THE POPULAR FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF CPSA
FREEDOM! UNITY! SOCIALISM!
REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!
Monday's Communique is really to bring the paperheads up to speed with what they've been missing on the net, but you'll probably see it here first. Don't forget your T-Shirt. Only a tenner. And regular and generous solidarity donations from those at Blackpool, please. It helps defray printing (and internet) costs. It's safe this year to give dosh to the old codger with the walking stick, beard and appalling snuff habit - he is not drinking, so most of the funds should get to us. Cheques made payable to PFLCPSA please, and no duds - we know where you live and that you pick your nose when you're browsing.
MEET THE NEW BOSS
. Total NEC votes for the factions - excluding the President Moderati - 19 ME1ST - 18 LUnity - 5 Unity - 1 Left independent - 1 Right independent -1
How this doesn't work
In recent votes 3 ME1STers and the right independent have been unreliable for ME1ST against the Moderati. Left Unity now holds the balance of power between the two warring right wing factions and ME1ST cannot proceed against the ModR8s without Left Unity. On some issues the Mods plus ME1ST defectors could even outpoll everyone else by 1 vote. Left Unity is not known to favour Barry.
ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot
While some of us spent Easter pondering on the Meaning of the Cross, lesser brethren in the high-grades camp spent the holiday weekend plotting to crucify BARRY for his latest blunder -- the despatch of the Moderati election list using the Falconcrest mailing list. Though the GREAT SCOT had no choice -- his once much-vaunted election machine is in tatters -- he's played into the hands of DONNELLAN, who is determined to get their pound of flesh for them this time.
RAMSBLADDER can live with having to put his name alongside SHELDON on the members' circular condemning this abuse of privilege. How he will react to the threat of disciplinary action against any full-timer found guilty of obtaining the addresses or the menace of prosecution under the Data Protection Act is another matter. Naturally no one is going to go willingly to face the wrath of ME FIRST and the Assorted Trots, but UNDY has his list and he is a very determined man.
This won't stop the unholy alliance from seriously moving to hasten BARRY'S departure to pastures new. The problem is, who can take his place? In the most extreme scenario, RAMSBLADDER is ousted either through a forced early GS election or dismissed by NEC vote for not carrying out agreed decisions. This would involve a major compensation payout but some of the high-castes now think this is a price well worth paying to see the back of him and his cronies. Sheldon, some hope, would then hold the ring, marking time until his own retirement, until a substitute can be found. Which brings us back to the first question.
The only Falconcrest trusty in the ME FIRST camp would be LANNING but many of the high-castes are suspicious of his former left past. This doesn't trouble UNDY who committed similar youthful excesses but most of his followers hate him anyway and in any case he has no ambitions for full-time glory. DONNELLAN openly talks about the need to look outside the union for a successor -- but where from? A new GS will have to be elected -- which no wannabee will relish unless absolutely certain of the outcome, and that can never be guaranteed.
If BARRY were sacked next month he could stand again and who, apart from one of the two old TROTS still in harness at Falconcrest would want to face the vicious election campaign that would follow. But will this be enough to save the BOSS, as he was once known by his crawlers, in the months to come. Only time will tell.
We were all glad to see our old chum NICK SHITE on the telly last week now resurrected as the London District organiser of the Commissar Party of Britain. He appeared in a brief local London news item on the fringe candidates in the London election, canvassing for Commissar votes in London's Docklands, a well-known Red area and home to Lord Owen amongst others. His comment that there were still communists around including many civil servants is doubtless a reference to the clapped-out old has-beens on the payroll at Falconcrest that BARRY tried to weed out without success last year, and those with newly created sinecures in Scotland.
