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CONFERENCE 1993

 

MONDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Bournemouth was unusually sombre this weekend as all factions plotted their next moves in the light of ALAN ENGLANDS challenge to the presidential elections, which incidentally has prevented the release of all the other national election results, not to mention the Rule 15 votes which are taken at Conference. The Moderati, who had stacked up the bubbly in anticipation of yet another comfortable victory are now facing the awesome task of yet another contest in a four horse race. And ENGLAND is certain to draw some votes away from MARION - which could just tip the balance in favour of her hated rival, Mrs. JARVIS.

Moderati campaign managers believe that they had seen off the challenge of UNITY, the new RED bloc, while at the same time buying the usual number of EX-LEFT crawlers, such as Sir ROY d’LEWIS, to ensure their continued dominance.

But despite all the woes, the full-timers and their hangers-on did their best to keep the publicans of this fair resort happy. On Saturday night, a group of thirsty Scots, led by Deputy General Secretary, MARTIN BOYLE descended on the LAGUNA HOTEL - a ghastly dump in the middle of nowhere. The Scots descended on the COCKTAIL BAR - driving the respectable clientele out with their scintillating conversation, which was followed by a rendition of obscene rugby songs. BOYLE staggered back to his hotel, the HIGHCLIFFE, but had to be carried up the stairs by two hefty porters and tipped onto his bed. He then rediscovered his thirst and proceeded to empty the mini-bar of a further £40.00 worth of strong spirit.

Talking of which, Standing Orders felt a bit peckish on Saturday and ordered 6 coffees, some sandwiches and a vegetarian omelette for ENID from the hotel where they are all entrenched. Two lackeys from HIGHCLIFFE duly arrived at the BIC with the said coffees, some minute sandwiches and a microscopic omelette - all for a generous £37.50.

No, you haven’t seen a ghost, the reptilian features of PETER THOMASON have been seen around town. The retired playboy full-time official has been acting as Mrs JARVIS’s election agent over the past few weeks much to the dismay of his former chums now in the DEMOCRATIC LEFTOVERS, a RAMSBLADDER front. This enraged the Moderati who booted him off the CIVIL SERVICE PENSIONERS ALLIANCE in revenge. In any case PETER’S experience of elections is somewhat limited - when he ran against BARRY in 1992 he obtained a pitiful vote, coming a poor third of three.

NOOKS and CRANNIES
by Barabbas

Its seems we’ll never see the back of him. Fellow thespian Coun. ARTHUR NEWELL returns again to collect his GOLD BADGE - he is one of few TORY councillors to save their seats in last week’s slaughter. If you see a silver haired pensioner with a very loud voice congratulate him on his win and tap him for a drink. If this doesn’t work, just go up to ALBERT ASTBURY and say you voted for him - it never fails.

ALBERT’S new found militancy unfortunately has not extended to his branch. During last November’s one day strike only one person was absent - Albert himself - and he was in fact attending the DTUS office in London at the time.

Sir ROY, who expects to receive his NEC seat as a suitable reward for a lifetime of treachery, was more sober as he appears to have mislaid his chequebook. By the way, you may wonder why the old boy is looking more dapper these days. MARION has given him a number of suits -only slightly worn - and his OXFAM collection has been relegated to the cupboard, at least for the time being.

Every cloud has a silver lining - or so says LIZ EDGE exiled to Yorkshire for her sterling service to the Union she has dedicated her life to. In order to bump up her relocation expenses she has installed every type of burglar alarm she could lay her hands on for her new home in YORK - which she claims is the crime capital of the North. LIZ, age 53, comes from BALHAM.

ROBIN UNWORTHY has at last got here. He came down with his branch chair, GARY EASTON who was driving his brand new Fiat. They broke down outside Southampton and had to be towed to Bournemouth where they spent the next four and half-hours trying to find a Fiat garage. Six are listed in the local Yellow Pages. They were towed around five by the obliging AA man. The first was now a Mazda dealership, the second was shut, the third had now switched to Toyota, the fourth was shut and the fifth had ceased trading. The final one, which did have the spares, turned out to be 200 yards from the hotel they are staying at.

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THINGS THEY NEVER SAID

Just snopake it out, nobody will be any the wiser
Marion Chambers

I’m truly sorry, Barry. I withdraw my remarks in their entirety. I realise they were crass and insensitive, without basis in fact and in no way reasonable comment. I apologise for any distress I may have caused you - or your family - and I undertake never to utter similar comments ever again.
Chris Baugh

Why don’t you stay all week dear? I cannot bear the empty evenings when you’re not around.
Michael Duggan

Red Tape is really interesting
Frank Campbell

Red Tape is really boring
Any one else

The Money’s on the table. Keep the change. I’m off to have a bath
Roy Lewis


The Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

We welcome delegates and observers - new and old - to Bournemouth 1994. This guidance is issued under the will of God to steer you through the minefield that is CPSA Conference. Delegates are reminded that you must always carry out the mandate given you by your branch -unless a Higher Authority advises otherwise. We will inform you on a daily basis when such advice applies.

