which asked the very reasonable question “How does he know? It was supposed to be a secret ballot.” Can we expect the launch of a ‘Defend the South Notts One’ campaign in 6 months time?

GREEN
The Green Revolution is here too. After years of tedious intros along the lines of ‘Larry O’Callaghan - Home Office HQ and member of the Socialist Workers Party’; we have finally caught the new mood with at least one DTI delegate who declared himself ‘JOHN LITTLER, DTI HQ AND MEMBER OF FRIENDS OF THE EARTH’. Doesn’t have quite the same ring does it?

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He who conceals his hatred has lying lips. And whoever spreads slander is a fool. When words are many, sin is not absent. But he who holds his tongue is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.
PROVERBS 10. xvii - xx
Gideon Hexadecimal

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ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Organisation department have cocked up yet another election. Delegates to the new National Assembly were staggered to learn that the election results could not be disclosed. This is, of course, nothing new to the Southern softies, but for the Caledonian hordes - late of the Northern Assembly - the appalling ineptitude of ‘SKIPPY’ STANSFIELD came as an unwelcome revelation. The explanation, like la Stansfield herself, is relatively simple. Blissfully unaware of the development of the National Assembly, when she received ballot papers etc for distribution to the ‘NA’ she naturally sent them only to the old Northern Assembly branches thus disenfranchising 6,000 members in the Southern Assembly at a stroke. Early returns show a landslide for the BORED LEFT.

COUNT KOWALSKI is clearly getting desperate. The lanky Pole accosted senior PFL agent CHRIS MORON at last night’s DSS do and tried to recruit him to the EX LEFT ‘84 payroll. This would have been a pretty dumb move in any circumstances. The fact that MORON has been a publicly paid up member of BORED LEFT all his adult life gives it an edge of acute stupidity. MORON politely declined his offer, made his excuses and left.
The HERMITAGE was packed on Sunday night for the CHARTIST rally as hundreds of delegates poured in on the promise of free booze. £460 had been raised by the CHARLATANS in order to bribe punters to support their victory beano, made possible by massive MODR8 support, and raised in the form of a £20 tithe on 23 of DUGGOUT’s henchmen. Unfortunately for one such, DAVE ALLEN, by the time he got to the bar, the thirsty horde had consumed the entire kitty so his drink cost him no less than £21.40.

Incidentally, readers may like to know that PFL heroine KATE LOSINSKA is staying at the WHITE HERITAGE (opposite the BIC) all week and will be meeting us all tomorrow when she collects her richly deserved Gold Badge. Her room can be clearly be seen from the SMUGGLER’s bar. It’s on the 3rd floor with the blue canopy.

ALAN GILHESPY’s dependence on strong spirit continues to play havoc with his health and general well-being. Most recently, he has been evicted from his residency at the NEWTON public house in Newcastle following his tendency to reach 120 decibels after the 14th pint and then collapse into coughing fits combined with symptoms of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. On Saturday, desperate to watch the cup final through the comforting distortion of the bottom of a glass, he toured Bournemouth searching for a pub with a telly in it. The taxi driver, spotting an obvious mark, took him on an expensive guided tour of the Islamic quarter in which no alcohol was remotely visible. Eventually the slob was dumped, together with stooges ROUSE & WATSON at an anonymous hostelry on the outskirts of nowhere. Any hope they had of enjoying the first half were destroyed by GILHESPY’s bellows in the direction of the barman which purported to complain at the absence of such facilities in Bournemouth and their relative abundance on and around the Tyne — a trifle unfair given that this was in fact one of the few such well endowed sites in the town. Messrs R and W, unable to bear the embarrassment of being associated with the gauche Geordie, crept away and left him to it. Unfortunately, the inebriated Biffa was then unable to find his way back ‘home’ having not yet memorised the name or address of his hotel. The irate barman eventually heaved the disoriented blob onto a bus. He completed 8 full circuits of Bournemouth before equally irate transport staff ejected him in the Town centre where he was eventually rescued by other delegates and led back to his colleagues.

