CONFERENCE 98

WEEKEND

WHO WE ARE

The Popular Front has been in existence for 21 years and is a democratic and open organisation that supports no political faction within PCS but fights to expose manoeuvring and hypocrisy wherever they occur and from whichever clique. We also keep a close eye on how the member's subs are (mis)spent. We fight for the following list of demands:

~ Replacement of the NEC with a Revolutionary Command Council
~ The abolition of all forms of balloting and its replacement by the Popular Will of the Masses
~ Full support for the Islamic Left
~ Annual Delegate Conference to be held in Beirut
~ End the stranglehold of the Catholic Action Group

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

The imminence of Group elections caused a mild fnsson of excitement to run through the upper echelons of the BA Members Voice faction (a pot-pouri of MODS/ME lst/Anti Militant Alliance/Dim Left etc). After many tortuous hours spent putting together a full slate of candidates for the election - a task not helped by ME lst, who assume they run the Union but were unable to come up with a single activist contact in the Executive constituency - all was nearly lost when the Leeds Regional Office forgot to issue acceptance of nomination forms to well over half the state.

JOE LE TAXI took the step of submitting an election address along with his own version of an acceptance form, which the bright sparks at Leeds unwisely tried to tell him was unacceptable because it wasn’t on the official form... SIR WOY and his namesake YAHAN LEWIS (same slate, same Branch, but fortunately absolutely no relation to the old bore) survived a similar scare. None of the Trot incumbents on the GEC experienced these minor setbacks, and it would be totally unfair to suggest that MIKE KING, CHRIS KIRK and KEITH WYLIE were in any way under the influence of the rag-bag of REDS currently pressing the buttons on the Group Executive. Just a case of coincidental incompetence. We do note, however, that KING and KIRK have generously offered to take redundancy packages worth in excess of £250,000 each. (John RAYWOOD eat your heart out!)

Within the BA and ES, factionalism generally comes down to supporting either the REDS and their fellow travellers or the MODS and their associated baggage. Not so in the MOD where no less than 5 separate factions, plus independent candidates, are contesting the Group Executive. An approved Popular Front tactic, following closely to the spirit if not the script to the "Life of Brian". Remember to sing the song lads!
The average ovine among you will recall that we have drawn his or her (OK don’t labour the point, Stan) attention to the different ways in which the two previous Unions viewed the running of Conference, CPSA’s being the Beirut, and PTC being the Ambridge of the Trade Union Movement. Anxious to avoid any unpleasantness at the inaugural PCS Conference, the TUFTY CLUB wing on the Conference Arrangements Committee are working hard to make sure you sheep behave at Brighton. Proposed rules to be observed include:

(1) Teabreaks - to really disrupt proceedings.

(2) "Official" fringe meetings at lunchtime - to keep you busy.

(3) No bars other than at lunchtime - to ensure that most delegates are out of the Conference Centre for most of the time. (A Popular Front rearguard action will be fought on the NEC on this.
)
CPSA was always streets ahead of PTC and its predecessors in the field of education of its reps, the latter relying largely on activists trained by CPSA being promoted to the Executive grade. The all-new, all-singing all-dancing PCS education programme is already showing side effects of deja vu. STUART CURRIE was chairing a PCS residential "Introductory School" designed for new Union reps. When he arrived at the venue he checked the list of students and noticed a familiar name. So when ex-Mendicant KEVIN McHUGH arrived he was asked how he thought that a former CPSA NEC member and former DHSS Group chair could qualify as a new rep, McWHO responded ‘Well, I’m new to PCS!", but alas, the taxi was waiting to take him back to the station. Bad judgement. If anyone stands in urgent need of an education it is surely WOR KEVVA.

Having given most of the staff early severance at vast cost, PCS is now approaching the departed minions inviting them back as casuals. Persons previously known as FINGLESON need not apply. Incidentally, can someone please tell us why NICK SHITE is still around, what he is doing and how much the members are paying for his (doubtful) services?

The Curse of FRANKENSTEIN continues to trouble BARRY. Having won her constructive dismissal case against him, AMANDA wants her dosh. The CANNY SCOT, not a man to bear grudges, unsportingly refused to shell out so the NW (her union) got a court order against PCS. Thus far this too has been ignored, and the naused-off NUJ are sending the boys round from the Lord Chancellors Department to distrain on the union’s goods and chattels. BASIL has been put on standby to identify broken quill pens, surplus inkwells, blotters and desk tidies for the bailiffs to remove. If this should prove insufficient, the CPSA and PTC necktie reserve could be raided.
A seedy looking bloke (perhaps a freelance bailiff?) had been hanging around the Great SOUTHFORK Street PCS building for a few days. The absence of security guards meant he could wander around unchallenged. Eventually, he entered the computer server room - which should be locked but wasn’t - disconnected the server and walked out. One member of staff did challenge him, but another said "It’s alright, he’s been here a couple of days." When he went outside he asked a workman to hold the server while he got on his bike and then, balancing the server on his crossbar, pedalled rapidly off into the gloaming. What a jolly jape! When the insurance policy was inspected it was found to contain an "adequate security" clause. As there was no security at all, no claim could be made.

The server was leased, so £40,000 of members money will have to be paid over to the Computer Company. Never mind, at least we’ll get a shiny new server? Not quite - the system is due to be abandoned soon in order to have a single, unitary computer system for the whole of PCS. Oddly, former PCS officials keep complaining at the expense (and image) of maintaining a security presence at Falconcrest.

