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FIGHTING ON IN OUR 45th YEAR BUT A BIT RETIRED NOW

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ONE CIVIL SERVICE UNION,
ONE GLORIOUS DESTINY!

REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!

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Imagine yourself sitting on a sun-kissed beach, lemonade in hand, fanned by the cool air of the Gulf winds. On one of the last truly unspoilt coastlines in the world, a way of life which goes back to the Bible has been lovingly recreated for the benefit of today. Truly this, is the land time has forgotten. Some believe that southern Iran is the site of the Garden of Eden - You can discover it for yourself and enjoy its fruitful bounty for the rest of your life - AT OUR EXPENSE!

OR

US$2,000, 000
to spend whichever way you please.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is:
Despatch the blaspheming bastard Salmon Rushdie to the outer limits of Hell and the first prize will be yours. Runners up (those who accidentally kill RICHARD WILLIAMS or any other Rushdie lookalike) will receive the benefit of death by any reasonable Islamic method for a nominee of their own choice.

Entry forms and registration to

The Speaker
Ali Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani
The Majlis
Teheran
Islamic Republic of Iran

1.This competition is open to all male, over the age of 12. Employees and relatives of citizens of the Islamic Republic of Iran are not eligible under the terms of this competition.
2.The only prizes will be those advertised and no substitutes will be offered.
3.The results will be published in Competitors Journal and Keyhan and announced at Friday Prayers. A full list will be supplied on receipt of a stamped addressed envelope.
4.The Speakers' decision will be final and there will be no correspondence with competitors.
5.In the instance of a competitors death or imprisonment during the participation of this competition the prizes may be awarded at the discretion of the Islamic Critics Circle to the next of kin.

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Will all cadres note that there will be a debriefing in the Galleon bar in the Winter Gardens complex at the close of conference every evening. Intelligence reports to your usual contact throughout the day and night and money to designated agents. As much as possible please. A vast selection of badges (£1 and 50p) and T-shirt. (£5) will be available in the Galleon every day.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
`Thank God I am not a vengeful man'
Adolf Hitler 1941

FROM FALCONCREST TO PALESTINE
ONE STRUGGLE ONE FIGHT

TUESDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

While the assorted TROTS and other REDS spent a predictable evening getting drunk, the real celebrations continued unabated at the New Clifton. Hotel where the Modr8s are confident of yet another stunning victory at the polls, despite the justified indifference shown by members with a 25% turnout. The Right wing cabal predicts a 24-2 victory, with 21 outright paid up NMG seats, 3 hangers on in the shape of EL `84 turncoats Messrs DUGGAN, KOWALSKI and HANSON, together with 2 members of the BL `84 rump. Who fills the latter posts remains to be seen, but ALDERSON dined with ELLIS in an Italian restaurant on Sunday night. Make of that what you will.

None of which has deterred MAREK SERWOTKA whose usually reliable source, his AUNTIE, works as a cleaner for Howdie Doody. The depressing Pole is claiming a 21-5 TROT sweep.
NUCPS reject FRANK (the Plank) PEMBERTON has not enjoyed such good fortune. The Farouk style aged playboy has been trying to recapture his long lost youth and, last night, on the strength of a promise, stuffed his face with Oysters in a desperate attempt to revive his flagging love life. Far from fortifying the over-forty, however, the pathetic PEMBERTON spent the rest of the night performing technicolour yawns down the great white telephone - much to the annoyance of fellow guests.

Meanwhile, down at the MAFF social, the usual bores were in the bar or slumped in chairs, few noticing heroic Caledonian Cllr CARDOWNIE inviting a lamp standard to “come ootside Jimmy - jist me n you pal” or words to that effect, under the impression he was talking to one of his mates.

A group of senior PFL officers were holding serious discussions on whether Sir ROY d'LEWIS had at last succeeded in becoming the most hated man at conference when a drunk DUGGAN rudely dismissed their suggestion out of hand. When asked who did hold this coveted honour, the South London bruiser just jabbed his thumb against his Simian chest and leered.

Talking of piss-heads, BARRY REAMSBOTTOM was amazed at being accosted by stewards at the MOD Ball, who on WRIGLEY's specific instructions, demanded that he pay the £2 admission fee. When the stewards admitted that they had no idea who the great man was, the enraged Hibernian stormed off muttering curses. BARRY'S habit has rendered him incapable of churning out the usual MODR8 daily drivel this year; which accounts for the marginal improvement in the quality of their bulletins as many old hands were quick to observe. Few, however, can believe that doddering DENIS WHITE could string a sentence together let alone a Newsletter. But the SOCIALIST WANKER hypothesis that DUGGOUT was the author is even less credible given his right/left dyslexia.

The big guns at NUCPS are also in town lobbying against the GMB merger. NUCPS President PARKER to be joined by LESLIE CHRISTIE today and the irrepressible FRANK PEMBERTON (if he survives the shellfish poisoning) are doing the rounds to persuade the full-timers of the benefits of joining forces with them rather than a real union like the teamsters. Parker was treated to dinner by comrades KIRK and ALDERSON; but despite Chris's disapproving presence, the drinks bill far outweighed the money spent on food.

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NOOKS AND CRANNIES
by Vidkun Quisling

The Southern Assembly elections were greeted with total indifference this year with PHIL ROGERS a yokel from Titchfield and his drinking chums getting a taste of power at last, despite the best efforts of BRIAN KLUKLUX. The token demagogue and smelly git had been busy trying to mobilise his follower in an unsuccessful attempt to communicate with Lord LAMBERTJARRET at the Albert Rd Spiritualist church. But far from being beyond the veil, the noble Lord is alive and kicking in the House of Lords stationery department.

