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MAGAZINE - SUMMER 1988

TROTTING HOME TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

The storming of the once impregnable MENDICANT fortress of NEWCASTLE CENTRAL OFFICE by a crap force of hired thugs (MASON BOYLE, FIDEL COLLINS and BABY FACE WILLIAMS) has rocked the Nation and sent the massed readers of MENDICANT into paroxysms of hate. Armed with nothing more than a file of trumped up charges about misappropriation of Branch funds to keep FUDGE and PERVERT in Chinese Takeaways, lager and personal stationery (2 lorryloads of A4), the avenging BLESSED MARION, BRUNO in tow, swept into the CPSA office in Longbenton and stood smirking as the repulsive BOYLE snarled "Ye've got 5 minutes tae clear yer desks - and dinnae come back wi'oot an escort!" Deaf to the squawks of TROT outrage, EL PRESIDENTE commandeered the office Tannoy and treated the gobstruck NCO workforce to a 20 minute harangue on the evils of MENDICANT.

The PRESIDENT'S MEN are now charged not only with running the branch, but with planting the "evidence" needed for the mass exorcism which BRUNO has been planning for the past year in revenge for humiliation at the hands of the TROTS. They will surely have to do better than spineless OLIVER'S whinge about wellies in cupboards and mouldy sandwiches under piles of paper standard CPSA office decor we thought - but with the sullen MENDICANTS, banished to the outer reaches and new locks fitted to the doors, there should be plenty of time for fabrication of the required dirt.

The splendidly unbiased preliminary report by Icepick salesman and Trotophobe PIERRE THOMASON points the way with juicy revelations of intimidation, fixing of elections and abuse of Facilities. A breathless membership now awaits further revelations. Will the PERVERT fade away through lack of Chinese Takeaways? Will BABY FACE WILLIAMS find true love or settle for TERRY MARTIN and 10 pints of lager? Watch this space...

REG'S CORNER
"I'm not about to lie still while you cut my throat!
"I'm not about kicking over cans of worms"
"I'm not about going up a blind alley in a log jam"
"If I was a crude bastard..."
"None of you here are bloody Jesus Christ"
"I won't teach an old dog to suck eggs"

___________________________________________________________

AN RSL OF A TIME AT OXFORD

Loyal agents of the Popular Front organised the recent CPSA advanced course at Ruskin to stage a lightweight bout between NIGEL SHEEHAN and Yorkshire Soviet Politburo member RICHARD JOHANSEN who was seconded by his fan club (Richard Johansen). Unfortunately, our match reporter NICKED BARNES was released from the SCRUBS too late to pick up his credentials and turned up at the wrong event; viz a basic training course for future Islamic cadres. "I realised it couldn't have been a particularly arduous course when I saw that DAVE WOOD was one of the instructors" slurred an embarrassed BARNES when he finally staggered into the right venue midway through the second day.

Meanwhile, the burke from the MENDICANT foothold of TUNBRIDGE WELLS informed fellow cadres that the intro of New Technology would bring about inevitable and significant Job Losses. This met with approving nods from YOHANSEN who clearly supports the reduction in Civil Service workload. Members in Land Registry may raise an eyebrow or two, however, given McVicar's much trumpeted `No Job Loss' deal. Presumably this welcome change of policy can be put down to MENDICANT'S belated acceptance of BL'84's New Realism.

We can now reveal that CROSS BIFF has been ordered to lift the attack on the General Secretary's official CPSA underpants and to renegotiate the LR agreement to include as many job losses as possible.

____________________________________________________________

NIGEL SHEEHAN IS 59 STONES TODAY ____________________________________________________________

INTERCEPTED MAIL

50 Queen Anne's Gate
London SW1H 9AT
Tel 01 213 3772
Branch Secretary:
PHIL MARSTON

Graham Belchamber
CPSA Room 07
St John's House
BOOTLE

11 December 87

Dear Graham
I write following the visit to Bootle by Phil and Kash on 30 November. Whilst in your Union Room Kash believes he saw you open a package from CPSA Headquarters, the contents of which you threw straight into the bin.

When throwing some rubbish away later, Kash saw that what you had discarded was in fact the sub-branch's entire consignment of `CPSA News'. Hopefully that edition of CPSA News had already been distributed to all your members and what you threw away was surplus to requirements. However, should this not be the case then this is a very serious matter.

I understand that you personally might not agree with the decision to supply members with information direct from their elected NEC. This does not give you the right however to decide what our members can or cannot have sight of. The NEC have decided to issue CPSA News in the belief that a bright, informative and readable broadsheet will give the rank and file a better insight of what their elected officials are or are not doing. They see it as a move towards greater accountability - vital in a democracy such as CPSA.

No doubt the issue of whether this move was a correct one will be raised at next year's Conference. Then members will have the right to support or oppose the initiative in a democratic fashion. Branch and sub-branch officials making unilateral decisions as to what they should or should not allow members to see flies in the face of democracy.

