ROUND AND ABOUT
by JUDAS ISCARIOT - January 2010
Christmas has come and gone and while we huddled in winter trenches, cowed and glum with crumps and lice and lack of rum, the full-timers at Chateau Falconcrest celebrated the birth of Our Saviour in the usual way by gorging themselves and consuming even vaster amounts of strong spirit. The grandees sat content with another victory under their belts making them well placed for this year's election and the upcoming crucifixion of SEVI YESIDELLI, who has resigned from all her posts in the MET POLICE, leaving her stooge CAROL PALMER to hold the fort while she prepares her defence against a host of charges at the NEC (see PFL passim).
The grandees had plenty to celebrate. MARK SERWOTKA romped home in the general secretary stakes easily beating ROB BRYSON in a two-horse race that had one winner and two losers. The clear winner was the LUNITY whose machine easily overcame the feeble efforts of 4TM. BRYSON was the obvious loser but curiously enough so was SERWOTKA.
The less said about the 4TM campaign the better. ROB was only put up because none of their biggies thought they had a chance against MAREK. Their campaign, such as it was, consisted of a piss-poor web-site that no one visited; a couple of letters in the TIMES and the BORING STAR and the usual commie-scare rants from BRYSON, with all the zeal of a RED turn-coat determined to justify his new right-wing credentials. The debate that could have happened was not the one with SERWOTKA that mad CHARLIE MacDONALD wanted. Rather it was the serious question posed by 4TM gurus like WILLIE SAMUELS over PCS 's hostile stance towards the Labour Government given the prospect of an even more ferocious attack on pay and conditions if the TORIES return at the next election. That discussion never took place apart from an abusive exchange on the INDIE site because Lunity doesn't want to explain its policies in detail and BRYSON was intellectually incapable of raising the ante beyond the usual rant.
But the other loser was SERWOTKA himself. MAREK clearly hoped this poll would give him a mandate to break the grandee straight-jacket and enable him to expound his own maverick, and some would say crackpot, loony-leftie theories to the membership as a whole. But his vote and the 20 per cent turn-out - respectable in themselves compared to many other unions - did not go beyond what Lunity can deliver for any front-runner and it demonstrated that SERWOTKA has no personal vote to count on. Poor old MAREK can continue to appear, in his personal capacity, on as many outside platforms as he likes but he will have to toe the grandee line - essentially that of the former MENDICANTS in the Socialist Party - as far as PCS is concerned.
And that's not all. MAREK has just lost his ace head of propaganda. TOM GRINYER, the Director of Campaigns and Communications is moving to happier climes in February. TOM , the man largely responsible for the cult of the personality in PCS , was head-hunted by the Royal College of Physicians and he starts to fill his boots as their Director of Communications and External Affairs on 17 th February. Now there's plenty of capable and talented journalists and press relations officers in the industry who could replace GRINYER. But will they get a look-in? SERWOTKA wants the best that the money can buy. But some of the grandees will doubtless want the post filled by one of their useless followers to reward a loyal time-server and encourage the others. The post is not the gift of the General Secretary and the grandees will have the final say. It will be interesting to see what happens next.
MAREK was able to keep the grandees out of the new manager (Band 5) posts at Falconcrest but the Band 4's were opened to internal and membership applications - despite fierce opposition from the full-timers GMB branch but pushed through by an unholy alliance of LEON BAUGH, LANNING and NIGEL 'PIEMAN' PIERCE.
So the grandees, who had two place-men on the selection panel made sure their comrades got interviews and so only two PCS staffers were interviewed out of the 85 applications while the rest were "activists" almost exclusively Socialist Party cadres with one or two dummies drawn from the outsiders to make the whole exercise look credible.
Meanwhile the usual jobsworths at Falconcrest are engaged in a holier than thou email exchange (Messrs STRINGER, BARRON, a finance bloke and some new idiot in Organising) suggesting that there will be a cull of the lower ranks and not from the SNO's or Band 5's. They seem to be alleging that CHARLIE COCHRANE, who is apparently still alive, has told provincials that as officers do their own typing these days, who needs the lower castes.
Jeremy GAUTREY, the chair of the full-timers GMB branch, had another attack of the amnesia he suffers from when it suits him sucking up to PIEMAN, the HR supremo, in the erroneous belief that if he ignored his own members mandate he'd get one of these juicy Band 5 jobs as a reward. He didn't as it happens and now he's moaning about "irregularities". No one cares.
Former TROT firebrand STEVE CAWKWELL has gone unusually quiet in his den in Leeds. This was the man who once thought he could challenge LANNING or BOFF. We could always rely on the TINY TITAN to stump up awkward questions like:
1. We dumped expensive SNOs and brought in a new expensive layer of band 5's & we're going to ease out admin staff. Is there a mandate for this?
