Conference 1996

WEEKEND

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

TONY ROUSE, PAUL SMITH and STUART CURRIE decided to go on a continental holiday recently which included a hired car. All very well until they got to Frogland and discovered to their horror that it was a mere PEUGEOT 106. At first the problem of getting all three of them plus their luggage seemed unsolvable. They tried it head first, feet first and then as usual, arse first. This seemed to do the trick with CURRIE in the back squashed like a fly against the rear window. Alas, a tyre gave up the unequal struggle on the second day and burst. Day three and the intrepid ROUSE attempted to do some shopping. Not being familiar with the lingo -- he can barely speak English for that matter -- he returned with eggs and "some oil". Breakfast consisted of eggs cooked in vinegar. The following day SMITH got the car stuck in some mud and had to be pushed free without the help of TONY, who maintained that as he didn’t park it there he was buggered if he was going to get his feet dirty by helping. ROUSE got his comeuppance on the flight home. He had to miss the soup as he could not lower the food tray past his ample corporation. Incidentally, TINO HERNANDEZ declined to go on this jaunt as he didn’t think he could get the weight up in time.

Heard about the wonderful Benefits Agency school at Stoke Rochford? Our right-on students, following an overdose of brown lemonade, were found running up and down the residential section Occupied by female delegates from NAPO (probation officers) chanting "We want SEX" ad nauseum. Their pleas went unrequited and all CPSA courses have now been cancelled pending a FALCONCREST enquiry. Moral: You’re not at Conference all year round.

Our great leader is nonplussed. Last week a non-entity called VINCENT HANNA refered to BARRY as RAMSBOTTOM. He clearly had never heard of the great man before.

To GLORIA (ELSIE) TANNER: MARION says ta very much for the flowers and the TURKISH DELIGHT. What does this mean? Answers on a postcard using the words TAXI-DRIVER, SEARCH-PARTY and DOING THE KNOWLEDGE by Wednesday.

LEO BRIGHTLEY wishes it to be known that he has never (knowingly) fallen asleep with his face in a curry. He tells us that he may have succumbed to the arms of Morpheus to left of a curry, to the right of a curry, underneath the table, against restaurant walls, doors, on the pavement outside and various other places unmentionable in a family magazine like our own. He insists that our story refers to Mickey Duggan at "Abdul the poisoner’s" in Brixton.
Congrats to DNS Glasgow (Danny Williamson) responsible for the lead motion this year on raising overnight subsistence in London to £50 a night. Trot Danny (soon to be VP) is on the NEC which meets... in London!
Good old Alan England (sacked) has been nominated for Honorary Life Membership of PTC.

McCANN and LEITCH flew back to Scotland recently after the NEC. They got shitfaced after the NEC, left the pub at 18.30hrs to get a few in at the departure lounge. After half a dozen Veras our Caledonian quaffers were creating arguments with other passengers at the check-in. On the plane McCANN kept falling forward and banging his head on the seat in front. They were both ejected from their seats and sent to sit at the back of the plane.

LEITCH ordered a drink and was told that the flight crew had orders not serve either of them alcohol. On arrival LEITCH ordered a cab to MCCANN’S mansion, dropped the comatose SCOTTISH OFFICER off and dashed off at great speed in search of further liver damage before closing time.

What is the difference between AMANDA CAMPBELL and KATE ADIE? KATE follows disasters...

PFLCPSA NEWS
Don’t forget: the more bread we get, the bigger the daily bulletin. Quotes we need, stories we need. Money above all to defer our considerable printing costs.

We would also be grateful for the daily point of order which indicates that our bulletin is ready for your collection. Your main contacts this year are as usual Agents Bronko, Apollo, Picasso, Col.Islam and as a last resort, Sir ROY D’LEWIS. To any new delegates we still have copies of last year s "New Delegates Guide to Conference. A must.

MONDAY

The MODERATI had to make a difficult choice in BA due to departmental limitations. They wanted their new stooge PHIL EASTON from Makerfield in -- so someone had to go. It was a toss up between Sir ROY D’LEWIS or DONNY McINTYRE. Unfortunately it was not DONNY’S day. He’s not taken his come-uppance quietly. He thumped McGOWAN in the FIDDLERS ELBOW in an unrelated incident on Friday night and swears this is just practice for the days to come.