I would be grateful for an immediate response. You will appreciate that this is a matter of considerable concern therefore I am copying this letter to Eddie Spence and Les Mitchell.

Yours

MICHELE HUBBLE Branch Chair

Dear Michelle

WASTE DISPOSAL ARRANGEMENTS - ST JOHN'S HOUSE, BOOTLE

Thank you for your recent piece of pointless correspondence dated December 11th. To answer your point directly, paragraph four, first sentence only, of your letter applies. I must admit that I am surprised at the obvious contradiction in your letter. You state that "this is a matter of considerable concern."

If the issue is so serious why did neither Kash or Phil raise it with me during their visit as they had plenty of time to do so? As another committee member commented on seeing your letter "they didn't have the bottle"? There is also the question of you copying your letter to the Section Chair and Section Secretary.

I know both of these postholders well and I can safely say that they have far more important and pressing concerns than what lines the bins in St John's House. For the future, if you consider it necessary I will monitor the bin in our union room for the next few months and give you a breakdown - item by item - of every piece of waste be it surplus NEC News, broad left literature or empty crisp packets that enters it. You can be rest assured that your letter will be the first item in it today. My last point is that if you wish to indulge in a campaign of scoring political brownie points then I suggest you consult your elders and betters in the militant tendency/ broad left who have far more knowledge and experience in these types of matters than the likes of you.

To conclude, I am taking this matter seriously - so seriously that I bothered to reply and to prove that smears on my character such as your accusations concern. me, I am copying this letter just as you, to a whole host of people including my mother. May I take this opportunity to wish you and the militant tendency/broad left a Happy Christmas and every failure possible in the New Year.

Yours in Comradeship

GRAHAM BELCHAMBER
Cc E Spence L Mitchell Mrs. E Belchamber

____________________________________________________________

Comradely Greetings to our comrades the YORKSHIRE SOVIET whose bits we occasionally liberate - and only afterwards ask if we can use - as on this occasion. I have altered the layout slightly for technical reasons. Web thingy. Hint - take a print.

C.P.S.A. CONFERENCE BULLETIN NUMBER 2sc
ISSUED BY THE HIGH COMMAND
IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE FIELD HQ
CONFERENCE ATTACHE YORKSHIRE SOVETSKIKH

DO-IT-YOURSELF CONFERENCE NEWS ITEMS

The Conference Field HO Attaché appreciates that many delegates and observers are concerned about Leaving the floor to answer calls of nature, track down people who owe them money, write speeches and leaflets etc in case they miss some exciting incident'. Also many Comrades are too poor and politically correct to buy the majority of the daily rags to see if CPSA has been reported. To prevent this feeling that you might have missed something the Yorkshire Sovetskikh have prepared in advance all the likely stories.

Simply select any phrase from each numbered column and place in the appropriate space in the frame. Hey Presto no need to buy a paper.

Yesterday at CPSA Conference in Bournemouth (1) & (2) laid siege to (3) demanding (4) as a consequence of (5) by (6). The President Marion Chambers (7). A call for further action from (8) & (9). Called into comment at the request of the General Secretary, John Ellis, the CPSA Solicitors said " (10) ".

(1)
a horde of
a wild eyed mob of
two friendless
trendily dressed
intoxicated
bewildered
everybody but
distressed
previously unknown
(2)
Militants
SWPers
Moderates
Ralph Groves supporters
Micky Duggan lookalikes
representatives of the press
first time observers
LCD Cheshire and N.Wales
guest house owners
4th International Grouplet
(3)
the top table
the Conference hall doors
tea room staff
Ralph Groves
the microphone
overcrowded toilets
a hapless steward
the President
the Conference
an empty seat
(4)
the election results
the return of Martin Smith
2 teas without sugar
free drinks
adoption of a 60 page manifesto
a shock, horror probe
credential-free admission
Ian Reilly to be gagged
cash now
that someone listen to them
(5)
an earlier statement
issue of leaflets
an interesting contribution
financial disclosures
a stitch up
the pubs being closed early
unsubstantiated rumours
an interminable speech
cheques bounced
being completely ignored
(6)
John Ellis
concensus
nobody in particular
those in the know
Standing Orders Committee
the police
Full-Time Officers
Ian Reilly
all and sundry
the President's hairdresser
(7)
threatened to abandon Conference
set the bouncers on the culprits
asked why she had not been advised
accused them of being silly & immature
called on Micky Duggan to speak
said her dog would sort it out
told those responsible to leave the hall
to everyones amazement, agreed
told John Macreadie to pay them off
got bored and fell asleep
(8)
a vocal minority
a very vocal Susan 'arrison
long suffering venue staff
the Samaritans
Mickey Duggan
the Editor
observers present
LCD Delgates
hotel owners
wet liberals
(9)
was then ignored
caused the roof to fall in
resulted in the return of teacups
could not be heard for laughter
lasted 20 minutes
was misreported in newspapers
woke the NEC
got relevant motions "X" marked
caused John Macreadie to faint
resulted in another factional split
(10)
We'll make money out of this
We 'll represent all parties involved
It could cost you a fortune
What?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
We can sue and make a mint
Calling me from the bar just cost you £150
Asking me to speak just cost you £250
Well done
Does anyone want good legal representatives at competitive rates?

