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ROUND AND ABOUT
By Judas Iscariot - Early February 2005

An uneasy calm hovers over the DWP trenches as the troops mull over the latest Management offer that has been endorsed by Falconcrest and now goes to membership ballot. Though the most odious Management intentions have been deflected, the pay deal still means peanuts for all but the lowest castes. And while there's little doubt that it will be accepted, the undercurrent of bitterness remains and it will be readily exploited by the SOCIALIST CARCASE.

The CARCASE fired their first shots at the LEEDS DWP branch secretaries conference that was attended by 96 of the 120 branches in the Department - though in reality this was 95 and a half because JANE ROGERS could barely remember what was going on following an overdose of sherbets in the bar the night before.

CHARLIE MCDONALD behaved like a schoolboy moaning and giggling with one of the CARCASE harpies throughout the meeting barely listening to a word that was said -- though that didn't stop him from jumping up to accuse MARK SERWOTKA of doing a "hatchet job" on the pay offer.

The London table was the only one where nearly everybody spoke. THERESA RAFFTERY was pulled up by Madame GODRICH for not knowing what a question was during the morning session. PHIL PARDOE'S new stooge PAUL BRYSON spoke of his branch's opposition to the offer - carried by one vote with 4 abstentions - that he of course neglected to mention.

PAUL MURPHY, suitably embarrassed by getting caught out at his BEC pretending that there were no other motions but the CARCASE one, spoke of his branch's acceptance despite his own misgivings. ROB WILLIAMS told HOWARD FULLER - that idiot who thinks he's JUDGE DREDD - that he was beginning to sound like MCINALLY, to the horror of both parties.  And JACKIE LEDERER (Mrs Red Bacon, DWP South Coast Caucus) queried whether the 2003 pay dispute had actually been settled; a point ignored by everybody else who had already bought their 2005 diaries along.

The final vote left just 17 branches voting against though the point was lost on CHRISTINE HULME who went round telling people afterwards the Carcase had won some kind of victory. Meanwhile back on Planet Earth MAREK told reps not to accuse the GEC of selling out as this was not the case revealing that the minister (Alan somebody) has made it clear that this offer is it. So there. We have been told.

On the fringes NICK DIAMANTIS was up to his usual tricks, telling JOHN McINALLY that though he personally was opposed to the pay deal his branch wasn't. But GOOD OLD NICK is certainly a good catch - when JANE finally slurped off her bar-stool NICK managed to grab her before she crashed onto the floor. Poor old JANE couldn't face the LUNITY conference the following day and had to rest her weary head in the back of NICK's car all the way to sunny Sutton and her hubby. To mention that ROGER's office, Sutton Disability Benefits Centre, is due to be shut down with the loss of 350 jobs, hers included, would mar an otherwise jolly story, so we won't mention it, as she didn't bother to put motions from the floor to either conference on the subject.

The caravan then moved on to Manchester for the DWP Left UNITY Conference where the CARCASE were given yet another lesson in how to run a faction by the former MENDICANTS who dominate LUNITY. They had already got some "comradely" flak in their London LUNITY heartland over the heavy-handed chairing of CHRISTINE HULME. On another note it appears all is not well in London LUNITY either, though Chris is nothing compared to SUE CATTEN who seems to have replaced Rule 10 McDONALD as the verbal abuser of those who dare not to toe the CARCASE line.

But they were well and truly stitched up in the elections. The initial count included 12 CAUCUS on the DWP slate including a VP and two AS's. Horror of horrors JOHN MCINALLY and LAURA MARTIN (a high-caste SECRET LEFT stooge) failed to get elected!!

Madame GODRICH then intervened together with the scrutineers to get e-mail votes from Scotland accepted which conveniently changed the result -- reducing the CARCASE to 2 on the steering committee and down to 5 out of 36 on the Section Executive slate. Lo and behold JOHN and LAURA got elected through the miraculous discovery of "email votes" that JANICE assures us have always been accepted. The fact that more votes were cast than ballot papers issued doesn't appear to trouble her either.

The CAUCUS are going to challenge the results through LUNITY procedures but these rules omit the most important one - the unwritten one that says that MENDICANT (now members of the Socialist Party and the Scottish Socialist Party) must have enough seats to outvote all the rest combined. They also need allies, like the SOCIALIST WANKERS. And they need dependents. People like CHIEF BIOSAH or the SECRET LEFT (particularly now that DOZY EAGLESON, the constant companion of NICK SHITE, has returned to FALCONCREST) who, like the UNDERLINGS can bag some votes amongst the high-castes.

Of course LUNITY as a whole has nothing to worry about this year. That's why their NEC bloc over-ruled the IR Lunity attempt to postpone the section poll following an attack of cold-feet prompted by the usual ravings from WILDE & CO. But PRIESTLEY's new faction has still to get its act together despite all the promises made at the December launch in York . 4TM has yet to publish its NEC slate or even formally state that STEELE is going to challenge MAREK for the GS when it comes up this year. All JAKE has come up with so far is a whisper campaign against BIFFA BRYANT which may help EUERS but cuts no ice with anyone outside the old IR ranks. The old Moderati under STUART CURRIE are dead in the water and LORD UNDY is still placing his bets on the alliance with LUNITY holding for another year, courtesy of BOWMAN.

But it not so quiet on the Western Front. The seers are having strange dreams and the entrails are looking ominous. Pension clouds are on the horizon and no-one is leaving the dug-outs just yet.

Casting about in the depths of February's PCS VIEW, whose name should we come across on P.15 as editor of "Check in", the Passport Service rag? Why, none other than Mr Meathook himself, PETER HEINRICH. Thirdreich has previously graced this publication, once caricatured as Prince Harry attending a fancy dress party. http://www.pflcpsa.com/conf_1982.htm , http://www.pflcpsa.com/aut_82.htm , http://www.pflcpsa.com/conf_1983.htm .

Older readers will be saddened to hear of the death two weeks ago of seasoned drinker and noted cougher, Geordie lad ALAN GILHESPY (see "Tuesday" on http://www.pflcpsa.com/conf_1990.htm ), one of the notorious triumvirate of MAID MARION's henchmen comprising himself WATSON and ROUSE. Famed for his apercus such as "I remember the 1984 Newcastle Shiftworkers dispute in 85/86.", "I wish I was sitting on a fly on the wall.", "I support the Ambulance dispute. I put my money in my pocket."

JOE COX, SEAN FAHEY & CO dutifully went to the West Road Crematorium and tried to say something nice about him. At least his coughin' has finally stopped.

Bis dat, qui cito dat

He who gives quickly gives twice

Publilius Syrus (Ist century BC)