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ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot - early March 2004

An uneasy calm lies over the battlefield. The cheery faces of our troops, buoyed up at the first two days of victory contrast with the gloomy glance of Management, now playing cat-and-mouse throughout DWP to try and thwart the work-to-rule. But back at Falconcrest Headquarters another struggle goes on and the faction bosses are working overtime and no-rules apply in the struggle to control the union.

The Moderati “come-back” was planned last December at the National Moderate Group Conference in Reading. This august body, which hasn’t met for over a decade, attracted 18 Moddies, who drew up their slate for the NEC and SFTO elections. PAULINE ABRAMS has been dumped to help CURRIE get back on the NEC and BUNTER is also making a stab for AGS. MARTIN BOYLE, as predicted, didn’t fancy his chances against LANNING so the Moderati have picked JIM HANSON to wave their flag.At the January NEC it was agreed that all SFTO candidates would need 25 branch nominations to enter the race. LUNITY and the UNDYMEN wanted 50 but after SERWOTKA argued that one should be sufficient they agreed to a “compromise” of 25 hoping that this will effectively exclude anyone who hasn’t got the LUNITY steam-roller behind them. HANSON certainly has got more chance of being struck by lightening than getting 25 nominations but that fact seems to have escaped him. He’s already started to train for the campaign trail cutting down on the booze and telling all and sundry about his plans to re-organise the Office after his victory. BOYLE was subjected to detailed questioning by BASIL about HQ staff and the other duties the DGS is expected to cover, until eventually he said: ”James, I think you’re taking this a bit too seriously”.Indeed, because LUCKY JIM has only been chosen as a Moderati bargaining chip with LES PRIESTLEY’S IR Me Firsters. The Moddies want the Mad Monk to withdraw DAVE NOBODY to give FATMAN a clear run against LEON BAUGH in return for endorsing STEEL for DGS. The Revenue Me Firsters are not budging but the Moderati hope LES will see things differently when the nominations – or in their case lack of – start rolling in.Meanwhile LANNING & BAUGH have got some stooges to give out election leaflets at every meeting held at Falconcrest sending STEEL & NOBODY into fits of rage when they found out. When the dynamic duo discovered that there was no rule against electioneering they dashed out their own flyer, but alas the only meeting they been able to cover so far has been the NEC meeting in January itself. Their next move has been to try and nobble learning reps by sending them this tasteless email:

From: Steel Newlyn [mailto:steelnewlyn2004@hotmail.com]
Sent: 27 February 2004 10:22
Subject: PCS ELECTIONS


PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS E-MAIL. IF YOU WOULD PREFER INFORMATION TO BE SENT TO YOUR HOME E-MAIL PLEASE LET US KNOW.

Dear ColleaguePCS ELECTIONS 2004

Hello. We have taken the unusual step of contacting you as a Union Learning representative directly about the forthcoming PCS elections because we believe they are so very important.

Our Union has become dominated by political factions, which think they are more important than the Union and its members. That cannot be right and we want to give members a choice of candidates who are not prisoners of their extremist faction.

In many ways Union Learning representatives represent the future of the Union. You are member focused, interested in the development of members and your Union free from outdated political dogma. Myself and my fellow candidate Dave Newlyn want you to be able to stay that way and give you the support you need to help us create a modern, progressive union.

That is why we ask you for your support for: -

GRAHAM STEEL - DEPUTY GENERAL SECRETARY
DAVE NEWLYN - ASSISTANT GENERAL SECRETARY


Thank you for listening.

Yours fraternally
GRAHAM STEEL AND DAVE NEWLYN
PS: If you do not want to receive any further information please e-mail us at STEELNEWLYN2004@HOTMAIL.COM

Don’t hesitate to let GRAHAM and DAVE know what you think. Incidentally, do have a look at their website (Now they’ve taken down the EINGANG VERBOTEN welcome message) at http://www.votesteelnewlyn.net/ . It’s the sort of good ol’ electioneerin’ website GEORGE DUBYA would be proud of - it redefines “tacky” - full of flashing gizmos and a haven for soundbites such as “The experience thing is in the bag.” And “Lots of good people are too frightened to stand at any level in this important election. “ And rather worryingly “A seventies revival will be a show on MTV not a workers revolt.” They also say they've got their feet on the planet, but unsurprisingly fail to indicate the planet of their choice, or what colour their sky is.

LORD UNDY has been skulking around as usual in a bid to raise the profile of his PCS DEMOCRATS group that is even more boring than it sounds. Last month we were told that the 4th Floor at Falconcrest would be unavailable to meetings in the first two weeks of March. But no-one knew who had reserved them. Now they have become free again and many suspect that UNDY had earmarked them for the PCS Dem campaign until he discovered that this was not allowed under our rules.

Behind the lines, JOHN McINALLY and ROLAND BIOSAH MBE have been taking the credit for “discovering” the effect of relocation on ethnic minority employment in Greater London. (Government policy is to encourage ethnic minority workers into white collar jobs – it makes it a bit difficult to adhere to when at the same time, the same Government is hell-bent on shipping out the main source of white collar work to the provinces.) This, the dynamic duo claim, has stopped relocation. What they have conveniently forgotten is that the people who actually came up with this were JACKIE DUTTON, TONY REAY & Co from the CARCASE, who also pointed out that relocation hasn’t been halted but only delayed.

BIOSAH has also come under flak from his own BEC for sending out a letter asking for strike cover despite the fact that he is one of the leaders – at least in name – of the action, sitting on the GEC and the NEC of the union. UNCLE TOM MBE was none too happy, haranguing branch chair WURZEL KEON for over an hour until he made a chair’s ruling. Chief BIOSAH is now muttering about “racism” on the committee despite the fact that most of them are... errr... black.

WYNN PARRY, a useless Moderati nobody, has been bleating about not being short-listed for the Welsh Officer post, knowing full-well that former CPSA members are not considered for any full-time post these days unless they’re TROTS. Concerned that on this occasion he hadn’t received the usual “we regret…” or “sorry your form was mislaid…” letter PCS HQ churns out to the disappointed millions, WYNNE-PARRY decided to call in person to find out what happened. A courteous minion told him that indeed they had received it and that he had submitted “ a very good application. One of the best we have seen. But no-one knows who you are, so it was ignored”.

Talking of losers the shade of BARRY REAMSBOTTOM has returned to haunt the Moderati once more. Apart from GORDON the GOPHER most of them avoid him like the plague and are hoping that their fortunes will improve once he’s been forgotten by the collective memory of the membership.

The Great Scot has spent the past two years working as an unpaid parliamentary aide in the hope that he will catch the eye of someone who’ll give him a quango to run after the next Labour reshuffle. A long-standing member of the NUJ, he’s now decided to join PCS and is threatening to return to Conference as the hammer of the Trots and pay off some old scores against his old Moddie chums like BOYLE whom he personally blames for all their woes. Or so he says. Chutzpah is a foreign word to him.

In fact PCS wasn’t his first choice. RAMSBLADDER had hoped to join the mandarin’s society, the FDA, but was turned down by their GS, JONATHAN BAUME, late of CPSA, and a far more successful crawler. JONATHAN’S mates say it was because their GS had never heard of BARRY but the real reason is that RAMSBLADDER’S position in the House is not worthy of the Olympian heights of FDA membership.