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THE THIN RED LINE
by Don Moderati

ore jolly japes from the whacked out city of Bath, where our agents have been busy sifting the muck from the three MOD branches.

The Ensleigh branch used to be run by Chairman Chris "Windy" Gale, a one time screaming Trot and supporter of Brummie despot Janice Godrich. The benighted Gale however went completely bananas last year and resigned his post leading to the election of imposing Chairwoman Nicky "Peacemaker" Watson, a former habitué of the old farts home at Warminster Road . ("Peacemaker" either because she has a very large gun or more likely because she seems to be the only one who can control her riotous Trot infested BEC -- possibly both in fact) Strangely, nobody knows why Windy resigned, although tales of “some deep dark and loathsome unpleasantness" were doing the rounds and our agents would love to know more.

When it became apparent there would be a strike in November, the increasingly deranged Windy threatened to scab, citing extreme left wing control of the union as his motive which no doubt caused a few eyebrows to be raised in view of his previous associations. This led to a series of unseemly and increasingly bitter rows with thuggish Marek fan and heavyweight branch secretary "Red Kev" Kilcoyne. Agents report that at this point even Watson couldn't shut the pair of them up. Red Kev who seems to delight in the appellation has never been known for his diplomacy and apparently was spitting blood at the mere mention of Windy's name.

Gangly Gale might be fruit loop, but he isn't entirely stupid and clearly decided as a bantam weight, that going ten rounds with the rabid Lunity bruiser wasn't a good idea. In the end he decided to take leave on 5th November and resign from the union.

Only weeks later Gale, who seems to like to tweak the bull's nose rejoined the union and tried to get back on the BEC. This led to more eruptions from an incandescent Red Kev and the other gagging Trots and ultimately to a unanimous rejection of Gale, who retreated licking his wounds. Apparently the barking mad Gale is now a big fan of Tony Blair and has joined the Labour party for whom he campaigned during the recent election, which is hardly likely to make him any more popular with the Trot contingent.

Of course all of this was music to the ears of recently elected MOD group Veep and Bath supremo Chris "Diggler" Dando who hates Gale with a passion. Whilst Diggler has enjoyed the odd snigger at Gale's expense, Gale had made life difficult for Diggler in the past and so news of his demise proved a relief to the furtive editor of MOD group quarterly Defender, who likes to pull all the strings from his Foxhill branch HQ. Diggler always believed that Gale was a loose cannon, liable to do more damage than Osama Bin Laden at a Republican convention, so now that Windy is devoting his time to polishing his walnuts and party politics, everyone can heave a sigh of relief. For now...

Diggler, apart from lording it over MOD group PR, will also be enjoying his status as leader of the Alliance , the Lunity faction on the MOD GEC particularly as they trounced the “Dumocrats for Defence” (Moderati despite all the denials) for the first time and now have overall control of the GEC.

Incidentally one thing Gale and Dando agree on is that they both hate batty Moderati maiden Di Holt aka the great "Shaitan", now reduced to a mere RLO on the GEC, who apparently claims not to have been a Moddie in the first place. This is a claim about as believable as those made by Blair about WMD.

Useless sweaty independent Nigel "Fatman" F*ar the RLO for Bath , based at Foxhill, has finally been given the push from the GEC after years of goldbricking, so the locals here are enjoying drinks all round. Fatman on the other hand will have to go back to being a MOD guard with only limited facility time from his branch, but at least he can spend more time studying Shari'ah law, from which no doubt he will learn that over-indulgence is a sin.

If only the other Bath branch at Warminster Road, or "Sleepy Hollow" as the locals call it was as interesting as Ensleigh or Foxhill! Warminster Road or to give it the correct title "Jannah" is where old civil servants go to die, where the teapot is never empty, the management benign and the union completely inactive. We've heard not so much as a fart from there in years.