CONFERENCE 91

WEEKEND

MARION CHAMBERS
Marion is one of those withdrawn, diminutive girls who tends, unfortunately to get bullied. She is constantly getting involved in fights with her considerably larger schoolmates, mainly as a result of taunting about her size. We have recently been feeding her “Super-Weight-On” to increase her stature, and have been making her stand with her head in a growbag for an hour a day in an attempt to stimulate the grey matter between her ears, but the indications are that she will always be a small cog in the big wheel of life.

JOHN ELLIS
John has been warned several times about his green spiky hair, and frankly, bondage trousers are not permitted school dress. I feel that he might come down to earth with a bump when he leaves school if he persists with his ambition to become the Alexander the Great of late 20th century Clapham Junction.

JOHN MACREADIE
John is a deeply sensitive boy who may well find his future vocation in one of the caring professions such as nursing or missionary work. He is inoffensive and quite often sacrifices his own comforts for the benefit of his colleagues. John always puts himself in second place and donates a substantial amount of his pocket money to deserving causes.

MARGARET KAYE
Margaret is one of the most destructive, difficult girls I have ever had to deal with in my 40 years as a teacher at a remand school. I feel she will have to do a great deal of work if she is to find a place as an agreeable member of society. The sulking and other problems she recently caused us after falling out with her chums John and Marion is typical of her anti-social, anarchic character which has for some time bordered on deep psychosis. She will doubtless end up in a secure hospital, or become a Civil Servant.

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NEWS FROM THE SMOKE FILLED ROOMS
by Barrabas

The BORED LEFT have been maintaining their usual grip on reality and consistent line at the NEC:- the entire SILLY WANKERS PARTY (Carolaine Adams) moved a motion on the Gulf; it was -seconded by MENDICANT superbraincell Danny Williamson. An amendment was moved by T `er'ry Adams, Williamson's puppet - master. Superbraincell voted in favour of the amendment. He then voted against the amended motion. Exactly the type of leadership the members need (and voted for).

Our well informed Scottish Officer, the redoubtable Mason Boyle excelled himself recently on a quiz machine with other EX-LEFT `84 cronies Duggan, Sir Woy d'Lewis and the degenerate NUCPS hippy Bronko: there were 8 Scottish questions and, needless to say, Big Jazza got every single one wrong. Mickey reckoned that his famous performing cats would have done better by pressing the buttons at random.

Whilst partaking of a small sherry or two recently at the members' expense in a notorious inn nearby CPSA HQ (its initials “W.C” being apposite), Campbell, Lewis, Leitch, Kowalski, Blades, Big Jazza, Williams.B and Hanson were all sat at the same table. Campbell was, unusually, the only sober one amongst them, and clearly the effect of neat orange juice was beginning to tell, for it was our Frank who managed to tip over the table spilling £20 of booze. Did our hero offer to refill, the workers glasses? Did he fairy cakes! Said he was only on soft drinks and it was not his turn to go to the bar, having just bought the last round. Such social graces.

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EVE'S DROPPINGS

GCHQ has contacts with Mars - ELLIS
I'll send the Birmingham Six a Guinness - CHAMBERS
I'll never be a brilliant speaker, but I'll always be mediocre - BARROWCLOUGH
There's one thing about DE people: they're all totally boring - THOMASON
People won't join CPSA in the Met. Police: they think this NEC is too militant - DUGGAN
Arthur Newell has flogged himself unmercifully for the last 10 years - ROUSE
What's straight sex? - CONWAY

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TO ALL PFLCPSA AGENTS AND CADRES
FROM THE GENERAL COMMAND

The inaugural meeting of this years Forward Battle Group FELICES DEFENSOR will be held in the SMUGGLERS BAR in the BIC at 19.Oohrs on Sunday. De-briefings will take place in the same venue daily at the close of Conference. There will be as usual a daily bulletin from Monday to Friday and our wide range of T shirts and badges are available from our usual agents and contacts in and around the bars and Socials. The yearly PFLCPSA magazine subscription has been held down to SIX POUNDS only, so make sure you are on our mailing list at the correct address (N.B. this sum does not include your large solidarity donation to daily bulletin costs).

MONDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Once again, takings are up in Bournemouth hostelries as the NATIONAL MODR8S celebrate their usual overwhelming victory at the polls. But behind the scenes, moves are afoot to ensure a smooth transition of power from soon to retire JOHN ELLSI to General Secretary designate (and deep cover agent) BARON RAMSBLADDER.

RAMSBLADDER’S election will be a formality, providing JOHN agrees to go quietly, with the only challenge coming from BORED LEFT’S perpetual candidate, JON McVICAR. EX LEFT ‘84 will once again ensure a big Right Wing vote by choosing another no-hoper as their man. TOM McVEE’S name is in the frame.

Talking of no-hopers, EL ‘84’s Presidential Candidate, RACHEL BARRERCLUFF is expected to maintain the dismal share of the poll retained by LEEDEM in previous years. Like TONY COMMIE, a member of the 700 strong COMMISSAR PARTY OF BRITAIN, she is a total nonentity. But Manchester members can meet both of them, when they hold their secret Commissar National Trade Union Aggregate on the 22nd June.

Back at the Windsor Castle (aka "the 5th floor") BLADES, BOIL, BRONX, HICCUP, and WILLIAMS, were drinking themselves silly as usual. In crawled TOMMERSON as thirsty as ever. On being informed that it was about time he put his short arm into his long pocket, PYOTR goes to the bar, orders the round, creeps to the toilet and disappears of f home, telling the barman "the man in the corner will pay". Needless to say, BOIL footed the bill.