EVES DROPPINGS

"It’s not worth much, is it?" DOUG GOWAN
‘They can’t blame me, I was abroad." JOHN STEPHENS
"I don’t know what all the fuss is about." HUGE PLANNING
"I suppose this’ll be in that bloody PFLCPSA thing." POO-BAH (again)
"A server is not just for Christmas, it’s for life!" STUART CURRIE

DAILY DEBRIEFINGS IN THE FIDDLERS ELBOW AT LUNCHTIME AND END OF CONFERENCE. BUY OUR WONDERFUL T-SHIRTS TO HELP DEFRAY THE CONSIDERABLE COSTS OF PRODUCING THE DAILY BULLETINS. DONATE YOUR DOSH TO US. VISIT OUR WEBSITE TO VIEW OUR RECENT STUFF.
http://www.pflcpsa.nu/

MONDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

BRIGHTON’S hotels and bars are full of unseasonal trade as delegates from the four quarters of the union pour into the hub of the south coast for the new union’s inaugural blutfest. But in the seedier dives the assorted TROTS and REDS and looking gleefully to a few days of bloodletting amongst the right and the cutting down to size of the CPSA Moderati together with BARRY himself.

Though ME FIRST have been happy for the GREAT SCOT to do their dirty work at FALCONCREST – hounding the known troublemakers out or into Scottish exile, they haven’t forgiven him for trying to double-cross them in this year’s elections – a move which backfired and has left ME FIRST with an absolute majority on the NEC.
ME FIRST’S modest leader, JAMES "call me Jimbo" UNDY has made it clear to the GREAT SCOT that if he makes one wrong move in the future he’s out. UNDY, who in a past incarnation was a stalwart member of the SOCIALIST WANKERS Party, has shown his willingness to reach consensus by having covert talks with the TROTS, guaranteeing that every anti-Moderati motion which doesn’t get guillotined, will get carried this week.
UNDY is particularly incensed at BARRY’S apparent rudeness. JIMBO sees him as an uncouth SCOT (anyone know a couth scot?) who is little more than a jumped-up CO. More to the point CPSA’s General Secretary for life has pointedly failed to take the ME FIRST fuhrer to the slap-up dinner he demands from his NEC ME FIRST stooges as a sign of homage to his wise leadership and sense of responsibility.

Meanwhile back in the real world, it seems that the odious UNDY doesn’t have a job to do at the HSE. Initially he had his probation extended in order to allow him time to reach the required performance level for a direct entrant EO. Despite this he was subsequently promoted but his career seems to have stalled. So valued is he, that senior managers don’t actually trust him to do any job at all. Makes you wonder how he got to be an H, and what he does all day, other than interfere.

Half-hearted attempts to reach a common platform for the two right wing jurassic factions collapsed due mainly to the incompetence of LEO BRIGHTLEY, one of Sir WOY D’LEWIS’s DIM LEFT stooges, who cocked up the talks with ME FIRST prior to the elections. LEWIS paid the penalty for his USELESSNESS by getting dropped from the Moderati slate this year (he’s the old git in OXFAM togs and a WALKING STICK sitting in the BA ranks cadging drinks and telling lies).

Talking of BRIGHTLEY, he was recently excited about the prospect of taking a driving test for the first time. He arrived early, sober(ish for him), well dressed and greeted the examiner with confidence. As the two approached the test vehicle, the examiner stopped and said " Mr Brightley, please read to me the registration number of that white car over there." "Er!" replied Jack Sprightly screwing up his eyes "Err! Errr!" "I think you'd better make an appointment with an optician Mr Brightley, good morning."

RAMSBLADDER will no doubt ignore the puerile motion calling on him to stand down when SHELDON goes. But the "unpaid special leave" , motion, IF it reaches the floor, should put paid to MARION once and for all. Within the Moderati camp the struggle for succession has already begun.

Three hats are in the ring – STUART CURRIE, who’ll get the job cos he’s SCOTTISH, JOE COX who won’t cos he’s too FAT and some black woman whose name we can’t remember.

Will this reverse the Moderati’s flagging fortunes? Only time will tell. But ME FIRST have a stranglehold on their own constituencies, though the Moderati say this is based on bagging votes on the strength of phoney promises of good reports and promotions to their underlings.

Meanwhile the followers of LEON TROTSKY are expected to consolidate their hold in several sections while the two right-wing camps fight it out for control at the top. The only thing that can save the Moderati is the tactical use of RE-RUNS – which should begin with MOD following the complaints about the election addresses inter alia in a five horse race. The hapless RALPH GROVES will carry the can for the alleged incompetence to justify it.

Back in the left camp LEFT UNITY is consolidating its grip on the guillible. UNITY, a pale shadow of the SECRET LEFT which once held the high-grades union in its sway for years, has been forced to go along with their TROT rivals but they have refused to merge with their fellow-left wingers – knowing full well that their pitiful foot-soldiers would be easily swamped by the serried ranks in the other bloc.

***********************************************************************************
QUOTE OF THE YEAR (to date)
"I suppose I should treat you as an equal, now that you are an HEO"
JAMES (Man of the People) UNDY to ROB LEECH (a Dim Left nobody )
***********************************************************************************

Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

For 21 years we have been offering our impartial guidance to the faithful – 21 years of solid progress and shining achievement crowned this year by the realisation of two of our long established policy goals. One step closer to the single Civil Service Union and a Ban on Alcohol both in the same year only goes to show how far and wide our influence is now felt. Throughout this week you will have opportunities to edge us further down the path to righteousness and we will draw your attention to the important motions as appropriate.
The usual strictures apply – in that delegates must always carry out the mandate given to you by your branch. Unless, of course the branch obviously voted to defy the will of Allah, in which case it is your holy duty to correct such errors. As ever, in awkward cases, Imams will be on hand to issue personal instruction and counselling. For a moderate and affordable fee. Meanwhile, we welcome delegates to this first Conference of the PCS at Brighton 1998.

***********************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS

Probationery Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence.

Daily debriefing in The Fiddlers Elbow (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes.