The main issue of the week is, of course, the rerun of the Presidential elections caused by the heroic actions of Alan England in trying to end the ungodly dominance of Women who have run our Union for far too long. Other reasons for supporting his candidacy include the cost savings achieved by having him as representative for all the equivalent posts in NUCPS. Presumably the two Unions can reach agreement on sharing one set of expenses.

Motion 110 - Support
Amongst other things, PRP makes no allowance for the time required to meet one’s Quoramic obligations.

Motion 126 -Oppose
The motion totally fails to address the central issue of differential pay between the sexes.
Clearly, as breadwinners, Men are intended by the Almighty to receive higher wages.

Motion EM 16- Oppose
This regressive policy only encourages more Women to abandon their Domestic Duties

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EVE’S DROPPINGS

Don’t think I’m going to support you on this (if they take you to Court) - I don’t back losers -
Terry Adams to Chris Baugh

It's not for me to teach an old dog to suck eggs
Reamsbottom to Adams

When Barry was going on about the number of women he’d appointed, I thought ‘Oh no - he’s going to make me wear the false tits again’!
Mick McCann

I have to admit you do a wonderful job in the bathroom
Tony Rouse to Rob Leitch

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Daily Debriefing in the Smugglers Bar at Lunchtime and Close of Conference each day. Cadres will be fined for late or non-attendance.
T-shirts and a few (rare and prized) Badges are available from Senior officers in the Bar.
Large and voluntary donations are required. New delegates are restricted to one night’s Subsistence.


From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Rwanda to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

Do not gloat over me. my enemy Though I have fallen I will rise. Though I sit in darkness. The Lord be my light. M1h 6, vii - New England Bible


TUESDAY

ROUND & ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

The baleful shadow of ALAN ENGLAND hovers over Bournemouth - putting a damper on the festivities planned to celebrate yet another year of Moderati control. And though the jollities will continue as planned an air of uncertainty hangs over the HIGHCLIFFE. No one knows the election results, no one knows how many votes ENGLAND will get or even whether the re-run will be the end of the saga. And we are left with the bizarre spectacle of the Moderati upholding the principle of no recourse to the TORY COURTS (a sharp contrast to the 70s) while the assorted REDS defend the worthy challenger’s right to use them, in their conference rags.

Meanwhile these earth-Shattering events have not been entirely ignored by the world’s press whose sole in the PRESS ROOM on Monday consisted of the PFLCPSA, RED TAPE, the NEW WORKER and nil the usual thirsty full-timers. MILITANT’S ace reporter was eventually admitted into the BIC, but only after his NUJ card had been checked. And even then he was segregated from the rest, being confined to a cupboard at the back of the Hall. The Press Association promised to send some-one but he didn’t turn up and the BOURNEMOUTH ARGUS said they were too busy and suggested that AMANDA send them a press release. ROY JONES the drunken bum who writes for the MORNING STAR is threatening to show his face and punish BARRY’S whisky and Sir WOY is covering the event for the BIG ISSUE.

Everything changes and nothing changes. JOHN ELLIS was spied in the observer's gallery in the morning. Most people had already forgotten who he was, and he didn’t buy any drinks for those who did remember him. Don’t bother to hunt him out today - he’s off to NUCPS for the duration And PETER THOMASON was a false alarm - much to the dismay of all the bars and drinking clubs in Dorset - RAMSBLADDER has made it clear that he will not be welcome at the BIC this year.

TONY ROUSE bought a round for some delegates he had never seen before - a fact witnessed by several delegates who were injured in the rush.

Was anyone in the hall yesterday afternoon? JULIE BREMNER, Maff SOCIALIST WANKERS PARTY, delivered her impassioned support for the censure contained in Motion 156 during the debate on motion 175 - an inocuous motion on ADP allowances and starting pay on promotion - which the moving branch had to remit with the full support of Conference. She still got a round of applause for her mistimed and irrelevant attack on the NEC. No one cared.

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NOOKS & CRANNIES
by Barabbas

Mrs. JARVIS is holding court at the HERMITAGE, which she block booked eleven months ago for the sole purpose of depriving the Moderati of their usual watering hole. Unfortunately she has had to struggle to fill it - and she really would have been in trouble if THOMASON hadn’t stumped up the three grand deposit in the first place.
The DEMOCRATIC LEFTOVERS, a bolthole for the likes of LEWIS and LEECH while their application to join the Moderati is being considered, produced their first Conference bulletin on Monday. But it was touch and go. The original was hurriedly withdrawn after Welsh followers objected to offensive remarks to their Celtic nation. Their tatty leaflets eventually came out five hours late - which didn’t matter as no-one reads them.

And the BIC is pulling out all stops for Conference this year. Praise is being heaped on their catering facilities; the sumptuous sandwiches only a few days old; the speedy service at the bars; and the reasonable prices of all the beverages. Their latest wheeze has been to demand a £700 weekly charge for stands at Conference - which gives us another empty room and spares us the sight of those whingers from GCHQ who have bored us for the past 11 years. SOCIALIST WANKERS, who dared to defy BIC management, were unceremoniously shut down. Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked a hundred per cent: GEORGE LOBO has been made the exception and he will man the ANTI-APARTHEID stall regardless of the fact that apartheid ended two weeks ago. He’s got plenty of redundant stock going cheap - MIKE HEMINGWAY please note. (Next year they’ll be on sale as antiques)

Talking about suits, DONNY McINTYRE, one of BARRY’s thugs, was seen strutting around in his BENEFIT AGENCY corporate wear - company tie, blue blazer and black trousers -as he was under the impression that it was black tie for dinner at the HIGHCLIFF.