2. Leeds to be downshifted. Says who?
But no, nothing from the POCKET ROCKET. Has CORKY simply realised that he's no longer of any further use and decided to spend more time with his paramour? Or has he been silenced?
At one time the DWP and HMRC made the most noise in PCS but with CORKY out of the game who will make the case for the DWP move to Falconcrest? HMRC is there already, but not the DWP, Legal is moving from Leeds into BURRIDGEs dept. But is the DWP becoming the poor relation?
As for Scotland has anybody important been seen there recently? There's a hush hush clearing of bodies in the wake of EDDIE RILEY's retirement. But how much was the pay-off for his P.A. to get her to gently toddle off to her new job? She did all his dirty work rifling waste-bins and eavesdropping on meetings to garner evidence on the SECRET LEFT chief's "enemies".
While EDDIE celebrated Hogmanay as usual with his old comrades, one of the old CPSA Jockocracy, DONNY McINTYRE, was making a fool of himself, as usual, in a SANTA outfit. But it was all for a good cause. According to Saltire, a publication of the Scottish Government:
He is larger than life with a cheerful demeanour and took some time from his hectic festive schedule to grant an exclusive interview with Saltire this week. Yes, that's right - Christmas is one of the busiest times of the year for Donny McIntyre (Visits and Events Manager) and his little helpers.
For Donny donned the famous red and white suit and requisite bushy white beard to play Santa for disadvantaged kids at a Bute House bash this week.” It was absolutely fantastic - I really enjoyed it," Donny said. "I dished out the presents and we also laid on a magic show and had an entertainer.” These kids are in supported care and have had a tough start in life, but they had a brilliant time.” This isn't the first time Donny has been Santa. He actually has his own Santa costume and is Father Christmas every year for his wife's employers. But how did he end up as the SG's very own Santa this year, particularly when there was such tough competition? "That's easy," Donny laughs, "I'm the fattest guy in the team."
Those were the days!
And talking of wrinklies, the retired members are on the war-path again hoping to drum up support at AGMs for a motion that could give a bigger presence at Conference. It's bound to fail as their chief emissary is none other than Sir Roy d'Lewis, the old codger with the stick who turns up anyway to cadge drinks from anyone who remembers him. Nevertheless give it a go.
"This ADC believes that retirement does not mean that the need to belong to a Trade Union no longer exists. The Associate and Retired Members (ARMs) branch of PCS is a vibrant organisation that gives support to its members, strives to improve State Pensions, the NHS and Welfare Benefits and also offers assistance in campaigns that affect all members throughout PCS.
To enable ARMs to play its full part in the structure and organisation of our Trade Union Conference believes that ARMs should have representation at PCS ADC but without voting and speaking rights on issues affecting members' pay and conditions of employment.
The NEC is instructed to put into place the necessary structure and rules to enable this to be implemented no later than 2011 ADC ."
But at least one old git will be returning to the fray at Brighton this year and it's none other than JOEL HERSH, who's been told by his SWP minders to form a RED CELL within the pensioners' alliance. As the first stage in all SOCIALIST WANKER operations is to build up a regular sale of their turgid weekly the prospects of revolutionary change within the CSPA are exceedingly dim.
ANDY LAWSON, DWP North London Branch Organiser is in a pickle after handing out a gung-ho UNITE AGAINST FACISM (UAF) pamphlet to his office members, who in turn complained to management. LOUSESON, a SOCIALIST WANKER who dresses like a BOLSHEVIK and sports a TROTSKY beard faces disciplinary charges over the matter. He's previously raised management's eyebrows by using departmental email to send out SWP style diktats to members promoting marches and demos about anything and everything. Local industrial relations have also taken a serious tumble due to his abrasive approach towards managers and members alike.
BARRINGTON FUGE has been despatched by JANE AITCHISON from the PCS Leeds office to sort things out. JACKIE DUTTON has been handed the personal case and she is none too pleased at having yet another misbehaving SWP member on her books. What LOUSESON has yet to grasp during his short time in the Civil Service (just over a year) is that many of his members aren't all signed up TROTS and actually couldn't care less about his boring demos. LOUSESON has also caused a stew outside of work after been recently been exposed as making slanderous and abusive posts on various socialist blogs under the guise of one KEITH WATERMELON.
Cast your minds back, if you will, to a slow day at last year's TUC. News cameras were pointed in the direction of the General Secretaries of PCS and UNISON as they signed a historic agreement - a Memorandum of Understanding between these two giants of the public sector trades unions. One might have thought, given the publicity surrounding the signing, that PCS would wish to advertise it to those members who missed the video report on BBC news. The grandees usually like bigging up PCS when it reflects glory on them. So, (a) why wasn't the MOU publicised? (b) Why hasn't a copy found its way on to the PCS website? (c) Was it such a historic document?