T-Shirts will be available from Senior Officers from Wednesday.
Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often.

The Web Page is now up and running (and, if you're reading this you don't need telling!) at http//www.pflcpsa.nu and our email address is deepthroat@pflcpsa.nu

From Palestine to Falconcrest from Southfork to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

Bread is for laughter of the workers, and wine itself makes life rejoice, but MONEY is what meets a response in all things.
Ecclesiastes 10,19 Standard Oil Version

TUESDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Monday night was a cracker. While the ASSORTED TROTS drank themselves silly at the news of their temporary victories in BA, a sombre band gathered in the PAGANINI hall at the OLD SHIP HOTEL for the Moderati Hunt ball. MARION and BARRY roamed around trying to raise morale amongst their followers - well into double figures - while UNDY lorded it downstairs in the bar with his cronies from the high grades. Three harpies on the door extorted money from three senior officers of the PFLCPSA who were under the mistaken belief that they were honoured guests. They were also forced to buy some rubbishy raffle tickets which they gave to SIR WOY, who needs a bit of help.

El Presidente PETER DONELLAN was seen last Friday playing with a toy bus on the floor of the Falcon Pub. Don’t ask why. Probably covered by one of the Principal Rules. When, inevitably, he crashed the toy, (which was a gift to CPSA from a passing foreign trade delegation) into the bar, repairing it fell to pcs computer manager Gordy the Gopher PATTERSON who’s good at these things. It is now destined to crash again on 01/01/2000. It is the little details about the President Nouveau which fill an otherwise grey area. Nobody knows who he is. He arrived at the still TROT controlled Benefits Agency Group Conference yesterday, and his welcome went as follows:

STEWARD: "You can’t come in here without credentials."
DONELLAN: "But I’m speaking."
STEWARD: "Not without credentials."
DONELLAN: "But I’m the guest speaker!"
STEWARD: "Who the fuck are you, then?"
DONELLAN: "Peter Donellan."
STEWARD: "Who’s that then?"
DONELLAN: "I’m the NATIONAL PRESIDENT and I’m guest Speaker!"
STEWARD: "Oh well, if you must…"

RAMSBLADDER’S theoretical journal Trounce The Trots has been relaunched with the snappy title National Moderate Group News. Needless to say BARRY’S ravings went down like a lead balloon with all apart from the Moderati faithful. BARRY was eventually consoled by those three intellectual giants BOYLE, McCANN and McINTYRE who all hope to get invites to the GREAT SCOT’S villa in Spain next year. It was, however, surpassed by the RED Unity section tract. Centre staff got overtime to clear up large numbers of unread yellow rags littering the Conference Hall.

SHELDON was nowhere to be seen - nor CHURCHYARD, though as no-one knows what he looks like he could have been anywhere. STUART "I’m only 29 (stone that is)" CURRIE is also on UNDY’S immense blacklist. Apparently the CUDDLY CALEDONIAN had dared to suggest that UNDY was a racialist after the ME FIRST fuhrer had a contretemps with that black woman whose name we still can’t remember. UNDY wants him on a disciplinary.

But the highlight of the mediocre day was the sight of all the bad pennies skulking around the Centre. HEMINGWAY was there as usual, joined in the evening by ROBIN UNWORTHY. Both are here for the WHOLE WEEK.

TREVOR HAYWOOD is expected tomorrow, CHRIS MORON was doing the rounds as was those twin stars of yesteryear, KEVIN McHUGH and DOREEN PURVIS.

We’d all hoped to see recently retired GILL TROMANS this year but she’s in charge of a bar on a caravan site at Stratford on Avon and couldn’t make it. And we’ve been spared the return of KEVIN RODDY BA, MA in Social Security Administration and late of our union who has left the LABOUR PARTY and is going to be an H – so that’s another one UNDY can treat as an equal...

Remember featherweight TERRY MARTIN? She’s now a full-time dinner-lady and she runs her own Irish dancing school in Jarrow. Imagine refusing the custard from Terry! Come to that, imagine her Irish Dancing!!

KEVIN, the dapper balding Geordie, is hoping to make his comeback this year like FRANK THE WANK PEMBERTON who threatens to turn up in the unlikely event that he gets on TUC list. Incidently our DOREEN has come up in the world. She now writes letters on behalf of THE QUEEN and TONY BLAIR telling pensioners and other benefit claimants exactly why they can expect no further assistance from the welfare state. So now you know.

And farewell STEVE BATTLEMUCH. The TOP TROT is going to work for OXFAM in Nottingham in the very near future. And its bibi NICK SHITE, who leaves FALCONCREST at the end of this week ~ though he’ll keep on drawing his wages till next March.

*****************************************************************************************
QUOTE DU JOUR
"More people hate Undy than hate me" RAMSBLADDER
*****************************************************************************************

News From the Smoke Filled Rooms
by Barrabas

KEITH WHO?, 50% of the General Treasurer – the other half is DAVE NOBODY, needed to contact former trustees on outstanding CPSA business. He was asked what would happen if they were dead. He replied "Oh, that’s easy. Unfortunately they’re still alive!".

Makerfield Benefit Centre delegation to BA Group Conference consists of the Executive constituency represented by leading TANKIES the HODGKINSONS and the Admin constituency represented by leading drunks GRAHAM BILLINGTON and JAMES POWELL. The Tankies, used to PTC type Conferences seemed bemused by the behaviour of their clerical comrades who, following past CPSA Conference tradition, overlunched on the brown lemonade and spent the afternoon kipping it off in the Observers Gallery.

The DIM LEFT drew the short straw in accommodation. Holed up in the SPRACHCAFFE CLUB HOTEL (props. Mr & Mrs Hilter), they had booked for B&B. To their horror they found that full English breakfast is an extra £3.50 per day. The management also removed one of the twin beds from SIR WOY’s room. They clearly know what the old git’s like.

