THE POPULAR FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF CPSA
FIGHTING ON IN OUR 45th YEAR BUT A BIT RETIRED NOW
FREEDOM! UNITY! SOCIALISM!
ONE CIVIL SERVICE UNION,
ONE GLORIOUS DESTINY!
REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!
CONFERENCE 1987
MONDAY
Mendicant members and their followers drank themselves silly last night in eager anticipation of the predicted victory of their own favourite son, John McVicar, in the DGS stakes, The Carlton Hotel was packed and the aging reformed Scottish gangster made a rare personal appearance to the drunken mob, but as he can only be seen if you were sitting down, he went largely unnoticed by the revelers. In the rival BL'84 camp, the hacks were preparing more of their usual excuses for yet another dismal electoral performance. Moderate bosses, jubilant after their own rally, were equally predictably consulting their solicitors for the inevitable legal challenge if the worst comes to the worst.
MARXISM TODAY
The high spot of the weekend however went to the C&E/Home Office Social which was the scene for the first punch-up of Conference `87. Some seven BL'84 thugs, on a recruitment drive subjected young Martin Smith, the pacifist star of the SWP to a torrent of abuse. When some of his fellow delegates remonstrated with the ruffians, one of their number, known as `Giant Haystacks' said `Dance with me, like you did with your gay mates'. Ravinder Singh, the well-known Indian film star, attempted to calm them down, only to be told by another greasy hooligan, believed to be a member of the Communist Party, to 'F*ck off, bandage brain'. Ray Alderson, who had looked on approvingly, glass in hand at the bar, departed shortly afterwards with Chris Kirk by a side entrance. Delegates concerned for their own safety will he pleased to know that Tony Ledgerton is giving boxing lessons every night in his own hotel bar.
Many Mendicant supporters are however reconciling themselves to spending the rest of the week on lemonade to make up for the bumper tithe being demanded from them to achieve the five figure collection targets for the Broad Left and Militant Rallies. A days subsistence is being demanded for each of the events and a search party has gone out for one S. Dunn, whose cheque for £60.00 from last years tithe has bounced and has still not been repaid.
This will not be so much of a problem for the BL'84 stalwarts, whose Marxism-liquorism faction (prop. R. Alderson) is not so ambitious. Their problem is deeper following the decision of the Communist Campaign group to form yet another party some time in the autumn, with the support of the Morning Star, a low circulation daily. The CCG, as it is known, is a secret society with considerable influence amongst the former members of the Communist Party hounded out over the past 18 months. Led by Tony Chater, editor of the Morning Star, a Greek restaurateur called Lysandrou and someone known as Dearkin, they have been bragging that such a move would lead to instant acclaim from the entire word communist movement, Unfortunately the prospect of glasnost roubles is now fading and Comrade Gorbachov's attitude to strong spirit is widely known. The circulation of the Morning Star is claimed to he 12,000 (improbable) and a further 7,000 are sold to the Soviet Union (unread).
ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot
It arrears that our leader, JOHN ELLIS, in his pursuit of equanimity, wrote recently to all the candidates for the DGS post asking for details of their educational qualifications. He got the usual replies (2 `0' levels, 1 CSE normally woodwork and Religious Knowledge) save for PAT WOMERSLEY who wrote back in rage describing the request as defamatory, and pointing out that any further correspondence would be immediately sent to her solicitors. Sir ROY de LEWIS, in an effort to raise money for BL'84 is running an `I guess your weight' sweep from Standing Orders. Tickets start at 20st. and can be obtained whenever Standing Orders is in session. Otherwise Sir ROY can he found at any bar when someone else is buying. The prospect of JOHN RAYWOOD also receiving a knighthood, for services to money is also not farfetched. John, he is already a Chevalier of the Order of St. John, is giving private advice for modest fees on how to advance and enrich oneself without any talent, and can normally be contacted at his free office in Nightingale Lane.
ANGLICAN NEWS
Prayers will be said on Wednesday for TERRY WAITE, who is still languishing somewhere in Beirut, As his diet of a bowl of rice and water a day is far too insubstantial for a man of his build, donations should be sent to
Terry Waite Fighting Fund
C/o The Hizbollah
Free Beirut
The Lebanon.
PFL BATTLEGROUP HARVEY PROCTOR
A debriefing will he held after close of business every evening in the Galleon Bar at the Winter Gardens, please refer to your map. A vast selection of badges are available from selected agents and donations are urgently needed to pay for the printing, all of which is being done by commercial printers at commercial rates.
QUOTES OF THE DAY
'Don't say anything about me - I don't want to be famous'
Jo ? (DTl Eastcote)
`Ignore that row, its' only someone buggering about behind me'
S. McClennan
`Ashill looks like he's got a dead cat on his head!'
Dick Askew
`My English aint that good'
Susan `Arrison (Home Office)
FROM BALHAM TO PALESTINE, LAVENDER HILL TO EL SALVADOR
ONE STRUGGLE, ONE FIGHT!
TUESDAY
ISLAMIC VICTORY!!