In spite of the assiduous endeavours of SOCIALIST WANKER top cadre MARK DRAYTON (he of the grovelling apology to El Presidente in yesterday's communiqué) who is employed as a debt collector in LCD, our bailiffs remain a bastion of common sense and virtue. When not drooling over the vast amounts of overtime which will be theirs for the asking when the Poll Tax hits town next year, they speculate on the mental condition of their imposed leader and nightclub entertainer - JOHNNY SANDS (alias J Billouin). Clearly under severe emotional stress, Billouin has taken to describing his own branch as LCD Swindon, which does not exist, while his actual branch, LCD Avon has yet to catch sight of him, despite holding two AGMs this year. It seems that he also continues to fail to grasp the LCD grading structure after 5 years in the game. He insists on describing the heroic EDDIE HARDING as a superintendent when `supervising bailiff' has been his rank for years. His greatest lapse of judgment, however, which led to his present inability to claim facility time, was his decision to pose for the `Red Tape front page victory photograph following the MODR8 victory last year after 12 months on the sick. Like Lazarus from the grave, he rose immediately from his sick bed to report for work the Monday after the election results. LCD Management, being a) mostly CPSA members and thus entitled to receive Red Tape and b) not as green as they're cabbage looking, put 2 and 2 together and promptly limited the moonlighter to the 40 days TU time he can claim as NEC member.

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REDS 1
by Peter Wright

Back in their seedy underworld the assorted REDS have been trying to justify their miserable existence in every bar in town. All the usual dross from the SOCIALIST WANKERS PARTY and MENDICANT are here, plus the perpetual PAT MANTLE and the MORNING STAR's ace reporter, ROY JONES. As always, his unread copy is written by ALDERSON who sacrifices five minutes valuable drinking time every day to compose the turgid prose; which is more than could be said for BROOKS and HUGHES, who forgot to organise any NEW WANKER sales and left their own hapless full time commissar to get on the leafleting on his own. JONES swears that he has taken the pledge. But he cannot explain why he is still unable to arise before 1 o'clock.

Southern Assembly delegates were shocked to hear that their guest speaker STEVE CARDOWNIE had been suddenly taken ill and was unable to attend their conference. They will be pleased to know that he eventually recovered from his `attack' in the GALLEON bar and was even able to make his own way home unassisted. This is probably Cllr CARDOWNIE's last conference now that he has been promoted together with his life long friend FINNEGAN. However, the prospect of Edinburgh's finest son devoting his life to efforts of the Scottish Office remain as remote as ever, for the crafty Caledonian has already ensured that he will take up the NUCPS chairmanship as soon as his elevation permits. His new NUCPS colleagues nevertheless maintained, that while they can easily swing it for him, finding another sinecure for FINNEGAN could not be contemplated. STEVE could not fault their brilliant logic.

Back at the New Clifton, ELLIS, MDE CHAMBERS & DUGGAN are holding court and plotting their next moves against DSS. The dour YORKSHIREMAN has now been convinced that the creation of a London based regional office could actually save money despite the need to appoint yet another full time official. But who could that man be? Why, JOHN, assures us, none other than MICHAEL DUGGAN himself.

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EVE'S DROPPINGS

`I don't want to sell my members jobs down the river; I just want to get the best price for them' - A. STEANE
`I'm gonna get me one of them posh executive leather briefcases. They look dead official, but they're full of shit - bit like Riki Wigley really' - PETER BARKER (MOD Harrogate)
`I've lost my credentials' - FILTH ROGERS
`Oh, where did you lose them' - ENID (?) HAYTON
`Your present is not very big and I have been keeping it in my pocket all day' - LARRY O'CALLAGHAN (to Alica Cillat)
`And its getting rather sticky by now' - TREFOR HEYWOOD
`What is a Right On Socialist like you doing in a washed up organisation like the Labour Party?' - ANNA WITHERS
`What are YOU doing in the CPSA?' - TERRY FIELDS
`I haven't cried like this for a month' - PAUL BEACHCROFT
`Boyle's so pissed of with the Poll Tax, he's moved to Newcastle permanently' - REAMSBOTTOM
`I have no recollection and no knowledge' - J ELLIS
`Wait till Sunday Nick and we can go out with a bang' - M CHAMBERS
`This week I'm trying to stay as far away from conference as possible' - SIR WOY d'LEWIS
`Give it to me or else it will never get anywhere' - Agent BRONK
`No No No - don't suppress it' - Sir WOY
`Yes Yes Yes - its coming through now' - DITTO
`I spoke to you on the phone when you did that disgraceful thing to Mary Hickman' - McWHO
`I don't mind screwing the Trots, but I'm buggered if I'll fuck Doreen Purves' - DUGGIN
`What's the difference between Marion Chambers and a waterbed?
- you can pull the plug on a waterbed!' - STEVE RICHARDSON
`There's nothing wrong with being a backroom schemer; its part and parcel of being a successful socialist' - LEWIS
`Unconstitutional: that means its against the constitution' - TONY CHURCH
`Don't you want to be hung by your member Stuart?' - ELAINE JOHNSON (on Collins)

HARRIETS HAPPY HOUR
`You didn't like it when I took off your shoes and tickled your feet' - (to Peter Chilton)
`I've never been under John Ship'
`You're quite right Eddie, its nice under here'