Meanwhile former PFL heroine AMANDA FRANKENSTEIN captured the headlines once again following her heroic action on a packed Thameslink commuter train last month. The delectable AMANDA, now married to FRANK CAMPBELL, and happily working for MSF, led an angry mob into the first-class compartment when they found they couldn't board the 9.45 to London Bridge. They pushed the guard aside -- a hapless jobsworth who bleated that they could only enter if they paid the full first class fare PLUS the penalty -- and bravely stood in the corridor until reaching their destination. Of course ESSEX MAN does this all the time, forcing the Southend to Fenchurch St line to scrap the upper-class altogether in the Eighties. And AMANDA, who edits the MSF rag, may have embarrassed her masters, not realising that first-class compartments are reserved for the likes of fat-cat directors and general secretaries who can't park their Jags in town.
On Sunday morning in the Winter Gardens coffee lounge, a troop of veterans from the Parachute Regiment, most of whom last saw service in Arnhem, were to be seen lurking around suspiciously eying PCS delegates. We can scotch rumours that they were about to secure Blackpool Airport just in case Ramsbladder needs to make a quick exit.
Keith Hagger (MoD Wynton) on Richard De Lange (MoD Group President) "That's the first time I've seen a knob with ears on it."
Col. Harding (MoD PFLCPSA) on the MoD seminar "It was bizarre - kinda like a re-run of a `60's cookery programme with the Cradocks, only dyslexic - a lot of Johnny but not much Fanny."
Lionel Welch on Conference in Blackpool "The trouble with this town is that there are too many lampposts and not enough piano wire."
Although not the sharpest tool in the box, CURRY realised that just inserting the word "allegedly" does not protect you from the entreaties of M'Learned friends and therefore you have to be able to provide evidence to support those allegations - even if your readership is only 3, and they followed the link from the PFL.
Taking into account the Dr Laurence Godfrey .vs. Demon Internet case which (although settled out of court) found that in the UK the Internet Service Provider is liable, as publisher, for articles on the web our litigious hero e-mailed the service provider UK Fantastic Ltd and threatened to sue them straight away if they didn't suspend the site immediately.
UK notbeingquitesofantastictoitsclient promptly bottled and whipped the site off the net and undertook not to republish it without Curries consent. This is an unheard of achievement for the Moderati lardarse - Chair of the ME1ST editorial committee, with power of veto, at the first attempt. With this sort of entryism the Moderati will not have need of a website of their own.
Following a flurry of increasingly desperate emails from ME1ST which they deny, Curry magnanimously agreed that they could have their toy back subject to the following requirements: the retraction and apology (written by Curry) will remain on the site until at least 16:00 Monday 15th May 2000 as the first item in the latest news link (thus avoiding it being buried with more "latest news").
Curry insists the reason for this is that "many of the people who will have read the initial material will access it again on the first day of the PCS National Conference and therefore be "put straight" on the allegations that were made." His words. We believe him. Allegedly. For those keen on regurgitation, follow one of the links on our homepage to view the grovelling apology. This is your last chance.
Meanwhile, the usual bribe is on offer for information relating to where and how the Moderati obtained their mailing list. News is reaching us that PCS auditors have discovered prima-facie evidence of misuse of PCS data and that an "independent" audit will now be carried out. Ramsbladder has reluctantly had to agree to this, but of course, the findings will not be made public until after Conference (if they ever see the light of day). It is not yet clear who is going to pick up the tab for this rather pointless spear waving - if Keef Who, Dave Nobody or Poo-Bah are watching - make sure it's not the poor bloody member who picks up the bill.
Now. Mailing lists. Hands up anyone in PCS who, along with the imaginatively named The Magazine, does not also receive piles of junk mail. And not just with the moribund mag - PCS must have flogged your name to just about every sharky loan company and iffy life assurance company on the planet. So, ME1ST getting sniffy about the Moderati apparently having access to your mailing address could be seen as sour grapes cos they didn't think of it first. However, if the remit of the independent audit is extended to identify who properly should have access to the mailing list and for precisely what purposes it can be used, and the members properly informed as to what these rules are, then little misunderstandings should not occur in future....
Probationary Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence. Daily debriefing in The STANLEY (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes. Official T-Shirts are now available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10. Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often. Cash preferred, but cheques made payable to PFLCPSA are acceptable, backed by a current cheque guarantee card. It's safe this year to give donations to the bearded chap with the walking stick, Oxfam suit and appalling snuff habit - he's not drinking. Remember - we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Paradise.
