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BY JUDAS ISCARIOT - NOVEMBER 2007

Down in the dug-outs the smell of roast chestnuts hovers over the braziers as we get ready to decorate the Christmas tree knowing that the winter offensive has been put on hold following Management's offer of more talks. But on the DWP front no-one knows whether to light up the Yule log or drape the camouflage netting over the trenches following the GEC's decision to go for another strike ballot in the run-up to the winter solstice.

And from afar the distant rumbling of the guns can be heard as George Galloway's RESPECT Party tears itself apart in a factional blood-bath reminiscent of CPSA in the good old days. GEORGEOUS GEORGE has purged the SWP now that they are no further use to him leaving the SOCIALIST WANKERS with a "Respect Unity Coalition" that consists solely of themselves, less the three members of their Central Committee expelled for siding with GALLOWAY. Four Respect councillors in Tower Hamlets are in the SWP camp, including our own OILY RAHMAN, who says he's had his windows smashed and been set upon by pro-GALLOWAY thugs. Others are claiming somewhat mischievously that OILY made it all up for the sympathy vote.

It seems Serwotka had a very busy weekend as he spoke at meetings of the Labour Representation Committee (Labour Left), the Socialist Party's Socialism 2007 (had to keep the GRANDEES happy!) and finally ended up at the SWP backed "Official" RESPECT Conference. Apparently he declined to speak at Galloway's RESPECT Renewal Conference as he believed in unity. (You'll have to think about that contradictory statement).

This is what he said:

"I was as happy as anyone when George Galloway won in Bethnal Green & Bow, and when the Respect councillors were elected ... I have declined to speak to the Renewal conference, and I'll tell you why. I have always believed in unity. Who is the happiest when some people split from Respect? Gordon Brown. He sees this as an opportunity. My appeal is for unity, but there can never be unity in a left-wing organisation when people attack and witch hunt other socialists."

Nor is everything well in the BIG TENT but it has nothing to do with the rumble in Respect. Last week KEVIN KELLY was purged by the SOCIALIST PARTY (SP) Grandees after he was accused of making "inappropriate financial claims" on the union. Despite repeated warnings from his former comrades about his "exorbitant" claims for child care and transport (We've been told NOT TO MENTION THE SUIT, so we won't) he has continued willy-nilly and "our Kev" is now under investigation. The SP claim that his "behaviour has recently fallen far below acceptable standards. He has let down the union and the left by his attitude toward finance, accountability and by his refusal to work constructively with the union's left leadership" and he's been dropped from the VP list.
KEVIN denies all of this and says he doesn't know why he's been purged. According to the GRANDEES it is his actions that have put the issues in the public domain.


"Hey, Subs Spender! Wake up!"

 

KELLY, who has developed a taste for power since becoming a National VP of PCS is digging his heels in and he's fighting to retain his Vice Presidency together with his glamorous assistant and constant companion, SEVI YESIDALLI, who has also put the Socialist Party behind her. Between them they are running a campaign against all the LU BIG GUNS whilst JOHN MCINALLY steps into the breach to take the LUNITY nomination for VP. SEVI has been bombarding SERWOTKA, JANICE and others with abusive e-mails and texts because they won't bow to her demands in her MET POLICE fiefdom. SEVI has also been dumped and her place in the BIG TENT has been taken by the totally useless ADAM KHALIF (DWP Half Asleep Branch).

Now some of her followers are threatening to join the INDEPENDENT LEFT'S tiny circus (prop: LEE ROCK and CHARLIE MACDONALD). The Grandees believe that these dissidents are too mad even for the likes of ROCK & Co. As the elections approach and neither KEV or SEVI are expected to win an LU internal election, ROCK will be hoping for further defections to his TINY TENT where new clowns are badly needed.

PROUD unless you work as a PCS member in Immigration

The content of the LGBT event was much more politically far left than previous LGBT seminars. The theme for the recent weekend was 'international issues' and the issue of LGBT Asylum seekers featured most heavily.

You can guess where this is going....Two asylum seekers spoke and made quite a vicious attack on our members in the Immigration Service. Accusing them of 'treating them like animals', being ignorant, inhumane and not understanding their jobs properly. But it didn't end here, one LU speaker said the decision makers were 'stupid', then half jokingly said 'we know who you are, we're coming to get you!' No wonder Proud second in command Jeff Grist told delegates 'what is said in this room, stays in this room, understood?' A PCS rep from the immigration service gave a talk about the difficult job they do, but was attacked from the floor in the Q&A by the LU mob.