PFL cadres have been congratulated for their heroic efforts in ensuring that Motion 115 was carried, despite the actions of the godless, winning CPSA for the campaign to make the Civil Service recognize Ramadan and the Friday prayers. Our brothers in the Islamic Left who have fought for this since our foundation (Prayers Not Politics) will immediately ensure that demands on behalf of the Faithful are heard throughout the country. One of our central demands has now been won -ultimate victory is, just around the corner.
ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot
At a recent packed meeting of the Moderate group JONATHAN BRUCE got up to speak. In his Sunday best - dirty jeans and a Woolworth's jumper he whined that he had become disillusioned with the Moderates especially as he had still not been offered a full-time officials post. Mrs LOSINSKA had to sharply remind the upstart that mere membership was not a guarantee of official lucre to which the said BRUCE was heard to mutter that he was still unhappy and was going to discuss the problem with another pint of beer. BRUCE'S last coup was when he was entrusted with the vital task of leafletting C&E Southend (VAT) with Moderate propaganda. Regretfully this bastion of moderation was deprived of these gems as poor JONATHAN couldn't get away from a pressing engagement in a public house.
Our concern at TERRY WAITE'S fate has already provoked a response. CHARLIE IDIOT, for those who remember him, arrived today to assist in the hunt for the captive Christian. ELLIOT, who in his retirement is representing the CHURCH TIMES at the Press Table, has also taken the pledge, and gave up a good day at Pontefract Races to meet his old chums, Do not tempt him with strong spirit under any circumstances.
Our leader, JOHN ELLIS has been getting some stick over the appalling conditions at the Winter Gardens - the poor acoustics, ventilation and the bogs that don't work -but all he could say was `Well, it's another classic RAYWOOD cock-up'.
BUTCHER NEWS
Delegates shivering in the Atlantic gales will be pleased to know that next year sees a return to the sunny climes of Bournemouth. JOHN BUTCHER, who retires this year after a life-time of service to the trade union movement is happy to offer cut-price rates at his boarding house `Beau Rivage' which has been completely refurbished on his NEC expenses. Lovable John can easily be recognized wearing Demis Roussos' old clothes, either propping up a bar or across the table of any of Blackpool's finer restaurants.
RELIGIOUS NEWS
by Amphibalus
Graham Belchamber, a pillar of the Blackpool Catholic Club, membership No. 4785 has introduced Stewart McClennan to the virtues of cheap beer, as a penance for Lent. While the proud Hibernian has no hesitation in drinking the benefits of Peter's Pence, he has been warned that his vast repertoire of after dinner songs, learnt when he was a star of the John Young Knox Orange Lodge will not be welcome there, or for that matter in most of this fair county.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
'Oh F*ck, the casuals and overtime debate clashes with EASTENDERS, why can't they put complementing and specialist areas on at that time'
MIKE DUGGAN
Special Presentation
BL 84 and the Offensive Tendency proudly present an evening of Factional Wrestling between four champions of the ring. A special tag-team match.
GIANT HAYSTACKS + DOREEN "BONECRUSHER" PURVIS
- V -
RAY "BEACHBOY" ALDERSON + MARTIN "THE MULE" SMITH
Two falls, two submissions or a knock-out, or one-out all-out to decide. Venue: Every social event this week.
SOCIAL NEWS
CPSA BNFL and Atomic Energy are proud to announce Chernobyl Anniversary Memorial Disco, which will held at the top of the Blackpool Tower on Wednesday at 8.00 until the Fire Brigade arrives. All profits to be donated to the Widows'& Orphans Fund and the Sellafield Tourist Complex social club.
Concern is being expressed at recent RED attempts to depose Mrs. Jean Fegan from DOE Section, bitter no doubt at her sweeping victory last April. The fact that she has been on two years leave of absence to accompany her husband - who is working in Denmark, clearly presents no obstacle in her fulfillment of her responsibilities except in the envious and bitter minds of her MARXIST foes.
COCKNEY PRIDE `I can't stand Scousers' but I hated Yorkshiremen even more'
John Ford
Though the DHSS Social was packed most fans left disappointed at the fact that the expected bloodshed did not eventually materialize despite the dire threats which were emanating from both wings of the Broad Left. Jaded colleagues, including the entire Iron Guard of the PFL had obtained ringside seats for the punch-up which has been postponed until today due to Mickey Duggan's absence. They had to content themselves with Harding's usual act of crawling in the gutter looking for his joint and the usual backstabbing which goes along with affairs like this. Nevertheless some gems were recorded such as this exchange earlier in the day
`I don't read that bloody rag' John Macreadie on the PFLCPSA
`I do, that's how I recognized you' Trevor Turner in response
FACT: John Macreadie has only attended one day of the DNS Section during the last electoral year.
AND
`You're my favourite woman' George Webster to all non-male people.
At the request of numbers of our agents and informers C&E Section are sponsoring a NICK KAMEN LOOKALIKE COMPETITION. Names to your nearest PFL agent, there should be one in your row. First Prize is Ray Alderson's liver.