____________________________________________________________

The Islamic Left is otherwise engaged.
____________________________________________________________

PFLCPSA NEWS

Probationery Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence.

Daily debriefing in The Fiddlers Elbow (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes.

T-Shirts will be available from Senior Officers. Our invaluable 'New Delegates Guide to Conference' is still available in limited numbers at 50p each. Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often.

The Web Page is now up and running at http//www.pflcpsa.nu and our email address is deepcover@pflcpsa.nu

From Palestine to Falconcrest from Southfork to Peru - One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

The false witness will not be free from punishment, and he that launches forth mere lies will perish.

Proverbs 19.9
Shell Revised Ken Saro-wiwa Edition

WEDNESDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Yesterday was another riveting day at the Centre with the cheery faces of the Assorted Trots and Management Grades waiting in eager anticipation of the humiliation to come for RAMSBLADDER and the MODERATI. But the high spot was, of course, the Fire at the MOD barracks at the ROYAL ALBION HOTEL in the morning. Though the blame has been put on the hapless chefs preparing breakfast, the finger of suspicion logically points at STUART HARDING, late of CPSA, who, as some of us are old enough to remember, has already burnt down his base twice over the last two decades.

STUART, conveniently however, has an apparently watertight alibi as he was still out drinking with HAGGAR. Though, as they both later admitted, had they been there, they would have shooed their fellow delegates all back into the flames. In any case, consider who else profited from this "disaster" – what with all the evidence of the ballot-rigging having gone up in smoke. As a consequence of the conflagration, for the first time in history, MOD conference had to be cancelled – much to the obvious relief of one RALPH GROVES whose incompetence has led to complaints over the elections from contenders in all five MOD factions. Which just goes to show that he is at least being even handed.

So while many refugees merely suffered the discomfort of tramping the streets looking for emergency accomodation, others suffered more profitable personal tragedy. MOD stalwart, SILVIA PARASITE lost her entire priceless Conference jewellery in the inferno, worth in excess of £8,500 – or so she says. Thank God for the insurance companies.

Though everyone else without a friend seems to have turned up this week in Brighton, we’ve at least been spared the presence of STEVE DUNK. The former TROT supremo and BAUGH minder has long put his RED past behind him. He’s now a millionaire BOSS. Apparently, he tricked his former comrade, JOHN MACREADIE, into giving him a glowing reference (all lies) when the former Scottish hoodlum was still CPSA DGS. MacVICAR was then grilled for two hours by the head hunter and DUNK got the job working for TELEWEST a top cable laying corporation.

He started on 50 grand (almost as much as RAMSBLADDER) and since being promoted, now pulls down 70k. One of his first tasks was to sack all the foremen. In an act of selfless nepotism, he then poached two more of his former comrades at 20k apiece to work as his personal assistants. DUNK is now chief exec for TELEWEST in Scotland with shared use of a white stretch limo and chauffeur. Beats selling MILITANT.
Spare a thought for poor old JOE COX. The excitement appears to have all too much for him. He collapsed on Friday at the Railway Station and was rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack. SYLVIA LEWIS has, conversely, bounced back as a Trustee this year having made a remarkable recovery from the big C three years after we’d all written her off.

Outside the centre, the sad bunch of Hawkers were joined by two lonely ex NUCPS pensioners in the SOCIALIST PARTY OF GREAT BRITAIN - determined to demonstrate what a dynamic and thrusting working class movement they represent by giving out their tracts to anyone who recognised them. The SPGB is one of those curiously cranky outfits which never changes, much like Cliff Richards or the Manchester based Anarcho-Syndicalist sect PETER DONELLAN once laboured for before discovering the allure of power. (The same sort of outfit KEVIN HEADBANGER of the BSRC(?) joins or sets up from time to time).

But another loony had to be physically ejected by chief steward PETER HARRIS at the behest of MYRTYN JYNKYNS when he tried to give out recruitment leaflets for something called the Civil and Public Services Union. His name is IAIN ROBERTSON and he wants you all to ring him on 01952 414085 after 6 pm or VERY early in the morning. JIM HENSON played a walk on part.

As Dusk fell, the factions went to work. The COMMISSAR Party, a dwindling band of management grades, held one of their famous "secret" meetings to plot their next moves, and get a better editor for their UNITY rag. So were the MODERATI who deserted the OLD SHIP en masse. All the TROTS were at the end of the pier. And as for UNDY and LANNING, they were just smiling.

******************************************************************************************

NEWS FROM THE SMIRK FILLED ROOMS
by Barrabas

More smoke filled than usual, the Royal Albion was originally to host the Inland Revenue. They made a provisional booking for the hotel, but then had trouble calculating how many rooms they would require. During the meanwhilst they were gazumped by the MOD who had flogged off the TA to a banana republic or somesuch, and were feeling so flush that they didn’t ask about off-season discounts and got caught for the full whack, but obviously with enough left over for a few cheap baubles for SYLVIA PARRY-POOL. By the way, Sylvia, exactly what kind of Conference were you expecting to attend this year. On a more helpful note, we can supply copy invoices for lost or damaged goods for insurance purposes. The usual bunce rules apply. Oh, yeah. Don’t forget the claims for trauma – you were on Union business at the time…

***********************************************************************************

QUOTE DU JOUR

"We were all caught out by the persistent procrastination of the employer being dragged out for a long time." BA delegate Martin Jones

THINGS THEY NEVER SAID

"OK Jim, lets go eat. I’ll pay." Reamsbottom
"I’m quite happy with the way Barry runs things" Undy
"Have I told you my new joke?" Macreadie
"Have you got a light?" Colonel Harding
"Run and get me a copy of the latest PFL." Hugh Lanning (POO-BAH)
"It’s been an absolute dream working with our marvellous Standing Orders Committee." Jim (Basil) Hanson
"Oops." Ralph Groves
"Of course branches should have additional funds to spend as they wish" Keef Mills
"What is the name of that black woman whose name we can never remember?" Col. Islam

Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

This guidance is issued in accordance with the will of Allah. We remind those of you who only arrived today, that you should, in all circumstances, carry out the mandate of your branch – Except, of course, when a higher authority is indicated. It is our humble task to draw to your attention the issues to which such authority applies. Most of our guidance is optional, and we will indicate clearly when it is otherwise (see motion 150 below for example) and believers must, on these occasions, ignore all mere mortal mandates and obey the will of Allah Ulama circulate the conference venues constantly and will always offer their impartial wisdom. You will recognise them by their beards.