FROM CHECHNYA TO FALCONCREST - ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT. REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!
And I turned myself to behold wisdom, and madness, and folly: for what can the man do that cometh after the king? Even that which hath already been done.
ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot
Sunday nights at Conferences past have always held their share of stories about the shenanigans of delegates new to the regime of getting drunk/shagged/arrested etc and it saddens the PFL to report the goings on of those who should know better. Following details obtained from our website (http://www.members.tripod.com/pflcpsa/) the Caledonian contingent led by DONNY McINTYRE and MARTIN BOYLE (PERCY to his friends) invaded FUNNY GIRLS, a transvestite/transsexual haunt. BOIL and DONKEY, having partaken of the brown lemonade were so taken by the "turns" that when it was time for them to leave, our intrepid pair headed unsuccessfully for the stage door, vowing to "shag the lot o' them, Ahm no' bothered whit they are!" before being advised otherwise by four large gentlemen wearing dinner jackets.
And the National Standing Orders Committee should know better. Around midnight, JIM HANSON, the NSOC Sec received a frantic phone call from the Winter Gardens. They had managed to get themselves locked in. When he'd managed to stop laughing, BASIL promptly delegated the matter to HUGE PLANNING, who has much experience of cock-ups - usually of his own making. After much deliberation, PCS' POO-BAH (Lord High Everything Else) decided to ring the Police, who had to go along and break in to release the dimwits.
Inland Revenue suits, holed up for the duration in the DE VERE HOTEL, which boasts Jacuzzi and golf courses en suite and a cup of tea costs a weeks subs held one of their annual slap-on-the-back barbecues, primarily to dish out gongs to each other for 21 years service. Why 21 is anybodies guess. DAVE NOBODY is believed to organise the finances for the loaves and fishes and lashings of ginger beer. These do's are traditionally happy clappy affairs, with long eulogies to their friends etc for making it all happen for them. The recipients of this years awards included GRAHAM BEDCHAMBER (has BELCHERS really been annoying us for that long?) GRAHAM STEEL and TED EUERS. TED'S acceptance speech in praise of BERNIE WILLIAMS and TIM THORPE was met with a stony silence.
Speaking of THROPE, the poor lad is in reduced circumstances, staying at the HILTON at the staff rate of £15 b&b cos his wife works for them. He is here as a trainee delegate. He used to be on the NEC and was the CPSA Contributions Group Chair. And a previous National Vice Presidential candidate. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
Mondays' MORNING STALINIST carried a whole page interview of EL PRESIDENTE by one NICK SHITE, late of this parish, clearly done before the GREAT MAN was re-elected. A whole page of tripe with the exception of one historic quote "You don't get many people voting for unending strife and conflict, do you?" Oh yes you do! Every time PCS has an election.
Serbian hard-liner MIKE VERIC (aka SLOBADAN MIKOKYABIC) who happens to be Col. HARDING's Branch Chair approached the West Midlands Regional Officer and politely insisted that MoD Sutton Coldfield should be ethnically cleansed and become part of his Branch. When the hapless hack started umming and arring, SLOBBO called him a Serbian word which translates as a part of a womans genitalia and threatened to give him a good kicking. HARDING and HAGGER have announced that they are "untouchables" for the duration of their annual holiday (conference). They are being minded throughout by a black woman whose name we can't spell and a loud, predatory gay called JONATHON whose party trick is to whip his plonker out at the slightest provocation. He also plays rugby, so you don't argue. If you see them drinking in your hotel bar, you are advised to check the fire precautions. Remember Brighton '98.
by Kim Philby
The SOCIALIST PARTY in PCS issued a dreadful leaflet on Monday accusing the Moderati of issuing NAKED RED SCARE propaganda to members at their home addresses and went on to describe RICHARD LITTLEJOHN of the SUN as a political hack who supports them. When pressed on this latter, RAMSBLADDER nearly choked and told our reporter "You must be fucking joking. Did you see what he wrote? I haven't spoken to the bastard for years!"