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SATAN RUSHDIE VIDEO TOP 10

1 DEVIL RIDES OUT
2 THE FUGITIVE
3 THE ACCUSED
4 SALMANS LOT
5 THE CRUCIBLE
6 FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE
7 FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
8 THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD
9 I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE
10 WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Subscription forms are available from senior officers. To be sure of receiving inter-conference editions, please ensure that you hand in your completed forms by the end of the week.
Will all cadres note that their will be a debriefing in the Galleon bar in the Winter Gardens complex at the close of conference every evening. Intelligence reports to your usual contact throughout the day and night and money to designated agents. As much as possible please. A vast selection of badges ( £1and 50p) and T-shirts (£5) is available in the Galleon every day.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
`Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved'
Acts 16 v 31Standard Social

FROM FALCONCREST TO PALESTINE
ONE STRUGGLE - ONE FIGHT

WEDNESDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

While Conference slept, fears grew that FRANK PEMBERTON, 52, (IQ not age) is about to make a comeback. The aging LOTHARIO has received two box 5 markings and faces imminent downgrading and automatic severance of his NUCPS credentials. FRANCO's abysmal handling of the Guatemala desk in the DTI Overseas Trade division has at last been brought to the attention of the authorities. This has sent shock waves through the ranks of his former colleagues who had fiercely opposed the Merger with NUCPS on the grounds that it would mean being in the same union as PEMBERTON and OSMOND again.

Regular denizens at the GALLEON will have seen the Newcastle Provisional Government in session every day during opening hours. WILLIAMS, DROSS. COLLINS and BOYLE have grown used to dominating this enormous Branch. While no self-respecting Geordie can be trusted to carry out ELLIS' bidding, the gang of four regularly rely on local quislings led by KEVIN OLIVER and his C.D.M.T. goons. BOYLE, the Scottish Officer in exile, is ensconced with the other 3 in a villa at the nearby resort of Whitley Bay. The rent, at £15 per week has little impact on their £300 per week wages. Meanwhile, MCHUGH languishes in Block 10 and PURVES in blocks 15 & 16 awaiting their show trials.

The fight to Liberate Newcastle may take years, but the toppling of MARION CHAMBERS need not be so remote. MENDICANT strategists are arguing within the BORED LEFT camp for a simple no-strings declaration of support for LEEDHAM in next years elections. Not only would Marion have to fight for her life to retain the Presidency, but it would also force her to call in all her favours from DUGGAN who would either have to declare for her or end both his special relationship and glittering career once and for all.

Ace debt collector and BL bore MARK DRAYTON is wearing a customised T-Shirt with the slogan `FULL TIME OFFICERS, FUCK 'EM' immortalising his witty response to Mde Chambers over the weekend. He does, however, prudently wear it under his shirt, though he does occasionally reveal it when he is confident that none of ELLIS' spies are around.

DRAYTON is an extraordinary character who has transformed his office into a revolutionary command centre. His epic words `As the Marxists among you will know...' during an address to last year's section conference were received in stony silence by his brother bailiffs. 7 attended his AGM.

ROD BACON's days on DHSS Section Committee ended with a bang over the weekend when he fell with SERWOTKA and BATTLEMUCH in a MENDICANT inspired purge. Thus 17 years service ends and ET beckons.

Not so for LEEDHAM who, touting for future votes, roundly condemned PFLCPSA's appalling sexism at a BL'84 harpies assembly on Monday night. IAN's boycott call has, however, fallen on deaf ears and did not prevent the Yorkshireman from taking his usual reserved copy the very next morning.

The DSS Inner London branch TROT delegation consisting of NIGEL PRENDERGAST and JOHN McLAUGHLIN achieved instant shame yesterday. Neither of them was available to move motion 282 obviously believing that their branch motion on Equal Opportunities and provision of Crèche facilities would be of little value to their members if passed by conference. Hence it fell. No doubt they will have convincing explanations prepared in time to face their members next week.

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NOOKS AND CRANNIES
by Pierre Laval

The high spot of the evening warn , once again, the Claremont, with the Moderate Hunt Ball packed with the cream of the Labour movement. Upstairs, however, the OAPs' Tuesday club was holding its regular old time dancing session. The doltish GILHESPIE, stumbling in, was told by two quick-witted PFL agents that this was in fact the Moderate beano and got the fool to stand at the door cutting tickets for half an hour until the penny dropped.

DHSS Topman JOHN HICKEY has been demonstrating his prowess with a bottle all week - making the most of a week's holiday away from the wife. He left the DHSS beano on Monday at 2.30 am slightly the worse for wear and found his way to the New Clifton where he spent a happy hour or two with his Moderate chums in Choral Evensong. At some indeterminate point he crawled away in the direction of his holiday home at Florida Mansions. How he got there is anybody's guess. After struggling manfully to master the mysteries of a yale lock, HICKEY resorted to violence and rang every bell till some poor soul opened the door. This was not the end of his difficulties as he then proceeded to try find his room using the Cinderella principle that whichever door fitted his key must be the right one. Amongst those whose peaceful slumber was disturbed was RALPH GROVES whose Kent Constabulary training and consequent experience in predawn raids rendered him more than a match for the hapless HICKEY who was despatched in no uncertain terms. Young JOHN eventually made it to his own room by process of elimination and crashed out having successfully woken everyone in the entire street. He arrived at conference the next afternoon around 3.00 pm bright and cheery, blissfully oblivious to the previous nights escapade or the fact that he had slept through the DHSS lunchtime SEC for which he had been due to arrange the venue. Once the truth had dawned, he approached Sir WOY with his £5 PFL "subscription renewal" and a further fiver to keep his mouth shut. LEWIS is now £10 richer.

