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By JUDAS ISCARIOT - Late June 2004

“What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet” was how Shakespeare put it. If only things were that simple these days. The old Bard would just toddle down to the IR ME FIRSTERS and the Moderati Maidens, mutter a few words and everything would come up roses. But not perhaps for JAKE WILDE and MOIRA CAMPBELL, who are now spending much of their time trying to conjure up a new name for the IRMF/ Anti-Bunter Coalition before CURRIE reduces it all to farce.

The coalition without a name set up a Steering Committee at Brighton Conference, consisting of the Priestley cum Moderati bloc on the NEC to draw up a programme and a name ready for the 2005 election campaign. Interestingly enough, policies have not proved to be much of a problem as all they consists of is winning more seats on the NEC and preparing the ground for GRAHAM STEEL’S challenge to SERWOTKA when the GS post comes up again, on a platform of anti-Trot hysteria and the usual platitudes that the MAD MONK churns out whenever he opens his mouth. The real problem is what to call themselves. They want a snappy, catch-all tag which has nothing to do with the discredited Barry Moderati label while at the same time retaining the loyalty of the old Mod constituency.

BUNTER’S been having a field day mocking them from his Scottish eyrie and vowing to field a full “National Moderate Group” list when it comes to election time again. No mean feat given that at the last count he only had two supporters left. But the anti-Bunterists know that if STUART does cobble together some names it could easily confuse and split their core vote, and the whole PRIESTLEY project will fall flat on its face. LES is still on his sick-bed, waiting for hip operations that will put him out of action for the next six months. But the MAD MONK is in regular contact with his chief henchman, WILDE, who has also told EUERS and BINKS to get to work as well. Their chances of ousting LUNITY and the UNDYMEN next year is remote, but at the very least they’ve got to hold their eight seats on the NEC and build the base for the STEEL challenge.

STEEL, barely known outside the Revenue until this year’s SFTO elections, is certainly ambitious. His immediate aim is to kick up enough fuss to prevent his transfer out of the Revenue – and if that fails, as it almost certainly will – to ensure that he gets something better than chief paper-clip wallah at FALCONCREST in the SERWOTKA reshuffle. His ultimate goal, to replace MAREK and guarantee IR ring-fencing for the next thousand years, depends on whether JAKE can undercut LORD UNDY and win some of the “Democrats” to the PRIESTLEY banner.

Meanwhile life goes on, though not without some regrets. And STEVE CAWKWELL must have plenty following his antics in BRIGHTON where he hit the bottle every day and insisted on pressing his unwelcome advances on any bit of skirt that came his way.

Martyn Jenkins

CORKY unsuccessfully sought sexual favours with promises of advancement via the LUNITY machine. He apparently told MICHELLE SMITH (the Academy Organiser in Leeds - a tall, blonde, scouse lass twice his size) that if she did “she would go far”.

Worse still, he was caught on camera, coming on heavy to a female member of Leeds office staff , by intrepid PCS paparazzo MYRTIN JYNKYNS, who has passed the embarrassing snap to the puritanical Powers that Be in LUNITY.

STEVE’S behaviour was fuelled by drink and frustration at the sight of his ex-wife HELEN parading her new boyfriend NEIL around town, and when all else failed, he even invented a mythical girlfriend to boost his flagging ego. EDDIE SPENCE has had serious words with CORKY. He is now being shunned by the other FTOs in Leeds, not to mention his former lay comrades.

Tom Grinyer

Barry's boy, Campaigns Officer TOM GRINYER, was congratulated by several colleagues at Conference upon the recent production of an offspring by his partner Jenny. However this was not greatly appreciated by Tom - by the third time of asking he had honed his response to the optimum brevity: "Sod off. It's not mine. We split up last May"! LUNITY minds are currently being exercised by the lack of a capable candidate to fill a soon to be advertised megabucks full-time post in Leeds. FUGE and CAWKWELL are too recently appointed and not yet established in their lesser roles, while the loss of any senior blood from an already lightweight DWP GEC would not only result in the call up of a Moderate - MOIRA CAMPBELL - but would leave them struggling for people who actually do any work.ROB WILLIAMS (aka Mr JANE AITCHISON, DWP Equal Opps Supremo) seems the only contender able to unseat either of the unremarkable incumbent candidates, ex-PTC time-servers IAN TAYLOR and NELLIE TAKLA-WRIGHT, unless Mrs FUGE herself - STELLA DENIS - can be persuaded to risk upsetting the equilibrium with a late challenge.

For a rank outside bet, step forward STEVE BATTLEMUCH, close-personal chum of the GS and still reeling from losing the race for the more senior Midlands Supremo post last year, who was seen schmoozing at the HQ hotel - THE OLD SHIP - with the great and the good during Conference week.And be on the look-out for the resurrection of LAURA MARTIN (aka Mrs DAVE ALSTON - fat TANKIE bloke with big specs) – a full time DWP TUS post in Leeds beckons. Watch this space!Your cheque comes with the post - FRANK BONNER, temporarily promoted last year to Senior Private Sector apologist, applied for and has been granted early retirement by HQ. But, surprise, surprise, the short-arsed timewaster (who incidentally has recently lost four stones, like BUNTER, on the Fatkins diet) has been allowed to stay on till October, the anniversary of his promotion, thus fattening up his pension nicely. Add that to the extra subbies FRANK has enjoyed whilst on TP (and lodging with MACREADIE), and that should keep him most comfortably in steak and lager until his heart inevitably gives out on his Algarve estate next summer.Remember the "Right" Iain Waddell (Conference Communique Friday)?

In the meantime congratulations to JIM McKAY, who won his seat on the GEC simply because so many Lunity voters confused him with their own favourite son, RUSSELL McKAY, who lost. Life’s not been too kind to RUSSELL these days. Almost immediately after his defeat in DWP he suffered another blow when he was ordered to stand down from a Learning Rep post (with its juicy 50 per cent facility time) by NEC member ALAN BROWN in favour of a new LENIN-type IAIN WADDELL. Sadly for all concerned the wrong IAIN WADDELL was handed the job and he refuses to join LEFT UNITY. Well, there IS an Iain Waddell who, yes, is a LU supporter, working at Glasgow Benefit Centre. However, said Mr Waddell was on sick leave during the conference when he was nominated.

Mendacem memorem esse oportet!
(Liars should have good memories!)
Marcus Fabius Quintilianus (35 – 95 AD)