The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A
ROUND AND ABOUT
BY JUDAS ISCARIOT - PRE-CONFERENCE MAY 2010
The eerie drift of volcanic ash has swept over the front littered with unread election addresses and piles of unsent ballot forms. While the grandees stomp around the country trying to make “our vote count” in a much bigger contest that is taking place across the country none of them have bothered trying to launch a similar campaign to try and light up some enthusiasm for our own national elections. They know, of course, that the Democracy Alliance is going to win but they seem indifferent to the fact that the vast majority of the membership can't be bothered to even mark a cross on a replied-paid ballot form. Even the Socialist Wanker's efforts to take over the old gits club have collapsed. Poor old JOEL HIRSCH didn't bother to turn up for the AGM of the Associate and Retired Members section (ARMS) to vote for himself, despite being self-nominated, so all he got was two votes, from people who had no idea who he was.
In DH, PARKY's election posters have enraged the Group President GORDON WOOLARD as they state that GORDY is currently on temporay promotion from HEO to SEO despite telling his BEC he wouldn't, in answer to a direct question. Well, he is on T/P, and PARKY is on pretty safe ground as LU's El Gordo was minuted at the BEC. Parky has invited WOOLARD to fuck off with his complaints. Such a pity that the NEC didn't decide on an O/T and a T/P ban like they usually do during industrial action, and worse still that those accessing additional wages via T/P don't give a bung to the hardship fund.
What with a Leeds DH GEC member crossing a London picket line (with all apologies of course) and a Leeds based DH Group Officer putting in writing support for the strike action with the immortal line "Against my better principles, and I know I wouldn't be popular, if it was 3 days in one month, I for one would have to come in.". Sleepy Valley, A.K.A. "Rule 10 Central" in Marek's Office at Falcon Crest, isn't so sleepy any more as Parky continues to slap in complaints. PARKY, Old Man of the Mountain Malo HARVEY and Motor Mouth Danny CLARKE could be in for a hard ride at the first ever Health Group Conference (previously they were AGMs) at Brighton and the thoughts of scenes of mayhem outside of Buddies, a la Quadrophenia, salivate.
But it's livened up in Scotland. North of the Border there's been a bit of a mole-hunt following the numerous revelations in this august journal towards the end of last year. A strict ‘need to know' policy was introduced and ‘careless talk costs us votes' posters were put up in the two union offices. The clicking of locking drawers and filing cabinets is the new background sound. Heads have been very much down. But now that spring's in the air and everyone's more than bored with the claustrophobic atmosphere, snippets of life in the new regime are emerging.
JOY DUNN is to go on her year's sabbatical to the STUC a year early, it seems, after the current deputy president retired early leaving OUR JOY the one to step up since she had been due to be the dp but now will be the president. She won't benefit from a year's preparation like other presidents so she'll have to pick up the schmoozing and boozing on the job, as it were.
Given her prodigious thirst the boozing won't be a problem but the schmoozing might be difficult as she learned her social skills from the much lamented former Scottish Secretary EDDIE REILLY whose idea of chit-chat was to growl something about the class needing leadership, preferably secret leadership.
JOY's premature absence from PCS Scotland's affairs is, it seems, joy to the new regime as it now gives them an early opportunity to ditch her from the main union activities where she's regarded as being beyond useless.
Elsewhere the much lamented ex-Deputy Scottish Secretary MICHAEL McCANN, deputy leader of South Lanarkshire Council and would-be Labour MP for East Kilbride is facing sleaze charges from the Tory press that claims that he and two Labour colleagues had acted improperly when presiding over planning matters – specifically to favour businessmen that had given donations to the Labour Party.
Tory rival Graham Simpson, who is standing against McCann for the parliamentary seat and is the former Jockocrat's fellow ward councillor, is calling for an inquiry.
In a letter sent to the council's chief executive, Archie Strang, Simpson says: “We simply cannot go on with this stench hanging over South Lanarkshire Council. If the inquiry fails to clear the air then, of course it could be that a police inquiry could not be ruled out.”
But McCann, who is never lost for words, has hit back accusing his Tory rival of dragging the election campaign into the gutter.