We don't suppose many of you read the article(?) but it seems that the sky on Mr Littlejohn's planet is of a different colour. We especially liked the bit of nonsense about that nice black woman whose name we can never remember.
Richard Littlejohn article - The Sun - Friday 5 May
"While the mobsters were smashing up Whitehall, the forces of darkness were at work on the inside. A sinister alliance of Trots and ex-Communists is planning to seize control of the 270,000-strong Public and Commercial Services Union, which has members in key positions in government departments. They are the same people responsible for crippling industrial action in the civil service in the late 80s and early 90s, including the strike in the passport office, which ruined thousands of people's holidays. Now they are making a comeback. They are plotting to oust the moderate general secretary, Barry Reamsbottom, and lock him out of his office. And they are banking on a low turn-out in the union's election to take control. The ballot for the PCSU executive runs until next Friday. Civil servants can thwart the coup if they vote for the slate of candidates headed by Pauline Abrams, the black 31-year-old mother of two, who is braving a vicious left-wing smear campaign and standing as president. The barbarians are already at the gate. Civil servants must ask themselves if they want them running riot in the corridors of power, too."
Enough of that, back to the SOCIALIST PARTY aka LUNITY who, whilst slagging off their comrades UNITY for not getting into bed with them on a common slate and programme, concluded that PCS has two right wings! Is this the grand plan - the PCS biplane? PFL currently does not have an artist in residence, but would be keen to see designs for such an incredible machine, if any of you has a diseased mind and nothing better to do.
NEWS FROM THE SMOKE FILLED ROOMS
UNDY scowled and looked shifty, so no change there - he is a worried man - today sees the moving of the anti BARRY motion A195, the odious UNDY's transparent ploy to remove the man he sees as a threat. UNDY has given the job of moving the motion to the Branch Sec ALAN SHUTE, a known TROTBUSTER who also happens to be the Godfather of JAYSON SLOSS's child. DROSS, another bloody Scot, is also RAMSBUM's best mate (of sorts). Should make for an interesting speech if DROSS manages to switch the notes.
McCANN was there, on his best behaviour - vertical, and telling anyone who'd listen that the TROTS would never allow the Glasgow office to close, in spite of losing the reference back on motion 401, and how REILLY gets £52,000 a year and all he wants is a little parity, and dabbing at the corner of his eyes with a serviette.
TONY GALLAGHER was putting them away as if each drink might be his last, which it might, after he pranged a PCS official car he was driving whilst pissed, and then did a runner. However, Inspector Knacker has now caught up with him. JOHN BILLOUIN (aka crooner JOHNNY SANDS aka the man with the collapsible undercarriage) emerged from his crypt and thankfully did not produce any of his dog-eared signed photos. He looks just the same as he did when he retired 10 years ago! Special mention must go to DANNY WILKINS of HAMILTONS, who having partaken of refreshment, kicked over AGENT BRONKO's glass of coke, and offered him another with the prophetic words "It's OK, I'll pay!" He will.
Have a look at the cover of your motions booklet. Now why is there a picture of a WREN on it? This is not a Customs uniform. PFL Agents have been struck by the similarity between the PCS logo and a nearly identical one owned by the company PHS. Could they be related? How much did PCS pay for it? You will see the PHS logo adorning condom machines. The ideas these advertising Johnnies have!
Probationary Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence. Lunchtime debriefing in The STANLEY (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes in the Winter Gardens. Official T-Shirts are now available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10. The PCS Blackpool Rock substitute Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often. Cash preferred, but cheques made payable to PFLCPSA are acceptable, backed by a current cheque guarantee card. It's safe this year to give donations to the bearded chap with the walking stick, Oxfam suit and appalling snuff habit - he's not drinking. Remember - we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Paradise. And guarantee a Communiqué tomorrow. Will fix website formatting too.. The Websites are up and running, current stuff at http://www.members.tripod.com/pflcpsa/ and our archive site is at http://www.pflcpsa.freeserve.co.uk/ we can be emailed to Barrabas@ic24.net the news is updated on a regular basis.