Congratulations are pouring in to ARTHUR NEWELL following his re-­election as a Tory Councillor for Enfield. CPSA’s oldest living member, the 79-year-old fellow thespian has his position with the Met Police reviewed/renewed each year under the Fitness for Retention scheme. Naturally, his annual reports, helpfully written by RICHARD REGAN, fully justify the great man’s ongoing ‘employment’. KNOWALL, also one of EQUITY’s oldest members has starred as a Monster in ‘DR WHO’ and a Plank in the ‘ONEDIN LINE’. He continues to grace the stage whenever he gets a break from his life-long mission to rid the planet of anyone to the left of former Prime Minister EDWARD HEATH.

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EVE’S DROPPINGS

When you go to Manchester, do you get humbugs for the journey? Hanson
No. I seldom travel with Duggan. Dave Allen
I got blisters on my hands walking to the shops today. Alasdaire Steane
Who is that speaking? Is it me? Simon Dennison
I will never sign a letter ‘Yours sororally’. John McCreadie
I love the old feller, he gave me his support. Dave Allen
Are you still wearing it? Neil Bronkhorst
I will be fascinated if there’s any opposition MarkSerwotka
I will now fascinate Mark Serwotka Andrew Miller
Who’ve we got on the floor to oppose the Staffing Campaign Motion?
Richard Johannsen
No-one. We’re supporting! Dave Allen
We’re not at Bechers or the Chair yet, but we can’t afford to sit on the
fence. Ali Arnott

Wet and Wisdom of Alan Gilhespy:

I remember the 1984 Newcastle Shiftworkers dispute in 85/86
I wish I was sitting on a fly on the wall
I support the Ambulance dispute. I put my money in my pocket

THINGS THEY NEVER SAID (2)
Maid Marion Just a Ryvita, please.
The Eight Anyone got a stamp?
Red Bacon
I'm staying in to was my hair tonight.
Sir Woy I'm staying in to have a bath.
McVicar As usual John, you're absolutely right.

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Daily Debriefing in the SMUGGLERS bar at close of Conference each day. Cadres must be on time.
T-SHIRTS, SPORTS SHIRTS & BADGES available at our stand in the foyer bar. If you have any difficulty in finding us please ask Agent LOBO on the Anti-Apartheid stall for directions.

From Palestine to Falconcrest - One struggle, One fight.

FOR SALE: £11,995 o.n.o. 3 bed: S.D.: G.C.H; and Wine Cellar. Modernised Victorian property in Leytonstone. Owner looking for quick sale. Contents of Winelake to be auctioned separately.


WEDNESDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Blackpool was the scene of unprecedented rejoicing as news of the KNEECAPS MODR8 victory spread. Although the SECRET LEFT still hold the Presidency, they are now reduce to a total of 5 seats against the combined MOD vote of 27. The MODR8 triumph is also a personal victory for heroic FRANK PEMBERTON whose own PROGRESSIVE MODR8S took 9 seats and he himself captured the Vice Presidency. Running mate ALAN ENGLAND failed dismally in his attempt to snatch the Presidency and his ORTHODOX MODR8S with 8 seats in the new executive will clearly be playing second fiddle to FRANKO in future. ENGLAND, a keen proponent of the Merger, had been confident of victory. To the extent that he had even rung our own sainted MARION to inform her that once unity had been achieved, he would be the obvious candidate for the Presidency.

CHAS CLEWES, the leading member of Newcastle's puppet Government, has been given the key post of Steward by BRUNO, who believes in rewarding dumb obedience. Delighted at having at last achieved a position of responsibility, the eager Geordie stopped an elderly couple hovering by his door and asked to see their credentials. They promptly produced Bingo Cards and asked how much it was to get in.