New delegates are wondering why MICKEY DRUGGAN hasn’t changed his vomit-stained suit yet. Sad to relate, MUGGEM and his infant bride ANTHEA only packed for Friday night, relying on her sister to drop over and bring their big suitcase up on Saturday. Unfortunately, neither of them bothered to give her the keys to their flat. SIR WOY D’LEWIS has allowed MICK the run of his wardrobe. So while DUGGOUT scours the town for someone to lend him a clean pair of underpants, the knives are out in the BORED LEFT.

BATTLESCAR and his wing of the SOCIALIST CARCASE have broken with MENDICANT and are calling for a new Left Bloc, led by themselves. After two years of heroic resistance to the Merger, the hypocritical TROT is now its staunchest advocate. Overtures to EL ‘84 are believed to be in the offing.

The secret Diary of T’er’ry Adams aged 50 and er...

MONDAY
Lots of my friends came to my office for a chat today. They said it was a GPC, whatever that is, but it was nice that they all came to see me at once! My friend Jim, who is very tall, and looks a bit like Jason King, suggested lots of things and everyone agreed! they even asked if I would talk about them at our SEC. They must think I’m awfully good.

TUESDAY
The SEC started today. I didn’t used to like them, because the man in the big chair, called Mickey, used to spend all day trying to tell me to shut up! But he has gone to be a policeman. My new boss is a tall man called Dave, and he made jokes about Mickey’s helmet which I didn’t understand, but as everybody except Shaun laughed, so did I.

WEDNESDAY
I had to talk all morning. Things are very confusing, because there are three people called Dave and one called Gerry (I haven’t noticed him yet). There used to be four Dave's, but the big fat one isn’t here any more! He lives in Washington, which, as I understand it, is where Mr Bush is, but that’s neither here nor there.

THURSDAY
Today I had a very important meeting with a man in a suit. As he was a member of DSS management I told him in the strongest possible terms that the continuous disregard of the needs of the staff in DSS would only further the Class Struggle and lead to the inevitable rising up of the members of the Working Classes against the oppressive Capitalist system. The funny thing was that he wasn’t from the management at all, but a member of my SEC who had come in to tell me that I was useless and had lost my job! Er... I said.

FRIDAY
Today I had a meeting with the GPC. My Scottish "pal" - Dave - told a joke about a Nun, a greyhound and a carrot. Everybody laughed but, as I never bet on the dogs, I couldn’t understand why. Then my other friend Dave (it’s very confusing having two friends called Dave) told me to get out of the meeting as I had no right to be there! He’s a card, that Dave!

SATURDAY
Yesterday, a large man from a group called the African National Congress addressed our conference. I don’t know where Africa is, but my friend John says its not very near Balham, where I live. There were all sorts of arguments about the Poll Tax. I have to say that I didn’t listen, because I am not Polish, but I noticed that the funny Scottish man, Dave Kowalski, and that noisy Welsh man, Mark Serwotka, were very keen! My friend Doreen took me to a party last night. It was a strange party, because there were no cakes, and not even games. And they asked me to give them hundreds of pounds. Ridiculous! I have to give them 25% of my wages anyway -they must take me for a fool. But oh no, not me.

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Friday 10th May 1991

Dear Comrade Kaye

I understand that you have recently joined our DNS Durham branch. Here are a few tips which will help you to conduct yourself in a manner befitting a revolutionary cadre:

1) Avoid the use of all sexist terminology e.g. gentleman, lady, boy, man, woman etc. The proper form of address is "comrade", which also comes in handy for identifying planted speakers at public meetings ("the comrade in red" and so on). Dispose of any girly items in your wardrobe.

2) Please try to remember that any proceeds from the sale of newspapers should be returned to the party, and not appropriated for personal beer funds.

3) If stuck for words while preparing a speech, consult the "SWP Phrasebook (price 7/6d) which includes such indispensable favourites as "Smash the system", "Workers in Struggle", "Stop the Bigots","Y’Know", "Rank and File", "Absolute Nonsense" and thousands of others. Always remember that although the Tories are bastards, and Labour are complete and utter bastards, your worst abuse must be reserved for supporters of Militant Tendency.

4) Before making a speech on a matter of public interest, ring up the Central Committee to check that the party line has not changed since the last issue of Socialist Wanker as this can save a lot of unnecessary embarrassment.

5) When a strike collapses always make it perfectly clear that this is not the fault of the strikers who returned to work, but should instead be blamed entirely on the officials they elected to represent them. Make frequent references to "Sell Out" and "Class Betrayal". In the event of a successful strike, however minor, state confidently that the Tories are on the run and make comparisons with pre-Revolutionary Romania.

6) Get up at 6 a.m. every morning and have a look around for a picket line to join. Harangue the pickets as to why they should also join the Party. Carry a small first aid kit in case you encounter over-enthusiastic negative responses.

7) On a large Demo, the pole carrying your placard can come in useful for whacking police persons behind the knees or tripping their horses up. If counter-attacked, yell "Police Brutality" and, if well enough subsequently, send a letter to the Paper explaining how a hitherto peaceful demonstration was savagely broken up by uniformed thugs.

8) Good luck Comrade!

X The Committee (their mark)
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THE ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

WHO WE ARE
For the last 1400 years, Islam has guided millions of people. 1400 years of solid progress and achievement.

WE CAN HELP
In the Islamic Left, we know that your first conference can be a little daunting. So, in addition to the daily PFLCPSA communiqués, we have prepared some prayers to guide you through the business of conference. The prayers are not politically biased, just a genuine attempt to help believers. If it could be useful to you, please contact any Imam in the foyer/Bar.

BUSINESS FOR THE WEEK
Where your Branch has mandated you, you must follow this; other than when a Higher Authority calls on you to ‘carry out His Bidding.