Answer (c) Well, no, not really, it's a slightly pimped non-poaching agreement, but Bridlington II it ain't. Answers (a) & (b) It's rather dull and would send most members to sleep. Fortunately, we like dull, so you can read the MOU here.
Finally, we hear the Tories have officially launched their "Make Your Count Vote" campaign.
No enterprise is more likely to succeed than one concealed from the enemy until it is ripe for execution.
Modern-day Moses receives Commandments 2.0 on iPad tablet
The Christian world is celebrating today after the direct, unadulterated word of God was passed down to a Nuneaton man in the form of an updated set of commandments, saved on a brand new Apple iPad tablet.
Waste and recycling technician Brian Burridge, 43, described how he received the iPad in a blinding flash while out on his rounds: 'I'd just parked the bin lorry 'round the back of PC World, and was having a look in the skip to see if there was anything I could flog on eBay, when BAM! Suddenly I was holding this gadget.'
Burridge claims that God told him from on high to look in the My Documents folder, open up a file labelled new_commandments.doc and then spread the word among the faithful. The Lord then apologised for taking so long to communicate with believers, but explained that he'd written the document in Microsoft Word had been experiencing compatibility issues.
The document, controversially written in Comic Sans MS font, rather than the expected Times New Roman, reiterates the original Ten Commandments, but continues with a new set of guidelines designed to 'help the pious Christian in these modern times.' Directives include 'thou shalt not covet thy colleague's broadband speed', 'thou shalt not unplug a USB device without first disabling it properly' and 'thou shalt not use thy neighbour's unprotected wi-fi connection without his knowledge.
God's latest holy writ then goes on to outline the secret of eternal happiness and reveals the exact date of the second coming of Christ. Unfortunately Burridge is unable to divulge these details as this part of the file has been corrupted by a virus. PC experts are now studying the iPad and have confirmed that it has been infected by a Trojan, downloaded, judging by the browsing history, from teensexcams.ru. 'Remember the twelfth commandment,' warned a Church of England IT spokesman, 'one shall not format one's hard drive before first backing up one's files.'
Version 2.1, already under development, is expected to clarify the ecumenical position of those who have committed any of the new sins before the directive was issued.
Chilcott enquiry gets DVD release date
Yes, after just a few weeks of exhaustive questioning and cross examining, "Chilcott WMD?" is set to be released on DVD and Black-Gold Ray at the end of February.
Already hailed by critics as a masterpiece of suspense, intrigue, deception and stupidity, the release will be a multi-disc affair with many special extras:
- Blooper reels, watch as Tony Blair recalls the moment when George Bush said we were going in to Iraq and many more classics
- Deleted evidence
- A featurette entitled "Iraq, the making of a war"
- Commentary from such political heavyweights as Claire Short and Will.i.am hague.
Limited edition versions will also come with a full transcript of the enquiry and a Saddam Hussein Bust/bookend.
Latest Kindle e-book reader to have 'new book smell' bundled in
The printed word took another step towards extinction today, after it was announced that the latest generation of Amazon Kindle e-reader devices will exude that new book smell upon activation.
The Kindle 3 uses the latest artificial smell technology, including Amazon's own Patented Olfactory Neural Generation algorithm, to create that crisp, papery odour which, according to Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, is so beloved of bibliophiles. 'Book lovers will go crazy for this,' he declared.
Bezos also revealed that the algorithm also boasts a built-in 'half life', and that the generated odour will start to 'decay' after a certain period of time: 'The new book smell will gradually change, so that in a few years users will start to notice a musty, old library tinge to their e-readers - assuming that the batteries last long enough.'
In order to fully replicate the experience of reading a real book, Amazon are also investigating the possibility of replacing Kindle's plastic casing with one made of thin sheets of a paper-like material, pressed together to form a box. More radically, the online retailing giant is also trialling a new display system to replace the traditional screen, by printing e-books directly onto these sheets. 'Consecutive pages will be accessed by simply turning over one sheet at a time,' Bezos told technology reporters.
Other companies have taken note of Amazon's latest innovation and are said to be developing their own sensory-interfacing systems. Microsoft and Activision have embarked on a joint venture, allowing players of the latest Call of Duty game, World War One, to be sporadically sprayed with mud and shell fragments from their X-Box. Meanwhile GPS makers Garmin have unveiled their latest sat-nav system, aimed at improving car journeys by enveloping the driver with the smell of boiled sweets and sick.
Ipple S.A. launches A-Pid for the South African market