Five upstanding members of NEWCASTLE DISTRICT DSS branch were evicted on Saturday night by their landlord at the SEAWAYS hotel when he took umbrage at the behaviour of two of the children who had obtained a supermarket trolley covered in balloons and were pushing a fellow Geordie home in it. As one does. Still smarting, however, from the invasion of those other northern Hooligans - the Leeds United fans - the landlord exploded in rage saying `I'm not having the likes of you in my hotel; this town has had enough of your kind lately and I want you out now.' And at 3.00 a.m. proceeded to evict the entire party including the innocent DORIS an inoffensive arthritic 54 year old who was not even part of the action. The police are investigating the whereabouts of the trolley and considering the option of pressing charges connected with obstructing the highway. Dipsomaniac STEVE RICHARDSON escaped the fate of his colleagues by sleeping through the entire incident despite the manic hammering on his door. Things wouldn't have been quite so bad had the landlord not already had their dosh having insisted on cash up front. Needless to say, the bastard has not so far returned the funds but luckily CHRIS KIRK has leapt in to the rescue by giving each of the five no less than £20 each to tide them through this nightmare. This, claims the General Treasurer, is all she has the authority to dispense.

DSS Inner London delegate MIKE DAVEY spent most of last week on the phone to FALCONCREST trying to track down his Conference Expenses. Eventually they quit bluffing that they had sent them to him and admitted that they actually sent the cheque to none other than CHRIS MORON who, fortunately, had not had the wit to cash it in.

A dirty old Tramp was spotted by BIC security staff hovering around one of the side entrances yesterday, but the contents of their dustbins were safe on this occasion as the vagrant turned out to be none other than PETER COLTMAN in town to collect his Gold Badge pay off for 29 years of Treachery.

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ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

The following guidance is issued for the benefit of all believers.
Wednesday Afternoon:
Motions 520 and 521. Oppose.
Regional control is clearly best established from Beirut or Baghdad.
Motion 534. Support.
Place womens issues to one side, where they will cause less distraction to the pursuit of real issues.
Motion 549. Support.
Can be usefully combined with ll44a.
Motion 553. Oppose.
The Poll Tax is clearly the only way in which the workshy and parasites can be made to pay their way.
Motions 578 and 588. Oppose.
Reactionary nonsense.
Motion 612. Oppose.
The progressive line is to campaign for affiliation to the only party which believers should support - Hizbollah. (Party of God - GB division)
Motion 619. Support.
Confirm the obvious will of the masses.

All other Merger motions: Clearly we cannot afford to join with a Godless Union run by debauched alcoholics and drug addicts. The purity we have fought so hard to achieve should not be put at risk by an alliance with the forces of Satan. Vote accordingly, regardless of your branch mandates.

Thursday Morning:
Motion 965. Oppose.
Godless motion. Seeks to reverse the laws of nature.
Motion 973. Support.
Again, usefully combined with 1144a.
Motion 991. Support.
The time is right for the adoption of the Moslem calendar. Filofax editions should include relevant extracts from the Holy Quran and a map of Mecca.
The Accused:
Listen studiously to the pleas of the accused to see if there is any room for mercy. Remember, however, that Islamic Law is clear. The Sharia stipulates that the hand of the thief must be cut off.

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COMPETITION TIME - There once was a worker called Mart.....

We have received only a handful of entries to date for the Limerick competition. IAN HUTCHINSON has captured the spirit well with:

There once was a worker called Martyn
Who was often accused of fartin'
In spite of the Pong
His accusers were wrong
It was only his brain he was startin'

LEWIS and STANSFIELD have a wager over which competition will yield most entries. So far PFL is clearly in the lead. Please ensure through your dedication and loyalty that this remains the case.

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REDS
by Vidkund Quisling

The DSS Social ended in the usual brawl; thus maintaining its centuries old tradition of first blood at Conference. The beano itself was also faithful to its shoddy predecessors; the beer was crap, the comedian didn't turn up and the raffle was the high spot of the evening. However, DICKIE MUGGAN, emboldened by vast amounts of alcohol, enraged the motley TROTS by cracking a series of `jokes' referring to the NEWCASTLE 8 in such terms as “What is the difference between the Newcastle 8 and Roger Rabbit?” to which the hilarious answer was “Roger Rabbit was framed”. Naturally enough this provoked the TROTS into hurling abuse at the pugnacious prat who responded predictably with a stream of obscenities.