LIZ EDGE was determined to be one of the first to congratulate MARION and ELLIS on their handling of the RED RUFFIANS at Conference on Tuesday. Rushing past the Claremont reception, she grabbed a drink and began to make small talk with the old duffers at the bar. It took her two hours to realise that she was not talking to new delegates from MOD but that she had in fact crashed an MSF school social and that the real action was going on without her downstairs.

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RESULTS
CPSA CONFERENCE SNOOKER TOURNAMENT - WINTER GARDENS

1 G Webster (W. Indies BL'84 defeated by 3 McLaughlin (White SWP) Webster snookered behind the white.

2 M Serwotka (DHSS Warsaw) defeated by G Alders (Mendicant Birmingham) Red potted by red. Foul stroke. Stewards inquiry.

3 J. Billouin (Liberal - LCD) defeated by BL LCD Section; Yellow potted by M Booth

4 S Thorogood (Mendicant -C&E) defeated by Ms F Clark Thorogood failed to turn up

5 R Bacon (DHSS - Carcase) defeated by S Kowalsk.l (DHSS BL'84 Lublin)

Our Sports Correspondent writes: No greens have been seen to be potted. Several Reds have been sunk during the week. The only Brown seen was on the inside of Ellis' pants. The pink is still the major ball & he still runs DHSS'. A number of Blues remain to be, notably Arthur Newell. As far as the yellow is concerned, it is a low priority colour sponsored by the balloon from Swindon but there is no point in potting it when the frame is won.

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THE WEDNESDAY WINE GUIDE
by Dominic Peter

We have reviewed 5 vintages of varying appeal this week. Three are unsuitable for any but the most primitive palate though the other two more than compensate for the initial disappointment. Blackpools discerning hotels and restaurants have adequate cellars where all 5 may often be found.

1940 CHATEAU WOMERSLEY
Disaster vintages universally. Wines traditionally declared as vintages (e.g. Champagne, Port) were deficient in quality and quantity. Many French wines in particular suffered from wartime neglect which affected their character. The vintages can be summarised as unattractive. Any wires left suffer from volatile acidity and are now cracking up and fading. Those who purchased them while young chose badly and should have anticipated an early burial rather than laying down for future enjoyment. Any wines left should remain in the bin forever.

1952 FRATELLI MACHIAVELLI WRIGLEY
Judging by the Krug Champagne (£275 per magnum--Fortnum & Mason) this was a star vintage throughout France. The clarets were characterised by leanness in youth. These have now developed into wines with excellent balance between fat fruit and tannin. The Burgundies are well constituted, consistent and forthcoming. The best are still excellent. The ports were harvested late but nonetheless produced wines of a rare quality. All the wines show the benefit of maturity and long aging. Purchasers of this vintage showed good judgment and will want to know the wines are almost at their peak and can expect to stay there for another 15 years.

1961 QUINTER CHAPMAN
Undoubtedly the greatest post war vintage to date. One of the best four of the century along with 45, 47 and 49. The clarets in particular wil1 develop slowly but have the benefit of better vineyard and cellar management. With careful handling these youthful and attractive wines will blossom with age maturing in about 2 - 3 years time. Like `52 they will remain at their peak for some years. The Champagnes are bubbly but one sour note; the ports were not declared.

1946 CO-OPERATIVO MAGYAR VINO PARTIZANI ALDERSON
The year that recovery from wartime neglect began, the overall impression is of nice quality but lacking persistency - and blunt. High alcohol contents were a characteristic. 1943 was of course the first vintage the French adopted a form of centralised operation. Bottle shapes were standardised and picking commenced on collective lines with the casual new a d lahnur organised for the first time. Unfortunately it was also the first year that an early form of VAT was introduced and coupled with UK excise duties, the wines were prohibitively expensive to import. Good wines are generally hard to find but with spirits being taxed differently, some reasonable vintage Brandies were landed. Stalin's favourite vintage.

1942 SCHLOSS LEWIS
A mixed bunch of wines with initially good fruit but now exhibiting bite. The wines are decidedly heavy - particularly the whites. The vines in Bordeaux suffered from disease due to neglect and this has left its mark. Burgundy, on the other hand, shows the charming side - as long as the wines were cellared well. Often available second hand. The champagnes are rounded but of dubious character. The Port vintage was much better though they are starting a gentle decline.

GLOSSARY
Volatile acidity - soft, feeble, lacking balance, past it, vinegary
Bite - acid grip in mouth
Cracking up, rounded, fading - self explanatory
Heavy - over endowed with alcohol, clumsy, lacking finesse
Lean - sinewy, firm, a characteristic of middle aged clarets approaching their best
Fat - sweet, highly acid, high alcohol and glycerine

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A Japanese soldier was recently found on an obscure island in the Pacific unaware that WWII was over. His oversight was explained to him end he asked
`Tell me, how is Hirohito?'
`Dead' replied the search party, `we buried him only recently'.
`And Stalin?' `Dead'
`And Churchill?' `Dead'
`And Eisenhower?' `Dead. Anything else you want to know?'
`Yes, is lan Leedham still trying to get on the NEC?'