FROM BLACKPOOL TO PERU - ONE FIGHT! REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!
`Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'
THE WARM THRILL OF CONFUSION...
NEWS FROM THE SMOKE FILLED ROOMS
The ME1ST stitch-up on the Constitutional Amendments worked. The decision to put RAMSBLADDER up to speak on motion 192 was designed to ensure that any floating delegates got so pissed off with him that they'd vote for any motion to shut the Scottish windbag up. At the first NEC after conference ME1ST will propose to ballot on Motion 195 supported by Unity and LUnity. The MODERATI and their allies will produce M'Learned friends opinion that the Amendment failed to amend all the relevant rules and that therefore not to declare RAMSBUM sole GS on the retirement of SHELDON would be a breach of rule and of contract. If that is ignored, the next year will be spent in court action which BLADDER will win. The likely actual outcome - the NEC will decide to dump the amendment and by the time the next conference takes place in 2002, BARRY will have been in his rightful position for 6 months as General Secretary for life.
Astonishingly, the grovelling apology for accusing the Moderati of theft which CURRY insisted remain on ME1STs website until 16.00hrs on Monday is still there. Yet more incompetence from their webmaster, who has already had his pocket money stopped for a month and his Pokemon cards confiscated. For those of you who can't be bothered to browse over to their site for a giggle - here's the text.
Retraction of allegations towards the National Moderate Group Following the publication of a news story on this web site ( www.PCS-MembershipFirst.ukf.net ), with regard to the National Moderate Group and PCS data, we wholly retract the allegations made in the article. At the time the material was published there were no substantiated grounds for the accusations made and we apologise for any inconvenience that may have been caused. Membership First
EDDIE SPENCE gets married on 27th May at Sherfield on Lodden near Basingstoke. The BECKHAM style wedding will be attended by many worthies and even low-lifes like McHUGH will be there. Best man is STEVE FARLEY who masterminded the recent stag night held in Liverpool. No women were invited, much to the chagrin of MADAM PURVIS, but STEVE CAWKWELL complained about the sexist language and behaviour of the rabble and sat in the corner and sulked all night.
Delegates from MoD West Midlands were enlightened to discover that a spatula isn't as mundane an implement as they thought when the lunatic, aggressively gay JONATHON SHIPMAN spent 20 minutes posing in the delegation hovel sporting said spatula shoved halfway up his chocolate starfish shouting "Anyone for beans on toast?" SHITMAN also mistook SARAH JONES (MoD Veep) for a bloke at the BA bash on Monday. Unsurprisingly she spurned his advances.Also at the BA social was LYNN CASTON (IR NICO) who overdanced after taking strong spirit and broke her ankle.
Conference performance of the week so far goes to CAROL POPPLEWELL whose staged tear ran down her cheek during the disability debate, or maybe that was due to thoughts of being back behind the counter on Monday.
Members of the newly formed IDKIDCAWGAFA ( I Don't Know, I Don't Care And Who Gives A Fuck Anyway) group in PCS decided that Conference wasn't really for them and exited to the Alcohol Information Centre in Church St. where they received counselling eg. there is a pub in Blackpool called SCRUFFY MURPHYS which opens at 10.30am. Anyone wishing to join this radical group should contact HALFPENNY, HARDING, NEILSON or DOCHERTY.
The black woman whose name we couldn't spell turns out to be PATRICA whose other claim to fame was to refuse to sell a ticket to a delegate for the EQUALITY beano on the grounds that he was "Ugly and boring".
JOHN MACREADIE failed to attend the LUnity meeting last night as he was at ANFIELD for the Celtic v Liverpool match. Left Unity not being a matter of life and death.
WHO WE ARE
The Popular Front for the Liberation of the CPSA has been in existence for 22 years and is a democratic and open organisation which supports no political faction within PCS but fights to expose manoeuvering and hypocrisy wherever they occur and from whichever clique. We also keep a close eye on how the members subs are (mis)spent. We fight for the following list of demands. Note that our earlier demands have been met in whole or in part.