Talking about violence ANN JARVIS, now an HEO and working for ES Management, is back in town observing the great events for her masters. The gentle ANN has already threatened to break TIM THORPE’S legs for reasons we have yet to ascertain.

The Moderati are none too happy at the fact that the amount of nominations for DIMLEFT candidates has doubled since last year. And it would have been even bigger if Contributions Agency hadn’t been reorganising their branches and refused to nominate anyone. LEO BRIGHTLEY take note.

A sunny day in Brighton town, but not enough to dispel the gloom on the faces of the Moderati contemplating their first electoral set-back for years at the hands of the assorted Trots. While the swing against them is still not reckoned to be enough to topple them from the NEC, BARRY’s henchmen are bracing themselves for the loss of TONY ROUSE at the hands of their greatest foe, DANNY WILLIAMSON, together with a few other wannabies.
But while the DEMOCRATIC LEFT have joined them in shedding crocodile tears at the MENDICANT revival, the DEMLEFT bosses -- Messrs BOYLE, LEWIS & Co., have been quietly chuckling at their masters’ discomfort. They’ve spent the past four years crawling to RAMSBLADDER and his cronies but all they’ve got to show for it is a couple of full-time posts and a few seats on the NEC -- courtesy of the Moderati machine. A swing to the TROTS which leaves them unscathed, they hope, will best place them to extract major concessions from BARRY in return for their continued loyalty.

Welsh supremo JEFF EVANS is staying at the ABBEY HOTEL (which was handpicked by HOWIE OLIVER on the basis that it is nearer to Portsmouth than Brighton) which is known by the locals as the ‘SCABBY ABBEY’ for reasons we can only guess at. The hotel was raided on Friday night by Brighton DRUGS SQUAD with sniffer dogs and half a dozen police cars. It was so successful that they repeated this on Saturday. Disappointingly no arrests were made. The DVLA contingent - or at least half of them - also managed to get lost in London on the way down, crossing the Thames no less than 5 times before conceding defeat and ‘phoning the Welsh Office boyos for directions on how to get out of London. One of them even had the bright idea of attending a car boot sale ‘while they were there’... but she was sat on...

That Saturday PATRICK TEYHAM, a DOE delicate of no account, got pissed and gate-crashed a local wedding reception. The guests joined in the fun, painted half his face green and shaved his head. LEWTAS sent him home on Sunday.

But it’s business as usual in the more seedier Brighton bars. MATT ANCELL, the branch secretary at New Scotland Yard, took his pre-conference training a little too seriously. At an early drinking session he was so drunk he toppled off his stool and fractured his leg. Much like SIAN RUDDOCK, ace member of MENDICANT LABOUR’s revolutionary vanguard, who broke her leg on a proletarian SKIING HOLIDAY.

SPIKE (Derek) WILSON, ex-DSS Lothian and Borders, and an Edinburgh Labour City councillor, has been heavily involved with the LEITH PROSTITUTES ASSOCIATION. Four and a half grand has gone missing. And so has he. The Labour Party are also chasing him as he hasn’t paid his subs for two years.

Another Labour stalwart on Edinburgh council is STEVE CARDOWNIE (for the benefit of newcomers, ex CPSA - founder member of the late BL84). He’s recently married a DIFFERENT Russian girl, aged 19. ANASTASIA has just had a baby. Their only income is his council expenses. She’s younger than his first son from a previous marriage.

The General Secretary for Life, however, won’t be losing much sleep over the DIMLEFT. He’s got bigger fish to fry. Merger talks with the PTC have reached a critical stage. While there’s general agreement on the principle of one glorious civil service union -- a long-standing demand of the PFLCPSA incidentally -- none of the brass can agree on the share-out of the spoils. BARRY, of course, will be General Secretary of the new amalgamation or else the deal doesn’t go through. And he’s not going to agree to anything until he is re-elected with a thumping majority next year. The problem lies with the lesser men of the PTC.

BROOKE, the onetime boss of the Inland Revenue, will go quietly. He’s had his slice and he’s looking forward to his well-earned rest. SHELDON, who came from the lowly CSU is another matter. Unlike his peers, SHELDON’S current pension entitlement is nothing like the bonanza the other two will eventually get. So he’s holding out and will only go if his pension is bumped up by another 10 years or so. As this will be a considerable financial drain on CPSA’s coffers, KEITH WHO is stalling. But the alternative is to carry SHELDON in post as co-general secretary, which is equally unpalatable.

