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BY JUDAS ISCARIOT - Late March 2007

When the clocks go forward we know Spring's in the air. The men have got their dusters out in the trenches while the officers pin new curtains over the holes in their dug-outs and pore over the plans for the May Day Offensive. But back in Chateau Falconcrest dark forces are plotting to undermine the democratic processes that make PCS what it is today.  

An investigation into ballot rigging in the Met Police section of PCS is now under way after the discovery of a pile of forged ballot papers sent in by person(s) unknown. They were not only not very good forgeries, but they were discovered in at least one separate pile to the real ones. The number of the fake ballot papers discovered has not been revealed, but PCS sources say it is "considerable". Falconcrest has been trying to keep this quiet, whilst an internal investigation takes place.  

The PCS investigation is being carried out by a panel of full-timers, senior elected officers (VPs) and KEVIN KELLY. There may, of course, be an objection to KEVs involvement as he clearly will face a possible conflict of interests. He's recently got engaged to SEVI YESIDALI who happens to be err.a candidate in these elections. Both are also LU members.  

At this moment in time it's not clear who has stood to gain from these forgeries but Radio 4TM (Wildman International) is gleefully opining it must be either the Grandees or the Moderati/Caucus - which they can safely say as 4TM have no supporters at all in the section.  

Elections, rigged or otherwise, are now a matter of total indifference for MANDY CLARKE (PCS Plymouth Brethren) this year. Poor old MANDY decided to leave the paperwork until she got back from her early break holiday in Italy this month. Unfortunately for her the Italian airport workers decided to go on strike. Her flight was cancelled delaying her for days and by the time she got back to her habitual abode the deadline had passed and her nomination could not be accepted. A cheque to the strikers fighting fund is believed to have been sent by one of the LU Grandees.  

In HMRC MARTIN MENEAR, the current AGS, is standing down and just going for a GEC spot. He has detached himself from the "allied indies" at pretty much the last minute and secretly plans to defect to the Grandees, but not until after the election, a la ALAN PRICE.   DOREEN MCNEIL will be elected unopposed, as will HARVEY CRANE as Treasurer. 4TM had originally lined up DAVE MATTHEWS and PAT WATTERS respectively but Customs indies said they would be backing McNeil and Crane. JAKE persuaded DAVE and PAT not to stand for that reason, and they would have been standing for 3 posts, which never looks good. WILDE argues that the post of DGS should be an FTO job anyway and that CRANE's useful to have around as he is vehemently anti-PCS Democrat.  

Back in Geordieland the review of the performance of the front-line troops in the last offensive continues much to the embarrassment of some of the organizers. For instance, at Tyneview Park, MARY (WHO?) FERGUSON (NEC) and Co. were merrily picketing away when one of the pickets announced that he had to go home and pick his wife and take her to work. OK so far. However, his wife was a strike breaking HEO at ... Tyneview Park . The spouse is said to be ALEX SIMPSON, brother of NEIL SIMPSON, LU organiser for the North East.  

Whilst on the subject of Tyneview Park , in an attempt to work their picket line efficiently, the BEC drew up a rota. Unfortunately, there were one or two gaps. Well done to the nameless sap who allowed the rota to get into Management's hands, who in turn issued it to staff, thereby giving would be strike breakers the best times to come in without having to face the picket line.  

Still, WILLIE SAMUEL has offered to 'coach' his BEC members in the ways of the DWP Resource Management System. Unfortunately, his grasp of using the system to record facility time usage was incorrect and he was giving out duff info. His shortcomings were summed up in his own words "I'm a bloody useless teacher". He certainly got that one right, and in future could avoid the words "a" and "teacher".  

Finally JACKIE DUTTON, Chair of the London JCP Regional Committee, receives the prestigious PFL WORLD WILDLIFE AWARD for personally preventing the gassing of several PIGEONS trapped in the roof of STOCKWELL JCP OFFICE. Armed with only a SWISS ARMY PENKNIFE (see PFL passim) she climbed into the rafters, made them an escape route and sealed it after scaring them out and thus prevented a pigeon holocaust. Only one egg and Jackie's jacket were injured in this escapade. Her annual bath has, however, been brought forward due to PIGEON DROPPINGS covering her from HEAD to TOE!    

Biamus, moriendum est.
Death's unavoidable; let's have a drink.
 

Seneca the Elder 54 BC - 39 AD