Replacement of the NEC with a Revolutionary Command Council
The abolition of all forms of balloting and its replacement with the Popular Will of the Masses (Also applies to "electoral colleges")
Conference to be held in a place beginning with "B" (transitional demand met in full)
Biennial Delegate Conference to be held in Beirut
One Civil Service Union (partially met)
Full support for the Islamic Left
Return the Albanian gold (met)
End the stranglehold of the Catholic Action group
Replace Whitleyism with armed struggle
No alcohol to be consumed while Conference is in session, or at all
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her 'Government'. We take care of your needs, so we'll all you 'The People'. We'll call the maid 'The Working Class', and your baby brother we can call 'The Future.' Do you understand, Son?" Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it". That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is". Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit".
By Dr. Mengele
The following Benefits Agency personnel have been selected for experimentation: DONNY McINTYRE: Appalling dandruff. Head and Shoulders does work, Donny JOHN FREEMAN (BA Worksop): Bad case of Conference arse by Tuesday PAUL DEVENE (The Wookie from BA Telford) Use of Grecian 2000 which is not Y2K compliant.
STORMY SCENES AT PCS plc AGM -
There were stormy scenes at the opening of the PCS plc AGM in Blackpool this week with dissident shareholders jubilant at gaining five seats on the new Board amid rumours of a new struggle about erupt over the direction of the trouble-torn conglomerate.
Mr Leon Baugh, veteran leader of the dissident shareholders Left Unity bloc, pledged his supporters to act responsibly on the new board. His five directors, all former managers of Mendicant Wholesalers, taken over in the 90s and now trading under the Left Unity label, may hold the balance on a board bitterly divided over the future of their CEO and the direction of the corporation.
President Peter Donnellan maintains that the combination of low risk and fix income appeals to shareholders. This is especially true today in the face of volatile global equity markets. But shareholders are faced with a dilemma. The two enemies of the market, higher interest rates and inflation are looming large in the personal services industry, the most popular market for the newly merged PCS corporation. Doubts about Britain's entry into the Euro persist and the strong pound has hit PCS's export market.
This underlines the demand made increasingly vocally by sales director James Undy, in charge of Me First services, PCS plc's most lucrative operation. Undy argues that PCS can only guarantee its share of an increasingly competitive market by going for one corporate image in the global market. He wants to scrap the Moderati label and market all PCS services under the Me First logo. This would not lead to any serious redundancies. All Moderati executives would be given new positions in a completely unitary structure. Of course there would have to be some rationalisation. The loss-making "Big & Fat" Scottish chain of gentlemen's outfitters would be closed but B & F directors Martin Boyle, Stuart Currie and Paul Smith would be guaranteed retirement packages comparable to the one being drawn up for Chief Executive Officer Barry Reamsbottom.
Mr Undy points to the success of the Roy Lewis Partnership, now back in the black following the ruthless closure of Dim Left enterprises. Mr Donnellan, talking to Nick Shite in the influential financial daily, The Boring Star, said he was confident shareholders would back his proposal that PCS's top job - currently occupied by Mr Reamsbottom and his assistant John Sheldon - be filled with an election in two years time. Mr Donnellan is confident shareholders will back him in a membership ballot. For him, it's an issue of democracy and accountability. There will be considerable resistance to these progressive and dynamic ideas.
Mr Reamsbottom and many of the Moderati directors are opposed to any change. They claim the Undy plan will confuse consumers and lead to a dramatic slump in sales. Nor do they see the need for major executive changes. Mr Reamsbottom told the press on Monday that he was not interested in any golden handshake and he is rumoured to be taking legal advice. Whether he can convince the Board is another matter.