Later, as DUGGOUT lurched around the hall, one PAUL HICKLING, acting on behalf of BATTLEMUCH and the rest of the DSS South Notts branch, walked up to the tedious toad clutching a pint of beer which MICHAEL assumed was being offered for his consumption. Not so. The brave TROT announced that `this is from the membership at DSS South Notts' and calmly poured the contents the loathsome Londoner's head. HICKLING was quickly put to flight clutching his balls. The dripping dwarf then espied agent MORON and some chums cackling delightedly at his discomfort. He launched into his usual intellectually limited anti TROT invective unaware that one of MORON's guests had actually voted for him in this year's elections. HICKLING has not yet returned to the observers' gallery while his master BATTLEMUCH has since distanced himself from the heroic act by congratulating the oaf on his prowess and adding that his erstwhile stooge had `asked for it'.

Leading RED, TONY CHURCH made his point in the Agencies debate praising SWEDEN and its social democratic party as part of his incoherent tirade against the NEC. Clearly he is oblivious to the fact that his Swedish heroes expelled all their TROTS 20 years ago.
PHIL GREEN - BL Veep candidate - has been seen kerb-crawling round town in his gas guzzling bourgemobile, a brand new ideologically sound Daimler Jag. The Tithing is obviously working.

BROAD LAPELS `84 social was the lowlight of the evening. All the stuffed shirts attended in full dress uniform - five piece suits; colour coordinated underwear optional. The gathering was clearly musically influenced by a Benidorm experience judging from the dreadful cacophony emitted by the band `Pylo de Shito' who sang and played flamenco in the style of Morrissey - the first time dirges have been played at 78 RPM. Mogadon Man HANSON was not responsible for booking them. He apparently booked a live band. On the other hand, perhaps he was merely trying to be an equal opportunities employer. Rule 1 (no Trots) was rigidly applied. DRUGGAN arrived at the crack of last orders in the same state he left the previous evening's DSS do after having spent the vast bulk of the evening imbibing with his MODR8 chums where he is much more popular.

DOREEN PURVES (Newcastle weight) addressing the MALIGNANT rally warned the assembled horde that “There will be Riot Police and all our members should be disciplined.” Wot, not just the 8?

ERRATA
Apologies to ALAN GILHESPIE for implying that TONY ROUSE was anywhere near him during his grand tour of Bournemouth (see Communiqué 2) the other drunken bum was in fact IAN BROOKE.

We also note the unintended implication that LARRY is a member of the SOCIALIST WANKERS PARTY rather than MENDICANT and apologise unreservedly to the SWP for this slur.

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Could LES JONES - whoever he may be - please pass on the waterbed offers to LES MORGAN for whom they were originally intended. We understand he is now prepared to pay commission.

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A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who pours out lies will perish.
Proverbs 19.9 Good News

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EVE'S DROPPINGS
I shall enjoy getting a letter from London South Region. I shall reply on my `Winnie the Pooh' stationery. Tony Rouse
Fuck the Proletariat; you nearly wet my strides! Rob Leitch
Bombay Chicken or Bombay Duck. One of thems not a duck is it. Roy Cremin
“Conference reaffirms its policies of campaigning for world peace and for spending on arms to be converted to socially useful purposes”
Willy Samuels (quoting NUCPS motion)
How do you convert a bullet to socially useful purposes then? John Doyle
Shoot Trots! Samuels
You can't trust any bastard. Blondie Morgan
(Coughing) Sorry about that. Must have been that Ryvita I had for lunch.
Ms Chambers
Sometimes I'd like to know what the `84 line is. Moron
So would I! Leech
The MILITANT sheet is much better quality than BROADSIDE. Bronk
Yes but at least we don't fill ours with boring pictures of boring people. Whoops, sorry Doreen. Jenkins
Excuse me - are you Jonathan Ross? Member of public to Collins

