THE POPULAR FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF CPSA
FREEDOM! UNITY! SOCIALISM!
REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!
MAGAZINE - SUMMER 1988
TROTTING HOME TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
The storming of the once impregnable MENDICANT fortress of NEWCASTLE CENTRAL OFFICE by a crap force of hired thugs (MASON BOYLE, FIDEL COLLINS and BABY FACE WILLIAMS) has rocked the Nation and sent the massed readers of MENDICANT into paroxysms of hate. Armed with nothing more than a file of trumped up charges about misappropriation of Branch funds to keep FUDGE and PERVERT in Chinese Takeaways, lager and personal stationery (2 lorryloads of A4), the avenging BLESSED MARION, BRUNO in tow, swept into the CPSA office in Longbenton and stood smirking as the repulsive BOYLE snarled "Ye've got 5 minutes tae clear yer desks - and dinnae come back wi'oot an escort!" Deaf to the squawks of TROT outrage, EL PRESIDENTE commandeered the office Tannoy and treated the gobstruck NCO workforce to a 20 minute harangue on the evils of MENDICANT.
The PRESIDENT'S MEN are now charged not only with running the branch, but with planting the "evidence" needed for the mass exorcism which BRUNO has been planning for the past year in revenge for humiliation at the hands of the TROTS. They will surely have to do better than spineless OLIVER'S whinge about wellies in cupboards and mouldy sandwiches under piles of paper standard CPSA office decor we thought - but with the sullen MENDICANTS, banished to the outer reaches and new locks fitted to the doors, there should be plenty of time for fabrication of the required dirt.
The splendidly unbiased preliminary report by Icepick salesman and Trotophobe PIERRE THOMASON points the way with juicy revelations of intimidation, fixing of elections and abuse of Facilities. A breathless membership now awaits further revelations. Will the PERVERT fade away through lack of Chinese Takeaways? Will BABY FACE WILLIAMS find true love or settle for TERRY MARTIN and 10 pints of lager? Watch this space...
AN RSL OF A TIME AT OXFORD
NIGEL SHEEHAN IS 59 STONES TODAY ____________________________________________________________
50 Queen Anne's Gate
11 December 87
When throwing some rubbish away later, Kash saw that what you had discarded was in fact the sub-branch's entire consignment of `CPSA News'. Hopefully that edition of CPSA News had already been distributed to all your members and what you threw away was surplus to requirements. However, should this not be the case then this is a very serious matter.
I understand that you personally might not agree with the decision to supply members with information direct from their elected NEC. This does not give you the right however to decide what our members can or cannot have sight of. The NEC have decided to issue CPSA News in the belief that a bright, informative and readable broadsheet will give the rank and file a better insight of what their elected officials are or are not doing. They see it as a move towards greater accountability - vital in a democracy such as CPSA.
No doubt the issue of whether this move was a correct one will be raised at next year's Conference. Then members will have the right to support or oppose the initiative in a democratic fashion. Branch and sub-branch officials making unilateral decisions as to what they should or should not allow members to see flies in the face of democracy.
I would be grateful for an immediate response. You will appreciate that this is a matter of considerable concern therefore I am copying this letter to Eddie Spence and Les Mitchell.
MICHELE HUBBLE Branch Chair
WASTE DISPOSAL ARRANGEMENTS - ST JOHN'S HOUSE, BOOTLE
Thank you for your recent piece of pointless correspondence dated December 11th. To answer your point directly, paragraph four, first sentence only, of your letter applies. I must admit that I am surprised at the obvious contradiction in your letter. You state that "this is a matter of considerable concern."
If the issue is so serious why did neither Kash or Phil raise it with me during their visit as they had plenty of time to do so? As another committee member commented on seeing your letter "they didn't have the bottle"? There is also the question of you copying your letter to the Section Chair and Section Secretary.
I know both of these postholders well and I can safely say that they have far more important and pressing concerns than what lines the bins in St John's House. For the future, if you consider it necessary I will monitor the bin in our union room for the next few months and give you a breakdown - item by item - of every piece of waste be it surplus NEC News, broad left literature or empty crisp packets that enters it. You can be rest assured that your letter will be the first item in it today. My last point is that if you wish to indulge in a campaign of scoring political brownie points then I suggest you consult your elders and betters in the militant tendency/ broad left who have far more knowledge and experience in these types of matters than the likes of you.