A Barry Reamsbottam dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Ramsbottoms in heaven." "What?" exclaims the Ramsbottom, astonished. "You heard, no Ramsbottoms." "But, but, but, I've been a good man",replies the Ramsbottom. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I gave 10 pounds to a homeless person". "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Popular Front." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the Ramsbottom in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it -Administratium. Administratium has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It has, however, 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. They are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium hass a half-life of approximately three years. However, it does not decay in the usual way, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganisation some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the Critical Morass.
Probationary Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence. Lunchtime debriefing in The STANLEY (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes in the Winter Gardens. Official T-Shirts are now available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10. The PCS Blackpool Rock substitute Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often. Cash preferred, but cheques made payable to PFLCPSA are acceptable, backed by a current cheque guarantee card. It's safe this year to give donations to the bearded chap with the walking stick, Oxfam suit and appalling snuff habit - he's not drinking. Remember - we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Paradise. And guarantee a Communiqué tomorrow. The Websites are up and running, current stuff at http://www.members.tripod.com/pflcpsa/ and our archive site is at http://www.pflcpsa.freeserve.co.uk/ we can be emailed to Barrabas@ic24.net the news is updated on a regular basis. Unlike some other websites.
FROM KOSOVO TO ZIMBABWE - ONE FIGHT! REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!
And he that betrayed him, gave them a sign, saying: Whomsoever I shall kiss, that is he, hold him fast.
THE BIG ISSUE
ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot
Consternation in the MODERATI camp that their failure to distribute any bulletins this year has led to some Branches getting off message. The line on 202 on Tuesday should have been to support as their higher mathematicians worked out that by combining their efforts across the constituency they're guaranteed a 4/5 bloc on the NEC for life.
We too have missed Barry's traditional perorations on the subject of "TROUNCE THE TROTS". So why didn't the MODR8s issue anything? For one reason, they'd already warned of the RED MENACE in their now notorious mailing to all members and for another, there is little point in winding up the few stray TROTS who accidentally found their way onto the NEC, when he needs their votes against the ME1ST cadre. And there's the rub: No point in having a pop at ME1STs policies - you can hardly put a fag paper between MODERATI and ME1ST policies - the differences are all personality based, and it would be very brave to put out abusive literature against the very people who have recently been embarrassed by your part in shutting down their website (incidentally, the grovelling apology is still on their website, but strangely, the election results are not. Whatever happened to New Technology?). It is truly a wise man who keeps his own counsel.
Of course, they probably couldn't afford to issue their daily RED SCARE, after all, their recent mailing must have cost in excess of £55,000. No, we didn't put the dot in the wrong place. Can't see MARION dipping into her retirement fund for this amount, so who paid? Some are even suggesting that it was funded by the far right FREEDOM ASSOCIATION, who certainly have enough cash. This might explain the provenance of the LITTLEJOHN article. And what, if anything, were the funders of this little escapade given (or promised) in return?
McINALLY's speech moving EM12 which denounced amongst other things unadvertised appointments and unauthorised loans will undoubtedly be prayed in aid at a continuing ET case in Scotland. MICK McCANN is rubbing his hands; others are rubbing their eyes. Wasn't REILLY relocated to Caledonia at the members expense?
We are reliably informed that CAROL POPPLEWELL will not be back behind the counter on Monday - she is to be allowed to work from home. That's nice, put out to the green, green grass of home. We keep thinking JOHN BILLOUIN'S left us alone but the bugger keeps turning up at conference even though no-one tells him where and when it is. What some people will do for a free drink.
Meanwhile, uncertainty looms for the future of JIM (BASIL) HANSON. He can't continue being Secretary to the NSOC for the next 2 years, and his customary response to questions about his job description - "I do as I'm told" - is not sustainable. Possible resolutions could include making him a gofer to HUGE PLANNING. After all, the two great functionaries deserve each other.
Sincere Congratulations, of course, to WEBMASTER RUNSWICK, not for his turgid LUNITY website but for the delicious malice with which he prevented MAID MARION receiving her long service medal. Even we hadn't thought of that one. No tears for Marion though as she takes up her new career as a part time roundabout on the Watford bypass.