He said: “We all know what this is about. It's about the Tory press, supported by the SNP, David Cameron's Highland division, attacking Labour. My Tory opponent, Graham Simpson, who works for the Sunday Times stable mate, The Sun, works in the same office as the journalists who penned this article. “Their intentions are now clear – to drag this campaign into the gutter, however, we will not be deflected from our work”.
The after shocks of the senior management review are still being felt in certain parts of the union. It's undoubted relief and joy from Scotland 's Solidarity Party (who used to be part of the Scottish Socialist party but fell out over the alleged sexual shenanigans of perma-tanned TOMMY SHERIDAN (see PFL passim). Solidarity have added to their count employed in PCS Scotland after CHERYL GEDLING and ALAN BROWN (not so much Sonny & Cher as Peters & Lee) both got sinecures, her a press officer, him as negotiator. Special congratulations must go to ALAN BROWN as he gets his much coveted job at the umpteenth time of trying. Well done, Mr Thirteen Applications.
But no joy, alas, along the M8 in Glasgow where there's been many a hissy fit and tantrum from the IT bod. It turns out that the PCS management's guarantee of no compulsory redundancies or transfers applies to all staff except those called JIM. The band 5 list posted on the staff intranet by the general secretary listed all the old and new Band 5s but ominously omitted JIM DORAN and JIM HANSON.
JIM DORAN, who works for IT in the Glasgow office, has since been told his Band 5 job is no more and that he can either accept the next vacant Band 5 job wherever that is or be downgraded to Band 4. His wailing and tears were not soothed when management told him that the other JIM was also losing his Band 5 position and so he wasn't alone. Being lumped with someone who's been put on ‘special measures', as HANSON has, has not gone down well. A late manoeuvre to become bag carrier to the new Mr Wales/Scotland/NorthernIreland JEFF EVANS was scuppered by opposition from the new Scottish and Welsh secretaries who don't want a timeserver between them and their new boss.
The closure of the Edinburgh office is on – and off. On because it's really a done deal and the savings being already pencilled in for next year's budgeting. Off because conference is looming and nobody wants to be seen to be wielding the axe. Post conference will see a flurry of activity.
By the way, Conference this year will consist of debating multiple pseudo-political knee-jerk emergency motions in the wake of the National Election and will not bear any resemblance to order papers. If your branch has put a motion forward after painstaking research and consultation with the members, it won't be heard. Welcome to PCSVille 2010 where you're all cattle. Moo (but only when you're told you can).
Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves.
Thomas Hobbes
1588-1679
ELECTION NEWS
Osama bin Laden today spoke out against what he called 'the West's evil, unremitting campaign of persecution' waged by local party activists determined to secure his support in Thursday's general election.
‘If it's not the Tories, it's Labour or the Liberal Democrats,' fumed the al-Qaeda leader today. ‘All day every day I'm up and down to the cave door like a bloody yo-yo. I moved out here for a quiet life, you know, but every two minutes it's ‘Can we count on your vote on Thursday, Mr bin Laden?' Don't tell me none of them saw my sign saying no door-to-door callers, free newspapers or intelligence agents.'
Bin Laden has been a resident for many years in the key marginal of Waziristan, traditionally an unsafe seat for all the main parties. But with the polls predicting a hung Parliament, party campaigners are out fighting for every last vote. ‘You can tell them a mile off with their clipboards and choreographed grins,' said bin Laden. ‘They're like zealots, their eyes lit with the fires of righteousness as they pound the mountainsides in the name of their one true cause. It's worrying, there's no telling what lengths some of these nutters might go to just to get their twisted message across.'
Aside from the endless procession of canvassers calling at the cave, bin Laden is also annoyed that the local terrorist training camp will be closed on Thursday to be used as a polling station. ‘Do these people think we can afford to lose a day's work in the current economic climate? That said, I've always been more of a postal vote man myself. But none of this would be so bad if they actually did anything about the real problems facing us today,' he continued. ‘Public transport round here is a joke and a fortnightly recycling collection was never designed to cope with this amount of leaflets.'
But it is the promise of change from some of the main political parties which has grated most with the al-Qaeda leader. ‘I'll tell you what would make a change,' said bin Laden, whose family has close ties to the Saudi royal family. ‘Half an hour's peace and quiet to put my feet up, have a cup of tea and maybe do the crossword in the Telegraph. I'm a Tory, of course. I really like their policies on inheritance tax.'