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SATAN RUSHDIE top 10 RECORDS

1 Keep on Running
2 Nowhere Nan
3 Hanging Around
4 Help
5 Anarchy in the UK
6 Waiting for the Man
7 Travelling Man
8 Going Underground
9 Watching the Detectives
10 The Tears of a Clown

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Subscription forms are available from senior officers. To be sure of receiving inter-conference editions, please ensure that you hand in your completed forms by the end of the week.
Will all cadres note that there will be a debriefing in the Galleon bar in the Winter Gardens complex at the close of conference every evening. Intelligence reports to your usual contact throughout the day and night and money to designated agents. As much as possible please. A vast selection of badges ( £1 and 50p) and T-shirts (£5) is available in the Galleon every day.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
`Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'
Paul 19 v 11
Standard Exxon

FROM FALCONCREST TO PALESTINE
ONE STRUGGLE ONE FIGHT

THURSDAY

Dancing in the streets continued until dawn following confirmation of the widely leaked results (see Communique 2) of the NEC elections with the forces of Law and Order being returned with the expected huge majority. The Revolutionary Command Council, whose actions in ensuring a low turnout sealed the fate of the assorted REDS, has already held preliminary negotiations with ELLIS and CHAMBERS to discuss which of our demands shall be implemented first. STEVE ION, sole representative of the Left on the new NEC told the PFL “I like a challenge!”.

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Riotous Assembly brain donor ALLAN WEBB is at it again. The plank was heard talking to a stunned GEORGE LOBO, late of this Parish, telling him how much he admired his work, that he considered George was in the vanguard of the fight against repression in Southern Africa and that George was remembered as a excellent conference speaker. When this blatant hypocrisy was questioned by young ROGERS, Webb justified his actions by claiming he was merely following the appeal to `patronise the AAM stall.'

The press room has been unusually empty this week. The GRAUNIAD hack got bored and left on Tuesday, leaving the field open to ace reporters STEVE DUNK and ROY JONES of MENDICANT and MORNING STAR respectively. The Scottish Gangster JIMMY BOYLE was wisely judged by the Mendicant Comintern not to be reliable enough to cover Blackpool this year and has been left to languish in the print room.

Few members have actually met the stunningly popular head of CPSA's Education and Organisation department, VAL STANSFIELD. This may be your last chance as the dynamic supremo - who has transformed the department from the shambles REAMSBOTTOM left behind - will shortly be leaving for the Antipodes and is not expected to return from Australia for at least 9 weeks. ELLIS' extraordinary decision to release her, in the middle of National Membership year is compounded by the expected departure of her foe, MARGARET GRANT, the Education HEO, who is Jumping ship following a career development interview'. SKIPPY STANSFIELDS last application for the Women's officer vacancy at the GMB was unsuccessful and Mde GRANT's departure is expected any day; leaving the field open for WRIGLEY'S transfer and ultimate rise to the lucrative Education chief post when SKIPPY says bye bye.

MIKE HUGHES little daughter FRUNELLA was seen crying at the amusement arcade after her daddy had refused to let her ride the fire engine, insisting that she ride the tank again.

The lovely SAMANTHA CHAMBERS, was one of the few moderates who didn't get elected on to the NEC. Her own branch, LCD Chilterns refused to nominate her this year and will continue to do so until she learns how to spell the branch name.

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FUCKALL CONFERENCE LEAGUE - DIVISION V
DYNAMO DREADFUL 21 HOXTON WANDERERS 5

The low turnout of just over 35,000 for this vital Division V encounter has been acknowledged as being largely due to the Government's new membership scheme, but still aroused its usual passion with JOHNNY SANDS leading the prematch community singing.

Dynamo Coach, BRUNO ELLIS signed a lucrative new deal at a Taunton Motorway Restaurant minutes before the game and this heartened the DREADFUL following amassed on the FALCON terrace. MARIO CHAMBERS retained her large goalkeepers jersey, and KAYE, after showing promise in earlier outings, kept her place. The midfield and attack was made up of largely inexperienced players and question marks have been raised in fanzines as to their ability.

WANDERERS, with many of their Left sided players sidelined, were always at a disadvantage and in spite of sterling work by leading scorer JOCK OWSKI failed to get with the workmanlike midfield engine of HANSON and the ebullient DUGGAN. (Booked late in the first half for gesturing) ALDERSON did good work to forge openings on the left flank and BARROWCLOUGH provided further support down the left wing.

A pitch invasion by one stranger was not allowed to disrupt proceedings and indeed proved to be the ion required in what was largely a very anaemic affair. Indeed, it was the pre-match attempts to bar fans from the seated areas of the ground for which this dreary affair will be remembered.

Following the match, a move by the football supporters association to exert influence on the pay of the players was averted.CHRIS KIRK is in mild panic over the enforced absence of loyal Agent BRIAN LAISTER - injured in the line of duty on Monday and now taking well earned rest (ward 34 of Victoria Hospital Blackpool) - as she now has to write her own speeches.

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ARE YOU AN EXPERIENCED DELEGATE?
TEST YOURSELF WITH THIS SIMPLE QUIZ

1 ARE YOU SOBER?
a) Yes, all the time
b) Shome of the time, woss it t'you fartface?
EUURGGGH.... (sound of Marion turning off the microphone)

2 BREAKFAST TIME AT THE HOTEL. DO YOU:
a) Have the full hearty English Breakfast?
b) Have a fag, cough and pour whisky on your cornflakes?
c) As (b) but without the cornflakes?