Meanwhile others are taking the twists and turns of political life in unusual ways. Mark Serwotka for instance was so stunned by his defeat at the hands of Conference on Monday that he turned up at the DHSS beano in his pyjamas - not knowing whether it was night or day.
PFL BATTLE GROUP HARVEY PROCTOR
VITAL supplies of money are needed - please proceed to channel it along the usual channels. A variety of badges are also available from all our agents and finally please try and note any submissions for the bulletin on paper for submission either at the Daily Debriefing at the Galleon bar at close of business in the evening or to any of our conspicuous news gatherers anytime during the proceedings.
FROM PALESTINE TO BALHAM
LAVENDER HILL TO EL SALVADOR
ONE STRUGGLE - ONE FIGHT
WEDNESDAY
THEY PLAN AND ALLAH PLANS BUT ALLAH PLANS THE BEST
PFLCPSA active units throughout the country have sent messages of support to our returning officers and our esteemed leadership for their impartiality in handling the elections crisis, The extension of the closing date for the reception of voting returns is only just and suggestions that the vote will now be rigged to avoid an overwhelming RED takeover should dismissed for the idle fantasy it is. We can sleep safely in our beds tonight knowing that the Constitution, so shamefully violated last year when PASSPORT OFFICE NEWPORT's votes were invalidated for exactly the same reason is being upheld by Marion Chambers and the Moderate Tendency.
Fact: President 1985/86 - Mrs K.T Losinska
ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot
DAVE WOOD, currently convalescing in the east after being shoved into the Home Office Section and therefore suffering from deep shock after repeated attacks by MARTIN SMIFFS stormtroopers is having a party. DAVE `I've told Ellis I don't want a big section. I've had enough of those bastards in the DHSS' has now been instructed by ELLIS and AINSWORTH that during their direct rule over the Union for the next six months (whilst all the ballot papers are being examined one by one) to go to a `cushy number ` in the MOD, where his capable talents can be put to good use. At the MODERATE BALL Mrs Losinska on seeing ELLIS curtly told him `You are not wanted here' and our leader, somewhat displeased relayed the message `Your No.2 told me to F*ck Off ,you're not wanted here' to Jonathan BRUCE. `Don't take any notice of it - she's probably right' was his witty response, safe in the knowledge that be will soon be out of the old harpy's clutches when he goes to work in his brothers' brewery in the United States this summer. GEORGE WEBSTER is denying the vile rumours of attempted womanizing, which could seriously damage his chances of joining the Black Muslim Movement. He neither smokes, drinks, takes drugs nor commits adultery, a unique phenomenon at Conference, and goes to bed at half past six after a refreshing cup of Ovaltine.
MINDBENDER
by Calculus
Here's a little problem for you. Tonight's DNS Section Social stars the famed Jeremy Hardy, whose modest fee of £1000 would be cheap at twice the price. BUT LET'S LOOK AT THE FIGURES
Jeremy Hardy's Act 1000.00
Hire of Planet Room 5.00
Damages 10000.00
Subtotal 11005.00
VAT 1650.75
GRAND TOTAL £ 12655.75
This means that 6,328 tickets need to he sold to produce a profit of 25p. Please calculate how many raffle tickets at 50p each need to he sold to make up the shortfall to achieve this figure. Answers in a plain envelope to arrive before Jeremy takes the stage.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
`If anyone can get me some dope Alan, you can, working for Customs'
Stuart Harding to Alan Duxbury.
THE THOUGHTS OF CHAIRMAN SMIFF
“What is paramount is for socialists in the union to stand firm with the minority that want to fight, whether over pay or any other issue. This is providing a clear alternative to the BL84 who pander all the time to the majority, and thus in practice hold back the fight".
Copies of this gem from Chairman Smiff can he found as part of a major theoretical work `Socialist Worker Conference Bulletin' in gutters within a half a mile radius of the Winter Gardens.
TERRY WAITE
Stephen Spielberg is holding auditions for his latest film `Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind' an epic about the missing missionary, Terry Waite, Auditions for the part of the good man, before Beirut have been whittled down to Eddie Spence, Dave Spagnol and John Butcher. While his role in captivity has been offered to both Terry Adams and Terry Ainsworth.
NOOKS AND CRANNIES
By Barrabas
Sir Roy de Lewis' future is looking rosier and rosier safe in the knowledge that he has the full backing of the Moderate group who endorsed him in Mondays Moderate bulletin. What he will have to do in return will become apparent as the week proceeds. Meanwhile BL84 activists have been instructed to step up their hate campaign against wee Jock John McVicar, and are busy telling all and sundry that during the smoking debate the diminutive Caledonian was giving an interview with the Whopping SUN in the observers gallery.
