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MAGAZINE - SPRING 1993

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

FRANK CAMPBELL demonstrated his legendary competence recently when he installed a new washing machine. He plugged it in and set the programme and went out. While he was out, the Fire Brigade had to break into his house to rescue his dog and cat from the ensuing flood.

Those two intellectual giants WILLIAM WATSON and TONY ROUSE have been hounding fellow MODR8 TREFOR HEYWOOD, telling all and sundry that TREFOR, who shares digs with them when they are all down for the NEC, shits in his bed. HEYWOOD's indignant protests only stirred the dynamic duo to an even greater height of wit: while Trefor slept on they crept into his bedroom and Liberally smeared his sheets with HP sauce. in the morning, a shamefaced Trefor slithered down to breakfast mumbling "it's never happened before... it must have been that Mexican I had last night."

Incidentally, the second prize in the MODR8's raffle at Brighton this year is going to be a gallon of Whisky - made up from 92 freebie miniatures fromBritish Airways, courtesy of WILLIE himself.

The Legend of our General Treasurer KEITH WHO? continues to be enhanced. The MODR8 camp are praising him for the vast amounts of VAT money he has apparently saved the Union. What they fail to mention is that this particular work was done by contract accountants hired for the purpose. A proposal first made by the much-maligned CHRIS KIRK and slated by the Moderate NEC at the time.

It's been fun and games at DE Runcorn. Last February an HEO, whose name escapes me, assumed that there were 31 days in the month and programmed the staff payroll computer for the entire country accordingly. Total chaos followed as no payments were made on the 26th. Complaints poured in to Personnel and CPSA HQ. Two conclusions can be drawn from this: 1. Wasn't it fortunate that the complaints came on the only day that DE full-timer JOHN HICKEY has taken this year for Annual Leave? 2. Doesn't it bode well for Runcorn's in-house bid under Market Testing?

Talking of which, Newcastle Central Office had better watch their step: Peter Lilley, their thrusting Minister has been much impressed by figures which suggest that the entire computer output done at Newcastle could be farmed out to the Philippines, where the wage is a generous 37p a day.

NCO's AGM was quite eventful: Senior TROT TERRY MARTIN was unceremoniously chopped from the SEC. Guest speaker RAMSBLADDER spoke for 15 minutes and the assembled TROT chorus harangued him for a further 40 minutes at the end of which Branch Sec JOE LE TAXI moved adoption of the Annual Report and Branch Chair CHAS CLUELESS closed the meeting. Because of the TROT time wasting antics debates on over 60 motions to conference were Lost.

Back in the smoke-filled rooms the action centres around the race for the Presidency, even though MARION's victory is a foregone conclusion. Except in the mind of ALBERT ASTBURY who is convinced he is going to make CPSA history and win power in what may even turn out to be a five horse race. ALBERT has a lot to lose if he loses: after the abortive merger vote Albert stood down from all his CPSA posts as he lined himself up for the juicy post of DTUS Secretary, but he did not realise that the post did not carry 100% facility time and the LCD began to demand that Grade 7 Albert do some work for them for a change.

Our Albert's immediate response was to run for the SEC to bring his time up to the magical 100%. Unfortunately he couldn't find any member or officer noble enough to stand down to let him take their place. So, if he doesn't get the Presidency he will certainly be forced to shoulder the Departmental responsibilities he has avoided for much of his professional life. FACT: ASTBURY last held a pen in anger in 1966.

The MENDICANT ploy to split BL84 by advancing Albert seems to have misfired and now it seems that it is the BORED LEFT itself which might split: SOCIALIST ORGANISER, the front of a Trot secret society called the INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST LEAGUE has thrown MAREK SERWOTKA's hat into the ring. The SERWOTKA (DSS Warsaw) bandwagon is already rolling. They somehow `obtained' the entire SOCIALIST WANKERS Civil Service membership list and have united every CPSA member with a "VOTE SERWOTKA" address.

This has undermined the already shaky MENDICANT led backing for ASTBURY and some SWPers are openly calling for a group decision to formally back MAREK. The SOGGIES move reflects a general ICL line for a withdrawal from all Broad Left's in the TU movement in favour of a rank and file movement totally run by themselves. MAREK is now deemed to have `resigned' from the BORED LEFT. Look out for the revival of REDDER TAPE in the next few months. Incidentally ASTBURY is currently appearing on a TROT state for SERTUC.

But back to the EX-LEFT 84 schisms: the fourth horse is the PISSHEAD ticket featuring the unlikely trio of MOFFATT/ McCABE/ SCREECH and backed at this stage only by the Licensed Victuallers Association. `84 supremos are said to be beside themselves at this insubordination, but it only serves them right for falling for the old wooden horse ploy and allowing themselves to get lumbered with no-hoper ALBERT.

And the fifth horse? Well, at the Crown Prosecution Service AGM, one member who was not even on the BEC put up his own name for the Presidency. When asked why, he replied "Why not - everybody else is!" Good Luck to him - at least he's more honest than the other candidates.

MALCOLM HOWARTH, the stalwart MOD NEC and DHSS Section Secretary has decided to stand down from all his posts to `spend more time with his family' His decision has absolutely nothing to do with his habit of taking annual leave whenever an election takes place.

STEVE CAWKWELL refers to himself in his SEC election address as a `left wing extremist'. Shock, horror, yawn...

REDS
By Kim Philby

STEVE CORBISHLEY, the loathsome former TROT has returned to London. This time it appears to be for good. Old timers will have fond memories of the bearded RED troublemaker with his endless babble about TROTSKY and REVOLUTION. How glad we all were when he dumped his comrades in the INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST LEAGUE to build a new Life for himself in Australia.

