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Round and About
By Judas Iscariot

The cheery faces of the delegates and observers as they prepare for the long trek home tell a story. This year there was something for everyone at Conference. LANNING gets the DGS and LEON BAUGH at last gets his foot in the door. LUNITY gets another year.

PRIESTLEY gets a bigger faction. The Moderati Maidens get a new lease of life. JIM McKAY got on the DWP GEC.

MOIRA CAMPBELL won the raffle at the Anti-Bunterite Karaoke night; you know - the raffle she organised and the winning ticket she drew herself? That’s called making your own luck, but a win’s a win. RAY ALDERSON is President of Customs yet again. EUERS looks like getting his seat back on the GEC and JOEL HIRSCH got to speak at Conference for the first time in his life.
Ray Alderson
There were some losers. CURRIE tops the list. UNDY and SARAH JONES weren’t happy bunnies either, holding huddled conversions almost in earshot of JAKE WILDE and wondering whether they can still trust BOWMAN. And of course STEEL and NOBODY lost, but will live to fight another day.
   Jake Wilde

The biggest loser of all, of course, was JOHN ELLIS (IR West Lancs) – the one who fell off the rostrum – who fancies himself a good judge of form. He told everyone that Prince of Gold was a dead cert for the 3.50 at Beverley on Wednesday. It romped home at 11 to 1. It’s a pity John didn’t back it himself.

ROLAND BIOSAH OBE was furious at Conference’s decision to remit ALL the Black Section motions yesterday. Chief BIOSAH stormed out of Conference, incensed at the fact that remission had been recommended by the NEC at a meeting he was not at. He stormed back to the SHIP hotel last night vowing to keep up the fight to all and sundry while JANICE GODRICH and DANNY WILLIAMSON carefully avoided crossing his path. Though the principle of reserved seats for blacks is accepted in many unions and was practised in the old PTC it had never been the case in CPSA. The Moderati had their Uncle Toms and the Trot problem is that they don’t have enough black TROTS to fill the vacancies such a system would create.
Roland Biosah OBE

STEVE CAWKWELL has been hitting the bottle every night this week and this has been generally been put down to “stress” or simply adjusting to the high life of a full-time official. We now understand that it is also because he feels that the post he got wasn’t high enough for a TROT of his standing. That, of course, is a matter of opinion. This is, after all, coming from a man whose chat-up line is “I’m a friend of MARK SERWOTKA”.

Joel Hirsch
JOEL HIRSCH of the Passport Office, as many CPSA old-timers will recall, is the greying middle aged man who has been trying to sell you a copy of the SOCIALIST WANKER in the bar since time immemorial. He made his maiden speech to Conference Thursday afternoon supporting a motion on pensions. When he was asked in the bar whether the motion was passed, he hadn’t a clue.
Remember yesterday’s story about skulduggery in the DCA Group elections? Well, according to Madame DEFARGE, the leader of the TROTSKYITE opposition to JAMESON’S “Independents” is a posh ex-public school-boy called AUSTIN HARNEY. He works as a security guard and thinks he’s a working class hero but his parents are millionaires.
Austin Harney

TOADY JARVIS is down for Conference in his new role as North East full-time officer. TOADY, like CAWKWELL, has a high opinion of himself. Little does he know that EDDIE SPENCE, the senior full-timer has plans for him that involves a lot of work done by junior grades.

Two new CARCASE maidens on the DWP are competing with PAULA WALSH for the Bananarama effect. STEVE LLOYD spent the whole of last year writing PAULA’S speeches – which were few because she is often late and tired after a hard night’s discussion and bridge-building in the shape of PHIL PARDOE. Now he has two more dimbos to write for.
When he heard the election result poor old STEVE felt he’d had enough and fucked off for a fortnight in sunny Sardinia instead coming to Conference like the rest of us.

MATTHEW McGARRY, a devout Newcastle Catholic went to 7.00 pm Mass at St Mary Magdalen All Saint’s Hall on Thursday -- Ascension Day on of the holy days of obligation for Christians. He was almost certainly praying for the souls of fellow delegates JEAN MANUEL and KEVIN McHUGH who is known to regular readers of this journal. JEAN is a member of the Godless Socialist Wankers Party and KEVIN is a lapsed Catholic and all-round degenerate who both wanted to support Motion A30 on Abortion issues.

Talking about collections SIAN RUDDICK tells us that the LUNITY collection that briefly went astray, as reported in yesterday’s communiqué, only amounted to £700 and not the £2,000 previously reported.
Sian Ruddick

A PFL agent in the COMMISSAR PARTY, who offers his services for free, tells us that the BORING STAR’S lunch-time fringe meeting was the usual fiasco. Barely a handful turned up to the MEDIA CENTRE in Middle Street to hear someone called TONY BRISCOE talk on the “battle of ideas”. NICK SHITE, late of this union, had already gone home and our agent could neither make out what on earth BRISCOE was talking about nor indeed how much the collection raised for the STAR fighting fund was. But if you have the odd copper to spare give it to the old git selling the paper outside the main Conference doors.