The National Black Members Forum is in meltdown. Irked by the NEC's desire to see a democratic structure of elected reps taking part (rather than their preferred structure of any PCS members just turning up based on the colour of their skin and being allowed to debate and vote), they turned on the 3 NEC delegates, Hector WESLEY, Zita HOLBORNE and the eponymous SEVI (popular gal) who resigned. The divorce has reached the ears of the GS who has banned any further meetings of the NBMF - one was scheduled for 20 th November - until the issue has been debated by the NEC on 27 th November. "White man prevents free association for blacks" as a headline does not paint the true picture. Both sides are now entrenched and Sevi will soon be running out of things to be expelled or resign from.

In the rest of FACTIONWORLD, 4TM met in London and York in November to rubber-stamp their slate. LES PRIESTLEY supervised the York meeting and the 14 dupes who turned up in London were entertained by Messrs BRYSON and FULLERSHIT. The list contains no surprises with perennial loser JOHN MOFFAT for president and JAKE WILDE running for the VP. While 4TM supporters still maintain that they are capable of presenting a serious challenge to the Grandees in the polls, most observers think they've got a fight on their hands to get more than the one seat they currently hold on the NEC.

Last September GILL WHITTAKER (DWP Notts, see PFLs passim) grandly resigned from the service stating that she had been short-listed for the Chesterfield constituency by New Labour. WITLESS WHITTAKER seemed to think the nomination would be a walk-over despite being a member of "Trotsky's Independent Traders" aka the "INDEPENDENT LEFT" and a crony of the utterly mad LEE ROCK . Predictably this BROWN BABE wannabee was rejected and now WITLESS is grovelling to DWP Management to get her old job back. Who knows what promises she will have had to make to keep up her side of the bargain?

Still in the Midlands, CHRIS MAY , the recently appointed Senior National Officer in Birmingham, claims that MARK SERWOTKA is proud of the fact that Chris was the first SNO that he has been responsible for appointing. But MAY didn't mention at his interview or subsequently, that he was a very willing volunteer in doing the bidding of Welsh windbag NEIL KINNOCK all those years ago in "cleansing" the Labour Party of MENDICANT followers in the West Midlands. Poor old MAREK. One day he'll get STEVE BATTLEMUCH a job. One day...

4TM enforcer, bodyguard and former Moderati has-been DAMIAN CARR, who's been off sick since he was booted off his GEC spent his time wisely swotting up on "spiritualism". In the old day the only spirits DAMIAN communicated with came out of a bottle. Now he's a registered charlatan and should you wish to discover what's beyond the veil check out his be the change - tread the path website. http://soulterminal.com/

Xmas always starts early back at Chateau Falconcrest as full-timers draw up their card lists, fill their engagements diaries and look forward to their winter holidays. Some, like MICKY DUGGAN, are preparing for the after-life of retirement, though the south London bruiser still tells all and sundry that he's "the only man" who can stand against MAREK in the next GS race. Others, like Facilities Manager JULIAN BURTON, are keeping their heads down. BURTON blotted his copy-book during the recent postal strike by telling all and sundry that there was no problem as far as Falconcrest was concerned as he had organised the delivery of PCS mail bags by Post Office Management lackeys for the duration. When MAREK heard this he stopped the scab run immediately and gave his minion a bollocking. Poor JULIAN still doesn't know what all the fuss was about. PCS Personnel Man NIGEL PIERCE, on the other hand, is a man to avoid. He's fond of holding staff meetings in the canteen at lunch-time, partly so that he can claim his lunch on expenses but largely so that he can bore everyone he's dragooned to his pep-talks about the saga of his brilliant career. This usually takes the best part of an hour and few ever get a word in edgeways. His wit and wisdom can be gauged by his latest maxim - "lawyers are as useless as a pork chop at a Jew's wedding".

NICK SHITE, late of this union, will doubtless be spending NOEL in his new retirement home in the south of France. It must be a long, long commute for his missus, DOZY EAGLESON, though..

Back in Geordieland we're pleased to note that the Benton Park View Branch has finally sold their far from clapped-out sound system to a Community Centre in Newcastle. Big Fat Geordie Bastard JOE COX (DWP CSA BPV) who had his eyes on it was playing a waiting game hoping that the price quoted by McHUGH would come down. Indeed it did. It was reduced to a bargain £200 and if JOE wants to hear the system again he can pop along to the tea dances and local kiddies discos that are now using the equipment!

Pessimum genus inimicorum laudantes

Flatterers are the worst type of enemies

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

(4 BC -- 65 AD)


OLYMPIC GAMES 2012

As you already know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know is that many aspects of the games have been especially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games East London 's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, an Uzi, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager, while the wife will be told not to make him any supper when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, happy-slapping, joyriding and arson.

Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the synchronized swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided.

Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford, especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by The Walthamstow Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

LATE NEWS

Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above, but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio, and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.