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ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot - Easter 2002

There's an uneasy lull in the trenches as the troops mull over their file to vote on an Armistice Agreement which is no better than the terms that were rejected six months ago. The Pathfinders hope for a close vote but fear the worst. The Moderati think this is their big break and Me First and Lunity ponder on how to turn electoral victory out of defeat.

STUART "peace at any price" CURRIE is in his cups. The chief Moderati Quisling is going around saying I told you so oblivious to the fact that many see him and his followers as the chief architects of defeat. Me First, never fully committed to victory, are relieved at the prospect of the end of fighting. Many of their top brass had no enthusiasm for the battle - some of them actually agreed with the screenless office ideas and probably helped devise the crackpot scheme in the first place.

Lunity is divided. GODRICH has thrown in the towel. SERWOTKA is keeping mum realising his own impotence and the generals are full of defeatism. But on the frontline some Socialist Party and SWP cadres want to fight on and keep their credibility with the rank and file.

Back at Chateau Falconcrest the faction leaders are plotting their next moves. FATTY CURRIE has launched his campaign with his greedy eyes focusing on the juicy DWP and Inland Revenue votes he hopes to bag in the upcoming elections.

In Revenue the Me Fist and the Moderati dinosaurs are fighting to win the Mainstreamers' to their banner. BUNTER'S pinning his hopes on the fledgling PROGRESS platform run by someone called DAMIAN CARR and backed by the shadowy and incompetent hand of JASON DROSS.

The Undymen's hopes rest with long-standing IR guru LES PRIESTLEY, who's their presidential candidate as well. The MAD MONK relies on personal prestige won over 20 years ago when he made a name for himself as a union activist and the knowledge that some IR Left Unity activists will be backing him for old times sake rather than their official candidate for the top job, JANICE GODRICH. This is despite the fact that PRIESTLEY and his crony EUERS have sought to undermine the Pathfinder strike from the outset and have only been interested in a fig-leaf improvement on Peterborough from Management to settle so they can bang on about the left's waste of money over this prolonged dispute.

PRIESTLEY is leaving the national campaign to NOSFERUNDY and SARAH JONES and concentrating on his home patch, calling in favours and reminding people of his supposed past track record. And his campaign is further handicapped by the fact that it's being run by the utterly useless FRANK CAMPBELL, who has old scores to settle with the Moderati (RAMSBLADDER sacked his wife).

EUERS major effort has been to extort £50 from all his stooges to pay for Me First's full colour glossy leaflets. Leaflets that Carr's minions are ordering in large quantities so they can throw them in the bin first. And CLAUDETTE HERBERT is none to happy at the challenge from MARK BENJAMIN who's running with CARR'S colours for the black reserved seat. BENJAMIN apparently doesn't believe in reserved seats though he will be grateful for them if he does in fact unseat HERBERT.

Nationally EASTON has thrown his hat into the ring standing as an independent and hoping to be returned to the NEC on the strength of the Pathfinder vote. He's not being officially endorsed by the Underlings though they will want to work with him if he's successful. LORD UNDY has also formally endorsed UNCLE TOM BIOSAH MBE; a SECRET LEFT protege who has always sensed which way the wind is blowing.

The Pathfinder vote could well prove to be decisive but who will profit? While BUNTER chases the illusory "scab" vote the Undymen and Lunity hope for a major swing in their favour. At the moment the major beneficiaries are likely to be EASTON, who gained much respect and credibility for his part in the secondary dispute over scabbing, and those LUNITY and Me Firsters who were committed to winning the dispute - regardless of the outcome.

Whatever happens the Pathfinder war will rumble on. DE Management old guard is determined to take revenge on the "troublemakers" they've identified during the strike. Friend of the UKRAINE, CHRIS FRAUD is top of the hit list in Harlesden. In addition, non-negotiable shiny name badges, a Draconian dress code and even a Jobcentre Plus standard greeting "Good Morning/Afternoon, Jobcentre Plus, my name is *****, how may I help you?" are on their way to further annoy the troops.