“Come here, Reamsbottom, I need your advice” boomed Mr Speaker Martin’s voice across the office. “Yes sir, right away sir.” Replied Barry, hurrying across the thick McFlurry plaid carpet towards his boss’s desk.

Arrayed on the antique Henri Fablon desk were the days newspapers and the headlines made grim reading: “House price slump in London” – the Daily Mail, “Millions of asylum seekers paralyze Dover” – The Express, “Brent crude price doubles on spot market” – The Financial Times, “England loses first test” – The Telegraph, “General Strike starts Monday” – The Mirror, “Communists returned to power in Russia” – The Guardian, “England 3, Frogs 0” – The Sun.

Barry sensed that he was about to take part in great affairs of state and felt that he was born to fulfil this destiny. He saw this as a heaven sent opportunity to once and for all show his ungrateful previous employers that he had progressed far beyond his youthful Trot Trouncing and had matured into the great statesman that he was today.

“What do YOU think…?” mused Mr Speaker, stabbing distractedly with a Mont Blanc teaspoon at the open copy of the Daily Record. “…should I purchase the 12” Qualcast electric lawnmower at £49.95, or indulge in a little profligacy and spend an additional £3.04 on a Flymo at £52.99?

Click, Kerchunk, Click, Kerchunk……but Barry’s mind was far away from the chattering of the Faberge photocopier as he contemplated the afternoon visit by the PM, and anyway, it was almost lunchtime, which would afford him ample opportunity to network with the most powerful people in the land. Why, only today he was meeting with one of the senior messengers from the House of Lords, whom he expected would tell him when his seat would be ready. Although impatient to take up his rightful position, Barry knew that these things could not be rushed, and was quite prepared to wait a whole month if he absolutely had to.

To be continued…


“When I had my heart scare, for a few seconds I was technically alive.” HARDING

“It’s purely coincidental that the delegation from Deepcut haven’t turned up this year.”

The Fundamentals
“Prayers Are Politics”

Meanwhile a few more dreary stabs in the back for Jesus are on today’s timetable and we must try to dispose of them as they deserve. Motion A152 - Oppose
“Losses due to having a child”(!!!!). The greatest gift God bestows - reduced to an item on the balance sheet. Father forgive them, they know not what they do.

Motions A164, 166,167,168,169 - Oppose Oppose Oppose Oppose Oppose
Why not just move the motion “Lets Ban the Family Altogether”, teach our kids to bugger each other and have done with it. This is our Line in the Sand. We urge all God Fearing Christians to join our campaign and sign the petition. (
There are two choices, and only two: You can be governed by God's laws -- or -- You can be governed by man's laws. History is soaked in the blood of those who chose the latter.


May the good Lord see you all safely home; watch over and protect you until we meet again. God knows, someone needs to


1.Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.
2.The "hash" key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.
3.The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
4.Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected

Despite the absence, this week, of our standard subliminal advertising ploy - the Point of Order - penetration has remained satisfactory at around 50%. We’d like to thank you all for coming, especially if you came twice, or three times.

General Command reverts to web control at the end of conference. Agents should file reports as usual to Regular bulletins will continue on the web site ( throughout the year.

We have a handful of Official Tacky T-Shirts still available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10 on a first come first served basis. We can supply them throughout the year but the cost outside Conference World has to be £15.

Oh. And did we mention money? Hand it over skinflints. We’re the only thing keeping you awake most of the time. Thats got to be worth the price of a cup of coffee. That would be a Large Cafe Mocha from Starbucks which retails at around £2.50. Thats one cup a day, for 4 days. Bung us a tenner and we’ll call it quits. Tell you what, make it £20 and we’ll toss in a T-Shirt for free.
Just as we were getting the hang of things, its time to pack up and say Bibi Conference. Still, its been nice to be in a proper conference centre again. At least it keeps the riff-raff out. Eternal gratitude for the hard work put in by all agents throughout the week. Studio Direction by Islam, Barabbas and Apollo. Chief Field Correspondent Agent Deep knows who he is. Picasso has betrayed the cause this year in favour of some junket in Hong Kong. Bastard.

Friends, it is with heavy heart we bid farewell at the end of week in which Satan’s forces have pushed forward the Liberal Agenda right to the end with some of the most wicked attacks reserved for this final day. We must not be downhearted. One total catastrophe like this must not cause our Faith to falter. We will live to fight another day.

For up to the month situation reports - go to

"I shall return and I shall be millions” - Eva peron