Peggy Wills (Met Police) was so desperate for 2 tickets for the Acker Bilk gig tomorrow that she has promised to vote for all the Broad Left motions for the rest of the week if Martin Smiff could get them for her. Smiff, taking the principled stand has put a close watch on her to see that she fulfills her part of the bargain. The Mendicant victory rally was more subdued - attendance of just over seventy because many could not afford the £32.50 entrance fee, and the absence of McViccar and his lieutenants who were meeting with Mendicant's lawyers that evening. Our paid agent, he disguised himself as a BL84 stooge - official ice-pick badge and vacant stare -made a donation of 1p to the collection which failed to reach its £5000 target, but out of the £4000 odd raised, Roddy could only give a measly £70 and Newcastle CO supporters a paltry £237, far behind the stars of DNS Glasgow who topped £655.
OVERHEARD AT CONFERENCE
`If we're so concerned with minorities why ain't we supporting the whites in South Africa?' T.J.Heywood
COMPETITION TIME
Nominations have now closed for the Nick Kamen look-alike contest with a shortlist of STUART COLLINS - DHSS S W London
NIGEL SHEAHAN - Land Registry Tonbridge Wells
Votes to your nearest cadre.
BY THE WAY
`Jenkins looks like a dead man' - Ray Alderson
`That accounts for the stench' - S. MacLenin
PFLCPSA NEWS
DEBRIEFING - at the galleon at close of business this evening *1,000 copies of the bulletin are distributed every day to Conference and so money is needed asap - please rush to your nearest agent. Badges are still available and a small supply can be obtained throughout the day in the coffee lounge.
FROM PALESTINE TO BALHAM FROM LAVENDER HILL TO JOHANNESBERG
ONE STRUGGLE ONE FIGHT
THURSDAY
POPULAR FRONT DEMAND POPULAR COMMITTEES NOW!
The Popular Front for the Liberation of the CPSA (GENERAL COMMAND) whose Revolutionary Command Council met last night somewhere in Blackpool has considered the grave crisis facing the Union. It is obvious that the root cause of the malaise lies in the futile methods of balloting, all of which are devised to ensure that only a tiny minority wield power. The answer is simple - the total abolition of all forms of balloting and their replacement by the popular will of the masses. Failing that, considerable savings could simply be achieved by handing over all responsibility to the High Courts, who will plainly be working overtime in the not to distant future.
CRIMEWATCH
John O'Regan, ace steward and representative of the- moral majority, admitted last September that he was fed up with his job. While at the Stoke Rochford School he admitted he was depressed at being unable to evict old age pensioners - the mealy-mouthed Court Officers' fearful that the wretches could perish from hypothermia when turfed out into the street. The worthless students, emboldened by strong spirit emptied the entire contents of the sturdy Bailiff's room during his absence and Implied that Ray Alderson was the culprit. John, determined to avenge himself, climbed into Rays room at 4.00 a.m. assuming that Alderson would still be at the bar. Armed with a dead pigeon he jumped on the bed, only to disturb the slumbering drunk, who in defence of his honour gave the noble Bailiff a hefty blow before he realized his mistake.
TERRY WAITE
Twenty Terry Waite look-alikes are posing as delegates and observers at Conference. One, however, is the real thing. He is tall, fat and bearded, and sometimes wears a combat jacket. When you see him, grab him and say, “You are Terry Waite and I claim my prize” holding a copy of the PFLCPSA bulletin in your hand. The Prize - A Fantastic Holiday In Beirut.
The itinerary is as follows:
DAY ONE - Arrive at Beirut International Airport where you will be met by your courier, Walid Jumblatt. Escorted to your hotel by the Druze Militia.
DAY TWO - Escorted to the mountains.
DAY THREE - Never seen again.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
I didn't come in yesterday; I spent the whole day in bed smoking joints.
Richard Mortimer
NICK KAMEN LOOK-ALIKE COMPETITION
Voters have overwhelmingly expressed the Popular Will of the Masses and the voting was as follows:
Nigel Sheahan, L.R. Tonbridge Wells 236
Stuart Collins DHSS SW London 3
ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot
Sir ROY de LEWIS has come into some money. He can now be seen strutting about in a new three-piece suit, purchased from TOP MAN in the High Road. With his old green togs returned to OXFAM he now presents the better face of MODERATION in the Union today. DENNIS WHITE slipped in his bathroom last Friday after an overdose of alcohol. It has taken him until today to realize that he has a cracked rib.
JASON DROSS can be seen crawling around the Winter Gardens complex all day with his unread cuttings book under his arm, Do you know I've got a full time post DROSS has not only been unable to get anyone to read it but finds people have difficulty in even remembering his name. Should you wish to avoid him he is easily recognizable - he is a short, ugly bruiser who hails from Scotland and has the usual alcohol induced illusions.
Haggard and overtired MOD Section Supremo BRIAN STURTEVANT left his drunken colleagues at the EL 84 thrash and whisked a tanned beauty off in a taxi at 2.00 a m .Unfortunately for our Brian he was too pissed to remember the name of his hotel and was last seen been driven all over Blackpool by a very red-faced taxi-driver.