3 HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THE PHALANX OF PAPER SELLERS AND HANDOUTS?
a) Collect everything, read them all and file neatly for future reference?
b) Select your own faction's toilet vouchers only?
c) Barf over the sellers (cornflakes optional)?
d) Arrive too late for the sellers, head straight for the PFL agents demanding today's communiqué?

4 MOVING A MOTION AT CONFERENCE. DO YOU-
a) Prepare your speech 3 weeks in advance rehearsing and rewriting it in front of the cat until word and pause perfect?
b) Scrawl a few notes in the pub the night before?
c) Sleep through it in the observers' gallery, only learning of your crass error from the next day's PFL bulletin?
d) Prepare a speech on the wrong motion, get to the rostrum smashed out of your skull and mumble incoherently until the president switches you off and suggests that, due to the heat, you appear to be in need of a cup of coffee?

5 RAISING A POINT OF ORDER; DO YOU-
a) Raise one of the four perfectly legitimate points of order during an actual debate?
b) Complain about something entirely unconnected with the debate in order to enhance your electoral prospects and/or ensure that a guillotine chops off an imminent motion put forward by another faction?
c) Take the opportunity to remind delegates that the PFLCPSA communiqués are now available in the foyer?
d) Lurch drunkenly into the aisle waving your order papers, drop them everywhere and miss your chance to catch the President's eye?

6 WHEN IT COMES TO A CARD VOTE; ARE YOU -
a) In possession of the cards, know what your mandate is, and sitting in Conference at the time?
b) Only in charge of the card vote because your turn for the beach is tomorrow?
c) In the Galleon bar and don't hear the division bell?

7 OUT AND ABOUT AT THE EVENING SOCIALS. DO YOU-
a) Go to your own Section “do” only and spend the rest of the week writing speeches and having early nights?
b) Go to all the socials - even the ones where you re not welcome -get pissed, molest members of the opposite sex, or your own, as the case may be, pick fights with rubber plants and wake up looking like a Japanese Sniper?
c) As for (b), but all year round not just at conference.

NOW ADD UP YOUR SCORE:
1 a (0); b (2); c (10) » 2 a (0); b (5); c (10) » 3 a (0); b (2); c (10);
d (50) > 4 a (0); b (2); c (10); d (50) > 5 a (0); b (5); c (100); d (50) »
6 a (0); b (10); c (50) » 7 a (0); b (10); c (100)

HOW YOU DID:-
0-20; Welcome to your first conference. 21-50; Still a novice.
51-150; You've been before, haven't you? 151-220 Seasoned plonker, clearly NEC material. 221+ Hello Ray!

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EVE'S DROPPINGS

`Who's that Marek Swastika?' TINA PROCTER
`When they pulled mine out I said put it back in and give it to Dave Kowalski' ELLIS
`You've got to be a Socialist to do this job. Mark you, I've not got any sympathy for those I've evicted. They've had every chance.' The Peoples Bailiff RED O'REGAN
`He's only saying that because he knows I've got all the answers M DRAYTON
`If the Broad Left put their money where their mouth is, they'd spend the whole week stuffing fivers up their arse! HOWIE OLIVER
`The reason why Steve Ion is the only BL Member elected to the NEC is that he's the best looking' KEVIN McHUGH

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POLL OF POLLS

The Popular Front has taken an average from three opinion polls which took place during the week; GUARDIAN (MORI), MILITANT (RSL), MORNING STAR (IND COOPE). The question asked was:- `Who is THE MOST HATED MAN IN CPSA?' The Results show a decided swing to the right:

1 MICHAEL DUGGAN 325%
2 JOHN ELLIS 290%
3 JOHN BILLOUIN / ROY LEWIS 187%
5 SALMAN RUSHDIE 98%

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SEXISM NEWS

Popular Front Agents last night captured photographs showing IAN LEEDHAM and `84 Women's leaderine KALI MOUNTFORD on their feet taking enthusiastic part in the general applause for SKINT VIDEO at the DNS social after 90 minutes of some of the most sexist and racist `humour' ever perpetrated at a CPSA Social. This after scenes earlier in the day at the distribution of yesterday's communiqué following PFL agents coded announcement to conference (through the usual point of order) that issue 3 was available. KALI strode up to the distribution point demanding to know “who wrote this drivel”. Whilst most agents sniggered at the attack and Colonel ISLAM bravely ran away to hide behind loyal bodyguard HARDING, Agent J, naively assuming that an intelligent debate might be possible, stepped forward to ask what had caused offence in the communiqué being thrust under his hooked nose. He was particularly bemused as, through lack of space, the communiqué contained not a single “quote” of the type which appears to be in danger of re-uniting the left for the first time since 1984. Preparing to launch into his rehearsed and implausible argument that the PFL merely exposes rather than espouses sexism, he inquired exactly what had caused the present offence. KALI stormed off without reply threatening only that she would form a caucus and return to the confrontation in larger numbers. This hypocritical response was apparently caused by the single word `harpies'.