There, he rediscovered his CATHOLIC roots and returned to the Church, becoming a Lawyer at the same time. Now, the richly dressed CORBISHLEY hopes to crawl back into the Civil Service, praying that his past RED life will by now have been forgotten. The ex-TROT has no intention of returning to the ranks. He has set his sights on becoming a legal advisor in Customs and Excise for a mere £24,000 per annum, though, as he explained to his erstwhile cronies at the British Library, this would still be a big drop in income compared to what he was getting in the land of Skippy.

Members at DE South Glamorgan thought they were getting a hard earned break when MARTIN JOHN the arrogant SOCIALIST WANKER resigned as Branch Secretary to take a `career break' in Further Education. Not so. PIERS FREELOVE, a fellow SWOOP stooge, appointed himself in JOHN's place. Unfortunately the fat fool was so hopeless in the job that within a few months the BEC no-confidenced him and booted him off the Committee for good measure. Old hands will remember that PIERS' major claim to fame in London was when he was at the top table at a REDDER TAPE conference back in the 70's. He leant back so far that his chair overturned. The ROTUND RED was totally unable to get up and remained on his back like a beetle, kicking his legs in the air until he was lifted to safety.

The Sheffield Martyrs Strike is causing further dissent among the REDS as they all blame each other for the way it has been handled. It originally centred around a drive to get rid of a local Nazi employed there, who has now been arrested, but Management used the issue to victimise 16 of the staff, 2 of whom have been downgraded and the rest given written warnings.

The dominant SOCIALIST WANKER faction has been accused of cynically using the issue to promote their own national recruitment drive and, more to the point, of organising the action in a cavalier style. It comes as no surprise to us to hear of votes not reported to FALCONCREST nor of one instance where the local SWP rep took a strike vote on a simple show of hands on a Friday and then called for a walkout there and then, thus ensuring that his members lost a further 2 days pay for the Weekend.

Finally, Cheerio to Cde BATTLEMUCH, like his compadre going for a `career break' at university after Conference.

And it' s Bye-Bye to DOREEN PERVERT and KEVIN McWHO who have both been promoted to the sunnier climes of NUCPS. Drinking won't be the same without them.

And So Long to COUNT "BIG NOSE" KOWALSKI and "LOVERBOY" COLLINS for similar reasons. Neither should really be in this colunm, but they could certainly drink!

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EPILOGUE: Croney has now resigned his position as Asst. Sec because of this and is now crying in his beer.

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EVES DROPPINGS

What's the difference between Martin Boyle and Jimmy Boyle? Jimmy Boyle's been rehabilitated. (Mick McCann)

You have to blow Marion up bigger than that for proper impact. (Roy Lewis)

I have to be drunk, it's frightening. (Dave Allen)

If you've bought something like that you want it eaten property. (Stuart Collins)

I always lie about the size, it makes me feel better. (Rob Leitch)

I did enjoy sister Jarvis. (Tony Rouse)

If I had revised as much at school as I have now, I would be marvellous. (Dave Allen)

If I was offered a choice between a good meal and sex, I'd choose the meal. (Bernie Williams)

it's horrible seeing an After Eight box being abused Like that. (Stuart Collins)

Tony, I'll give you one tomorrow. (McCabe to Rouse)

Not Gilhespy stories all night, we've had Jarvis ones already. (Mason Boil)
Well, at least he's had the decency to go (John Hickey)

You have to be Pacific. (Rod Bacon)

Stuart Collins? Oh yeah, he's the guy who talks to your boobs. (Anna Valentini)

I've always been a bit weird. (Jim Hanson)

You can't keep playing with it, the edges will go all furry. (BRONCO)

It's a waste of money consulting the members. (Mark Serwotka - first said in 1989)

THINGS THEY NEVER SAID

If Albert wins the presidency good luck to him. (Marion)

John Ellis is a hard act to follow. (Ramsbladder)

No more for me lads, I mast get home to the wife. (Ian Thompson)

Whatever else happens, we must keep Ian Brooke on the NEC. (Father Rouse)

Hard work is its own reward. (Kowalski)

I'm certain that this little misunderstnding won't stand in the way of the genuine friendship between Mark and myself. (Astbury)

I'm going to sort out this `Catholic Stranglehold' nonsense once and for all. (Duggan)

I simply must pay the Full Timers more expenses. (Keef Mills)

WHAT DO WE WANT? MODERATION! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? IN DUE COURSE! (Serwotka)

WHISKY? What's that? (Ramsbladder, Boyle, McCann, McCabe, Leitch, Samuels, Macrae, Cardownie, Campbell, Big Nose, Watson et al)

Management in DE really care for their staff. (Hickey)

Actually, was all true! (Newcastle 8)

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BERNIE WILLIAMS - A RECORD OF POLITICAL ACUMEN

BERNIE's reputation on these matters has led to his return from the calm of the ASSEMBLY to battle-torn DHDSS Section. BLADDER arid MARlON should however be warned that his recent forays into political predictions is not all that encouraging.

CPSA: foresees a joint MODR8/BL'84 slate of ELLIS and CAMPBELL sweeping the board for GS and DGS, and a KIRK victory in a three way fight for GT. with STANSFIELD as runner-up.

Domestic: whilst all around him prepare to celebrate a KINNOCK victory, our seer disagrees and predicts a hung Parliament - with ASHDOWN holding the balance of power.

INTERNATIONAL: dismissing all talk of a DEMOCRAT revival, the great man insists BUSH will retain the Presidency of the USA.

Members in DSS desirous of knowing whether the CHARLATANS will regain power from the TROTS need only, on this record, approach WILLIAMS for a prediction, safe in the knowledge that whatever he envisages, the opposite will be guaranteed.