NIGEL SHEAHAN, whose revolutionary centre of Tonbridge Wells has received great publicity by the self-publicist. Of a potential membership of 480,his Land Registry branch has only 143 members of whom only 20 bothered to come out during last week's regional stoppage.
Senior Officers of GENERAL COMMAND made futile attempts to achieve inebriation at last Tuesdays BL84 beano. They should have realized that you have more chance of being struck by lightning than getting a drink that hasn't been watered-down at the Planet Room bars - a fact soon realized by PETER THOMASON who abandoned the attempt after the 35th try but could not leave while ELLIS was still in the room.
RICHARD TURNER is appealing to all Football fans to come to his sporting gathering tonight at the NEWLYN REX HOTEL. The Inter-City Firm has 58 martyrs facing long prison sentences by the boss police. Admission is free but only for those with short hair, Pringle sweaters and loafers. No jeans - and you must come by taxi.
The residents of Westfield Avenue, Sanderstead, Surrey are currently the victims of a terror campaign being waged by an obnoxious little dog being exercised by an elderly Polish gentleman. The doggie appears to have been trained to go for anyone who looks vaguely leftish (long-hair etc) and snaps throughout the day to warn his master of the Red Menace. The worthy neighbours have now petitioned the dogs owner insisting on a muzzle or that he takes his wretched animal elsewhere.
Ever eager to placate the General Council of the TUC, and with his eye on a seat, our leader JOHN ELLIS has responded to the APEX bid for the ROYAL ORDNANCE GROUP by boycotting their entire conference. Our glorious leader has acquired a radiophone he can be seen clutching it throughout Conference. Unfortunately nobody has bothered to ring him since he got it, but nevertheless he has threatened to make it a compulsory part of the full-timers equipment. One female delegate saw him at the entrance and asked for directions, mistaking him for a security guard.
ROB JOHNSON is still sore at the fact that ANNE FREEMAN polled higher than him at his AGM. On Motions 1119 & 1221 they disagreed on how to vote. Johnson masterfully grabbed the card saying Bollocks, I'm voting in favour. MARlON and the RETURNING OFFICER are investigating.
Let he who has committed no sin cast the first stone
Mark 5.5. - N.T. Standard Occidental.
THE DNS SOCIAL
by Barrabas
Thousands of fans were sadly let-down at the failure of the PFL to provoke the sectarian bloodbath, eagerly anticipated by those in the ringside seats in the bogs. The only blood to be seen was RAY ALDERSON's, smacked in the gob by his wife CHRIS KIRK and forced to retire to his corner. Earlier, our leader JOHN ELLIS was forced to brush aside the rabble in order to get served. When this boorishness was related to JONATHAN BRUCE he heroically denied that it happened. On being confronted by the victims he then just shrugged and said `well, he bought me one' .The news that ELLIS had actually bought anyone a drink left BARRY REAMSBOTTOM'S mates (anyone who'll drink with him) speechless. Our leader's meanness is legendary. On winning the General Secretaryship he refused to hold the customary victory beano, on the grounds that `it would upset RAYWOOD', He represented our members in Northern Ireland for two years and only bought a round once, The BELFAST TIMES reported it and said that he must have come into a legacy.
PETER THOMASON's vanity knows no bounds, in his top pocket he keeps a metal comb, to remind him of bygone days. DANNY WILLIAMSON, erstwhile DNS Glasgow Secretary had set the scene. There were to he no problems at this social - no brawls, no swearing and no drunks, the last was the easiest given the fact that the usual Blackpool specials were being served. He called his twelve apostles together and warned `If there's any trouble from any of you fuckers tonight, you're on the first train home tomorrow - right'.
BLACKPOOL TOP TEN
1.'I did it Mv Way' John Raywood .
2.'It should have been me' John Macreadie
3.'Sixteen Tons' Marion Chambers
4.'Hersham Boys' Kevin Brandstatter
5.`Never Mind the Bollocks' Martin Smiff
6.'Prettv Vacant' Mike Duggan
7'.'Nellv the Elephant' Doreen Purvis
8.`Stand and deliver' Kevin Roddy
9.'Roll out the barrel' Peter Thomason
10.'I like driving in my car' Ralph Groves
NEW ENTRANT `Road to Nowhere' John Macreadie
QUOTES
`If you think I look bad now, you should have seen me when I left Appleton's room this morning.'' Paul Maloney
`It is strongly rumoured that the “47” badges worn by the Broad Left refer to the angle that the ice pick entered Trotsky's skull.” Sir Roy de Lewis
`Someone should tell Willie Wilson his shoulder holster is showing.'
Stuart MacLenin
PFLCPSA ~ BATTLEGROUP HARVEY PROCTOR
Meeting in the Galleon at close of business. Badges are going very well. A Maximum push for funds is required for the four pagers and please keep all the stories coming in. Congratulations from Beirut for the determination and courage of all our units.
QUOTE
`Don't insult my M.P. He's a very good man. He always answers my letters'.
Ken Coombes on Harvey Proctor
SCOTLAND THE BRAVE
Heroic Caledonian Mike McCahon had to deal with an uncouth lout on Tuesday. On being asked whom the victim was all he could say was 'I don't know his name, but he was an English bastard'.