TODAY’S MOTIONS:

Motion 89 - OPPOSE.
Atheistic nonsense. A measure for the workshy. God’s Law decrees that Friday should be the day for Prayer and Reflection.

Motion 114 - OPPOSE
This is the sort of Liberal, Godless proposal which has ruined this country. A woman’s place is in the home; looking after the children, cooking and washing up. That would solve the problem.

Motion 119 - OPPOSE
The progressive line is to fight for all-male offices to allow women all the time in the world to look after the children.

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DEAD KENNEDYS

Q. What is the difference between the Republican Guard and the Kennedys?
A. The Republican Guard never killed anyone.

(A suitable prize will be awarded at the end of the week for the most tasteless Kennedy Joke.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

PFLCPSA NEWS

Daily Debriefing in the Smugglers bar at close of Conference each day. Cadres will be fined for late or non-attendance.
T-SHIRTS & BADGES are available at our stand in the foyer bar. Large and voluntary donations are expected.

From Palestine to Falconcrest -
One Struggle, one Fight
Revolution until Victory!

Fret not thyself because of Evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity.

For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb.
Trust in the Lord, and do good: so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

PSALMS 37 i-iii New Revised McHugh

TUESDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

The dizzy round of MODR8 celebrations has been the one bright spot in an otherwise dismal Bournemouth day. With the expectation of a third successive clean sweep (NEC - 22 MODS & CHARLATANS to 2 BL & 2 EL ‘84 plus all 3 senior posts) what little intrigue there is revolves around ELLSI’s future. BIG JOHN still covets that juicy CCSU sinecure which gives him five more years of unearned income. The RAMSBLADDER camp, which is gathering sycophants by the day, is happily selling its soul in return for assurances of a smooth putsch. Naturally its promises will be entirely outside its ability to deliver.

And as BLADDER’s entourage grows, the whisper campaign against the BLUFF YORKSHIREMAN gets louder, with even his most servile full-time crawlers casting aspersions on his ability and judgement and claiming that they "were only following orders."

Away from these top table machinations, the Fire Brigade raided the SANDRINGHAM HOTEL in the middle of the night following an anonymous tip that they were sleeping five to a bed. Forced into the empty swimming pool to avoid the charge of overcrowding, the outraged Northerners, led by FATHER McHUGH, are planning dire retribution against their chief suspect, the present occupant of Room 57 at the HERMITAGE one BARON RAMSBLADDER.

GARY ALDERS, late of BORED LEFT has taken the first step in the direction of the MODR8 slate and perpetual re-election by signing up with EX LEFT 84. The Quisling has already received his first taste of the rewards of conformity. MARION has not only blessed him with the patronage of the much coveted Stewards post with its accompanying lucrative expenses, but she has also OK’d the additional cost of putting his 2 cats JOSHUA and VICTORIA in a luxury Cattery for the week.

NICKY CHAPMAN had the honour of being introduced to the long suffering spouse of R WIGLEY Esq. at the MOD beano. When CHAPPERS asked "have you seen him in action before?" MRS WINELAKE wittily replied that "once every ten years is enough".
PAT RIVERS, two of the NEWCASTLE WEIGHT, did her bit for the DSS HULL STRIKERS on Sunday night. Seen stalking to her lair with a young innocent named IAN, he hasn’t been seen since and the rest of the male strikers were last heard debating a return to work in case the same fate befell them.

Following the guilty verdict on WINNIE MANDELA for kidnapping, GEORGE LOBO has Red Starred his entire collection of Free Mandela badges to be here in time for this morning. (George has promised us five quid for printing this free plug).

LIVING MARXISM
by Felix Dzerzhinsky

BARON RAMSBLADDERS relations with the paparazzi are so good that apart from ourselves, only two other reporters have turned up. As usual, ROY JONES of the MOURNING STAR is here to claim his regular top-up from BLADDER’s Whisky supply. Often confused with the other old boy who tries to sell the rag, the old soak has brought his cheese with him this year and is also joined by former comrade CELIA WESTON who had the good sense to jump the sinking RED ship some years ago to advance her career in the SDP. Now employed by the GRAUNIAD she is here for the week on a penance for minor peccadilloes we are still investigating.

ROB LEECH, top EL ‘84 careerist, suffered another victory at the National Assembly AGM. Chairman LEECH had spent hours creating some poxy motion on Assembly re-organisation. His stooge duly presented the motion which was received with polite indifference. Repeated increasingly pathetic requests for a seconder ("what, not even formally!?")’ were met with stony silence. Organising a stooge Seconder seems not to have crossed the over-dressed Caledonian’s mind.

Conference is not the same without the cheery chubby face of KEVIN RODDY, who is unable to be with us this week due to prior commitment to his occupational psychology course with the O.U.

It is with deep regret that we announce the death of MR HAMILTON, much loved landlord of the local SEAWAYS HOTEL who passed away suddenly last month only 3 days after being declared bankrupt. Last year’s delegates will recall the patience, tolerance and special welcome he reserved for North Country folk. Sorely missed.