THINGS THEY NEVER SAID (3)
Andy Miller - I think I'll sit this debate out
Chris Kirk - Ray's so clever with money
Bournemouth 5 - We'd like to give CPSA our heartfelt thanks for helping us out in a crisis
Paul Hickling - Can I get you another one Mickey?
Kate Losinska - I'm sure I don't deserve this honour

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Daily Debriefing in the SMUGGLERS bar at close of Conference each day. Cadres must be on time.
T-SHIRTS, SPORTS SHIRTS & BADGES available at our stand in the foyer bar. If you have any difficulty in finding us please open your bleedin eyes and stop pestering that poor bastard Agent LOBO on the Anti-Apartheid stall.


THURSDAY

Note from Barrabas December 2013: While re-creating the archive, I discovered a retained copy of this issue, which I remember for our long journey through the night. The graphic indicates that the alleged photocopying was actually knitting patterns. The names on the scroll are those of the Newcastle 8 but in mirror image. Here's a run through:

 

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Apart from today the media have displayed their usual indifference to the dramatic events which have unfurled at Bournemouth over the past few days. RAMSBLADDER has of course ensured that their den, a seedy cellar in the BIC, is well stocked with strong spirit for the motley rabble which consists of some of BARRY'S drinking chums masquerading as Stewards together with the predictable THOMASON, and DUGGOUT. But the threat to withdraw credentials from the SOCIALIST WANKER reporter SUE CALDWELL and her opposite number FRANK SMITH (who has flown in specially from Nicaragua to tell EL'84's tartan delegates how to vote) failed to materialise. In SMITH's case this is because he will obviously out of a job by the end of the month. But the main reason is that ELLSIE sees journalism as a method of supplementing his meagre pension in two years time. His rubbishy article in the Evening Standard explaining why he lives in Caterham collected a juicy £250 - equivalent to a full day's work at FALCONCREST. However, BRUNO's latest attempt to make the headlines has not been so successful. Prior to conference, he tried to interest the papers in a new TROT scare story to the effect they were poised to return to power and only HE stood in their way. Disowned by the ambitious RAMSBOTTOM, only the worthless Standard and SCUM fell for it. (Mein Gott that paragraph's boring - thank fuck it's finished - Ed)

PAUL ALEXANDER from DSS Ashton-under-Lyme has been helping police with their inquiries following complaints that a flasher has been seen operating within the vicinity at the Conference Centre. But after appearing on a Dorset Police identity parade he was released. It appears there was insufficient to detain him. (Better -Ed)

LCD's latest bid for attention consists of a claim that if/when the Merger ballot goes down the pan, they will secede from CPSA and revert to their old name the County Court Officers Association or COCOA CLUB for short.

ROY LEWIS self-professed `84 kingmaker was overwhelmed by the dual MODR8 victory in Blackpool and Bournemouth. Flushed with free liquor supplied by RAMSBLADDER, Sir Woy was so pissed that he forgot to sign the SOC report which thus emerged as a `majority' report. Last seen by MARTIN JONES crawling through the park chatting up Rhododendron bushes.

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REDS
by Pierre Laval


More gloom on the RED Front as the MODR8 bandwagon sweeps on. The MENDICANT rally attracted only the faithful few and a tithe of only £3,000 was collected - the lowest for a decade. But so far none of the MALIGNANT TENDENCY have had the courage to reclaim their collection box (containing 50 pence) which was found in a gutter outside the hail. MARION invited a "sensible member of the Broad Left" to collect it. Naturally she is still waiting and has decided that unless someone comes forward to claim it, she will donate it to Cancer Research.

Comrade SMIFF, industrial correspondent of the SCUM is proudly displaying his class solidarity in the shape of the PFLCPSA “Poll Axe the Trots” T-Shirt which he purchased from our agent out of his expense account. The lecherous hack distinguished himself at the `84 Pavilion Social (reported in communiqué 3) on Tuesday night. Spotting the main chance offered by the fact that the fag machine was empty and tabs were changing hands at £1 a piece, he approached a PFL officer and offered to barter “fags for pussy”. Our loyal agent wisely withdrew tastefully claiming to have scrounged a night's supply already and that his offer was thus about as much use as Terry Waite's Poll Tax Form. The hack then slunk away and shortly afterwards disappeared. We can only assume that he must have had better luck elsewhere.