GARY GRAHAM, one of our razor sharp research officers, excelled himself last night. He apparently didn’t know what BIC stood for, and thought it had something to do with a pen.

ALBERT ASTBURY, who is still of some use to MENDICANT, is still trying to buy friends. And he needs them. His own LCD Section Conference was a disaster. He spent most of the day pretending to be a TROT, slagging off EL ‘84 , under the impression that this would do him some good. Unfortunately for him, EL 84 swept the board in the section elections. And the post conference SEC punished him for his rashness by kicking him off his last remaining sinecure, DTUS Chair. Albert now loses all his facility time and will have to go back to work - something he last did 25 years ago. Even worse, he will now have to sell his mansion in Winchester and seek more humble accommodation in the absence of the juicy expenses he has grown accustomed to over the centuries.

Senior officers of the PFLCPSA, including the entire Revolutionary Command Council, have been distinguishing themselves as usual, bumming drinks, fags and food from anyone they can lay their hands on - including hapless visitors who were just going to the swimming pool. The pitiful attempt at cheating at the annual Quiz Night at the Quarterdeck failed. BRONCO and LEWIS came a miserable fifth.

Cognoscenti will have recognised the music played prior to the opening of Conference as the Intermezzo from the Opera ‘Cavaliera Rusticana', which has previously been used in the films ‘Godfather III’ and the fight scenes in Raging Bull’. Wise choice Barry.

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CONFERENCE RHYMING SLANG

Every few years we publish an update to guide new delegates in their understanding of some of the more arcane jargon they will bear at Conference. This will enable you to decipher such gems as "Mark raised an ‘arry just before the Weasel which took so long the sweet chopped the whole section".

Harry (Lauder) - Point of Order
Waterloo (Station) - Nomination
Piece (of cake) - Snopake
Glass (of Port) - High Court
Weasel (& Stoat) - Card Vote
Indian (Chief) - Brief
Sweet (sixteen) - Guillotine
Mother’s (Milk) - Silk
Natural (selection) - Election
Love (& Devotion) - Composite Motion
Immortal (bard) - Union card
Pissed (old fart) - Rouse

**************************************************************************

EVE’S DROPPINGS

Why is everyone leaving? MILLS
Because the meeting’s over. HANSON
Oh, thank you. MILLS

I’m staying in Bournemouth till the election results are announced. BATTLEMUCH
Hooray! ALL

I celebrated my 40th birthday by having a hernia operation. HEYWOOD

As soon as I open my eyes I grab hold of it. HEYWOOD

The squirrels are quite tame, they almost eat out of your hand. OLD CODGER
Really? What do you eat with them? BRONCO

***********************************************************************

Anagram Recon

(£5 prize from 1st five lucky winners, please)

May Barer Tombs Rot
Crab in more shame
A hug ANC maligned
UR to nosey
Two Kar Makers
Henry Pilchard Fan

*********************************************************************

THINGS THEY NEVER SAID

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper.
Eddie Phillips

This is page three, so where’s the tits?
Marion

*********************************************************************

ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

Motion 257 - Oppose
Any development, which maintains the natural order of things, should attract your full support.
Motion 259 - Oppose
A recipe for Nepotism amongst the Godless.
Motion 277 - Support
Increased discipline can only be a progressive development.
Motion 282 - Oppose
Society is sick enough already.
MotIon 284 - Oppose
So is Conference. Rank hypocrisy.
Motion 286 - Oppose
Children are best looked after in the home - by their mother.
Motion 305 - Oppose
Gross waste of members and taxpayers money.
Motion 313 - Oppose
We are entirely satisfied.
Motion 316 - Ossope
Motion 365 - Support
Its menial work. Someone's got to do it -it might as well be Women
Motion 401 - Abstain
Of no relevance to the faithful. Now would be a good time to do a little shopping and sightseeing.

*****************************************************************************

Question: Is there a Scottish CROTUM?

*****************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS

Daily Debriefing in the Smugglers Bar at Lunchtime and Close of Conference each day. Cadres will be fined for late or non-attendance.
T-shirts and a few (rare and prized) Badges are available from Senior officers in the Bar.
Large and voluntary donations are required. New delegates are restricted to one night’s Subsistence.

From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Rwanda to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

Woe to him who gives drink to his neighbours, pouring it from the wineskin till they are drunk, so that he can gaze on their naked bodies.
Habakkuk 2:15 Revised England


WEDNESDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

The ENGLAND saga runs and runs. The Moderati have gone for the count - not because of the pressure from the Assorted TROTS - but simply because they believe that the results have once again gone in their favour AND they need to know how many votes ENGLAND has bagged in the NEC race. A simple calculation, take his vote away from MARION’s and then compare her net vote to JARVIS’s, will tell them what they can expect at the re-run. Nor can they tell DEMOCRATIC LEFT candidate - a nobody called JOHN MOFFAT to simply stand down: this is a re-run, not a fresh election and so all the existing names must stand.

