The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A

Well, most of us packed up our troubles in our old proverbial and hit the beach for our hols but it's the wide open spaces for MARTYN JENKYNS DWP DTUS Sec. He apparently spends four weeks a year tramping around Scotland taking snaps (to complement his collection of gentlemen's erotica - see PFLs passim) and standing on people's feet. The clumsy oaf stays with El Presidente JANICE GODRICH and her consort DANNY WILLIAMSON at their gaff in Paisley.

MARTYN likes to tour whiskey distilleries and he brings back samples to a grateful DANNY. This year, having had enough of the two men behaving badly, JANICE took herself off to her mum's caravan in Tewkesbury for a bit of peace and quiet.

DANNY and MARTYN were plonked in front of the TV watching a FRASIER marathon when the phone rang. It was none other than JOHN McCREADIE, Ex DGS and SERWOTKA minder, ringing from his retirement villa in the south of France. "Why is your house on the telly?" he asked Williams having just seen the CNN coverage of the police blowing up suspect cars at Paisley hospital which is across the road from chez Williamson. All this action had passed our heroes by as they had drank several tots of the broon lemonade beloved of the Scots.

But the best bit was when Danny went for the papers later that morning and the POLIS refused to let him back into his house and he had to stand around for two hours awaiting the all clear.

By the way, JENKINS legendary clumsiness struck again as he blew up Danny's phone charger and managed to break the shower as well during his stay.

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THE FALCON, the watering hole next to PCS HQ, re-opened on 27 th June after having been done up to remove the smell of outlawed tobacco. This consists of a coat of paint, new chairs and a menu of 101 things to do with a sausage! The beer has also risen by about 50p a pint and even FTOs on their film star wages were heard complaining.

In a further attempt to tidy the place up some locals, deemed a bit scruffy, have been banned. So, having popped in for a couple of brown lemonades at the 'dry' [sic] run at lunchtime, JIM HANSON returned at 5pm for the official launch, only to be informed by a short South African with a power complex that he was barred.

Apart from being the quickest recorded barring in PCS history (and its predecessors) the truly remarkable aspect was that, at first, no reason was given!

After much discussion (and the subsequent barring of JASON HOGG who was guilty by association after Jim pointed out that they share a round) it came to light that HANSON was being charged with lowering the tone of the Falcon's piss-poor attempt to become up-market drinking establishment, which he does, at lunchtimes alongside some of SW11's more colourful and experienced hostelry frequenters.

Being a sly and cunning individual, JIM simply stopped talking to the self-titled 'Area Manager' and walked in through the other set of doors! Much arguing and threats of police followed. GORDIE the GOPHER and the re-admitted HOGG pointed out to the new, and clearly out of his depth publican, that refusing admittance could result in a fantastically large amount of lost revenue from HANSON - let alone from any formal PCS walkout! His response was to put Jim on probation!

To this statement, HANSON - with right for once on his side - exploded with indignation. What was the reason for this probation? What were the terms? "No reason" came the reply, and the terms - "don't piss me off". In the face of such stupidity, JIM did the only reasonable thing - laughed at him.

The 'Area Manager' then had to be restrained by colleagues and escorted away from HANSON before he attempted to exact physical retribution for being made to look small in front of a pub clientele that consisted of as many SUITS from the BREWERY as paying punters!

Upon being asked if he had ever been barred from a pub before, HANSON replied, "No - I've been refused service lots, but you just accept that as you've usually lost the power of speech by that time!"

The good news is that normal service was resumed that evening with the two protagonists shaking hands somewhere near closing time - clearly affected by the soothing, calming qualities of the newly retired FRANK CAMPBELL who just happened to turn up later that evening! Obviously, a career as an EU Special Envoy awaits, should CAMPBELL tire of his recently appointed role as CSAB panel member.

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Has anyone seen the PCS National Banner recently? It was last sighted in CREWE in a 16ft long box, so fairly hard to miss. Any YouTube links/mobile phone footage involving the missing banner would be appreciated.

SKY TO LAUNCH "UK HOSTAGE" CHANNEL

Sky Television has announced plans to add to its extensive programme choice, with a new channel dedicated exclusively to terrorist hostages.

Brian Collins, spokesman for the broadcaster said, 'we see desperate appeals from terrorist hostages as a growing market. With global unrest at an all-time high, there is sure to be plenty of material. 'We have listened to feedback from the public and our research indicates that there is massive interest in a live 24-hour feed, similar to Big Brother Live. The problem to date has been that most of the video and sound quality hasn't really been broadcast standard.'

Collins revealed that it was watching the shabby videos of recently released BBC Journalist Alan Johnston that prompted the move. 'I mean it was a joke, Alan's an experienced and professional broadcaster who will be furious when he sees the quality of the tapes. Why the kidnappers didn't ask for his advice I don't know. Also what type of idiot decided on a Wednesday morning release, where's the viewing figures in that? We'd have scheduled the release to go head to head on Saturday against Britain's Got Talent. Really, the whole thing was a shambles.'

Sky claimed to have signed exclusive deals with all the major terror organizations and their factions while Dermot O'Leary has been approached to do studio-based interviews with the hostages' families. 'Yeah, we want Dermot to do, how are they feeling?. how would the hostage react in this situation?. any embarrassing stories from childhood? . type of thing' confirmed Mr Collins. 'We may introduce an interactive element in the future with text votes governing such variables as diet, colour of jump suit, release date and a few humiliating tasks perhaps.'

The channel will be officially launched next month pending a possible legal action from the producers of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' who had plans to drop Tara Palmer Tomkinson in Gaza and just see what happened.