The Conference Arrangements Committee scored a major coup in allowing SOCIALIST WANKERS to operate their RED bookshop. Unaware that BOOKWISE was a TROT front they blithely agreed to the stall and a full day's trading took place till the CATHOLICS spotted it.

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ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

In the name of God, the compassionate, the merciful. The following guidance is issued for the benefits of all believers.
Thursday Afternoon:
Motion 861. Support.
Seize the opportunity to implement our progressive demands (see page 4).
Motion 864. Support with reservations.
Amend Easter to Ramadan.
Motions 883, 886. Support.
Motions 892. Oppose.
Godless motion, seeks once again to reverse the laws of nature.
Motion 904. Support.
If the true path is made clear to non-believers they will surely follow it.
Motion 910. Oppose.
If it is the will of Allah that they shall fail, then a thousand horses will not change their fate.
Motion 923 and 924. Oppose.
Outrageous Godless and Communistic motions. A woman's place is in the home.
Motion 953. Oppose.
Uninformed nonsense, the current editor is a modest, sober, hardworking, upright and God-fearing Man. He needs no assistance from lesser men.Friday Morning:
Motion 1212. Oppose.
Needs further thought. Resubmit next year with amendment to allow member to appeal at Friday Prayers.
Motion 1221. Oppose.
Motion 1015. Listen and Decide.
Anything which promotes gender selection promotes the will of Allah.
Motion 1029. Support subject to the passage of 1144a.
Motion 1042. Oppose.
Its time to let bygones be bygones.
Motion 1056. Oppose.
Reactionary proposal aimed at maintaining the colonialist superiority of the Western World. Islam too needs the bomb. Motions 1085 & 1087. Support. The Godless regimes were always destined to die.

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EVE'S DROPPINGS
Claret, Alasdair? Are you Joining the SDP? Dave Kowalski
Claret is a French Peasants drink I'll have you know. Alasdair Steane
Yes, well, that was the other option. Kowalski
Terry Adams was found abandoned amongst the rushes.
Frank Campbell
The members are indulging in self liaison Roy Lewis
Don't follow Jacobs anywhere. Phil Carpenter
Nobody ever did. Andy Brooks
Roy Lewis is like a pigeon. He flaps in, making a lot of noise, struts about puffing his chest out, shits on everybody and then flaps out again. Bronk
All Right then, stuff the Poll Tax. Maid Marion
I don't speak to people who criticise Mrs Chambers. Ramsbladder


THINGS THEY NEVER SAID (4)
Nicolai Ceasescu: They wouldn't dare shoot us on Christmas Day.
Chris Moran: Why don't the PFL ever mention me?
John O'Regan (the People's Bailliff): I never wanted to be Senior Steward anyway, Barry.
Comrade Smiff (Scum): No thanks, I'm celibate.
Peter Thomason: I like to maintain a high profile at Conference.
Kevin Oliver: I was only kidding.

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Because of all my enemies. I am the utter contempt of my neighbours; I am a dread to my friends - those who see me on the Street flee from me. I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery. For I hear the slander of many; there is terror on every side; they conspire against me and plot to take my life.
PROVERBS 31. xi - xiii
New Jerusalem Flagellant


FRIDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

While millions of GEORDIES packed the WINTERBOURNE hotel to celebrate the mercy of Allah and release of the Newcastle 8, sombre MODR8s and BL'84 activists were licking their wounds in secret lairs and plotting their next moves.

ELLIS is understood to be less than happy at the result which can only be interpreted as a humiliating rebuff for the forces of RIGHT. His chances of extending his services beyond the official retirement date in 1992 have now faded into insignificance despite his attempts to change the rules.