EVE’S DROPPINGS

We always have more placards than members
Tony Cliff

We were on a "listen and decide". I wasn’t listening so I couldn’t decide.
Malcolm Lawler

What can I get for three pounds fifty?
John Kenworthy
About 17,000 votes is the usual rate
Dave Allen

I feel drained, disappointed and degenerate. I wish I was drunk.
PeterThomason
I wish you were drunk.
Enid Dobson

I would dearly love to have somewhere to deposit my money at conference.
Tony Rouse
What’s wrong with the bar?
Dave Kowalski

How we laugh at your rapier like wit!
Reamsbottom (on Ion)

Membership of this Union shall not be open to Fascists Racists or CDMT.
Alan Gilhespie (founder CDMT)

I always get a migraine when I wake up by myself.
Nigel Barnes

REDS
by Hillaire Belloc

NCO Branch Treasurer ALAN WILSON, under the guidance of Brain donor CHAS CLUELESS, has produced an innovative answer to the knotty problem of balancing the books. His first draft of the Branch accounts contained the minor revelation that the two sides didn’t balance (and that the discrepancy involved a deficit of three thousand quid). It was pointed out by one of the less simian committee members that Accounts really ought to balance, more or less, tedious though that convention might seem. Though clearly shocked at this unforeseen requirement, they were nevertheless undaunted and with no hesitation, applied snopake to the offending total and duplicated the other figure. The fact that the column still added up to the now invisible embarrassment seems to have sailed clean over their Neanderthal skulls. When alert members at the AGM queried this oddity, red faced WILSON could only respond to the effect that it was all merely a "Cosmetic exercise"!

DSS Section Agency ITSA has long been led by BILL CRONY and his gorgeous pouting assistant MARIE. The master magician has been trying to negotiate a "no-strike" deal, which, he claimed, would protect all their jobs. Not only was this too much for ELLSI to stomach, it cut even less ice with management who are now closing down the computer centre with the loss of all jobs.

Congrats to ARTHUR KNOWALL on his 72nd birthday. Fellow Thespian ARTHUR is the oldest and most boring living civil servant in Britain today.

Farewell, this week to ALAN GILHESPIE, 70th Birthday and retirement; brewers dray and lifelong subscriber to Friars Balsam.

And we forgot to mention our warm wishes to DUGGIN yesterday. Now give us the ten quid you bastard.

CAROL POPPLEWELL nee Owen is looking remarkably fit and healthy at the top table this week despite being on the sick for the past 6 months.

And LCD are now so amazingly wealthy that they can afford to turn away customers from their shindigs. Which is presumably why LEEDEM and his Friend were denied access on Saturday night.

Dontcha just love that gorgeous hunk DAVE KOWALSKI? What a man, what a hunk! Don't you admire the way he wraps his tongue around the English language? his sexy body? his designer suits? He knows lots about computers. Wouldn’t you let him play with your floppy disk anytime! Doesn’t the slimy cretin get on your tit? Throwing away the members money, swearing constantly, thinking he’s God’s gift to women and pretending he’s still in contact with the grass roots? Why don’t you just piss off back north of Hadrians wall where you belong Big Nose.

KURDISH TOP 5

1 Climb Every Mountain Julie Andrews
2 Road to Nowhere Talking Heads
3 No Milk Today Hermans Hermits
4 Breakfast in America Supertramp
5 Food, Glorious Food Lionel Bart

THE ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

The following guidance is issued for the benefit of all believers.

Motion 171 - OPPOSE
Communistic nonsense. Women are naturally inferior to men.

Motion 178 - OPPOSE
Time-wasting rubbish. If Allah wanted to make women equal to men, he would have made them identical.

Motion 186 - ABSTAIN
Allah abhors lechers but if women were not employed, temptation would not exist in the workplace.

Motion 206 - OPPOSE
Homeworking allows the Mother to take proper care of the home and family and thus to perform the sacred task allotted to her.

DEAD KENNEDYS

A drunken Irishman collapsed on his bed after a skinful only to be awoken in the middle of the night by his fairy Godmother. "Lisa, my son, I ‘a your fairy Godmother and you have won 3 wishes." "Fuck Off you old hag" replied the ingrate, "I’ve already paid my rent this week." "No, seriously; you can have 3 wishes." "Alright then, I wanna be rich, famous and in charge of a big country" he condescended and dropped back to sleep. Re was shaken awake some hours later to find himself to find himself aboard Air Force 1 with a manservant telling hint "Good morning Mr President, we arrive in Dallas in 5 minutes"

PFLCPSA NEWS

Daily debriefing in the Smugglers bar at close of Conference each day. Cadres will be fined for late or non-attendance.
T-shirts & Badges are available at our stand in the foyer bar. Large and voluntary donations are essential.

From Palestine to Falconcrest - One Struggle, One Fight.
Revolution until Victory

A tale bearer revealeth secrets: but he that that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.
Proverbs 11 xiii
Authorized McHugh

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

The Wessex Hotel throbbed until dawn as MODR8s and their acolytes let their remaining hair down at the Victory Ball. Everyone was there. Senior PFL officers rubbed shoulders with top Modr8 Godfathers celebrating another 12 months of untrammelled authority. LESLIE CHRISTIE, KNEECAPS General Secretary, was the only glum face, being dragged now by an ELLIS flunkey to meet the new Executive. CHRISTIE was on his annual pilgrimage, courtesy of C H HILLS, who provide lashings of booze and food for the usual junket for the General Secretary and the chosen few to ensure the renewal of fraternal goodwill for the following year. CHRISTIE was touting, yet again, for the merger, begging ION to us his immense influence to ensure a decisive Yes vote. The TYKE is keenly aware that NUCPS support is vital if his bid for the CCSU Secretaryship is to succeed. But LES crept off to the EL ‘84 beano with nothing more than the usual promises. BARON RAMSBLADDER is confident that the mighty moderate machine will swing behind him, even if ELLSI decides to stand again - which he can do under the new rules.

DRUGGEN fractured his foot last Friday when he toppled backwards off his chair due to an overdose of brown lemonade. Last night he limped into the HERITAGE hotel, pissed as usual. As he booked for his table, a passing waiter trod on his bad foot. The cuddly hopping dwarf remonstrated vociferously but was informed by the Penguin, that he was in a four star hotel, now, and that shoes were required dress. He later lost a night’ s sleep wondering whether SERWOTKA should be hanged for a sheep or a lamb.