The other problem the Moderati face is how to weld the various right-wing blocs in the PTC into a voting machine they can dominate with ease in a merger which they see as a simple take-over. Fortunately, ENGLAND, has been made redundant and quit the scene -- at least for now. FRANK the PLANK PEMBERTON is totally discredited -- he’s turned his coat yet again and rejoined the LABOUR PARTY after 20 years as a LIBERAL stalwart in a move which will probably cost him his Southwark Council seat and end his insane dream of becoming an MP once and for all.

We all thought he was dead but CHRIS MORON is alive and well in Brighton and now calls himself CHRIS BROWN. Why?

The late TONY ROUSE was hauled over the coals by MAID MARION for his crass incompetence in submitting to his branch an incomplete ‘Slate’ on behalf of the Member’s Alliance (Who? Ed). Apparently the author, whose name is still a closely guarded secret, had prepared the draft and had not known the last couple of names on the list (much like the average member in fact) so, to fill the space, he’d substituted the TRUMPTON characters Cuthbert and Dibble. This is the list that the dear - soon to be departed - ROUSE duly submitted to his branch, who support the list nem con. (Makes you wonder what they’d have done if the list had included the names, Dozy, Sneezy, Doc, Grumpy, Happy et al...) "Balloting" JOHN HICKEY, duly found a Mr Dibble in the BA printout and sent off the usual request for confirmation of his willingness to accept the nomination, which, fortunately for the MODS, he declined. There is, apparently, not a single Cuthbert in the Department. ROUSE’s boast to MARION was that it just showed I can get anything through my branch’ to which she replied ‘You must be able to, they keep nominating you and they haven’t seen you for years...’ Oh and I suppose we ought to mention that the sad old onanist actually managed to get himself locked in a toilet during his recent leafletting visit to CSA Birkenhead...

And did you know that the results of the 1994 and ‘95 elections are still being formally challenged through the SCROTUM. Though the identity of the challenger/s is still unknown, the only possible beneficiaries are the TROTS who would hope to persuade us all that any malpractice was further evidence of the appalling stewardship of the union under RAMSBLADDER. This is news?

FRANK BONNER electrocuted himself in the summer by mowing the lawnmower lead at the same time as the Lawn, spent several weeks in hospital, but is, unfortunately, still with us this week...

EVE’S DROPPINGS

Am I plugged in? Frank Bonner
Are you getting food? Viv Glew
No I need some underpants Tim Thorpe
What flavour? Glew
I’d sooner be a Proddy than a Trot Martin Boyle
It’s too early to go to the pub. Mine’s a pint Donny McIntyre
I’d have a pint too, if I wasn’t drinking Mike Jacobs
It’s a long time since I had a Camel. If only I hadn’t abstained...
(followed by copious weeping...) Ex Edinburgh Councillor Willy Samuels
...shameful shambolic shambles of a section executive committee Stuart Currie (not Jason Dross)
Chair! Chair! Chair! hey, thats 3 chairs! 3 chairs for Marion! Boil

WIT AND WISDOM OF THE LATE TONY ROUSE

You can piss off as long as you’ve voted! (aside. "They’ll never print that one")
I’ve got too much cellulite
Horse Shit with straw looked ever so nice
I’m going to have a wicked weekend with water
Conference is about Good and Evil...
I’m really looking forward to the Merger...

MAD COW JOKE OF THE DAY (Prizes for the least PC)
Q: ‘What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMT?’
A: ‘Buggered if I know’

We welcome delegates and observers - new and not so new - to Conference at Brighton 1996. Our guidance will be issued daily under the will of God to assist you in your deliberations over the weighty issues we are gathered here to debate beneath his stern gaze. We remind you that delegates must always carry out the mandate given to you by your branch, except of course where that mandate is clearly misguided as indicated by the Higher Authority. It is our humble task during this trying time to inform you on a daily basis when such authonty applies. Where possible you should support those motions which promote our aims, and oppose those which are irreligious or opposed to the declared aims of the Islamic left. In really difficult cases, Imams will be on hand to issue personal instruction and counselling. For a small consideration.

