The Popular Front for the Liberation of the C.P.S.A

Well, Christmas has come round again. On the front-line the rusting barbed wire is again draped with tinsel and cards. The smell of roast turkey wafts across the trenches to the No Mans Land that has been all quiet for over a year while bemused new recruits from Cityland get election leaflets thrust in their hands and wonder what all the fuss is about in the first place.

Back at Chateau Falconcrest the grandees have been mobilising the LUNITY machine for one last effort to give MARK SERWOTKA a big majority in the race against ROB BRYSON for the general-secretaryship. While MAREK'S victory is not in doubt the grandees don't want a repeat of the LEON BAUGH affair. While a landslide is beyond even their wildest dreams they still want a decisive victory for their chosen son. For his own part MAREK wants a big turn-out to give him an independent mandate that will free him from the grandee straight-jacket, while 4TM is determined to give the grandees a run for their money.

But the campaign has been decidedly flat on both sides. Some wags claim that the number of voters who have retired or died during the campaign is now outnumbering the “don't knows” and the “don't cares” (the real silent majority in PCS ). We may laugh but there's a grain of truth in every old saw. The balloting time was too long and the campaign of the two dinosaurs has been tame and tired.

Because MAREK spends most of his time promoting himself all year round the grandee campaign has been unable to raise his profile beyond the existing LUNITY/ PCS DEMOCRAT constituency. BRYSON kicked off with the usual RED smears but GOLDEN BOY has been so short of talent and volunteers that he's had to use hired hands to give out his leaflets and make-do with a piss-poor web-site nobody reads.

 While the veterans drive home for Christmas a more parochial struggle continues as the Home Office old guard battle with the CUSSIES for control of the new group. It's spearheaded by MARK HAMMOND & JOHN OLIVER whose performance in their HO South & South East branch is mixed, to put it mildly.

Only days after they appeared to have got a 'normal' situation re-established across the HO Group due to an ET case (LENG & others v HO), Management have now withdrawn all access to facilities (no copying, use of e-mail, telephones, leaflet drops etc.) for S&SE branch reps apart from in respect of personal cases. Many believe that it's related to 'inflammatory' and 'unhelpful' communications the branch has issued in relation to the current dispute regarding "juxtaposed controls" (a Management drive to slash expenses for staff working for UK Border Agency in Europe)

HAMMOND is still trying to cobble together an electoral alliance for 2010 to ensure his position as Group President as he's very concerned about the voting intentions of the 4½k Customs members who've joined the HO Group and will be participating in the Group elections next year.

The LUNITY caucus met a couple of weeks ago to discuss three options:

• cutting a deal with PCS 21 as per the last 2 years
• seek an agreement with Customs independents
• no deals of any kind

but the grandees were clearly divided and no consensus was reached. The dynamic duo are going into top gear now to ensure that whatever happens they remain at the helm.

Meanwhile the shadow of a real election hovers over HMRC and the very real fear that whether Labour hold or the Tories win the department will be sold off bit by bit to the private sector.

PCS Leeds has surrendered its lease and they are looking for somewhere that won't bring PCS staff near to the BNP . P45's are being expected for admin staff in the VERY near future. Staff there are restless and a bit peeved with Madame BURRIDGE because she omitted to tell them this was coming when she gave them a 'pep talk to the provinces' back in October – especially as their jobs may be on the line while she feathers her nest by taking on more work in her department.

Back at Falconcrest the National Organiser post remains vacant a year after the venal NIGEL VENES fucked off. Not surprising with TRACY ‘no longer a youf' EDWARDES at the helm. She spends more time off sick than she does working. Her enemies say she's been down the well too often. But as she's a Glaswegian that's far too obvious to be true. Buckfast all round anybody?

But JIM HANSON had better watch his step. He's been formally warned not to drink at lunch-time after one too many tired and emotional afternoon scenes at Falconcrest. And another era ends next year with the voluntary departure of GORDON PATTERSON, the last of the CPSA JOCKOCRACY. His IT post will go in the next rationalisation and rather than mark time he's taken a very juicy golden handshake and goes after conference next year.