Meanwhile, back at the MODR8 wingding, the raffle was the usual con. LEECH and HANSON had bought hundreds of tickets to further ingratiate themselves with their paymasters. LUCKY JIM won the 1st prize - a Video Recorder. Remarkably, he had only bought his first ever TV just two hours before the raffle was drawn. LEECH’s share of the Blag was second prize - a wireless with built in facility for tape recording. DANNY WILLIAMSON was more than happy to receive news of the fourth prize which will be presented to him at a short ceremony at the top table today. The handcrafted CDMT "Wot No Trots" T-shirt (designer CHAS CLEWES) will doubtless be a welcome addition to his wardrobe.

Our good friend JOHN BUTCHER welcomed all his chums and we will all see him today. He is this years chairman of West Bournemouth Conservative Association and the town’s leading living hotelier, the ALBANY, is famed for its groaning table. But for those who are thirsty, he is offering a free drink to anyone who turns up at Conservative club to watch the match. Final word on the beano came from PETER HARRIS who let it be known that "at least it’s for a good cause".

SOCIALIST WANKERS have the knives out for MALIGNANT after they were caught RED handed replacing SWP posters in the Conference Centre with a careful blend of their own genuine article and a scurrilous send up which we reprint on the back page.

NIGEL BARNES did not wake up with a migraine yesterday. Nor, apparently, did new DTI Section Chair RICHARD WILLIAMS.

BRIAN DAMAGE has at last been stitched up a treat. For years his SEC has tried to oust the hopeless never-has-been in the only way they can. But he has consistently spurned offers of immediate promotion to EQ via the Dep Sec post in the MOD CCSU, preferring instead to offer his fraternal support at grass roots level to every lost cause in recent history. Materialism finally triumphed, however, when it dawned on DAMAGE that, in 12, months time, the CCSU secretary post would be available (at automatic HEQ level) and that he would have a far better chance of obtaining the sinecure if he were already ensconced in the office as Deputy. STUYVESANT, however, had other plans, though no one knows what they may be as he completely screwed up his attempt to sell the usual bipartisan support agreement with IPMS. WINELAKE, as usual, came to the rescue by persuading the SEC that his perverted view was the path to follow. The net result was that the SEC nominated a nonentity currently serving as clerk in the CCSU office and whose name they can’t even spell. DAMAGE is thus left to suffer the duel ignominy of gloriously missed opportunity and of SILVER PARASITE’s threatened Rod of Iron Stewardship (following yet another of STUYVESANT’s brilliantly masterminded one party election campaign).

Tightarse LESS MORGAN clearly believes he’s a member of the Royal Family (he never carries any cash). In quick succession he has attempted to use AMERICAN EXCESS to buy a bag of chips; to pay for drinks at a local Labour Club and, latterly, to pay CHRIS MAPLE when he landed on Park Lane with an hotel in a game of monopoly. If-the skinflint tries it on when we politely request this years subscriptions, the Peoples’ Bailiff RED O’REGAN has instructions to submit the wanker to a buoyancy test at the far end of the pier.

Congratulations to JON McVICAR on paying off his attachment of earnings order regarding the interest free loan he obtained from CPSA when he last took the union to court and (as usual) lost heavily. As a gesture of Class Solidarity he has asked the General Treasurer to arrange for the payments to continue but to be diverted into the fighting fund. The question on all lips is who are these particular funds to be used for fighting, given the proximity of the GS elections which triggered off the last bout of litigation.The NEC today agreed:

1) to review all the options
2) that the time is not yet right
3) to keep action on the back burner
4) Cuddly toy
5) Microwave Oven
6) Nice to see you
To see you...

CONFERENCE RHYMING SLANG - A DELEGATES GUIDE

New delegates and observers may be perplexed to overhear such conversational snippets as "Dave was screaming for a Harry and she promptly tried to make an April to stop us going for the Nanny, by which time, of course, the rest of the section was Frogged."
Here, therefore, is a brief guide to some essential code in daily use amongst seasoned hacks.

Card Vote - Nanny (goat)
Point of Order - Harry (Lauder)
Guillotine - Frog (machine)
Chairman’s Ruling - April (Fooling)
Reference Back - Man (inblack)
Emergency Motion - SunTan (Lotion)
Branch Mandate - Garden (fete)
NEC - G&T
General Secretary - Utter (bastard)
Silly Person - Grumble (and Grunt)

EVE’S DROPPINGS

You’re staying in the same hotel as me so watch whats in your dinner tonight MicheleHubble to Dennis White

You always say its going to be a short one and it always turns out to be a long one
Maid Marian

Its DNS Sexual Social Tonight
ditto

I’m still looking for an ideologically sound way of selling out
Dennis Scanlon

75% of our Women are Members
Gillhespie

Kowalski’s safe with me. My baby’s three years older than him.
Sylvia Lewis

Its better than sharing a room with Roy Lewis, At least this one doesn’t smell.
Bronkhorst

DEAD KENNEDYS

"Tell the driver to slow down, I want to have a look at the new Texas State Depository. Oh! And Jack, look at that lovely little grassy knoll over there."

Q. How could you tell Aristotle Onassis’s private plane?
A. Hair under the wings

Q. What's green and gets you pissed?
A. A giro. (OK so its buggerall to do with Kennedys. It's not even funny really but it fills this space.

THE ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

Reference Back on Motion 464 - SUPPORT
This motion is clearly the most important issue to be discussed at Conference this week and the cynical attempts of the communist dominated Standing Orders committee to bury this must be overturned. The will of Allah will triumph in the end.

Motion 414 - OPPOSE
Yet another time wasting Atheistic proposal. Move to the vote immediately.

