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by Judas Iscariot - November 2003

“It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it. That’s what gets results”

Back in the early 1980s Bananarama revived an old swing melody which contained these profound words and doubtless Iain Duncan Smith can reflect on them in the boundless retirement years to come now that he has been dumped by his former Tory colleagues. There is no doubt that it is crossing the minds of the LUNITY leadership in the run-up to the AGMs and next year’s elections.

Doing nothing was, of course, the chosen option in the past. The dead hand of the CPSA’s Moderati and the high-caste Commissars’ Secret Left worked on precisely that. And it worked for their leaders who filled their boots for years on the crop of full-time positions and juicy expenses-laden seats on the Executive.

It can’t work for the LUNITY chiefs. “What is to be done?” was how LENIN put it and if SERWOTKA and GODRICH forget it CHARLIE McDONALD and RED BACON are champing at the bit to remind them. But what can be done? Well, there’s always pay.

Now the one issue which virtually all the members are interested in is pay and how to get more. But it’s a problem that is not easily solved. Anyone can lose a pay campaign – just look at the firefighters. At the same time no-one ever really wins a pay campaign – though a good draw – is now as elusive as the Holy Grail these days. So LUNITY are looking for a way to strengthen their overall bargaining position in other ways – searching for a local or regional issue which could be won in a short, sharp dispute that would restore some of the credibility lost over Pathfinder. It’s not going to be easy.

And while the greatest minds in the LUNITY camp work on this problem the struggle for the heart and soul of the TROT-led bloc continues unabated. There’s still no consensus on the DGS question. Though everyone knows that MAREK wants his old comrade BATTLEMUCH at his side he’s got to overcome the opposition of the GODRICH camp who would much rather have one of their cronies from the old MENDICANT faction get the job.

PRATTLEMUCH got a taste of their venom when he put his name forward for the Birmingham full-time post in the belief that MAREK could swing it for him. SERWOTKA took the principled stand and withdrew from the panel to avoid any charges of favouritism, which inevitably led to the post being filled by DAVE CLIFF, a MILLY stooge.

Talking about stooges, MATT CLIFF, our trans-Atlantic cousin given a juicy job in Research during the RAMSBLADDER regime, has at last fucked off for the quieter climes of Surrey University.

Meanwhile HUGH LANNING has launched his bid for the DGS post suitably refreshed after taking a break at his villa in Tuscany. There he grew a beard in a vain attempt to hide his double chin but was advised to shave it off when he got back as it made him look a bigger fool than he really is – which is indeed something of achievement.

Needless to say the launch began with a campaign dinner for a hand-picked number of full-time officials at an expensive restaurant in London. It ended with the Great Man thanking them for their pledges of support in his usual pompous way. While DUGGAN, CAMPBELL and TOM GRINGO made the usual polite noises to justify the amounts of food and drink they had consumed HUGO was floored when IR supremo GRAHAM STEEL cheerily declined on the grounds that he was going to stand for DGS too!.

One person who won’t be standing is BERNIE WILLIAMS. His miserable campaign to get the Moderati nomination ended almost as soon as it began and he will soon be taking early retirement – though he doesn’t know it yet. Going down the well has been replaced by visits to the hospital though at his last one he was still sober enough to notice a copy of the CPSA history “From Humble Petition to Militant Action” in the waiting room – autographed by MARION CHAMBERS and the hated BARRY REAMSBOTTOM.

Meanwhile MARTIN BOYLE has gone into training for the DGS race claiming that he’s cutting down on the jungle juice though all that means is that he’s stopped drinking in the office for the moment. And Martin is not going to get a shoe-in either. The four Moderati Maidens on the NEC are eating out of Mr PRIESTLEY’S hand while STUART CURRIE is making his comeback largely at the expense of BOIL and his ex-DEMOCRATIC LEFT sidekicks.

The rift goes back a long way and it reflects the two camps, which have dominated the Moderati for many years. On one hand there was the old Moderate machine – a motley crew of right-wing Labour, Liberal and Tory supporters which was led by MARION CHAMBERS. On the other was the JOCKOCRACY dominated by DIM LEFT leaders like BOYLE & McCANN who flocked to BARRY in the stampede for full-time posts when the GREAT SCOT seized power.

When the going was good – and it was until last year – it worked wonderfully. But BARRY’s determination to risk it all in a desperate bid to get his job back blew the whole thing apart.

The Mods had an overall majority on the old NEC and BARRY exerted his influence over the majority of them through his creature McGOWAN even though CURRIE was the theoretical “leader” of the NEC bloc. This was opposed by BUNTER and his own clique mainly drawn from the traditional Mod members on the NEC.

BUNTER opposed the 4 DGS paper that he saw for the first time when it dropped through his letter-box. This reversal of the traditional Moderati demand for the election of all SFTO posts was defeated at the MOD NEC group pre-meeting on the eve of the NEC. But at a Mod social that night BARRY’s chums put the screws on a number of his supporters and in the morning the decision was reversed. STUART threatened to publicly oppose it if it ever came to a vote and three of his NEC supporters threatened to resign from the National Moderate Group altogether and only desisted following a personal appeal from BUNTER himself – who needed their votes.

As the court cases piled up the Mods had to consider their tactics over the appeal. BARRY called a meeting of the entire Mod NEC group in Edinburgh on the correct assumption that only the JOCKOCRACY would turn up. Those that did were presented with a fait accompli as the appeal had already been lodged. BUNTER dared to stand up to BARRY arguing that the appeal was suicide and it was costing the Moddies massive support across the country but offering to back the appeal if a meeting of the entire NEC National Moderate group backed it.

RAMSBLADDER said that he couldn’t organise such a meeting, as he no longer possessed a union phone to call them and then launched into a ten-minute tirade against the FAT MAN for his treachery.
BUNTER then made another bid to heal the rift by meeting McGOWAN to warn him that a number of Mods would not support the appeal when it came up on the NEC unless there was a full meeting of the group to discuss the proposal.

McGOWAN dismissed the rebels as “cowards” with the usual threats of being dropped from the list that he had learnt from BARRY’s enforcers. BUNTER then said that if that happened he would join the other Moderati rebels, which would ensure its defeat on the NEC.

This had to be put to BARRY who realised, after he had overcome his rage, that the game was up. The Mods called a meeting with SERWOTKA and JANICE to ensure that BARRY would get his legal fees paid along with his lump sum and pension. This was agreed - though had they known that BARRY’s crowd would have lost if it came to vote it might have been another story.

"That’s the way to do it!"
Mr Punch