Today is an historic occasion, marking as it does, a major step towards one of our long held ambitions – the creation of a single Civil Service Union. Few, if any, of todays motions will offer similarly dramatic opportunities but there are, nevertheless, some pertinent points to consider:

Motion 96 – Support – see Motion 97

Motion 97 – Support with reservations
The glaring omission is the demand for provision for Prayer Times. We trust the NEC will not forget to include this essential requirement in any negotiations.

Motion 66 - Support
Cuba is a long standing friend to Islam

Motions 67/68 – Oppose
Union Business should be restricted to the workplace. What goes on within the family is none of your business.

Motion 618 - Abstain
Nobody has a clue what this proposal will mean to the members. Conference Paper A does little to improve that situation. Most of us would rather wait for the English translation before making up our minds.

Motion 127 – Abstain/Oppose
Time waster. We pay good money for professional staff to take care of these issues and we have more important business to concern ourselves with.

Motion 128 – Support
Women should not hold high office in a modern trade union.

Motion 150 – OPPOSE REGARDLESS OF MANDATE
As implied by the title at the head of this page, the Islamic Left can see no place for Politics in the Workplace. If Religion was allowed its proper place, there would be no need for Politics.

Motion 165 - Oppose
Why waste hard earned members subscriptions when you already have the Umala to teach you all you need to know.

******************************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS

Probationery Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence.

Daily debriefing in The Fiddlers Elbow (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes.

Official Thermal Vests are now available from Senior Officers.
Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often.
Remember – we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Paradise.

The Web Page is now up and running at http//www.pflcpsa.nu and our email address is deepcover@pflcpsa.nu

From Palestine to Falconcrest from Southfork to Peru - One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

Be on the watch for the false prophets that come to you in sheep's covering, but inside they are ravenous wolves. By their fruits you will recognize them.
MATTHEW 7: 15-20 – Expanded McHugh

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Support for the return to annual conference is growing (Motion 368). Both Right Wing blocs are very worried. PETER LAMB was twisting arms all day - even telling TONY JARVIS (Newcastle Central) that he could disregard his branch mandate on this occasion in order to save their skins. He begged him to do the same in regard to motion 375 – which is intended to remove the Presidential right to withdraw motions from the conference agenda. JARVIS intends to go along with this, despite vociferous objections from other members of his delegation – including one SUE BRAYFIELD who has sent a complaint to the president and may attempt to raise a point of order. Unfortunately, as the president explained to senior members of the REVOLUTIONARY COMMAND COUNCIL, there’s not much he can do about it as it is strictly a matter for the branch. Jarvis will, of course, have to account for his actions to the membership on his return.

PCS, IPMS and the Engineering Managers Association are trying to set up a non-Labour bloc of affiliated unions to counter the influence of those they call the "robber barons" such as John Edmonds and Bill Morris. Leading light is PAUL NOONE, the general-secretary designate of IPMS, supported by TONY COOPER, former IPMS official and general secretary of the Engineering Managers Association. The aim is to counter-act the influence of unions affiliated to the Labour Party. RAMSBLADDER and SHELDON have been approached as well as key players in the ME FIRST faction.

It was packed out at the Morning Star rally last night. Some 25 ageing REDS turned up to hear yet another appeal for money to keep the paper going. Notables included TOM BERNIE, JOHN CLARKE, JULIAN DODD, CHRIS EASTERLING and of course NICK SHITE. CLARKE, late of this union, came down to Brighton in his 60 grand yacht, together with DODDS who is still complaining that the bogs aren’t working. The Boring Star, we were told, is the only English-language daily paper of the left in the world. It’s also got the lowest circulation of any daily in the world. NICK, who departs to work for the Star and Searchlight next Monday, is supplementing his meagre income by selling overpriced Cuban rum at £12 a bottle. Incidentally, none of the COMRADES ever bother to sell their rag at the Centre – they leave all that to the old codger hanging around outside with the two old boys from the SPGB.

Back at the Socialist Caucus rally over a hundred TROTS cheered and stomped whenever the name of DONELLAN was mentioned. The President has won them over by his fairness and strict adherence to Conference procedure unlike others they could mention. Their latest plan is a master-stroke – to try and get ME FIRST top-man PETER LAMB to run against RAMSBLADDER in the next general secretary race. There’s two flaws in this. First of all LAMB is too old. The second is there isn’t going to be an election.

BARRY and SHELDON get on like a house on fire. Largely, it seems, by avoiding each other as far as is humanly possible in the circumstances. Neither of them tell the other what they’re doing, where they’re going, who with or why. SHELDON was recently overheard asking BILL BRETT of the IPMS if he knew where BARRY was. He did.

Current NEC member SARAH JONES has a chequered past. She was heavily involved in the ANARCHIST "Stop the City" demonstrations in the early 80s. She may have been photographed throwing a BRICK at a copper. It may have appeared on the front page of the Evening Standard.