___________________________________________________________

DAVID BELLAMY WABBITS ON
"Good evening fellow ornithologists. Hasn't it been fun watching at Bournemouth this week - such a pleasant change fwom Blackpool with all those seagulls. For those of you who spent the week asleep and for the hard of thinking, here is a summawy of the weeks events.

Suwpwisingly we've seen a bweed many thought an endangered species, the MODBIRD or GWEATER BWAINLESS TITHEAD, making a bit of a comeback. This bweed, easily identified by its conventional plumage and suwpwising ability to fly stwaight to the top of the twee, was in danger of disappeawing - vewy few chicks have hatched in wecent years, and many fail to survive their early period of gwowth - unable to weach good positions on bwanches - but perhaps a gweater danger was its tendency to sit perfectly still on its nest and do absolutely nothing, no matter what happened. Even thweats by appwoaching pwedators are wesolutely ignored.

Wumours were being put about wecently that the species had given wise to a mutant stwain - believed to be the DEMI MOD or LESSER BWAINLESS TITHEAD. But they seem to have become extinct thwough lack of bweeding pairs.

Meanwhile, other species have gone into a marked decline. Most at risk are the MILIBIRD or COMMON TWOT, identified by its loud waucous voice and distinctive repetitive call "This week's Militant - 30p", together with its cousin the WORKERBIRD or LESSER SPOTTED TWOT, often confused for its bigger bwother because of the similar call "This week's Socialist Worker - 30p". Other similawities include the joint tendency to flock in large numbers near potential breeding sites waving wed and white nesting matewials and to attack anything that doesn't look like a Twot.

The fascinating thing is that they have now started competing for the same nesting sites using more and more aggressive mating displays and striking postures in an increasingly despewate attempt to attract mates - even fwom other species. Even as we speak, many of them are gathering to shout at each other before weturning to their native bweeding gwounds in the North East of England, Parts of Scotland, London and Liverpool.

Another species often confused with Twots, the CAUCUSBIRD or WELSHWANKER, is not actually a Twot at all, but it spends so much time flocking with Twots that only weal experts can tell them apart.

All thwee species share an otherwise unique handicap. They can only look in one diwection - Left - and can often be heard quawweling about which diwection that is. In fact they will usually attack any other bird in flight unless it is alweady flying in the diwection they want - and what that may be often depends on which way they were facing when they took off. Better news, though, for those on the lookout for new species. The 84BIRD or COMMON SELLOUT, first spotted in Manchester in 1984 appears to be thriving on a wemarkable symbiosis with the Modbird, whereby the latter gives up its territory to the former but wetains a majority of the nesting sites.

This amazing new species appears to have been the wesult of a natural catastrophe which led to terminal myopia in the former BEE-ELBIRD (it kept flying into bwick Twots). The survivors mutated into the Milibirds and 84Birds. The most distinctive feature of the 84Bird is its ability to fly in any diwection - often simultaneously - which usually prevents it actually awwiving anywhere. This is pwobably due to its somewhat limited diet, as it is notable for being the only species whose diet is entirely based on alcohol. Like most animals whose diet is low in nutwitional value, the 84Bird has to compensate by spending most of its waking time merely searching for and consuming vast quantities of this low quality liquid lunch.

Finally, a word about wawer species. A close comwade of the 84Bird is the COMMIBIRD, a wecent immigwant fwom Eastern Euwope which has established more vawieties than all other species put together. Its latest sub-species - the COMMIBIRD "B" - has been limited to a single sighting in Coventry. It is not known at this stage whether a bweeding pair exists."

____________________________________________________________

EVE'S DROPPINGS

"The men will lick the women into shape" DIANE BREEN
"Say No to anything that does not ensure that YTS replaces our members full time jobs." CHRIS BAUGH
"The election results may be delayed, there's a postal strike in Afghanistan." KEVIN McWHO
"Don't talk to me about the fucking class struggle, I was having a fucking class struggle at 2 o'clock this morning." ANN JARVIS
"Thanks for the little bit at the end, I won't tell anyone." CHAMBERS to SERWOTKA "We're small, but we're dense." BINDY
"Card vote? But I haven't got a bell.dingaling! Dingaling!" McHUGH
"I'm so assertive I even told myself to fuck off last night." DAVE JONES
"Those new plastic wallets are only useful if you get taken short during a card vote." BIG TAM
"It's the first year I haven't slept with Leedham at conference." McVIE
"I'm going to be really generous and buy every member of staff a mug." ELLIS
"These Martians have been withdrawn." EDDIE PHILLIPS
"You quote that and I'll break your legs." EDDIE PHILLIPS