Can anyone guess which Senior Full Timer booked a holiday without ensuring his passport was still valid? Step forward FRANK CAMPBELL, who has responsibility for er.the Passport Agency.
The only professional LUVVY in the PCS, one TONY CHURCH (BA Leics) has already had six weeks special leave this year in pursuit of his MA (Performing Arts) at De Montfort University (sounds much better than "Leicester Poly" dunnit).
JOHN SHELDON has already confided to close colleagues that this is the "Best Conference I've attended for years". Hardly surprising given the stick that BARRY's getting.
Probationary Hero Status has been authorised for the female delegate from BIRMINGHAM BA who managed to have sex on the Beach on Wednesday Night - despite the Wind and Rain. Now thats dedication. The lucky lad unfortunately remains ineligible for similar recognition as he was not, alas, one of us. He was apparently a Social Worker (the "ist" is deliberately omitted) supposed to be on duty looking after a bunch of kids. So, we have the story. All that remains is for an appropriate deep throat to provide us with Emma's name and we shall have it up on the website by tomorrow morning.
Could someone please tell that nice black woman whose name we can never remember - you know the one. Richard Littlejohn thinks she's going to save us from a fate worse than Trots. Yeah. Her. Anyway - someone needs to coach her on scripted speechmaking. Tell her "JR" is short for "junior" and stuff like that. Now who's got the training to teach her how to deal with Scripts? Why doesn't someone give her Tony Church's mobile number?
We'd like to sneer properly in the direction of the two naive delegates from IR WATFORD who are staying at the INGLEDENE. But we don't have their names. (Just can't get the staff these days) Apparently its come as a bit of a surprise to them that Full Time Officers of the Union sometimes make light with "la verite"; Even perhaps tell the occasional PORKY. (If there's one major benefit to the big screen, it must be that it does make it so much easier to see when they're lying - you can see their lips moving.) Remember - the only source you can trust is the PFL. Only we tell the truth, the unvarnished truth and nothing but the truth. Usually.
The NEWCASTLE 8 remembrance knees-up at the GROSVENOR was a subdued affair this year. When gatecrashed at around midnight by two Senior PFL Officers expecting them to be halfway through McWHO's amended version of THE BLAYDON RACES for the 73rd time, the GEORDIES were moribund. The high spot of the evening was admiring MYRTYN JYNKYNS latest snaps.
FALLEN AGENTS The last few months has taken a heavy toll on some of our deepest cover agents - whose identity can now be safely revealed. Please raise your glasses for Messrs BILL KENDALL, SEAN OBRIEN and MAGGIE WITHAM all of whom are hereby entered in the PFL hall of merit and invested in the Peoples Order of Spalax Spalacidae.
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
PLATO: For the greater good.
Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics
The Islamic Left is also on holiday this week.
Probationary Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence. Lunchtime debriefing in The STANLEY (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes in the Winter Gardens. Official T-Shirts are now available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10. The PCS Blackpool Rock substitute! Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often. Cash preferred, but cheques made payable to PFLCPSA are acceptable, backed by a current cheque guarantee card. It's safe this year to give donations to the bearded chap with the walking stick, Oxfam suit and appalling snuff habit - he's not drinking. Remember - we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Cyberspace. And guarantee that when you finally ask your kids to look us up on the net, we'll be there for you. The Websites are up and running, current stuff at http://www.members.tripod.com/pflcpsa/ and our archive site is at http://www.pflcpsa.freeserve.co.uk/ we can be emailed to Barrabas@ic24.net and the news is updated on a regular basis. Unlike some other websites.
FROM FALCONCREST TO CYBERSPACE - ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT! REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY.com!
Acts 7:52: Which of the prophets have not your fathers persecuted? and they have slain them which shewed before of the coming of the Just One; of whom ye have been now the betrayers and murderers: BP(KJV)
"I will return and I will be millions" Eva Peron
And that was it for the biennium, except for our Post Conference Roundup coming soon, and of course our regular bulletins. See you all in Brighton 2002. THE "A" TEAM
THIS YEAR'S T-SHIRT DESIGN