Another shade from the past emerged last night in the form of RAY ALDERSON or MR KIRK as he now styles himself. GEORGE LOBO, late of CPSA, is hanging around in the lobby manning the South Africa stall and so was ALF BURTMAN, who was still wearing the same cardigan he wore when he joined the service in 1937.
JIM DYE has demanded his tenner back from the SOCIALIST CAUCUS in anger at BATTLEMUCH leaving and getting this job with OXFAM. Speaking of whom, BATTLEMUCH claims he’s only on 18 grand. However, with all the extras its usually about 27k, but he’s keeping that quiet. Clearly positioning himself for a new market, BATTLEMUCH is now going around telling everyone that his real family name is BARTELLOMUCHI and that his family originally came from Italy. He doesn’t look much Italian does he? But Stephano claims the immigration officers couldn’t pronounce his name so they changed it to the very English name of BATTLEMUCH.

*******************************************************************************************

News from the smoke filled rooms
by Barrabas

Thanks to the interest created by our Probationary Hero SLYVIA PARASITE, we are able to bring you more allegories from the holocaust. Can’t be all that bad with the Union bunging the affected £400 a day as exes. (Makes you think dunnit. Thoughts like "where’s my lighter?") Needless to say, the loss adjusters weren’t going to wear a mega-claim for a bit of iffy TOM so, miraculously, her trinkets reappeared. We eagerly anticipate viewing them at the BALL tonight. There is no truth in the rumour that 200 pairs of shoes perished in the inferno and some believe that her Mercedes is safe in the underground car park. Astonishing though, are the numbers of lap-top computers allegedly consumed by the flames. Everyone must have had at least two each. The point is that these were MOD Departmental machines which are not generally issued for TU purposes, and questions will have to be answered on the troops return to barracks unless they can be replaced bloody fast…

SYLVIA LEWIS came down to breakfast at the OLD SHIP on Tuesday morning, the day of the fire, noted the commotion and asked "What’s going on?" She had slumbered on as 9 fire engines tore past her bedroom window, lights flashing and sirens wailing
.
Nice to see ghosts re-inventing themselves. GERRY SANTANGELLI, formerly of the BA SEC, former regional secretary etc, etc has been spied in his new guise of TRAINEE delegate.

At a recent Branch Officers school at Stoke Rochford, JIM UNDY was given the sobriquet HERR FLICK by the students. If this is the case, who does that make the fallen Madonna with the big…

Can we trust JOHN SHELDON? He told a PCS staff meeting that what the union needs to pull itself together is a major strike "but don’t tell anyone I said that".

The Annual General Meeting of PCS plc was held in Brighton this week in an atmosphere of controlled excitement at the prospects of continued growth for the enlarged corporation which followed the acquisition of PTC Ltd last year.

1998 has been a worrying year. The ripples of the Asia crisis have reached Falconcrest but shareholders were assured that the sound financial basis of the Group would guarantee survival through a lean period. The New Labour government presents new challenges and opportunities. However, its commitment to continue the previous government's policy towards the free market has reassured the industry and ensured a stable transition. The onset of the single European currency remains the most destabilising influence in the marketplace.
The joint Managing Directorship has proved surprisingly successful, as has the enlarged board. The Chief Executive, Mr Barry Reamsbottom, continues to enjoy the support of the Board. “This year has been one of spectacular success. Sacrifices have, naturally, had to be made as part of the normal process of restructuring,” he said. Several directors have agreed to retire prematurely including Mr Nicholas Shite and Lord Brooke. A special vote of thanks was given to Mrs Marion Chambers who relinquished the Chairmanship in favour of Mr Peter Donnellan and will be retiring next year.

Financial Director Mr Keith Mills FCA said that overall trading remained firm. But the Moderati label had suffered a slump in sales in the last financial year. Market repositioning is a priority. However, losses in this sector have been more than offset by the enhanced performance of the Me First brand.

The disposal of the assets of the Roy Lewis Partnership has fallen further behind schedule but no longer represent a significant drain on profits. Other loss-making ventures including Unity, hit by the loss of markets in the former Soviet Union and Mainstream, will be fully absorbed in 1999 with a net saving of 52 posts.
Deputy Financial Director Mr Dave Newlyn urged shareholders to ignore the disruptive antics of a small group of disaffected individuals led by Mr Christopher Baugh. Their misleading and ill-judged statements, no matter how well intentioned, could harm the market perception of the product.

Mrs Valerie Stansfield, Editor of the house magazine, was congratulated for doubling circulation during the first year of her tenure. Mr Martin Boyle was commended for his sterling work as Director of Shareholder services.
Mr James Undy, on behalf of the shareholders thanked the Board for their enterprising initiative and the business-like manner in which they have conducted their work over the past few months.

Much important business to get through today. What a shame we shall be wasting so much time listening to outsiders who have nothing to do with our business. Possibly half a dozen crucial motions could have been dealt with had it not been for these unwelcome intrusions.

By all means vote according to your Branch Mandate – even if you have been otherwise advised by Peter Lamb. Only holy edicts can countermand democracy and only one such edict is issued today. Nevertheless you may wish to consider the following points:

Motion 266 – yeh yeh. Whatever…

Motion 298 – Oppose
Unnecessary interference. Mrs Stansfield has practiced these principles all her working life. The Red Tape coverage was a model of balanced reporting.

Motion 336 - Support
All efforts to promote the mass conversion of unbelievers should be encouraged.

Motion 115 – SUPPORT REGARDLESS OF MANDATE
But it is a shame that an otherwise laudable resolution is spoilt by the inclusion of unnecessary religious sectarianism.

Motion 116 - Support
Turkey is a disgrace. It remains a secular state despite its clear majority of Moslems within the population.

Motion 117 – Oppose
5 years for Atheists is far too lenient. Life would have been more appropriate. Better still Death.

