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ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot - July 2001

Cricket, tennis, golf…you know it's summer…England are losing, we've had an election and Princess Diana would have been 40 had she survived. But down in the dingy sewers of Falconcrest the only thoughts are of succession and power.

LES PRIESTLEY has thrown his hat into the ring or so it would appear…some of his cronies say he's been promised the Me First Presidential nomination by Lord Undy and SARAH JONES. Others, who know better, have reacted in disbelief. The MAD MONK may still have some sway in Revenue but most others think he's utterly useless and fear he'll trail badly behind ABRAMS and GODRICH when the race begins in earnest next year.

Lord Flick doubtless believes he can bag the old MAINSTREAM vote in Revenue and trump the Moderati and Lunity at the same time - a ploy which sadly went awry last time it was tried.

Priestley, a sad, bearded middle-aged high-caste, has kicked off his phantom campaign by trying to knife SERWOTKA at the last meeting of the NEC. But he plainly hadn't consulted Nosferundy or the rest of Me Fisters. LES steamed in to denounce Marek for selling his members jobs during the last election - a reference to Marek's adherence to Socialist Alliance principles, which include amongst others - the abolition of VAT which would deprive 12000 workers of their jobs, many of them PCS members.

Priestley was predictably backed by BOB BOWMAN, another boring Me First time-server whose major claim to fame is that he organised the impressive LANNING 2000 campaign. Unfortunately for this dynamic duo, the Monk's motion didn't go far enough for the Moderates nor the rabble in Customs - who want Serwotka hanged - and the HSE contingent (Undy & Co) realised that the wording was so risible that they would become a laughing stock if it was passed as well as leaving them open to litigation from the Serwotka corner.

Miss Jones and Sunny Jim argued that the motion was flawed. They abstained along with BOWMAN, doubtless swayed by UNDY'S eloquence. LEON BAUGH'S Bloc (all five) voted against backed by PETER DONNELLAN and ROLLINGS. The Trots then called for a recorded vote, unheard of in Society circles. At this point Jungle Jim slumped in his chair as PETER asked to see the ten hands required. The Moderati duly obliged and the motion was carried by a huge majority.

Marek took this in bad grace claiming that there was a "right-wing" plot to unseat him and citing the PFLCPSA Quiz as evidence of a darker conspiracy against the forces of peace and progress in the PCS.

The Moderati are on a roll now. Blair's won the election and they think they can repeat the miracle next year. At the last NEC the Mods did well. Remember JOHN McINALLY making those outrageous allegations about MARION and BARRY'S bunce. Well "surprise, surprise", legal advice - similar to the WHITE REPORT - concluded that there was no substance to the allegations whatsoever and that the claims were defamatory and actionable (whatever that means). Anyway the NEC voted to take no further action on the matter. And FATMAN CURRIE has been gloating over the results in his own Scottish fiefdom. McKENDRICK beat Dunn (an obscure RED in Unity) for the Chair, KIRK beat BISSETT (Socialist Wankers Party) and Mr BLOBBY himself headed off GEDLING (another Unity RED).

Meanwhile back at Uncle Tom's Cabin a new row has erupted between the Mods and the Undymen. DONNELLAN discovered that there was a free ticket going on the TUC delegation to the ICFTU conference in South Africa - a gift of the Hon. Officers. STUART CURRIE naturally nominated PAULINE ABRAMS but said if this wasn't agreeable he would then accept CLAUDETTE HERBERT, the Chair of the Black Workers' Forum.

PETER then told FATBOY that he, PRIESTLEY and MISS JONES had decided that boss-grade ROLAND BIOSAH MBE (a Unity toady) would go on the junket and that was that.

CLAUDETTE made her views abundantly clear at the ME FIRST group pre-meeting and she was not a happy bunny when BIOSAH's freebie was endorsed at the NEC. JIM FEENEY, a CE Me Fister said "We all know Claudette likes her jollies but how can we justify this!". With friends like these…

AND ALSO...
by Barrabas

News has arrived of a huge cock-up at the UNISON conference two weeks ago in Brighton. A fringe rally billed as "New Labour's Second Term - Building The Resistance!" flopped, as it became apparent that the three key-note speakers had all failed to show. With JEREMY CORBYN MP and trade union activist (sic) MARK SERWOTKA sending their heartfelt apologies, it looked as though the remaining speaker, environmentalist GEORGE MONBIOT, would take the starring role. That was until the tragic news filtered through that he too would be unable to advise on "building the resistance" since he had fallen from his bicycle...

Anyone remember JOHN SHELDON? The one that cost the members 20 grand for a posh retirement party? Well, he didn't retire after all (can we have our money back?). He's now the Vice Chair of the Civil Service Appeal Board, but has not been attending due to health problems. People less charitable than ourselves are suggesting that this is not unconnected with the fact that he no longer has a speechwriter. It is the job of the Vice Chair to write the CSAB reports, and JOHN was always more at home with crayons.

Membership First NEC member and recently deposed Customs GEC member STEVE COMER was spotted falling asleep on not just one evening, but 2 consecutive nights in the Bar of the Elstead Hotel where the recent PCS Industrial Tribunal course was held.

But worse was to follow for poor STEVE as on the second evening he woke from his slumber and headed off to what the onlookers thought was an early night. But no: having walked straight into the wall he headed off in the opposite direction to his room. He reappeared seconds later and headed towards where he should have gone in the first place. Then the Night Porter (it was about 2.00am) asked where the bloke in the blue T-shirt had gone. On being asked why he wanted to know, the porter explained that Steve had entered the posh non-smoking lounge and had sprayed an assortment of beer and fine foods all over one of the leather Chesterfields and then sauntered off.

COMA then returned 5 minutes later, sat down, and when he was asked if the porter had seen him, he garbled something about silly sod and dropped back off to sleep.

Just imagine if some of the regular clients (average age 95) had gone in the lounge in the morning and plonked themselves down on the Chesterfield. Luckily the night porter was bribeable and did not punish other delegates by closing the bar and a few more ales were supped into the night.

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The Immigration Services Union has recently made a fuss to PCS about a website run by a PCS Branch Organiser and demanded that the site be removed. The site in question is the Intergalactic Space cadets Union at www.isunion.com . Go and have a look at it and see if you can find grounds for complaint. I guess the ISU should have bought the domain name, but having looked at their own website, I prefer the spoof - it's much more informative. If negativity and lack of a sense of humour by either union results in the site's removal, never fear, the PFL will publish its stolen copy of the site here.

Similarly, can we share with you the latest offering from PCS membership services? Thank you.