And back in the UNITY camp the uneasy alliance between BL 84 and MENDICANT is holding under the belief that they have captured 9 seats on the new executive up from last year’s 3.

ROY JONES, the industrial correspondent of the MORNING STAR, has at last arrived. The RED newspaper is in fact the only daily covering Conference, even though the paper is not obtainable in Bournemouth. ROY, who is retiring this year, was far to tired to write out his turgid copy and tried to persuade AMANDA to get her staff to tap it in for him on their computers on the grounds that he had "left his lap-top behind in Brighton". Sad to say, they were too busy to help him, and resisted his offer to type it himself JONES, who has difficulty in coping with a portable typewriter, claims he normally uses an Apple-Mac.

PAUL SMITH went on a sponsored slim earlier in the year to raise money for the starving people of Africa. Unfortunately for them he put on two pounds. And delegates have been amazed at the appearance of MIKE HEMINGWAY these days. He’s lost ten stone and bought a new set of clothes. The reason is that MIKE got married in March and has been put a strict diet. By all means tap him for fags and booze but beware - his sole topic of conversation is his LADA.

Talking of bores, no one has missed DOZY BOWESIE, ace MOD wit and raconteur. He broke his leg standing on a football and is in convalescence. And PETER HARRIS was so impressed with his accommodation at the CONNAUGHT that he has gone and booked it for next year. Conference 1995 will be held in Blackpool.

*******************************************************************************

NOOKS & CRANNIES
by Barabbas

BARRY WOODBRAIN, a member of Mrs.JARVIS’s think-tank got so drunk at the ES social that he fell asleep on the bog-pan before he could remove his trousers with predictable results. GILHOOLY eventually had to lever him off and carry him out.

And so it goes on. Though the Moderati Victory celebrations were postponed the Hunt Ball was packed as usual. JOHN BUTCHER, onetime DE Moderati gourmet and local hotelier, was the DJ under his pathetic stage name of JOHNNY CANNON. Immediately following RAMSBLADDER’s ranting Rally the Troops speech, he said in front of the mike "I’ve heard some whinging Scotsmen in my time, but you take the biscuit". Hordes of DEMOCRATIC LEFTOVERS crawled in to grovel to BARRY and MARION after making a token appearance at their own bash at the LAGUNA. The DEAD LEFT do was predictably staid and TONY ROUSE, who had gone out of curiosity, won a bottle of whisky in the raffle.

BARRY was in his cups back at the HIGHCLIFF, confident of eventual victory over ENGLAND and BAUGH, after his restrained and conciliatory response to their lies in the Tuesday edition of TROUNCE THE TROTS. But he was less than happy at being introduced to PATTINSON & BREWER’s top solicitors by RIKKI WIGLEY. The GREAT SCOT thought that he was meeting their top libel men. He was not amused to discover that the lease on the Manchester HQ (prop. JAYSON DROSS) had been signed by KUTIEPIE and MILLS without his knowledge. SPENCE is widely tipped for voluntary downgrading.

Did you know that RAMSBLADDER has got loads of sisters - which he hasn’t spoken to for over twenty years. Two of them, who happened to be in London, spotted his name in a newspaper and saw that he had now become a famous trade union leader. They hotfooted down to FALCONCREST to meet their long lost brother only to discover that at half past five he had gone home. Needless to say, they still have no idea where he lives.

Strange goings-on have been reported at the Moderati centre at the HIGHCLIFF. The fag machine ran out on Monday and the johnny machine was empty by Tuesday evening.

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EVE’S DROPPINGS

"That’s all I get for 20 quid is it? One mention? Barry’s name is all over it"
Donny McIntyre (that’ll be another tenner please Donny)

"The bastards charged me £2.15 for two coffees and a custard tart" Islam (on BIC prices)
"What! That’s almost as much as a pint" Bronco

"Bugger Conference, the Stewards are going for a tea-break" Peter Harris

"(John Major’s) Going down faster than Michael Jackson in a Crèche"
Steve Cribben (DNS Social)

"Caligula appointed a horse. Reamsbottom appointed a Pig" Steve Caldwell to M. Boyle

"If he (Rouse) scatters his seed in my direction I’ll shove it in his fucking face" Jan Godrich

"I’m something of a bullshitter myself but occasionally I enjoy listening to an expert. Please carry on" (Anon message passed to Barry during conference)

_____________________________________________________________________________


BUSINESS NEWS
CPSA AGM blocked by Injunction Chairman vows to fight hostile bid


CPSA Chairman, Mrs. Chambers has pledged to resist the take-over bid led by Mr Alan England and a consortium of Harrogate businessmen. In a statement given to the press by public relations director, Ms. Amanda Frankenstein, Mrs Chambers described the England bid as ‘ridiculous and underfunded’. But solicitors acting on behalf of Mr. England have reached an out of court settlement which will now permit him to stand for the Board and the Chair of CPSA plc.