Motion 1 – Abstain
Haven’t we got more important things to discuss?

Motion 772 – Oppose
This policy would do nothing for the small businessman – who is the pillar of society.

Motion 368 – Support
Perhaps now others will see the wisdom of our long standing commitment to holding annual conference in Beirut.

****************************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS

Probationery Hero Status is duly awarded to SYLVIA PARRY-POOL for raising the first of what we trust will be many Points of Order to advertise our eternal presence. Sales rocketed accordingly. A shining example for others to follow. Congratulations. Particularly on finding your jewellery.

Daily debriefing in The Fiddlers Elbow (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes.

Official Thermal Vests are now available from Senior Officers.

Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often.

Remember – we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Paradise.
The Web Page is now up and running at http://www.pflcpsa.nu and our email address is deepcover@pflcpsa.nu

From Palestine to Falconcrest from Southfork to Peru - One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

Consider the lilies of the field. Aren’t they fucking amazing. Man, this is good shit.
MALCOLM 7: 15-20 – Revised Boomer

UNION BALLOT RIGGING SCANDAL
Threatens Honeymoon For New Union

Brighton Conference Centre, Southern England 11-27-1998

by our Labor Reporter

Breaking news at 9.00 this morning: We are getting reports that an investigation is under way concerning four of yesterday’s card votes. Whilst everyone is being tight lipped, we can confirm that a report has been sent to the NEC listing more than 20 incidents involving half a dozen branches and 4 card votes including – we understand - the crucial Centre Left victory vote on reinstatement of Annual Conference (Motion 368). A storm of controversy is bound to follow, given the narrow margin by which the motion passed the two thirds majority required for rule changes.

The alleged fraud involved the submission by the guilty branches of more than one of the tear off card votes for each of the motions they were trying to influence. Naively, it seems that the perpetrators didn’t understand that the technology used to count the card votes is fully capable of identifying duplications. In most cases they selected a card vote towards the middle or end of the pack in the hope that it wouldn’t be required for later votes.

In a number of cases three or four cards were submitted. As the cards are not color coded, the duplications weren’t detected by tellers and only emerged when the barcode reader picked them up. Ironically, the attempted fraud backfired completely as the vote counting software automatically discounts ALL the votes cast by a branch which ‘spoils’ their ballot.

The question on everyone’s lips this morning is whether the branches belonged to right or left wing factions. If they were from the left then the outcome was not affected as the majority was merely reduced. However, if the fraud was committed by right wing branches then there is an outside chance that they truly shot themselves in the foot as without the fraud they might actually have won. It will, of course, be very embarrassing for the right wing to challenge the result on the basis of cheating by their own players.

The Union bosses, here in Brighton, are, in any case, keen to avoid adverse publicity after an otherwise flawless first conference following last year’s merger. A spokesman played down the episode as "mistakes by people who should have known better."

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

The Centre was unusually packed for the final social. The cheery faces of the TROTS and ME-FIRSTERS, unlike those of the MODERATES, reflecting the joy of the victories during the day. Needless to say, the Abba ball was the usual dismal farce. Fifty minutes to get served by drunken barmen, tacky decorations and a voluble DJ summed up the celebration apparently organised by MARTIN BOYLE, who was nowhere to be seen (of course he wasn’t).

So Motion 368 on annual conference was passed - despite LAMB’S terror tactics - by a UNITED FRONT of TROTS, REDS, ME-FIRSTERS and dissident Moderati. TOADY JARVIS failed in his attempt to overturn it. The motion was carried 144,555 to 37,431 against. TOADY will have to go back to NEWCASTLE and justify his stand to the enraged members, spurred on by KEVIN McHUGH and DOREEN PURVIS.

What lives we live. New NEC member CAROL SCALES has been having a whale of a time knocking back the wine two glasses at a time at all the freebies reserved for the Chosen Few. She apparently crashed the Lawrence benefit do, refusing to pay for a ticket on the strength of her NEC card and acquaintance with Steve’s Dad. Eventually allowed in to avoid embarrassing scenes, she even refused to buy a raffle ticket.

Fifty year old batchelor BRYN HOLLYWELL has returned to Conference despite a continuing ban from union office for misappropriating union funds whilst a member of the NEC. In a previous incarnation, BRYN was Election Agent for disgraced ex-minister RON DAVIES, who, as far as we know, has never asked BRYN for drugs or sex.

GERALDINE MORRISON got into the Conference mood early during a Whitley round in London last week. Hoovering up the free vino at a Management junket, East Kilbride’s finest daughter proceeded to insult the entire company – which included the Head of Personnel and the FDA Chair – before kissing everyone in the bar and attempting (unsuccessfully) to wrap herself round the Head of Industrial Relations. She was then chucked out after trying to buy a round with a dud cheque. Attempting to hail a cab, she fell over while getting in and had to be dusted-off by a sympathetic Big Issue seller. GERALDINE then rounded off a magnificent performance by forgetting the name of her hotel and having to be found emergency accommodation on LEECH’S credit card. And all before 9.30 pm.

LEECH is furiously denouncing DONELLAN for not allowing him to bore Conference to death on the issue of debt relief. He claims to have done some actual research on the issue. We understand this amounted to nicking some of CLARE SHORT’S old speeches on the issue.

STUART CURRIE caused a degree of concern amongst colleagues in the Benefits Agency. Having finally been elected to a position of Organiser for the GEC, he promptly transferred to the Scottish Office where he suddenly turned up as Group President. We understand that this stitch-up involved the Scottish Officer MICHAEL McCANN. Poor old JOE COX is reported to be furious.

TOMMY THOMPSON, retired fixer and Corporate Trustee, has a high opinion of himself. He’s going round telling everyone that PETER DONELLAN "is only what I made him".