Beware the bigots of Rochdale. Soothsayer ('Soo') to Julius Caesar
Blessed are the bigots, for they may have a point. Jesus
And now abideth faith, hope and bigotry, these three; but the greatest of these is bigotry. St Paul
Who will rid me of this troublesome bigot? Is it Sue? Henry II
To be a bigot or not to be a bigot, that is the question. Hamlet
Is this a bigot I see before me? Macbeth
Some are born bigots, some achieve bigotry, some have bigotry thrust upon them. Malvolio
I have nothing to declare but my bigotry. Oscar Wilde's arresting officer
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. Winston Churchill
We hold these truths to be self evident, that some men are created bigots. Martin Luther King
Bigot, what bigot? James Callaghan
Bloody taxmen, coming over here and taking all our money. Lester Bigot
This is not a time for sound bites, but I feel the hands of these feuding bigots on my shoulder. Tony Blair
The French don't have a word for bigot. George W Bigot
Betting scam latest; Prime Minister agreed to throw election
Shock allegations in The News Of The World have revealed that Labour leader Gordon Brown agreed to a bribe to deliberately lose the 2010 general election. Hidden camera footage implicates the Prime Minister in the audacious betting scam which reveals him and chancellor Alistair Darling in a secret meeting with shady businessmen discussing potential payments.
In the poor quality film, Brown can be seen to explain how an election might be deliberately thrown while Darling tries to agree a price with the unidentified men, thought to be part of a criminal betting syndicate. The footage is thought to have been filmed several years ago since when the PM has seen his ratings plummet in response to numerous politically damaging events. Analysts are now reviewing the financial meltdown, the MPs expenses scandal and most recently Brown's widely publicised ‘bigot' comment to determine whether there was any element of deliberate sabotage on behalf of the PM.
An insider raised further concerns about whether an illicit deal had been made. ‘Supporters within the party have been privately dismayed and confused at Gordon Brown's performance in the last 18 months and it is only natural that this revelation will prompt voters to question whether major political failings have been engineered to provoke a fall in popularity.'
The Prime Minister reacted angrily to the accusations, saying he had only agreed to the idea to escape from the room. ‘It was awful in there, I was frightened. I just wanted to get away from Alistair Darling.'
FROM THE BLOGS
Here in Hyde Park on this lovely historic day,May the 6th,and the popcorn eating crowd are in high spirits to watch the hung Parliment.A cheer goes up as Albert perryponce dressed all in black,his sadistic rat like eyes poking through his hang mans mask as he places the noose round the first Mps neck,Gorden brown,looking his usual shabby self,still clutching his bag of broken promises and mumbleing to himself right up to deaths door.Next we have the materialistic mummys boy David cameron,his angelic baby face hiding the monster within,a long standing follower of greedy Hitlerite Margret Flatturlance,who will always be remembered for starving the miners and their children into submission,and taxing the poor,not forgetting her version of euthanasia on the mentally ill,death in the community.and we musnt forget her husband patron of alcohol annonamous and funder of the drinks industry,a proud statue of him stands in Trafalger square of him swimming in a giant gin bottle,what a guy.Next we have Nick Griffin,proof that you dont need a brain to become a MP,oh look hes wet himself ha ha poor old Nick a baffoon to the end,or should that be Babboon.Yes hes still babbling on blaming others for his and his party members own inadequacys.His young followers drunk in the crowd in their animal skins knuckles dragging on the floor as they show their support by shouting "Ug"Their older are proberly at home in their caves eating babies while watching on Tv with their ugly neo nasty wives.Oh look hers a face we havnt seen in a while John Major better known as major disaster,and Nick Clegg the let everyone out of prison.Oh look its Jeremy Kyle,hes not a Mp whats he doing on the gallows?he shouldnt be here,lets see what the crowd thinks?What shall we do with Jeremy Kyle?"Hang him Hang him"But hes done nothing wrong!"Hang him anyway"Shall I swop him for a MP?"Yes ....crucify him. crucify him...nail him up....crucify hi............................