Mr. England, a successful local businessman, has been trying to buy into CPSA since November last year. He already has a small stake in The NUCPS Corporation and he is believed to already control 520 votes.
Managing Director, Barry Reamsbottom, in a two page statement said that Mr. England was "unworthy of serious consideration" and suggested that the Yorkshire businessman was acting as a Trojan Horse on behalf of the long standing group of disaffected shareholders led by Mr. Christopher Baugh.

Mr. Baugh rejected allegations of collusion, and said that Mr. Reamsbottom’s comments were misleading and mendacious. But he said that Mr. England had every right to challenge the current Board, who were trying to pull the wool over shareholder’s eyes with inflated claims and misleading figures.

Mr. Baugh said that though he had nothing personally against Mr. Reamsbottom he simply was not up to the job and should resign at once.

Mr. Reamsbottom, who has the confidence of the Board, told the press that Mr. Baugh represented just a small minority of shareholders. In a prepared statement he added that " The last two years have been a period of spectacular growth for CPSA plc. Market penetration has increased by 17 per cent, bringing in 10,000 new clients over the past 18 months. This, mark you, in the prevailing climate of recession and retrenchment. Clearly, present Shareholders have no reason to switch their allegiance and we anticipate an overwhelming vote of confidence and a further year of consolidation and progress with the current management team.

___________________________________________________________________________


TEN MORE THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT ALAN ENGLAND

1. He eats babies
2. He was a guard in the Waffen SS
3. He likes Max Bygraves
4. He kicks cats
5. He reads the Sun
6. He likes Childs Play 3
7. He can quote chapter and verse of Mein Kampf
8. He drives a Skoda
9. He is a founder member of the KKK
10. He takes part in Satanic Rituals
11. He’s Bonkers.


TEN THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT St. BARRY

1. He gives all his wages to charity including the PFLCPSA
2. He helps old ladies cross the road
3. He is a personal friend of Mother Theresa
4. He runs a bird sanctuary
5. Runs a soup kitchen in Clapham every Thursday
6. Nightline for Samaritans every Monday
7. He changes water into wine
8. He walks on water
9. He makes cripples walk
10. He forgives his enemies.

Copyright Ramsbladder Productions 1994

________________________________________________________________________________


ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

The following guidance should help believers in understanding the myriad groups in the CPSA. It goes without saying that our own group is the only truly tolerant political organisation in the Union:

Unity
an irreligious schizophrenic combination of :
BL84 - Godless sect led by a woman. Have nothing to do with them. And
Militant - Lunatic bunch of atheists

Socialist Caucus
Blasphemers led by an imbecile

Democratic Left
Idolatrous careerists led by silly old man with delusions of grandeur.

Moderates
Lunatic bunch of Christians - also led by a Woman

Independent Moderate Group (IMG)
Tiny sect led by bigot.

****************************************************************

Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

Today's Motions:

Motion 606: Oppose
What crass nonsense. Management should kick them off the premises.
Motion 1294: Oppose
Far too much of existing subscriptions already go on strong spirit and womanising.
Motion 1297: Listen and Decide
As a rule, taking action against the Godless is sanctioned by the Sharia. If, however, the employer is amongst the faithful, conciliation and discussion should settle disputes.
Motion 1302: Oppose
Further attempt by the Atheists to break up the family.

***********************************************************

COMPETITION

Change the words ‘Broad Left’ to ‘Moderate’ in 12 years. Then explain it to the rest of us.

**********************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS
Daily Debriefing in the Smugglers Bar at Lunchtime and Close of Conference each day. Cadres will be fined for late or non-attendance. T-shirts and a few (rare and prized) Badges are available from Senior officers in the Bar. Large and voluntary donations are required. New delegates are restricted to one night’s Subsistence.

From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Rwanda to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

Do not say. Why were the old days better than these? For it ís not wise to ask such questions.
Ecclesiastes 7:10 - Authorized England


THURSDAY


ROUND & ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot


The things they do. Last Tuesday, RIKKI WIGLEY was wandering along the corridor of his hotel, the HIGHCLLFF, stark bollock naked at 3.30 in the morning trying to find his bedroom. He then knocked on VERONICA BAYNE' S door by mistake - fortunately for him she recoiled in disgust and rang reception to get help. When asked to give an explanation of his conduct the next day all WRIGLEY would say was "Oh, was that the time then?".

But at the RED centre, the HERMITAGE, things are never quite the way they seem. The obscure JIM HOLMES, a Yorkshire COMMIE, asked reception to reserve a MORNING STAR for him every day. Needless to say, they had never heard of it, and on Monday the Tory DAILY STAR was pushed under his door.

Of course none of this would happen if RACHEL BARROWCLOUGH showed an ounce of loyalty to the paper she claims to support and sold it outside the BIC doors together with the rest of the loonies. The notorious COMMIE tap-dancer hopes to be swept back onto the NEC this year. She is one of the chosen few on the DEMOCRATIC LEFTOVERS list who have been given the Moderati seal of approval - but only at Section level - so her chances are pretty slim. Over the past year, RACHEL has distinguished herself by losing her Area Directorate Branch Secretaries facility time because she failed to respond to 4 letters from Management on the subject. She has had her branch's last two rebates withheld because the financial return has not been submitted. She wasted MILLS' money by cancelling her place on the National Market Testing School the Friday before it was due to start because she didn't like the others who were going. And she has failed to get nominated to any national post by her own branch.