The process of privatisation moves on apace. CHRIS SANDILANDS (DNS Glasgow) wrote her turgid speech - on the return to national pay bargaining - on EDS headed notepaper.

But the lesson has not been learnt by the delegate from BA GLASGOW EAST who is desperate to get his name in the PFL but has failed to give us any MONEY.

The Pink Mafia are concerned that delegates thought it necessary to set fire to the ALBION in order to see some men in uniform. Darlings, this is BRIGHTON. These things can be arranged. Any delegate or NEC member for that matter seeking guidance on this matter may consult the Throne in the OAK.

******************************************************************************************

Things you say when you’re tired with a capital F

I’ve run out of paper – can you fax me some - Bronk

What’s Michael McCann’s first name? - Islam
Stevie - Bronk

But Quote of the Week goes to:

What do you think of Undy? Islam
Oh I call him "Jim C*nty" Keith Mills FCA

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

News from the Smoke Filled Rooms
by Barrabas

The only redeeming feature of the BALL last night was the glorious sight of Probationary Hero PARASITE’s recovered beads. Just as well that she got them back, cos word reaches us that the Hotel’s insurance doesn’t cover personal effects of guests. At least that’s not RALPH GROVES fault, for a change. Also, as they were booked in as individuals, not by PCS, the union’s insurance doesn’t appear to cover them either. BARRY’s favourite lawyer EMMA WILES, emergency airlifted down from Leeds, is doing her best under the circs to sort out the tangle. So, spare a thought for the poor sods with the uninsured fried laptops who had their holiday spoiled. And if anyone knows where it is, PCS Press Officer PAUL DYET would like his (insured) laptop returned to him. It was misappropriated from the PRESS TENT yesterday afternoon while he was being briefed by senior officers of the PFL.

Nice to see that 2 Inland Revenue branches have got the joke and are joining in with the fun. Although our favoured method of advertisement is the Point of Order, preferably moved as early as possible at Conference and repeated every morning, we have absolutely no objection to the use of a Petition (preferably addressed to someone important). However, we feel that it lacks the immediacy which we expect of our deep cover agents. Never mind. Help is at hand:

Revolutionary Command Council Field Communique:
FOR IMMEDIATE ACTION
All Cadres are hereby instructed to sign the IRSF Petition. The use of multiple silly aliases is approved.

COMRADE RAY ALDERSON, being chased around by CHRIS KIRK on his pager (yes, she’s got him electronically tagged) gives his reason for being against a return to annual conference as his liver not being up to it every year. He also gave his reason for voting against the "get rid of Barry motion": it’s cheaper to sack Reamsbottom, get taken to an Industrial Tribunal, lose, and pay Barry the maximum compensation – 15 grand. Job done. Nice and cheap. Saves the member’s subs. Easy. Are you listening, Jim?

FREE T-SHIRT OFFER
Collect 4 PFL Eagles and Email to tshirt98@pflcpsa.nu along with your credit card details.
We will relieve your Card account of £10.00 post and packing and Email your TSHIRT straight back to you.
Please allow 28 years for delivery.

************************************************************************************************************

A week of much progress and honest endeavour. Yesterday’s stunning victory in favour of Annual Conference marked a turning point in the fortunes of the Islamic Left. Rarely have our interventions been so effective. Only a couple of hours to go, delegates, so let us ensure that the week finishes with nothing to spoil a record of outstanding achievement.

Mr Donellan is to be particularly congratulated for the impartial manner in which he dealt with all conference issues. His fatwa on branch mandates was particularly telling. What a difference it makes having a man at the helm.

Not much significant business remains, so why not take the opportunity to stroll along the seafront and buy sticks of Brighton rock for the wife and family. Just one or two issues require guidance:

Motion 683 – Oppose
Typical support for freeloaders from the godless

Motion 684 – Oppose
It is important to inculcate the work ethic in our youth at the earliest opportunity. They clearly won’t work if they don’t have to.

Motion 687 – Oppose
More atheist claptrap. It is regrettable but necessary to curb the excesses of the infidels with all the power of the state so that decent god fearing people can walk the streets without undue fear. Were we living under the Sharia, matters would, of course, be different and greater tolerance would be possible.

Motion 560 – Oppose
A dying kick from the leftists. Seeking to turn back the clock and undo much of the solid progress made in the field of industrial relations over the last 20 years. Treat it with the contempt it deserves

********************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS

BiBi Conference and Well Done. You’ve made it to the end of the week without bloodshed. They said it couldn’t be done.

Usual Thankyou’s to Agents Deep and Wide (Newcastle Central), Islam, Bronk, Apollo and Picasso. Welcome return of Special Agent Headbanger. Thanks also to ANTHONY at PRONTAPRINT in Hove – who has performed his usual impeccable print job under harrowing conditions.

And Thankyou Conference, for your continued support and relentless apathy.

Just Two Official Thermal Vests are still available from Senior Officers.

Final Donations are still required to defray the weeks’ expenses
The following is merely a suggested guide to the price of your indulgences:

Conference Delegates £5
Observers and Trainee Delegates £1
Full Time Officers £10 ono
Presidents and Senior Full Time Officers 10%
Conference may be over for a year or so, but the Popular Front lives on. You can keep track on what really goes on behind the scenes by bookmarking our Web Page at http://www.pflcpsa.nu You can submit information – entirely confidentially/anonymously by sending an email to deepcover@pflcpsa.nu
Speaking of which, Back Issues can be downloaded from the web at any time. This weeks’ communiques will be available by around December 8th (give us a week or so to html them and transfer webwards)

From Palestine to Falconcrest from Southfork to Peru - One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

You probably all missed this in your rush to get away from Brighton, but don't worry, it will put in an appearance at Blackpool 2000: