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ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot - Early May 2003

The ancient Roman satirist Juvenal once said Difficile est satiram non scribere, which roughly translated means “It is difficult not to write satire”. That, of course, is a matter of opinion and open to several interpretations. Much like the events in the run-up to the elections.

We’ve all seen the LUNITY/PCS DEMOCRATS joint list. We've all heard the fine words of the Assorted Trots and the Undymen anticipating victory and a triumphant celebration at Conference in Blackpool this July. But not a peep from the Moderati – at least not in the public arena.No nomination list has been circulated. No Mod leader has made any public declaration with the singular exception of TED EWERS. And EWERS, the MAD MONK’S second in command in Revenue, has circulated his boring and pompous reasons for not standing for national re-election this time round to all and sundry while managing to omit the most important one – the fact that he hadn’t a hope of winning.

There has been a method in their madness, of course. CURRIE knew that to circulate their list would expose the Moderati to further ridicule if it failed to get through and there was no guarantee that the Moddies could get even one branch to pass the full list. So they’ve reverted to the old “secret” list of names on notepaper in the hope that most if not all their chosen few will get the nominations. In essence, the Moderati slate will only be drawn up when they see how many got through after the nominations close this week.

The fact that they are facing disaster has now been grasped by even the dimmest Mod. A few weeks ago some of them were still expecting a miraculous bounce-back perhaps riding the crest of Blair’s “victory” in Iraq or an anti-Trot media campaign headed by the GREAT SCOT himself to rally the troops and roll back the forces of darkness. Alas, REAMSBOTTOM is no more…

Well, that’s not entirely true…BARRY has been busy but his not-so-secret hopes of securing a sinecure from BLAIR have come to naught. In yet another ironic twist, it would appear that so blatant were RAMSBLADDER’S attempts to curry the PM’s favour during the Pathfinder Dispute that the Labour leader wisely concluded that the twisted little toad could not be trusted in government.

And while we’re on the subject of pond life let’s not forget LORD UNDY who is casting the runes and looking for the main chance once again. NOSFERUNDY had to make some difficult choices when then the joint list with the Trots was drawn up and dropping himself and SARAH JONES from the national slate was perhaps the easiest. Dumping major figures like TILLYER and DAVISON was a harder sacrifice though their poor showing in last year’s section poll had something to do with it. Keeping CHIEF BIOSAH and the equally useless JOHN McINALLY probably simply reflected their chances of actually winning and garnering the support of the “secret” high-caste UNITY bloc.

Our noble friend is looking to the long haul. UNDY knows SERWOTKA’S here for some time to come. He knows LANNING will always be a No.2, as he has been all his life. He also knows the Moderati are going to get a caning but no one knows by how much. Some Mods are privately saying that if they keep 11 seats on the NEC they’ll have done well. Others are more optimistic. Whatever happens all LORD FLICK needs is a number of UNDYMEN on the NEC to maintain a presence, demand full consultation and last but certainly not least, be well placed to woo the Moderati low-caste constituency in the battles to come.

SIR JAMES would like to see the total humbling of the JOCKOCRACY in this election. Those who are booted out may well then seek an early bath. Those who have nowhere to go will be discredited and UNDY will then be able to pick new low-caste stooges willing to serve his PCS Democrats and bag the vital votes needed for the time when he chooses to confront the TROTS. And that time will come when GODRICH has to stand down as President. That might seem a long way off, but when it comes UNDY will certainly want the post filled by SARAH JONES or another of his creatures.

So the dinosaurs march off for more bloodletting and behind them follow those who seek the spoils – like good old CHRIS FRAUD. The Friend of the Ukraine is hoping to bag a full-time post at FALCONCREST in the not too distant future though the first vacancy has already been awarded to BARRINGTON FUGE. Yes - the onetime star of the NEWCASTLE EIGHT has got his reward at last – in the Leeds Office. Fame at last and still greater than that granted by the gods to RED BACON, who appeared on Question Time in April and was brought in as “bald man with the beard at the back”.

Fama malum quo non aliud velocius ullum
“There is no evil swifter than rumour” -- Virgil