To conclude, I am taking this matter seriously - so seriously that I bothered to reply and to prove that smears on my character such as your accusations concern. me, I am copying this letter just as you, to a whole host of people including my mother. May I take this opportunity to wish you and the militant tendency/broad left a Happy Christmas and every failure possible in the New Year.
Yours in Comradeship
Comradely Greetings to our comrades the YORKSHIRE SOVIET whose bits we occasionally liberate - and only afterwards ask if we can use - as on this occasion. I have altered the layout slightly for technical reasons. Web thingy. Hint - take a print.
C.P.S.A. CONFERENCE BULLETIN NUMBER 2sc
DO-IT-YOURSELF CONFERENCE NEWS ITEMS
The Conference Field HO Attaché appreciates that many delegates and observers are concerned about Leaving the floor to answer calls of nature, track down people who owe them money, write speeches and leaflets etc in case they miss some exciting incident'. Also many Comrades are too poor and politically correct to buy the majority of the daily rags to see if CPSA has been reported. To prevent this feeling that you might have missed something the Yorkshire Sovetskikh have prepared in advance all the likely stories.
Simply select any phrase from each numbered column and place in the appropriate space in the frame. Hey Presto no need to buy a paper.
Yesterday at CPSA Conference in Bournemouth (1) & (2) laid siege to (3) demanding (4) as a consequence of (5) by (6). The President Marion Chambers (7). A call for further action from (8) & (9). Called into comment at the request of the General Secretary, John Ellis, the CPSA Solicitors said " (10) ".
DAVID BELLAMY WABBITS ON
Suwpwisingly we've seen a bweed many thought an endangered species, the MODBIRD or GWEATER BWAINLESS TITHEAD, making a bit of a comeback. This bweed, easily identified by its conventional plumage and suwpwising ability to fly stwaight to the top of the twee, was in danger of disappeawing - vewy few chicks have hatched in wecent years, and many fail to survive their early period of gwowth - unable to weach good positions on bwanches - but perhaps a gweater danger was its tendency to sit perfectly still on its nest and do absolutely nothing, no matter what happened. Even thweats by appwoaching pwedators are wesolutely ignored.
Wumours were being put about wecently that the species had given wise to a mutant stwain - believed to be the DEMI MOD or LESSER BWAINLESS TITHEAD. But they seem to have become extinct thwough lack of bweeding pairs.
Meanwhile, other species have gone into a marked decline. Most at risk are the MILIBIRD or COMMON TWOT, identified by its loud waucous voice and distinctive repetitive call "This week's Militant - 30p", together with its cousin the WORKERBIRD or LESSER SPOTTED TWOT, often confused for its bigger bwother because of the similar call "This week's Socialist Worker - 30p". Other similawities include the joint tendency to flock in large numbers near potential breeding sites waving wed and white nesting matewials and to attack anything that doesn't look like a Twot.
The fascinating thing is that they have now started competing for the same nesting sites using more and more aggressive mating displays and striking postures in an increasingly despewate attempt to attract mates - even fwom other species. Even as we speak, many of them are gathering to shout at each other before weturning to their native bweeding gwounds in the North East of England, Parts of Scotland, London and Liverpool.
Another species often confused with Twots, the CAUCUSBIRD or WELSHWANKER, is not actually a Twot at all, but it spends so much time flocking with Twots that only weal experts can tell them apart.
All thwee species share an otherwise unique handicap. They can only look in one diwection - Left - and can often be heard quawweling about which diwection that is. In fact they will usually attack any other bird in flight unless it is alweady flying in the diwection they want - and what that may be often depends on which way they were facing when they took off. Better news, though, for those on the lookout for new species. The 84BIRD or COMMON SELLOUT, first spotted in Manchester in 1984 appears to be thriving on a wemarkable symbiosis with the Modbird, whereby the latter gives up its territory to the former but wetains a majority of the nesting sites.
"The men will lick the women into shape" DIANE BREEN