PFLCPSA NEWS
Probationery Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence.
Missing Word from Weekend edition: Resort
Daily debriefing in The Fiddlers Elbow (If you don’t know where it is we don’t want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes.
T-Shirts will be available from Senior Officers. Our invaluable ‘New Delegates Guide to Conference’ is still available in limited numbers at 50p each. Costs have Risen and Islam is now on an expensive macrobiotic diet, so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often.
Further Information on our Web Page. url - http//www.pflcpsa.com/index.html and our email address is 100407.750 @ compuserve.com

From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Rwanda to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

And he that sat was to look upon like a Jasper and a Sardine Stone - Revelations 4 v 3
Authorised Viz

Monday night was sombre as the Moderati planned their next damage limitation exercise. While nobody knows the election results, informed sources predict that the final tally will leave the Moderati with 13 NEC seats (down 2), the ASSORTED TROTS with 7 (up 2), the DIMLEFT with 6 (no change). MARION keeps the Presidency but the Moderati lose the junior VP to the TROTS. DONNY McINTYRE has already lost his seat. But every cloud has a silver lining: DONNY reckons he’ll get sent back to JSA implementation.

TONY ROUSE is at pains to make it clear that he was not the architect of the CUTHBERT, DIBBLE & GRUBB caper at Newcastle (see Monday’s issue). The real mastermind, we can now reveal, was in fact EX-COUNCILLOR WILLIE SAMUELS.

TREVOR RICHARDSON is a lucky man. He "won’ the raffle at the MoD bash on Sunday night — a free 6,000 mile car-service in a garage in ASPATRIA. This garage is owned by one TREVOR RICHARDSON who donated the prize in the first place. TREVOR’S business is booming -- can anyone be surprised -- and he’s leaving the service next month to spend more time with his money. The other RICHARDSON (Steve) broke his vows when he bought a bottle of spa water in the CENTRE FOYER and actually drank it.

I’ve spoken to JEFF EVANS who tells me that the ABBEY HOTEL wasn’t busted on Sunday night as predicted yesterday. JEFF reckons the next visit by the DRUG SQUAD won’t take place till THURSDAY. So it’s safe to "smoke" at the SCABBY ABBEY for another two days then.

Where are they now? Well CAROL "KALI" MOUNTFORD, who last year won a LABOUR woman’s only selection for the COLNE VALLEY constituency has been sacked from DE after refusing to obey management’s request to stand down. CPSA is fighting her case. Her constant companion, IAN LEEDHAM, also late of this Union, is a case officer for NAPO -- the probation officers club. Col. STUART HARDING is down at Bournemouth for the PTC bash. There, all is not well for UNITY (a secret society run by one NICK SHITE) who got a drubbing in the polls last week. It certainly put a smile on BARRY’S face and makes the CPSA takeover even more likely once RAMSBLADDER is re-elected next year. By the way, who was the delegate who told BARRY to FUCK OFF in the OLD SHIP HOTEL on Sunday night. A superb T-Shirt will be given to the purveyor of this information.

The Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

Motion 1- Oppose
Waste of time. Strikes should only be held as a last resort and these decisions should be left in the hands of the Leadership who can be trusted.

Motion 13- Support
These decisions too should be left in the hands of the Leadership.

Motion 26 - Oppose
Consistent with what we’ve just been saying, as these decisions should be left in the hands of the Leadership, there is no need to waste valuable association resources on such diversions.

Motion 39-Support
It should rarely be necessary to consider strike action and its a further waste of resources to ballot the members in any case.

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A lone ALAN DUXBURY was spied weeping into his ale yesterday, moaning that it had "all gone too far" and telling all and sundry that he’d never wanted to be surrounded by MENDICANT in the first place and that he "hated those bastards. And what was needed was for like-minded people, such as himself, to "get together".

THE CROTUM STAKES (Limited handicap)

A long distance handicap for stalking horses running from Falconcrest straight to the High Court. Entrance fee paid for by HM Government.

Capt. Blood’s Form Guide

BAUGH 6/4
Hot favourite to take this event. Temperamental sort, tends to sweat in the paddock. Ability to go on (and on) makes him the most likely to lift the trophy. Wears Blinkers.

ENGLAND 2/1
Imported thoroughbred. Good stock ideal for this type of event despite some notable public failures. Suspect current form having unseated his rider in this event in 1995.