RAMSBLADDER, by contrast, has been unable to contain his glee at his superior's discomfiture, which he is convinced only confirms his conviction that he has been chosen by Allah to succeed the dour Yorkshireman.

Back in the BL'84 camp, hundreds had gathered for the inquest - the biggest gathering held by them all week. After a routine whinge from CONWAY about previous turnouts, the EX-LEFT then set about serious bloodletting. LEITCH surfaced from hiding to withdraw the resignation he had proffered in the heat of the moment and to condemn LEEDHAM whose treachery was seen to be a decisive factor in the vote. Only the previous night, party bosses, including DUGGOUT, CONWAY, LEITCH and LEEDHAM had agreed their liberal (non) line of 10 years suspension for the Geordie Gang. LEEDEM was chosen to present the case. In the cold light of morning, however, for reasons with which he has yet to burden his colleagues, he made his excuses and left LEECH to do the dirty work - giving the impression that he might perhaps propose a lesser penalty if the going got tough.

LEEDEM's stunning countermove in favour of the 8, together with a number of his DE comrades, left the INQUISITION breathless and reeling. DUGGIN, whose CHARLATAN group-has re-pledged its support for the CDMT, is baying for his blood. In Newcastle, the BL'84 collaborators are running for cover and the puppet regime is said to be on the point of collapse. OLIVER and his pals have already tendered their resignations and only MODR8 concern at losing their 4000 card vote prematurely persuaded them to sit out the remainder of conference rather than carry out their threat to go home yesterday.

Shame-faced TONY CONWAY, joint architect of the debacle, hung his head and sought to avoid demands to separate him from his testes by issuing a grovelling apology for his congenital incompetence.

While the bitter debate continued at the HERITAGE, PFLCPSA's paid informer, novitiate JOHN WOOLAS - `the man from Milk Tray ` - made 4 pages of detailed notes before a thuggish Scot threatened violence and invited him to depart. WOOLIE whose first conference this is, has been happily taking similar notes at various other functions throughout the week including the MALIGNANT rally and numerous fringe meetings without trouble till now. The wee bairn doesn't even understand the significance of most of what he was writing.

LEEDHAM LEADS EM... (cont)

Seasoned delegates will remember that LEEDHAM's position as `84 presidential candidate is only a ruse to provide an alibi for members to continue voting for MAID MARION in the absence of a serious candidate. This facade is now under serious threat as is his position as DE chair. His fate will clearly be sealed at the forthcoming emergency `84 conference to be held in the very near future. He has until then to produce something which might pass as a rational explanation for his actions. All eyes are thus on the obvious choice - DICKIE MUGGAN - who is backtracking furiously from his attempt to join the MODs. The opportunist oaf is unlikely to accept the nomination given CHARLATAN's acceptance that the LEFT can't win an election and, in particular, that MARION can't be beat. If he stood against her, then naturally the MODs would remove him from their list and leave him defenceless against the vagaries of democracy. Biting the hand that feeds him is not DUGGOUT's strong point.

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REDS
by Ian Leedem


MALIGNANT's rally on Tuesday was apparently honoured by the presence of TOMMY SHERIDAN, president of the Scottish Anti Poll Tax Federation. He melodramatically announced that he had been smuggled across the border to be with them and the gullible TROTS cheered their approval. Even more conspiratorially he announced that “something big” was going to take place in the next day or two but that for “security” reasons he couldn't reveal what it was. We'd all know about it when it happened though. Presumably this can now be seen to have been a direct reference to the Ransacking of GLASGOW DSS by the rabble of 60 RED ruffians who terrorised innocent CPSA Members on Wednesday. With friends like that...

It's hard to believe I know, but not all PFL agents are universally popular. Ace PFL reporter CHRIS MORON has been at it all week. Yesterday he was digging into the SEAWAYS scandal, pestering one of the victims to give him an exclusive; to which she replied, “I don't want to be offensive but you are a boring bastard. Why don't you fuck off before I push you in the swimming pool.”