QUOTES OF THE CONFERENCE
`I'll have it off you by Friday.` Ann Downey to Roy Lewis
`And I am an anti-social, despicable, smelly person' Sandie Lock
`Bernie Williams is languishing in obscurity `` Steve Cardownie
`Madame President - just a quick one ` Don Street
`Terry Ainsworth is a weak-kneed shit' Jane Hustwit
`Get your hand off my bum' Frank Campbell to Bernie Williams
`What is the difference between Mike Duggan and Susan `Arrison'?'
'One Octave'
`Whenever that old bat speaks, all police radios for a thousand miles are scrambled'
both by Big Tam McLenin
`We' were going to have a whip round to buy that bastard Macreadie a pair of stilts for Christmas but you can't go far on 2 1/2p'
MacLenin again
`John Macreadie did turn up to the Dem.Mod.Social. l saw him myself drinking a double orange juice. l suppose that's all he could afford after paying his Militant tithe'
`It's given me a target of 100 by the end of the week ` Tracey Stainton
POST OFFICE NEWS
The hunt now goes on for the missing postal ballots. Kevin Brandstatter, a leading candidate had already got wind of this as his incompetent underlings had forgotten to leave them out for DATAPOST prior to the strike. He nobly crossed his own picket-lines with his own dispensation to personally deliver them to the Post Office flunkey they had bribed outside.
Do not entertain much hope of success in the legal battles to come. Militant's lawyers - they defended the Militant councillors who were expelled from the Labour Party- as their track record is appalling. In fact they haven't won a case since 1981.
MAILING LIST NEWS
On Friday cadres will he asking you for your name address and more money to go on our contact list for the regular bulletin. Last year some six issues were printed and sent all over the country. This year we hope to do better. Please co-operate fully tomorrow to ensure that we have your name and the address you wish the material to go to.
FROM PALESTINE TO LAVENDER HILL PRETORIA TO BALHAM.
ONE STRUGGLE - ONE FIGHT
FRIDAY
REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY !!
Conference at Blackpool has once again made history with the spectacle of more NEC meetings, there was another last night, than days of the week. Needless to say not one word of their deliberations has been made public. The farcical elections, led by individuals who represent no-one but themselves makes our demand for the abolition of all forms of balloting and their replacement by the popular will of the masses the key issue for the membership today. Replace the NEC with the Revolutionary Command Council!
TERRY WAITE
The Popular Front, in a humanitarian gesture has dedicated the following records to the enchained emissary, and they were played last night on Radio Free Beirut. Expressing our heartfelt wishes.
1.Church of the Poisoned Mind - Culture Club
2.Beirut - Peter Sarstedt
3.Please Release Me - Engelbert Humperdinck
4.1 want to break free - Queen
5.Freedom - Wham
6.Tie a Yellow Ribbon - Dawn
7.Wild World - Cat Stevens now Yusef Islam
NICK KAMEN LOOKALIKE COMPETITION NEWSFLASH
Following an approach to the Returning Officer the ballot result in the Nick Kamen competition has been set aside and a rerun ordered. A subdued Nigel Sheahan is said to be urgently consulting Louise Christian, famed Militant lawyer of Fisher and Co. Rod Bacon, Socialist Caucus spokesman, in a supporting message, stated that while the Caucus refuses to use bourgeois lawyers they could have Paul Flewers advice for nothing.
RANK AND FILE NEWS
Kevin Brandstatter, the perpetual candidate called another anarchist meeting yesterday to mobilise forces for his next campaign. Under the name of Consensus his obscure views were distributed in the form of a seedy leaflet this week. Four turned up to the meeting at lunch-time in the Galleon - Brandstatter himself, his mate Mike Jacobs who does all his typing, Duncan McAndrew a nonentity with Special Branch connections and a member from the Foreign Office Branch who came for a bet. Four others arrived later but they were only waiting to get served.
A trendy lefty new delegate (black 501's, white socks, Doc Marten shoes and specs) has been determined to ingratiate himself with all the bores. For the past four days he has being buying a copy of the Militant and only realized last night that they were all the same edition.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There is nothing like a bit of soothing stuffing to calm you down at the end of the day” Jane Hustwit
The meek shall inherit the Earth
John 4.3. N.T.Revised Exxon 1978
ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot
ALAN DUXBURY who is on 8 days subsistence went home on Wednesday to get his members out on strike while at the same time denouncing MARCO DAWSON as a `scab' for remaining at Conference where his members expect him to be. Dawson's response is unprintable. While KEVIN McWHO was drawing the raffle at the weekend DHSS binge his elucidation was marred by the persistent whistle of CHAIRMAN SMIFF. As all the usual goons were at the bar GILL TROMANS had to intervene threatening to flatten SMIFF if he didn't hand over the musical instrument. Fifteen minutes later the redoubtable JOHN MCLAUGHLIN came over to commence negotiations for the return of the confiscated toy.