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PFLCPSA NEWS

Subscription forms are available from senior officers. To be sure of receiving inter-conference editions, please ensure that you hand in your completed forms by the end of the week.
Will all cadres note that there will be a debriefing in the Galleon bar in the Winter Gardens complex at the close of conference every evening. Intelligence reports to your usual contact throughout the day and night and money to designated agents. As much as possible please. A vast selection of badges (£1 and 50p) and a few T-shirts (£5) are still available in the bar.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
`I beseech you in the bowels of Christ that you may be wrong'
OLIVER CROMWELL before the Battle of Dunbar Drove

FROM FALCONCREST TO PALESTINE -ONE STRUGGLE ONE FIGHT

FRIDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

While JANE McINTOSH and some of the other degenerates, WOODS etc, were at the DOG-TRACK last night, ELLIS was locked in furious negotiations with NUCPS opposite number LESLIE CHRISTIE, over the dinner table at the RIVERHOUSE restaurant, Blackpool's most expensive, compliments of C R HILLS. CHRISTIE, knowing that the SECRET LEFT'S grip on NUCPS was lost once and for all, is ready to offer our leader any price as long as he keeps his own wages, pension and beer money. The doughty YORKSHIREMAN, flushed with this weeks victories, and bored by the petty difficulties facing the Scot, would only accept unconditional surrender, and even then would not commit himself, mindful of the fact that the necessary membership ballot could easily overturn all such private deals. CHRISTIE then crawled to the NEW CLIFTON to lobby BIG BAD DUGGAN, KOWALSKI, HANSON, KAREN EVANS (MSF) and others who had been lured there on a promise of free drinks. As the proud Scot sunk deeper and deeper into his cups, all he could do was mutter `waddo I ave t'do - wasser bottom line?' over and over again until finally passing out in an armchair. On being roused by the night porter at 5.00 am, he sprang to life yelling `DEATH TO JOHN EDMUNDS!' When warned by PFL agents over the usual breakfast of fags whisky and cornflakes, that this would inevitably be reported in today's communiqué, he responded that he had changed the line and it was now "Death to John Ellis".

CAROL ROBERTS, one of the MOD heroines elected this week had clearly not anticipated her stunning victory at the polls this week, gather than waste time representing the members in poxy Blackpool, she's gone on a cruise to Florida and won't be back till the end of the month.

Southern Assembled chair and token mystic FILTH ROGERS is a broken man. So scared is he of the Section women's officer that he will stop at nothing to appease EILEEN GEORGE. He has accepted a cordial invitation from Ms George to attend her Swindon workplace in an effort to oust ALLAN WEBB whose conference dedication to the pursuit of alcohol has incurred her wrath. Rogers, a seasoned PFL activist, thus has every reason to fear for his life. He has been instructed to go underground for a while in order to distance himself from the Popular Front until the ideological frenzy dies down. Sitting through one of the SWP “actchewally” debates he was caught defacing said organisation's masthead by substituting the `OR' for `AN' (work it out for yourselves or ask a friend). While his artistry was being passed around, he hastily performed a similar operation to achieve the “Morning Stalin” in a pathetic attempt to appear balanced. All this because he spotted the fiery Ms George at the rostrum waiting to speak and he thought she was going to raise a point of order against him. Naturally, part of his calculation in accepting the Swindon invitation has been the effect of the new subsistence rates on his potential `real ale' consumption.

Delegates will welcome the news that SUSAN `ARRISON should be back in the frame next year. After successfully bringing forth a little `arrison, she is back in the Service and ensconced in the `Ome Orifice Trade Union Side. Re'earsals are well under way for her dramatic return to the conference floor in 1990. Larry finks its grea'

And if you were wondering at the appalling standard of the SOCIALIST WANKER's dreadful rag, blame ANDY FERRIS, ex CPSA motocross champion, brought in specially to operate their Gestetner and broke it on the first day.

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MARXISM TODAY
by Guy Burgess

While the MODR8's drank the town dry, the night of the long knives began early in the BL'84 camp. Following our exclusive announcement in Communiqué 3, LEEDHAM's public admission of secret talks with MENDICANT envoys took place at Wednesday's `84 rally. This, as one might expect, has triggered a new round of intra-factional bloodletting. At the DNS social the LEEDHAM MUST GO Committee was openly planning their next step. That's more than could be said for the National Savings organisers who booked the SHOWBOAT run by a manager slightly to the right of ARTHUR NEWELL after the bar had taken all our money with their usual Blackpool Specials' he blew his top over the two minutes given to PANCHO NORIEGA the Nicaraguan guest whom he assumed to be a Libyan terrorist. The Disco was closed 16 minutes early and for good measure the DJ sacked for allowing the performance to go on. HARDING had been thrown out earlier.

Lack of lucre is another problem for the REDS of `84, who have been twisting the arms of their fulltime officer stooges. VERONICA BAYNE was instructed to levy a £20 tithe on all sympathisers. But while this is only a fraction of the money squeezed from McVICAR and ADAMS every week by MENDICANT, she has found it a virtually impossible task. MURDOCH and HANSON refused point blank to shell out. GEOFF LEWTAS, however, has been more successful. Instructed by LEEDHAM to prepare the anti POPULAR FRONT petition, he carried out his mission like a dog, ordering a headquarters typist to type it and run it off on CPSA supplied paper.

OLAF PALMER, NUCPS President (till next week) is also in town playing second fiddle to his master, LESLIE, who has been conducting top-level negotiations with bottles in bars all along the seafront. Though he toes the party line in public, Palmer has been using his time to tout his insane pet plan to detach all Customs workers from their respective unions and create a new Customs union of his megalomaniac dreams, which, as we said on page 1, end for good next week when NUCPS election results are announced. This however is unlikely to bring FRANK PEMBERTON's dream of becoming VP any closer as he is expected to come bottom of the poll as usual.