Motion 841 - SUPPORT (and the Reference Back)
Motions like this are the path to true Justice and pious equality and it is the duty of all believers to fight for this policy regardless of Branch Mandate.

Motion 871 - SUPPORT
And campaign for members to choose the Islamic Left as the party of God and true representatives of the working classes.

From Palestine to Falconcrest - One Struggle, One Fight.
Revolution until Victory!

To every thing there is a Season, end a time to every purpose under the heaven
Ecclesiastes 3i - King James McHugh

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

COUNT KOWALSKI’s victory has caused much confusion North of the Border. Kowalski topped the pole, much to the delight of the Scotland’s Polish Community, many of whom owe their livelihoods to his direct intervention. However, three more Kowalskis are now apparently employed at IRVING ILO, so no—one knows which one won. It is clear, though, that they are all following in the footsteps of their illustrious ancestor. They all cross picket lines regularly and all have exceptionally protuberant probosci.

STEVE DUNK’s whereabouts remain unknown following his arrest yesterday morning. The infamous MENDICANT journalist and one time CPSA MALIGNANT Commissar had his collar felt after getting into a common brawl with a member of the public who happens to be the son of a CPSA member working in Bournemouth’s LCD office. The yokel was either a public-spirited citizen or an SWP agent retaliating for the attack on their posters which we featured yesterday. Whatever, DUNK caught him tearing down the Mils’ posters, suffered a sense of humour failure and beat the shit out of the hapless citizen. The police chased the poison dwarf into the Conference hail before clamping him in irons and carting him off to the local nick to assist them with their inquiries. JOHN McVICAR was promptly despatched to arrange bail, much to the delight of RAMSBLADDER who had tried for weeks to prevent the TROT coming here in the first place. The BARON’s claims were that DUNK would constantly meddle with the work of conference, writing all the MENDICANT speeches and running their propaganda campaign. But these were dismissed by the NUJ who insisted that DUNK be given Press credentials. "You can’t buy this sort of luck" was the WILY SCOT’s comment from the bar.

RICHARD McJOHANSSEN, the trainee Scot, backed a horse called Duggan and was unaccountably surprised when it let him down. On reflection JOHANSSEN argued that he would have had a better chance had the same jockey been riding at least two of the three horses.

And now lets welcome ANNE WRIGHT, aging belle of the Met Police HO, to the top table. She has certainly started the way she means to go on. Following a 30 second delay in the toast delivery, she delivered such a bollocking to the manager of the WINTER GARDENS hotel that one Filipino waiter is believed to be packing his bags. Solidarity, sister.

UNITY TRUST have provided their usual non-service to Conference delegates despite the vast profits which are enabling them to launch a reverse bid for the CO—OP Bank. By way of diversion from their ineptitude, their stall has been laden with tons of free pens. And their latest wheeze was a free draw for a magnum of champagne. The lucky winner, one DAVE SMITH was instructed to report to the stall at 4.00 p.m. to collect his reward which was supposed to be presented by ELLIS in a blaze of publicity and captured on film by PAT MANTLE. The Great Man was, however, tied up in a debate on a conference motion and kept the sucker waiting till ten past five. It didn’t occur to our leader to send a message or apology for the delay.

The NUCPS Merger lobbying grows and grows. LES CHRISTIE and GILL TROMANS have now left — after taking the opportunity to renew their former friendship whilst enjoying the protection of neutral territory. Their place has been quickly filled by our own ex VP dipsomaniac RAY ALDERSON, now nobody in KNEECAPS. The same can’t be said of FRANK (the plank) PEMBERTON who has already made an indelible mark on his new union with ongoing litigation which has already cost them in excess of a hundred grand. He too can be seen here this week. He’s the fat middle—aged one, with a moustache, asleep in the observer's gallery.

Meanwhile the struggle for pole position in the General Secretary stakes gets ever murkier. the McVIE no—hoper campaign is growing in EL ‘84 though many analysts are still arguing that VERONICA BAYNE has a better chance of attracting less votes. The RAMSBLADDER bandwagon steams on regardless of the fact all the other full timers hate his guts. The major advantage that he holds over them, , of course, is that at least he’s got some. ELLIES is now considering playing his wild card, which is to delay the General Secretary election until after PETER JONES (national CCSU Sec) retires. This is relatively simple given the myriad of appeals, challenges, injunctions etc which will inevitably follow the ballot. His problem remains that he would still have to deliver the Merger if he is to ensure that CHRISTIE keeps his part of the bargain they have now struck.

MALCOLM BOWES is clearly a man of the people. Outside his own department at any rate. This latest Northern edition to that great galaxy of stars on the MODR8 slate has been swept to power on a slate generated vote of 13,376 votes. Within his own section, however, where, presumably, he is actually known, he is somewhat less popular, achieving just 30 votes (and coming 9th out of 7) in the ballot for DNS Durham conference places. DOWSY BOWESY as he is affectionately known, has at least one other virtue. Last August, he struck his Branch Chair on the head when the latter was stupid enough to defy him. It is fervently hoped that he carries these negotiating skills into the FALCONCREST boardroom.

Rabid Right-winger DAVE ALLEN was turned down in his bid to purchase a copy of SOCIALIST WANKER yesterday morning. Apparently the REDS have a new policy of accepting money only from the ideologically sound, so unless they already know you, new subscribers will be asked to submit to a short multiple choice test before being allowed to read their tedious rag. The PFL have obtained a draft of this test and publish it on the next page.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DITTY MUGGAN

(Sing to the tune of the Eton Boating Song or
— for those few who did not go to Eton — "the sexual life of a camel")

The sexual life of Mick Duggan
Is stranger than anyone thinks
He cannot maintain an erection
Because of the volume he drinks
And now he’s a full time Occifer
In charge of our members in MAFF
He knows nowt of Food or Fishery
But the Sheep know he’s good for a Laff

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SWP POLITICAL PURITY TEST

Several non-socialists have been caught buying our newspaper in recent months and the party has decided to put a stop to this bourgeois dilettantism. In future, until subscribers are known, comrades are asked to vet potential marks by submitting them to this short test which can either be carried out verbally on the picket line or with pen and paper under invigilated conditions. Time allowed 10 minutes. Official party answers are available from the usual address.