Still she easily fits in with the DEAD LEFT - the supposedly socialist faction which has still to utter one word of criticism of the Moderati, while heaping tons of abuse on its onetime RED friends in MENDICANT and BL `84.

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NOOKS & CRANNIES
by Barabbas


As we all know, the TROTS have taken the principled stand in having nothing to do with the SAVE THE CHILDREN fund appeal, on the grounds that they cannot spare any of their precious facility time to handle it. But their resistance is crumbling. STEVE BATTLEMUCH has bought tons of raffle tickets in the hope of winning the Aromatherapy Oils, which incidentally were donated by MARION herself.

On a lighter note, we are all pleased to know that Deputy General Secretary MARTIN BOYLE has been given the task of heading the ALAN ENGLAND INQUIRY. We can all now sleep safely in our beds in the knowledge that he will carry out his duties with the impartiality and fairness that has got him to where he is today.

People's Bailiff RED O'REGAN and Yorkshire stalwart TOM McVIE are both taking and early bath. O'REGAN goes on early retirement and McVIE has already gone - on grounds of "inefficiency". But both hope to retain their CPSA membership under the TURER rules. BASIL the BAILIFF has already lined himself up as a part-time, self-employed process server and McVIE is hoping to get a job as a part-time pox doctor's clerk.

Take no pity on poor BILL PAYNE. He's a first time delegate who is totally overawed at mixing with his betters here in Bournemouth. Last Friday he rang Peter Harris, his branch secretary to check if it would be okay to wear jeans at Conference.

MILLS's speech was great wasn't it? In the PRESS ROOM, which doubles up as the full-timers hospitality bar, the loudspeaker was actually turned off as soon as he opened his mouth. So the only reporter to cover the TREASURER' S brilliant discourse was STEVE DUNK of MENDICANT who has been forced to sit it out at a tiny desk facing the top table.

MARION had a hard time yesterday but she certainly did well turfing out the riff-raff in the 90 pence seats at the back. Needless to say the TROUBLEMAKERS were all TROTS, including TERRY ADAMS's constant companion, DEBBIE DARRACOTT. But it's not all fun in the hot seat. After 6 hours MARION felt the urgent call of nature but just as she got to the door of the Presidential bog she was ambushed by BONNER demanding to know the results of the DE Section elections. MARION managed to escape him and get to the throne - only to be confronted by Mrs JARVIS as soon as she got out, demanding the same answers.

Mrs JARVIS's absence from the Labour Party fringe meeting she helped organise for Wednesday lunchtime did not go unnoticed. And there were further mutterings, mainly from the hypocrites in the DEAD LEFT camp, when she failed to return to the Hall to move reference back on the key-note motion on Job-Seekers Allowances in the afternoon. Who can blame her -the Labour meeting was dead boring and was attended by the usual bunch of nobodies and she had more chance of being struck by lightning than getting the reference back through. In fact she had far more important things on her mind - holding a secret working lunch with CHRIS BAUGH of MENDICANT to plot their next move against MARION and RAMSBLADDER.

DONNY McINTYRE is not just a pretty face. When a bunch of hooligans from MOD Carlisle descended on the PLANTATION Hotel in search of DUGGAN to punish him for his rash remarks about ARTHUR SCARGLLL. DONNY personally intervened, saving DUGGAN' S hide at the same time converting them into supporters of the DEMOCRATIC LEFT. (DM - £20 /MD - £25 owed to PFL)

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STARSHIP NEWS

On behalf of Captain Reamsbottom and the crew, I'd like to welcome you all aboard the Starship BIC for this weeklong cruise around the Solar System. We're currently 3 days and 500 million miles from Planet Earth and over the next two days we will lose sight of it entirely.

There have been a few niggling problems which we need to address but we trust they haven't spoilt things too badly. Issuing binoculars for Tuesday's Solar eclipse was, in retrospect, probably not as good an idea as it seemed at the time, judging by the number of passengers wandering around aimlessly, looking like Japanese snipers with dark glasses. However, we understand that, in most cases, you should be able to open your eyes fully within two weeks.

The Catering has not been up to our usual high standards. Unfortunately the galley had not been cleared after last weeks cruise. And we wish to offer our condolences to the families of those who were sucked out of the airlock following yesterday's horrendous accident in the Observation Gallery
.
We remain concerned that passengers still haven't read the instructions regarding emergency drills and have a tendency, every time the warning bells ring, to drink a pint of beer then run back into the main chamber instead of manning the shuttle stations.

The company is considering a refund for all those who feel these events have spoiled the week's holiday. Meanwhile, we hope we can put all our troubles behind us and concentrate on enjoying the remainder of the Talent Contest running all week in the Windsor module.

Should you require refreshments, please do not leave your seats. Put your hands up to attract the attention of one of the stewards and place your orders with them. They will be only too delighted to oblige.