KEVIN COOMBS BL'84 stooge and BRITISH OBSERVER rushed back from a session on the beach at lunchtime yesterday confidently demanding to know whether the 8 had got life or just the 10 years. `Has the good news been announced?' he inquired in his prep school manner. The news that all 8 had been totally acquitted left him deflated like a used condom.

Other reactions to the `good news' included at least one delegate literally wetting herself; but as we confidently expect her to pay her entirely voluntary subscription for the next years PFL efforts, we wont reveal her name. Yet.

The BOURNEMOUTH 5 has grown throughout the week to the DIRTY DOZEN but number 6 on the list MANDY ENTWHISTLE deserved the special mention (Soviet Hero Class 1) she received at last nights meeting of the Yorkshire Soviet. Turning up at the infamous cockroach infested hovel SEAWAYS - by prior arrangement - in time for breakfast at 8 a.m. on Sunday morning and somewhat knackered after an overnight journey, she was promptly thrown out of a hotel she hadn't even set foot in. The other 6 were turfed out by the insane landlord who called in the TACTICAL SUPPORT GROUP and the dog handlers on Wednesday evening. The lunatic owner who - for future reference - goes by the name of HAMILTON clearly needs serious help - as would any members stupid enough to book in there next year.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

EVE'S DROPPINGS

I'm Section Chair. I'm going to have a holiday In the Bahamas on Section funds, they can't touch me for It, I will simply be upholding Conference policy. Rob Leitch
Can I come to your DMO? Jim Hanson
Why? Have I got one? Richard Johannsen
We've Just changed from floppies to hard Peter Harris
Et tu Duggan? Barry Reamsbottom
Putting one over on Macreadie is better than having an orgasm
Mickey Duggan
Hinting at Reg Williams is like sticking a 4 year olds penis in a buffalo. Rob Leitch
I have to have a days notice to have a drink Eddie Philips
You can do that on your head Doug Murdoch
I usually do. Rikki Wigley
I put a towel round my head to write this paper Ellis
Conference Is an emotive totem pole. Ellis
I'm just a simple country Lad Mark Serwotka
Those of you who have stayed for Sexual Harassment, please come to the front.. MarionChambers
I like a bit of cane David Brain
Newcastle is run by the members these days, they don't elect Trots
Sir Woy d'Lewis
Tern Martin is more like a bloke than a man Mike Curran
Six half crowns, is that all? Basil the Bailiff
When I was young enough to know what a half crown was, I was never entrusted with 6 all at the same time Les Jones-Morgan

THINGS THEY NEVER SAID (5)
John Ellis - The important thing is that justice has been done
Ian Leedham - I'm going to vote for `no penalty'
Barry Reamsbottom - I'm not an ambitious man
Tony Conway - Lets make sure we all know what we're doing

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DOSH...
Don't forget PFLCPSA needs your money, if we're to survive, just as much as you need the PFL if you're to survive Conference week. Give generously and often. Don't forget SUBs forms if you want the inter-conference editions. Last minute Badges and T-Shirts available from distribution Agents as usual.

The Limerick competition.
Nobody won. Try again next year.

And so...
Its bibi Conference.
So long, FRANK TAYLOR, REG WILLIAMS, NORMAN JACOBS and PETER COLTMAN (again), and ROB LEITCH

Eternal thanks to COLONEL ISLAM, AGENTS APOLLO, BRONK, AND MERCURY, SIR WOY, BARRY REAMSBOTTOM and all the others who made this operation the success it was. Thanks to Conference for paying such close attention to our guidance; though surely it wasn't too much to ask for at least one point of order - perhaps MARION could move one from the Chair. Thanks to Allah the merciful. Thank Christ I can get some sleep now. See you same place, same time next year.

I will return and I will be millions.
Eva Peron


May those who seek my life be disgraced and put to shame: may those who plot my ruin be turned back in dismay. May they be like chaff before the wind, with the Angel of the Lord driving them away.
PSALM 35. 4-5 GIDEON VERNACULAR