1 TheOctober Revolution took place in
a) October1917
b) November1917
c) Bournemouth

2 Karl Marx was sponsored by a wealthy Mill-Owner called
a) Spencer
b) Engels
c) Tony Cliff

3 Together they produced a well-known blueprint for the Revolutionary Overthrow of:
a) The Right Wing NEC
b) Capitalism
c) Manchester United

4 Which was called
a) Last Exit to Brooklyn
b) Alice in Wonderland
c) The Communist Manifesto

5 Karl Marx Is buried in
a) Lenin’s Tomb
b) Highgate Cemetery
c) Poets Corner

6 And the slogan on his tomb tells us that philosophers describe the world but that the point is
a) to win the next election
b) to get pissed
c) to change it

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RIVERS REPLIES... (To the tune of "No Regrets")

No, no regrets
He has got no regrets
I’ve a heart that is full
So I took on a Striker from Hull
If it was wrong
That I dragged him along
By the end of the night
He’d got over his fright

Some may say I’m a tart
But a tart with a heart
Yes I stalked him its true
But what else could I do
Took him back to my lair
Ran my hands through his hair
Tell me what was my crime
I gave him a good time

Lads, Don’t go back!
I won't make an attack
If you can’t take the pace
I’ll retire with good grace
Soon I’ll be gone
At the end of my song
Don’t you fall for that jive
I’ll make sure you survive

THE ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

Motion 460 — SUPPORT
Allah created the world for Man but man must not destroy it.

Motion 480 - OPPOSE
True believers recognise that only one party serves the will of Allah. Hizbollah.

Motion 741 - OPPOSE
Ridiculous proposal. All living things were created for the benefit of Man including to feed and to clothe him. It is their proper role to fulfil these earthly needs.

Motion 621 - QUALIFIED SUPPORT
While Butlins does begin with a "B", it fails to meet our other requirements. Speakers should lay stress on the phrase "a similar venue" which forms part of the motion. Beirut, Baghdad and Bradford are all equally realistic alternatives.

Motion 625 — OPPOSE
Yet another communistic motion from the Godless. The proper path is to hold separate conferences for men and women.

EVE’S DROPPINGS

I’ll be interested to hear what I have to say Ramsbladder
Speak up, I can’t hear you over your tie! Delegate to McCann
Go to the Bar Gilhespie
You go to the bar, you’re on 40 notes a night Thomason
Fuck off! You’re on 40 notes every 5 minutes! Gilhespie
Get rid of the stick Andrew, you’re supposed to be young Marion to Miller
If we talk about the Titanic, we’re sunk Gilhespie
They do say don’t touch it, they don’t like you to hold it. Marion again

From Palestine to Falconcrest - One Struggle, One Fight.
Revolution until Victory

Youths oppress my people, women rule over them. 0 my people, your guides lead you astray; they turn you from the path.
Isaiah 3xii - New Jerusalem McHugh

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Amongst full timers there was profound gloom and despondency following ELLSI’s late realisation during the merger debate that KNEECAPS is a Bosses Union and that the NEC should have the right to campaign for a No vote. Clearly CHRISTIE could have saved himself the train fare and booze money. More depressing, however, to the hacks, was the realisation that all deals must now be considered off, including his career move to the CCSU which must be, at best, somewhat delayed. Plan B, submitting himself for re-election, is now a strong possibility. Their own prospects for progress up the slippery pole are thus similarly retarded. Worst of all, their imminent salary increases are about to disappear into the realms of fantasy for the rest of this century at least.

The MODR8S sweeping victory will, of course, have come as no surprise to readers of this column. The inquests are now well under way. BORED LEFT supporters have been consoling themselves with the minute increase in the their vote despite the fact that it did not increase their representation. MALIGNANT leaders are also wrestling with the problem of how to continue in a Broad left which will soon consist only of themselves. EL ‘84 remained tight- lipped on the observation that the only members of their cabal to be elected were those on the puppet CHARLATAN list. Drowning men, straws etc. come to mind.

But the political high spot of the week must be the formation of yet another RED faction, NEW LEFT ‘91, comprised chiefly of old left has beens such as MAREK SERWOTKA, ROD BACON and IAN WHO? About 150 turned up on Wednesday night to fill in the time between the close of conference and the start of the match. These included the usual MENDICANT spoilers sent in to declare that they had no intention of yielding control of BORED LEFT and challenging other groups to organise to take over. Disgraced former EL ‘84 frontman LEEDEM declared his intention to remain a loser by admitting that he is not interested in votes. Other speakers declared in a flare of fraternalism that there was no—one at the meeting who would be unwelcome in the new group. Until that is Red—Baiter, DAVE ALLEN, revealed his presence at the back of the throng and was immediately flung out.

More about the CATHOLIC nonentities newly arrived on the NEC. PAULINE CRYER turns out to be a JP who only last month spent a week punishing non—Poll Tax payers and decent motorists. NEIL PHILIPS comes from a DE sub—branch (Grampian) with 24 members who voted 22:2 in favour of SANDIE LOCKE. The diminutive Adrian Mole look—alike has clocked up a total of 1 year as Branch Treasurer and 2 months as Branch chair by way of relevant experience to prepare him for his contribution to the NEC. Clearly remorseful after yesterday’s expose, ANNE BRYAN has been seen organising the whip round for the long-suffering waiters at the WINTER GARDENS hotel.