Other changes are taking place across the UK . In future the Exeter & Peterborough offices will be managed by a band 5 in London . Who will be the lucky fella? At the moment both offices are run by band 5's – JIM STRINGER in Peterboro and JESS (no relation to PIEMAN) PIERCE.

Could it be DAVE 'fellofa' CLIFF now that Madame BURRIDGE is taking his PMA & support grades work & JEFF EVANS becomes MR Wales/Northern Ireland & Scotland ?

Is JIM STRINGER'S light starting to fade or will the Ginger One have a resurgence? As for poor old DAVE , how much more punishment can they give him? What did he do to get this treatment? It can't be bullying as that's rife in PCS , ho ho ho (it is getting near to Christmas) so what is the REAL story? An ugly rumour is being spread in the seedy pub known as the FALCON. But nobody dare say it out loud.

But there is talk or an infestation of rats and cockroaches in Falconcrest and a claim that a “convicted felon” has appeared in PCS literature. Surely not in a union that has a domestic violence campaign?

GORDON THE GOPHER may soon be but a distant memory but JOE COX still keeps the banner high in Newcastle . RAMSBLADDER'S top man in GEORDIELAND has a number of skills including taxi driving and upholding law as a local magistrate. The BIG FAT GEORDIE BASTARD as he calls himself, is a stern upholder of law and order. But he also knows the qualities of mercy especially when it comes to Newcastle United footballers.

Last month famed TOON player JOEY BARTON (see his criminal career here: http://backofthenet.wikia.com/wiki/Joey_Barton ) was up before the bench on a motoring offence. It was alleged that he had failed to give information regarding a driver's identity, after his Land Rover was spotted speeding by police. Barton's car was caught by a speed camera travelling at 39mph in a 30mph zone, on the A69 in Northumberland, near Haydon Bridge , on 15 th December last year.

Barton told the court he could not recall what happened that night, but did not believe he was driving because he was injured at the time. He said: 'I had ruptured my medial knee ligament and I was in a knee brace, so it would have been impossible for me to drive.'

He added: 'I had people insured to drive me around.'

When asked by the prosecutor, Cuthbert Regan, about his whereabouts on the night of the alleged offence, he answered: 'I was probably in bed.'

Barton added: 'My understanding of speed cameras is there is a flash and I don't recall a flash” and pointed out that disruption to his post due partly to his change of address meant that he did not receive the original police inquiry.

Dismissing the case the Chairman of the bench JOE COX said: “We have decided on the balance of possibility that you did not receive the initial correspondence”.

'We know that you did contact the local mail sorting office and that you set up standing orders. We are not satisfied that the evidence is sufficient.'

Speaking outside court, Barton said: 'I'm happy to see common sense has prevailed.'

Nice one BFGB, an invitation to the TOON Directors box cannot be far away!

Finally, cast your minds back to the TUC where with much pomp and TV cameras, a great charter for our times was signed by the General Secretaries of PCS and UNISON. This Memorandum of Understanding appears to have become a secret document: all requests by PCS members for sight of a copy fall on deaf ears and follow up emails are likewise ignored. Nobody is yet suggesting that this was purely a publicity stunt, but the mystery is beginning to develop a distinctly piscine odour. If the document exists, the members are entitled to know the detail: it's their subs that provision the PCS TUC delegation and they might not be so keen to fund the jolly in future if they think they're being hoodwinked.

I would have preferred it if he'd followed his original ambition and become an architect.

Paula Hitler talking about her brother Adolf in late 1945 during an interview with a U.S. intelligence operative.

BREAKING NEWS

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike  action.

 General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press "Our members are  literally working themselves to death in the cause of  jihad. We don't ask  for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by  the workforce and not by management.

"Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for  members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
 
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently  resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to  Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good  fanatical clerics.

"How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks  broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted  as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like  that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".
 
Unless agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down  explosives at midday on Monday.