ASTBURY 5/1
Old war-horse with a long track record. This is his final outing before impending early retirement to the Knackers Yard. Good each way bet for old times sake.

WILLIAMSON 10/1
Stablemate of favourite rumoured to have been performing well in minor events. A rising star now taking a major step up in class now returning to the course after excessive use of the whip. Prefers left-handed courses. A gelding.

JENKINS 33/1
A winner over course and distance but no longer the force he once was. Tripped up at the first hurdle in last years race. Continues at 3 stone overweight.

CASE 100/1
Novice who landed a suprise win in the recent "Election Address Selling-Out Plate" in a spirited performance. An outsider in this company. Trainer has declared that he will retire to stud following this race.

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EVE’S DROPPINGS

I’ve only one word to say to you — FUCK OFF! Frank Campbell to Joel Hirsch
What do you give a woman with everything — penicillin. Ditto

What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMT?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.. Martin Boyle

The PFL is getting an appalling reputation for veracity Sir Woy D’Lewis

OK, so I shag sheep, they can’t hang me for that... Ex.-Councillor Samuels

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O J SIMPSON’S WEBSITE: slash, slash, slash, colon, backslash, backslash, backslash, dot escape.
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PFLCPSA NEWS

Probationery Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence.
Daily debriefing in The Fiddlers Elbow (If you don’t know where it is we don’t want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes.
T-Shirts will be available from Senior Officers. Our invaluable ‘New Delegates Guide to Conference ‘is still available in limited numbers at 50p each. Costs have Risen and Islam is now on an expensive macrobiotic diet, so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often.
Further Information on our Web Page. url - http//www.pfl.cpsa.com/index.html and our email address is 100407.750 @ compuserve.com

From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Rwanda to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
Job 7.11 - Revised McIntyre

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

As we predicted, the Moderati have won another thumping victory at the polls. And while they whiled the night away celebrating, the assorted Trots were left to lick their wounds in Brighton’s seedier hostelries. BOYLE, who rashly wagered that ROUSE would go under, is now £20 the poorer — though TONY has got more chance of winning the lottery than collecting it. And DIMLEFT dreams of power-broking have been postponed for yet another year. And it was a great day for Conference: Motion 1 was debated for the first time since 1957.
But victory never goes to BARRY’S head. He displayed his legendary magnanimity over the weekend when he refused to personally give ALBERT ASTBURY his GOLD BADGE on the grounds that it would be sheer hypocrisy if he did — he despises the old man and he’s glad to see the back of him at last. By the way, Albert’s official retirement party takes place on 23rd MAY at the Winchester Crown Court at 6.30pm. Everybody’s welcome apart from RAMSBLADDER and CHAMBERS. Bring a bottle.

The hunt for the delegate who dared to insult the Great Scot is now over. The miscreant was none other than CHAS CLEWES whose actual words were "Fuck off Reamsbottom — you're a friend of that fat cunt Cox!". The splendid prize of a customised PFLCPSA T-shirt goes to our informant -- an old codger with a walking stick and Oxfam togs. Which reminds me, Joe Le Taxi wants to make it clear that he was not the cabby involved in the ELSIE TANNER scandal. The driver was Turkish.

PETER HARRIS, our perpetual chief steward, got. into the swing of things Tuesday morning, speedily showing the door to one ROBERT PUGH who was quite rightly ordered out by MARION from the Observers’ Gallery for abusive language. He will not return until he has grovelled in public to the President for Life.

Talking of fisticuffs, I missed a good one over the weekend. PETER LAPPIN, a first time delegate from BA Essex SW, who likes to be known as "FATHER JACK", got into an argument with TONY REAY by slagging off REAY’s hero, BUDDY HOLLY. LAPPIN said that the rock and roll legend was a "white supremacist fascist" and blows were exchanged causing the landlady to come up and complain about the noise.

We’ve all missed RACHEL BARROWCLOUGH and her flaming red frocks. It seems her branch forgot to send in its financial return and their bank account was frozen. And so it goes on...

CHRIS WANNELL, who did get here, was walking to the Centre Tuesday morning when the police who were looking for a "known felon" stopped him. When they eventually realised their mistake they offered him a tenner to go on an identity parade. PETER JOSHUA CAMPBELL from JOE COX’S delegation got pissed Monday afternoon and decided to sleep it off on the beach. Unfortunately for him the tide was turning and he crawled home soaked which put a dampener on his pulling power for the rest of the evening.

The ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS stall in conference is doing a brisk trade. And RICKY WRIGLEY should take note. He bought 4 cases of Chablis for his 3rd Floor cellar at a knockdown price to tide him over the month. But he knocked back 4 bottles in one go last Saturday before he could brace himself for the MoD social. William Hills are offering 4 to 1 against more than a single bottle making it back to Chez Winelake. STEVE RICHARDSON, in contrast, has definitely signed the pledge. He’s still on the spa water and was seen swigging a can of TIZER as a top-up.

Senior officers of the PFLCPSA later spent the evening in the OLD SHIP HOTEL, poncing drinks, telling lies and gloating over the quiz they’d rigged as usual. A scintillating hour was spent chatting up EMMA BUTTERWORTH, the new Legal Officer, who Col. Islam thought was one of bar maids because she dressed like one.

Patience finally snapped and WILLY SAMUELS threw a G & T over HEMINGWAY at the Hunt Ball - which is something many of us have dreamed of for some time. The only other exciting incident at the ball was JOHN MOFFAT winning the CPSA Notepad and Pen - thus at last breaking the DIM LEFT tradition of winning fuck all at Conference. RAMSBLADDERS predictable diatribe was rendered nearly bearable by the DJ’s accidental leaving the ‘Sound to Light’ switch on which at times made the scene almost psychedelic. The first prize was won by veep CAROL POPPLE WELL who was loudly instructed by MADE MARION (clearly in her cups) to ‘put it back - you’ve already had one big win today!’

BOB GASTER, the sad act at the Commercial Union stall got quite excited at one point during yesterday’s session when he thought he had a queue forming. This was until he realised that the coffee stall was just round the corner. He is now getting so desperate for trade that he has formally approached the PFL with a view to selling his wares through our august journal. This will not be difficult as we can be persuaded to do virtually anything for money. This paragraph will cost him a tenner for a start.

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Are you an Alcoholic?

To answer this question ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
1 Have you had to ask a friend to read this question?
2 Do you think we care?
3 Do you lose time from drinking due to work?
4 Is your home life interfering with your drinking?
5 Have you ever felt remorse after drinking - especially about not drinking?
6 Do you want a drink Now?
7 Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily - or just when you’re awake?
8 Does sleeping interfere with your drinking?
9 Have you forgotten?

If you have answered 1 or more of these questions, you are a very sad person. If you have answered Yes to all of them this is clearly not your first CPSA Conference.

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COMPANY REPORT -
‘FACING THE FUTURE WITH CONFIDENCE’

The AGM of CPSA plc was held in Brighton on 13th May. Shareholders gave the Board of Directors, under the leadership of Mr. Barry Reamsbottom, another vote of confidence for the fourth year running, despite vociferous objections from a minority of shareholders led by Mr. Danny Williamson and Mr. Albert Astbury. CPSA shares, which had dipped following rumours of an upset over the weekend recovered when the election results were declared and closed up 10p on the FTSE 100. Similar gains were recorded on the Nikkei, Hang Seng and Dow Jones indices overnight.

Mr. Reamsbottom announced a reshuffle of the board. Mr.McIntyre has resigned to concentrate on modernising the Scottish sales office. Mr. Astbury, the head of Debts & Recoveries for many years, has received his Gold Watch and will retire in two weeks time.

The Financial Director, Mr. Keith Mills, presented the Annual Report, which he said was a tribute to the sheer professionalism and aggression of the Management Team over the past year. CPSA plc was trading in a highly competitive market which was still in recession. Interest rates are at their lowest for 30 years and the industrial services market remains sluggish. But CPSA plc’s profits were up by a significant margin and the growth rate of 10 per cent was expected to continue well into 1996.

Take-over negotiations with the PTC Corporation have reached a delicate stage but Mr. Mills said he would have concrete proposals to put to the shareholders in time for the next AGM. The acquisition of a majority stake in the PTC was possible with or without the agreement of the current PTC directors. However, it was the Company’s wish to avoid a hostile bid if at all possible. The liabilities of the PTC Executive Pension Plan would put some strain on projected outturns. An equitable settlement based on 10-year options was being worked out.