Punters will have been impressed by the magnificently presented SOCIAL CARCASE leaflets which have graced the pavements and conference bins this week. You may have missed their launch of yet another anti—merger campaign, the significance of which arises from its base in LCD and presumably reflects grass roots experience of working with managers as Union colleagues. What have MORGAN and ASTBURY done to upset them?

Speaking of LESS MORGAN. The impecunious Welshman has dined out at expensive restaurants all week at the expense of EILEEN TURNER and the occasional assistance of his Amex card. Last night, the wife and kids came down and, as a special treat, he took them to a take—away chip shop.

Leopards can change spots it seems. MICHAEL DUGGAN newly appointed MAFF Section Suit, has been sulking most of the week with his war wound. Quietly minding his own business at the bar, he was accosted by a soused Scot who demanded to know what was wrong with his foot. MUGGER patiently explained that he had broken a bone in it; to which the witless Caledonian, IAN NESBITT (Glasgow North DE) replied "you haven’t broken enough" and smacked him in the face. Though not quite going so far as to turn the other cheek, the miniature bruiser broke with years of tradition by not retaliating and instead merely submitted a formal complaint to MAID MARION.

Student Scot, DICK JOHANSEN, leapt from his bed for his customary morning piss in the sink yesterday, unaware that his room—mate had offered accommodation to one of DSS Harlow’s multitude of females. Bringing a new meaning to the term "Observer", the young lady screamed at the revolting sight of his spotty bum and McJOHANSSEN missed the sink. Incidentally, other occupants of the flat include RICHARD ASKEW and COUNCILLOR WILLIAM SAMUELS which, by our calculation, adds up to two dicks and a willy.

DEAD KENNEDYS

If you let me hump you, I’ll get Uncle Teddy to drive you home.
(Winner. DOREEN PURVES — 1st of the 47 who gave us this entry)

KEVIN MC WHO - A JOKE

Kevin Dies. Reet? Arrives at Pearly Gates and St Paul says "Sony Mun but you havna scored inaff pints; its doon stairs for ye." So, reluctantly he follows his instructions and ends up in the other place. After a couple of days he realises it’s not for him and asks to see the Devil. "Listen here mate," he says, "I don’t much like it down heah, y’naa. I havna bin a bad blerk. Isn’t there summat I kin dae to get oot of heah?" So the devil replies "Well there is one way. What you have to do is find the worst looking woman you can, and make love to her. So off he goes and finds (insert name of your choice), does the biz, and toddles off back to the devil to claim his release. "Ok," says Lucifer, "you're out. Just head through that door over there." And off he goes. However, when he gets there, there are two doors not one and he doesn’t know which one to take, so, naturally, he chooses the left hand one and walks through it only to find Dave Kowalski making love to a beautiful young thing. Somewhat miffed, he goes back to the Devil and storms "How come I hev ta make love to the ugliest cheese I could find and Kowalski gets this fantastic bird like?" The devil looks at Kevin and says, "Kevin, don’t forget, there’s some women who want to get out of here as well."

EVES DROPPINGS

I’ve got my standards. They may be pretty low, but I’ve still got them!
Gary Alders

Is that supposed to be Veronica Bayne or Doreen Purves? (Yorkshire Soviet cover)
Jacobs
Veronica Bayne. Doreen Purvis has curly hair and wouldn’t fit on the page!
Bronk

We followed that procedure so that Democracy can be Democked
Ellis

What do I have to do to get my name into the PFL?
Myrtyn Jynkyns

They have cut us off at the stocking tops
Gilhespie

SIT DOWN! That was not a genuine pint of lager!
Leech (from Chair at Assembly Conference)

THINGS THEY NEVER SAID

Excuse me sir, would you please refrain from removing our posters
Steve Dunk

Don’t worry Steve, your press credentials are safe as long as I’m in charge
El Presidente

Me ‘n Larry ‘ave joined the noise abatement society
Susan‘Arrison

Personally, I hope John stays
Ramsbladder

Thank God they’ve finally spelt my name right
Amanda Finglestein

THE ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

Motion 917 — SUPPORT
Providing election is by Acclaim. See below.

Motion 934 — OPPOSE
We should reject all forms of balloting; a system devised for the control of the maximum number of votes by the minimum number of people. Argue for popular will of the masses.

Motion 773 — SUPPORT
Robert Maxwell Supports Israel.

Motion 811 - QUALIFIED SUPPORT
Campaign title should be changed to 1352.

Motion 817 — OPPOSE
If carried, this argument could be used to cover anything.

Motions 818, 822 — SUPPORT
Regardless of Branch Mandate

And so...

Its bibi conference. Another year come and gone. Further steps taken on the road to victory and paradise. So long, KEVIN COMBS, ARTHUR KNOWALL and PAUL FLEWERS (not here as usual).

Eternal thanks to COLONEL ISLAM, Agents APOLLO, BRONK, CAXTON, MERCURY, SIR WOY and Editor BARRY REAMSBOTTOM. Many thanks too, to our scores of deep cover agents who, for obvious reasons, we cannot name, but whose task it has been to provide the information on which these communiqués are based. Thanks to you all for reading this far.

Please remember to return completed Subs. forms if you wish to receive the inter—conference editions. Eagle T—Shirts Now available (limited edition only). Others available by order. Still a few badges left. We need your dosh to survive so cough up if you haven’t already.

See you in Brighton next year.
xxxxx

If anyone is to go into captivity, into captivity he will go
If anyone is to be killed with the sword, with the sword he will be killed
Revelations 13.x
New Gideon McHugh