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REDS
by Raymond Mercader

Morale amongst the troops is low in the MENDICANT camp despite the best efforts of their cheerleaders on the floor of conference and the disarray amongst their loathed `84 rivals. ADAMS and McVICAR have wisely kept a low profile all week, leaving the glory to their senior theoretician, STEVE ION. They do, however, see the need to seize the initiative from the SOCIALIST WANKERS PARTY which has been poaching their members as well as recommencing the onslaught against BL'84. Cutting the caucus down to size is the first step. The second is to step the campaign to discredit DUGGAN and force MARION's deputy into open alliance with the MODR8s. Not directly involved in the moves to replace LEEDHAM, Duggan's call for BL'84 to withdraw from future presidential contests is his cynical response to the MENDICANT manoeuvre. But within the TROT BLOC, Mendicant face bitter opposition from the SWP who have benefited in recruitment and influence by exploiting Duggan as a hate symbol to rally the lunatic fringe behind them. The other alternatives, ALDERSON and KOWALSKI are non-starters. Alderson is likely to seek promotion and the safer climes of the NUCPS and while it is true that the Polish Count received the largest NEC vote, half of them came from Marion in the first place.

MIKE HUGHES, defending his `oversight' in not selling his usual 200 `New Workers' pleaded that he had additional responsibilities in the shape of his daughter FIONULA. This was plainly demonstrated yesterday when he left the baby in the Galleon in the company of 6 total strangers for over an hour.`Do you want to go to a Socialist Caucus Meeting?' ANON `I've had a better night with toothache' ANNE MATHEWSON

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MARCOS NEWS
by Torquamada

BERNIE WILLIAMS could teach the Panamanians a thing or two. The Newcastle Central Office elections, organised by the gang of four to give some legitimacy to the puppet regime, was declared in Newcastle at 1.45 pm on 27 March. Williams had however failed to co-ordinate his actions with GENERAL ELLIS, who had already informed the world earlier that morning. To avoid this happening next year, we have been obtained the first draft of next year's results for NCO readers to cut out and keep till March 1990.
The postal ballot results will be confirmed by Howdy Doody in due course and will read:-

K Oliver (CDMT) 1,572,623
C Clewes (CDMT) 1,572,623
G Clewes (CDMT) 1,572,623
J Comb (CDMT) 1,572,623
* A Stooge (CDMT) 1,572,623
* A N Other (CDMT) 1,572,623
* P Grovel (CDMT) 1,572,623
* A Crawler (CDMT) 1,572,623

* actual names to be filled in by B Williams nearer the date.

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EVE'S DROPPINGS

`I didn't have my clothes on' KOWALSKI `I didn't have my glasses' KAYE `I say, who is that woman, I find her remarkably attractive' DRAYTON `I think I may lose my celibacy tonight' THOMASON `One look at Alderson and my daughter shits herself' M HUGHES `I suppose I'm going to have to start cracking Jokes now' CALLAGHAN `If you have the trots, you produce a lot of weak watery motions' HANSON

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PFLCPSA VOTING INSTRUCTIONS

1010 Oppose. PFL policy to abandon all forms of balloting.
1020 - 1023 Oppose in favour of 1024. Must maintain the ability to
manufacture the Islamic bomb.
1043 Oppose. Outrageous motion supports football hooligans and muggers,
further attempt to undermine Law and Order. The progressive
line involves public floggings for juveniles and their
parents.
1045 Support. South Africa persecutes Moslems.
1049 ditto.
1061 Support Regardless of mandates.
1063 Oppose. This complex question cannot be resolved by this simplistic
approach.
1066 Support. Return of the Albanian Gold. Key PFL demand.
1069 Support. The Popular Front supports all revolutionary struggle.
1102 Oppose. Salman Rushdie is a blaspheming Bastard.
1103 Oppose. The progressive line is extension of these laws to cover all
religions including Islam.
llO4a Oppose. Egalitarian nonsense.
Pat Groves was 29 yesterday (at least). None of you bastards bought her a card.

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BI BI CONFERENCE
And so another action packed week draws to a welcome close and we can all get back to useful work. Thanks to all supporters. Islamic Martyrdom is awarded to:-
BILL GALLOWAY and the staff at ADEPT Printing;
Scottish and Polish Patriots;
and all the Full Time Officers who gave us money and wrote the stories.
Special mention for the deep cover agents who kept conference informed of our progress through skilful points of order and by raising the massively successful boycott petition. For obvious reasons you cannot be named but you will be pleased to know that your efforts have pushed the readership to unprecedented levels.
Thanks to the leader, COLONEL ISLAM and his car SHAHRIN; to Agent J for his tireless computing; to bodyguards and distributors BRONCO, `Pretty Boy' JOHN & the PEOPLES' BAILIFF; To Officer HARDING for turning up and Sir WOY d'LEWIS for squeezing the dosh.
Lastly, we thank U Conference, without whom our efforts would mean even less than yours. Bi Bi - see you in Bournemouth 1990.

I will return and I will be millions Eva Peron

PFLCPSA NEWS
SUBSCRIPTION FORMS are available from senior officers. To be sure of receiving inter-conference editions, please ensure that you HAND IN YOUR COMPLETED FORMS BY THE END OF CONFERENCE.
A small selection of badges (£1 and 50p) and a few T-shirts (£5) are still available in the Galleon bar.

FROM FALCONCREST TO PALESTINE - ONE STRUGGLE ONE FIGHT