PETER THOMASON woke up yesterday in bed, bollock naked but wearing his shoes and socks. He has no idea how he got there.
RED virago DAWN CASTLE has been somewhat hot under the collar about the election reform debate. This might have something to do with the fact that in the General Secretaryship rerun he branch polled 37 votes for Macreadie and 38 for Ellis.
CIRCULATION NEWS
The ABC audited figures for the sale of left-wing newspapers has now been published for the Blackpool Conference May 11th - 15th. (Attendance 2000 Delegates, Observers, Full Time Officials and other hangers on)
JOURNAL SALES READERSHIP
PFL COMMUNIQUES 1000 daily 2000
MORNING STAR 323 daily 323
SOCIALIST WORKER 124 124 every seller bought one
SOC ORGANISER 53 53
NEW WORKER 205 205 weekend issue
WORKERS PRESS 47 47
INEW WORKER 47 47
CLASS WAR 20 20
DIRECT ACTION 22 22
`MILITANT 10,074 3
QUOTES OF THE WEEK
How do I go to the toilet.
M Duggan
I'm still sexually frustrated. .I'm not interested in sex because I'm scared of AIDS, but if anyone wants to give me a wank I'm available.
Kevin McHugh
No matter whether Comrade Purvis wins the Presidency or not, the Broad Left will still have a massive political presence.
John Macreadie
I think we should have a party for all of Jarvis' ex Boy friends Bernie Williams
Shall we hire White Hart Lane or Old Trafford? Graham Belchamber
CPSA has a policy of helping the ethnic minorities
Ralph Groves
CPSA has a policy of becoming an ethnic minority
Mike Jacobs
John Butcher is the sovereign body of Conference
Ralph Groves
All I'm doing is laying the ground
Dave Clayton
Does that mean that the Earth moved
Howie Oliver
They're all gays and lesbians - at least I can watch them
Dion Williams
THE JIHAD CONTINUES
The Popular Front has been asked to publish the full details of the proposed selective actions to save members bothering to look at their ballot papers at all, and it is as below: Members will be asked to continue
1.Ban on Overtime
*Non-Co-operation with Management
*Withdrawal of Goodwill
2.Some members will be asked to continue strike action on a paid basis in selected locations and establishments. This action will be subject to future separate ballots.
3.All members are also asked to take strike action (on an unpaid basis)as part of the programme set out below:
8/9 JUNE 2 days strike -nationally
18/19 JUNE 2 day strike in Scotland, N. Ireland and the North East.
25/26 JUNE 2 day strike in the Eastern Counties, South West, South Central, South East and London.
2/3 JULY 2 day strike in North West, North Wales, Manchester, South Yorks, West Midlands, East Midlands, South Wales.
Subsequent weeks :Continual action on a four week pattern as above with a view to balloting for all out strike action when necessary or until such time as the NEC is able to recommend a conclusion to the dispute.
The PFLCPSA will be advised of the precise dates (and where appropriate, location) in due course.
NOOKS AND CRANNIES
by Barabbas
The Yorkshire Soviet beano last night was the usual ritual of drunken debauchery. Senior officers and men of the Popular Front made their final attempt to get drunk - failing again because though the booze had been hardly tampered with, it took nearly an hour to get served. The occasion `FILBYS WAKE' was honoured with the presence of Sir ROY de LEWIS, in yet another new suit. Camouflaged to match his wallpaper Sir ROY vanished early on to continue his desperate lobbying to secure his parasitical existence. So far his attempts to nobble Dem. Mod darling ROY DAVIS from Southampton (he has the I.Q. of a rabbit) have come to naught but nothing can fault Sir ROY's determination. Meantime, this week has witnessed all sorts of blunders by Standing Orders as Sir ROY concentrates on his priorities.
TOM BAPTISTE said on Monday that he was going to be intelligent and go home. He sadly only got as far as the railway station, and has spent the rest of Conference commuting between various bars. Another convert to Islam, Brother BAPTISTE has confused the injunction on alcohol, smoking and tobacco during RAMADAN with not washing or changing his clothes.
The Home Counties leading RED, none other than NIGEL SHEAHAN, had difficulty reading APPLETON'S script while at the rostrum last Wednesday. He had inadvertently wrapped a toffee apple in them. Back at the bar, dedications poured in for TERRY WAITE, and the DJ relayed `I'm Living in a Box' by the satellite link to Lebanon set up by the PFL to maintain contact with our leadership.
Back at the MENDICANT social it was the usual gloom and doom. The news that MARION CHAMBERS and KATE LOSINSKA had narrowly won on the rerun confirmed their worse fears while MACREADIE'S victory was acknowledged to be only temporary.
TONY LEDGERTON and JOHN BUTCHER, of the progressive hoteliers faction have meanwhile been giving all and sundry their rate cards for the coming season. BUTCHER'S ALBANY HOUSE however can only take 6 guests as the other 27 rooms are permanently blocked by his bed.