It only remains for me to thank you for cruising CPSA and we hope you enjoy the rest of your trip. Thank you for coming - especially if twice or three times.

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EVE'S DROPPINGS

`You think you've got these sycophants in your pocket, and they still stab you in the back'
`Bladder

`Who are these middle class Tory bastards at the bar?' Tim Thorpe
`That's the NEC' Gary Graham

`By and large I hate conference delegates. they smoke, drink, and are foul-mouthed. They're animals'
Paul Beechcroft

`A head appeared through the loft - a bald-headed Rastafarian'
Willy Watson

`There's nothing wrong with a bit of child abuse' Jan Swindlehurst

`I'm desperate to fart but I'm frightened I'll shit myself Jim Hanson
'Do it over Lewis then, no-one will notice the stench' Boil

Harris! Get out. You're the chief steward. Get back there and throw some of them out'
Boil (overheard in Press room)

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Serbian Top Ten Videos
1 Apocalypse Now
2 Platoon
3 Full Metal Jacket
4 Oh What A Lovely War
5 Slobodan Milosevic and the Temple of Doom
6 Honey I've blown up the Kids
7 Basic Instinct
8 Deadly Force
9 A Bridge too Far
10 Top Gun

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ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

Motion 755 - Oppose
It is a privilege and an honour to serve our members and, for the true believer, these crass material considerations should play no part.
Motion 791 - Oppose
For once the NEC are on the side of the righteous.
Motion 818 - Oppose
Communist claptrap
Motion 828 - Qualified Support
Anti Zionism is the duty of the God Fearing
Motion 840 - Full Support
For our Moslem brothers Motion 842 - Oppose Waste of Conference time
Motion 843 - Support - regardless of Mandate.
Well thought out. Precise, clear and to the point. We need more motions like this if we are to regain credibility amongst the membership and to begin to reverse the long-standing decline in the power and influence of the Labour movement. Congratulations to Benefits Agency, Bucks for having the courage to grasp this long neglected nettle.

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Barry's place in History:

'Blessed are the meek - for they shall inherit the earth' Jesus of Nazareth

`One small step for a man, one huge leap for mankind' Neil Armstrong

`If you lead, I will not follow. If you follow I will not lead. I want to walk beside you as a friend'
Anon black South African Anarchist killed in Sharpville

`I have nothing to declare but my genius' Oscar Wilde

`I disagree with everything you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it' Voltaire

`Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few' Churchill

`He's Bonkers' Barry Reamsbottom

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Daily Debriefing in the Smugglers Bar at Lunchtime and Close of Conference each day. Cadres will be fined for late or non-attendance.

REGISTRATION FORMS for interconference issues of PFLCPSA Bulletin are available now. Registration is compulsory. Get your form early to avoid the panic: "There aren't any forms left" will not be accepted as a reasonable excuse for non-registration.

`ENGLAND SUCKS' T-shirts and a few (rare and prized) Badges are available from Senior officers in the Bar. Large and voluntary donations are required. New delegates are restricted to one night's Subsistence.


From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Rwanda to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory


I hate double minded men, but I love your law
Psalm 119:113


FRIDAY


ROUND & ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot


Bar takings zoomed up all over Bournemouth as the Moderati and their Democratic Left stooges drank themselves silly celebrating this year's landslide victory. Their cheery faces, unlike those of the TROTS, were seen in all the best hotels in town. But back in their seedy dives, the Assorted TROTS were plotting their next move. MENDICANT is set on seeing the ENGLAND saga through to the bitter end - even though it is now clear that it can only end in another humiliation. BL 84 is all over the place, some blame BAUGH, others blame Mrs JARVIS and some now want to mend their fences with the DEMOCRATIC LEFTOVERS.

And the highlight of their evening was a more modest bash at the HERMITAGE, where the YORKSHIRE SOVIET was holding its annual wake.

Mrs JARVIS was already coming under attack from her campaign managers, and was drowning her sorrows in her accustomed way. ALBERT ASTBURY, in his Christian Dior shirt, was equally sombre - hiding in corners to avoid his sycophants who only laughed at his jokes to get a drink out of him.

During the campaign Mrs JARVIS's followers were under strict orders not to make any hostile references to LEON TROTSKY or the past record of MENDICANT in CPSA. While this was still being largely adhered to, BAUGH and GODRICH were not amused at the ANTI-TROT jokes during the entertainment.

Sir ROY d'LEWIS, and his cronies LEECH & CO. normally never miss the SOVIET. This time they dared not show their faces, hiding in the Conference Social until it was safe to crawl over to the HIGHCLIFF and grovel to their masters. PETER THOMASON, the mastermind of the JARVIS campaign, had been billed as a star guest but he wisely stayed at home. ALDERSON was too pissed to arrive.

The HIGHCLIFF, which has also served as temporary PFLCPSA field HQ this week, glittered like a galaxy in the night. The only unpleasant scene was altercation between Assistant General Secretary McCANN and some senior officers of the Revolutionary Command Council, who were insisting that BARRY pick up the tab for their booze in the usual way. McCANN, who is second in line of succession, said that this won't happen when he's boss - though how expects to get there without our favours remains unanswered.

And another week passes by. Congratulations to RED DOWNING, who is taking up HOLY ORDERS and putting aside the temptations of the flesh. And condolences to JILL O'CONNOR, who fractured her ankle standing in the queue outside GARY GRAHAM's door.

Not to mention LIZ IVERS, who had a dream. She dreamt she was in bed in the WINTERBOURNE - got up naked as nature intended - went down to the bar where D.o.T. comrades were writing their speeches and asked them" Where's the loo?" and wandered off without waiting for a reply. Unfortunately for LIZ it was not a dream.

LES MORON has at last put in an appearance. He only turned up for the SOVIET bash and we're far too considerate to mention his latest blunder concerning arrangements for a conference of the country's leading judiciary. His annual report is at stake. (£20 - LM). By the way DUGGAN we're still waiting for your CHEQUE - ALBERT ASTBURY please also note. Coun.SAMUELS - no more foreign banknotes please.

A burglar-broke into Reamsbottom's house and headed straight for the safe. As he ferreted through 3 feet of ballot papers and a quart bottle of Tippex to get to the readies, an unearthly voice said `Jesus is watching you'. Sure that it had just been a figment of his imagination, he stashed the money in his bag. Once again the voice said `Jesus is watching you'. Nervously he flipped on his torch and swiftly spotted a parrot in a cage at the far end of the room. The burglar said `Who the fuck are you?' The parrot replied `I'm Saint Peter.'.'That's a stupid name for a parrot!' the burglar exclaimed. And the parrot replied `Not half as stupid as "Jesus" for a Rottweiller!'

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Business News
CPSA Shares soar after confidence vote

CPSA shares were at an all-time high of $7.50 when trading closed last night, following the massive vote of confidence at the AGM for the current board, and news of the sudden death of Mr. Christopher Baugh.
Trading in CPSA shares had been suspended following a complaint from Mr. Baugh a corporate vice-president. But they resumed following an appeal to the High Court. After a hesitant start, they began to climb when the results of the shareholder's ballot was announced Mr Baugh was rushed to hospital at 10.00 am after suffering a massive heart attack soon after the results were announced. He died two hours later.

Mr. Baugh was believed to behind the Harrogate bid led by Mr. Alan England and a group of Northern businessmen. Mr. England, who is holidaying in Blackpool, was not available for comment.

But concern is being expressed at the health and state of mind of Mrs Jarvis, a regional manager who had publicly backed the England bid. Friends have been unable to contact her and the police have been informed.
Mr. Baugh's death caused a short-term vacancy on the executive. This was filled by the surprise appointment of Mrs Carole Popplewell, as a reward for long service. She has been appointed senior corporate director, replacing Mr. Tony Rouse who has been relieved of much of his responsibilities on health grounds.

Mr. Reamsbottom, CPSA's Managing Director, has also made other changes - `the most dramatic being the appointment of six new directors, from the Roy Lewis partnership, a subsidiary now fully agglomerated into the parent company.

CPSA, which trades under the Moderati label, has reported record growth and for the first time in its history expects declare a dividend. City analysts believe that it may be worth between 4.1 to 15 per cent. But shares dipped on the Nikkei index following Wall Street reports that it is only really 1.8 per cent.

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ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

Motion 1091 - Support
So long as it includes the relevant Holy Days
Motion 1111 - Oppose
Don't waste valuable conference time on the Workshy
Motion 1140 - Oppose
Too long and tedious for serious consideration. Especially on a Friday morning.
Motion 1152 - Support
Women should be encouraged to retire on marriage.
Motion 1157 - Support
This barbaric act victimises the ordinary working Man
Motion 1176 - Oppose
Let bygones be bygones
Motion 1214 - Oppose
Unnatural and Godless behaviour cannot be condoned by the faithful
Motions 1221,1222,1223 - Oppose
See 1111
Motion 1224 - Oppozz
Motion 1225 - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

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THINGS THEY NEVER SAID

Oh come on Chris, it's only a minor setback. Marion
Thanks for all the help, advice and particularly support, Peter. Jarvis
You're welcome to have my office, Carol. Rouse
You're welcome to have my office, Tony. Baugh
Here, have a cigarette and let me buy you a drink Islam
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Boyle

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Funds desperately needed. Pick up and complete your Registration Forms if you haven't already. We will take cheques if you absolutely insist. Please note that the mailing address should be:
Box 1, 29a Oakhill Road, Putney, LONDON, SW15 2QJ and not as advertised on some of the Registration forms.
A rough guide to Subscription Rates:
Observers, Trainee Delegates and other low lifes £5
Delegates £10
NEC members and Full Time Officers £20
Alan England £60,000

And so once again its Bibi Conference - Bournemouth and England still suck. Lets hope we have more luck with Blackpool. Thanks to the usual team of helpers and Parasites. ISLAM, APOLLO, PICASSO AND BRONK all return to deep cover next week. Thanks to Steve, Ian and Andy at Triangle Printing But most of all thanks to you once again for your blind obeisance and continued support.

From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Los Angeles to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory


We shall return and we shall be millions