Drunken Glaswegian, BARRY REAMSBOTTOM spent the evening drinking himself silly and telling lies to anyone prepared to listen to his ravings. His finest hour was yesterday's expulsion of McHUGH from the PRESS ROOM, where the doughty GEORDIE had entered in the hope of getting his hands on some free booze - despite the constraints of his master, JOHN MACREADIE.
CPSA BLACKPOOL TO LONDON RALLY
by James Shunt
Once again this most popular sporting event, the end of Conference Rally, goes over varied terrain amid inclement weather. In the groups the entrants stand:
GROUP CAR SPONSOR DRIVER
7 Opel Senator 2.5 CPSA John Ellis
7 Volvo 244 SELF John Billouin
7 Vauxhall Royale 3.0 SELF Dave Wood
6 Ford Capri 2.0 NO-ONE Ralph Groves
6 Saab 900 2.0 T. GRANT John Macreadie
6 Vauxhall Carlton 2.0 SELF Alan Churchard
6 Ford Cortina 2.0 PFLCPSA Col. Islam
5 Golf GTI + Blaupunkt YOUNG FARMERS Richard Regan
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
Amanda Fingleson after reading the 3rd copy of the PSI bulletin -Don't they know how to spell my fucking name right - or is it that I've done nothing worth reporting yet - Do any Jews get quoted in the PFL?
PFLCPSA BATTLEGROUP HARVEY PROCTOR
The RCC sends is heartfelt thanks to the heroic officers and men of the Harvey Proctor Unit for their sterling work in the field. First of all, our printer - a Scottish patriot, our technical staff plus the LIBERATOR, our plastic arts department and our badge sellers and fundraisers. To Barry Reamsbottom for all the drinks and his unprintable stories and to our dear comrades who have fought to make our campaign the success it was. Remember addresses to your nearest agent - the Unit returns safely to base and dissolves tonight.
Bibi Conference see you in Bournemouth -
“I will return and I will be millions”
EVA PERON
“Jesus wept” Mathew 4.2
N.T.Standard Oil
SUNDAY EXPRESS
Of course, it had to be a Tory rag to have a go, totally missing the irony that blind adherence to Christianity had caused him to put himself in this position in the first place, and he did not carry the authority of Lambeth Palace. If you announce publicly that you're going to sail the world in a leaky sieve, do pardon our guffaws when you sink. You will note that we did not attempt to satirise the genuine plight of John McCarthy. (Ed 1999)
Because the text is a trifle indistinct - below is a transcript
THE SUNDAY EXPRESS June 14 1987
• 145 days have passed since Terry Waite disappeared in Beirut And 423 days since British reporter John McCarthy vanished
Nothing has been heard of them or their captors. We owe it to these two brave men not to forget them. Not to abandon hope.
LEFT-WING civil servants were last night branded “sick” over magazine articles ridiculing endangered hostage Terry Waite, The Church of England and Mr. Waite's distressed family hit out at Communiqué, a satirical magazine widely distributed among the 152,000-strong Civil and Public Services Association.
The journal repeatedly mocks the Archbishop of Canterbury's special envoy-who disappeared in Beirut 145 days ago while on a mission to free Western hostages-in a series of bad-taste “jokes". They include jibes at Mr. Waite's heavy build and a hostage's top of the pops headed by Please Release Me and Freedom.
One issue says: “Prayers will be said on Wednesday for Terry Waite, who is still languishing somewhere in Beirut. As his diet of a bowl of rice and water a day is far too insubstantial for a man of his build, donations should be sent to:' Terry Waite Fighting Fund, The Hizbollah. Free Beirut, The Lebanon'.”
Another issue says 20 Terry Waite look-alikes are posing as delegates at the CPSA conference.
Holiday
The prize for spotting the real thing-” tall, fat and bearded “-is a holiday In Beirut with courier Walid Jumblatt. The magazine goes on:
“Day one escorted to your hotel by the Druze militia.
“Day two, escorted to the mountains. Day three, never seen again.”
Mr. Waite's cousin, BBC radio presenter John Waite, said: “This is really sick.
“Here is a man on a humanitarian mission trying to do the world in general- and individuals in Beirut in particular-a bit of good.
“It's the pits when his plight should be made the subject of articles not worthy of a poor rag mag. I cannot believe anyone else finds them funny.”
A spokesman for the Archbishop of Canterbury said: “ I am sure something of this nature is very hurtful to Mr.
Waite's family.”
Joke
Communiqué, a monthly magazine, is produced by six activists in the main civil servants' union who call themselves “the High Command of the Popular Front,”
The group's Leader is Roy Lewis, 45,a regional union official and a member of the Communist-led 84 Faction.
Mr. Lewis said: “I agree we have some outrageous bad taste jokes which would upset Mr. Waite's family, but the magazine is only for union members.”
But CPSA general secretary John Ellis disassociated himself and the union from the magazine.
"It's insensitive and wrong. Nobody should stoop this low. As with many journals of this kind, sooner or later someone goes over the top.” he said.
The PFL say "Humbug!"