CPSA plc’s record over the past financial year was second to none. Above average pay awards wereapplied to all employees and this was achieved through the early retirement and redundancy scheme, which was introduced in 1992. The new regional sales centres are up and running and the Falconcrest store showed continued growth despite restructuring. The ModeratE label retained its high profile in the High Street. The Company’s major subsidiary, the Roy Lewis Partnership, also improved its performance under the direction of Mr. Leo Brightley and Mrs. Glew. On the debit side sales of the Company Magazine, Red Tape, had fallen steadily throughout the year, particularly in Clapham. But the Financial Director dismissed reports of an imminent re-launch as "speculation".

"Further savings could be made if the current practice of annual elections were abolished altogether." He explained. Annual meetings were an expensive luxury which could barely be justified; as could be seen from the last 10 such meetings which had resulted in no significant changes in either Policy or personnel. A General Meeting every ten years would accrue savings in excess £l.5 million and the appointment of Board members for life would yield a further £1.2 million. Mr. Mills recognised that these were controversial proposals, which did not, as yet, have the full support of the shareholders. But he said they would have to be seriously considered in the future if CPSA was to retain its aggressive edge in tomorrow’s world.

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EVE’S DROPPINGS

What’s the difference between Benefits Agency
Management and the Moderates? Tim Thorpe
Dunno McIntyre
At least management gave me a box 4 first! Thrope

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The Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

Motion 174 - Qualified Support
Tempers and forearms have become frayed over this issue. The qualification is that screens should also be placed between Agent Bronk and his cheese.

Motion 182 - Support
On no account should non-typists ever be allowed near a keyboard. Except, of course, for those of us doing God’s work.

Motions 194,200,206,211,218,225,230- Oppose or Abstain
The usual annual attempts by the Godless to turn back the tide of history.

Reference Back on 942 - Oppose
The integrity of Conference is clearly safer in the hands of our wise and experienced leaders than the riffraff on the Conference floor.

PFLCPSA NEWS

Probationery Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence.
Daily debriefing in The Fiddlers Elbow (If you don’t know where it is we don’t want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes.
T-shirts will be available from Senior Officers. Buy Now, pay in 30 seconds. Interest free credit - subject to status. Our invaluable ‘New Delegates Guide to Conference ‘is still available in limited numbers at 50p each.
Costs have Risen and Islam is now on an expensive macrobiotic diet, so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often.
Further Information on our Web Page. Url - http//www.pflcpsa.com/index.html and our email address is 100407.750 @ compuserve.com

From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Rwanda to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

Is there iniquity in my tongue? Cannot my taste discern perverse things?
Job 6.30 Standard PFL

It was business as usual on Wednesday with threats of fisticuffs on the top table as well as amongst the rabble in the cheap seats below. Quite like old times really. This outbreak of hooliganism has seriously embarrassed McCREADIE, whose campaign to oust the GREAT SCOT was formally launched on Tuesday. And EDDIE PHILLIPS has already thrown in the towel in disgust, vowing that he will not stand again.

BARRY took the threats to his life from the likes of BEECHCROFT and WILLIAMSON seriously this time. DONNY McINTYRE has been given the job of guarding RAMSBLADDER, so he’s back in favour — until the end of the week that is. DONNY carried out his orders diligently. He returned to the OLD SHIP with burgundy all over his shirt but too drunk to remember whom he had spanked.

But the big bust up will come when the massed REDS come to the motion attacking this union’s TRANSATLANTIC links. It shouldn’t come as a complete surprise to them — the past three General Secretaries, GRAHAM, ELLIS and REAMSBOTTOM have all enjoyed extended "holidays" in the United States. What is interesting to note is the recent Falconcrest appointment of a US citizen as a "research officer". His deep cover name is MATT FLYNN. He calls himself an "independent journalist" and he is staying at the OLD SHIP HOTEL this week. COMMIE claims that he is a CIA agent are, of course, utter rubbish. The Company’s contacts are at a much higher level.

SKIPPY STANSFIELD’S ambitions are a loud as her mouth. And as her career reached a dead-end in CPSA a long time ago she’s determined to find a safe Labour seat in time for the next election. Her application to the Blackpool South constituency party was duly sent off - larded with abuse of one CHRIS BAUGH and his Mendicant friends. Unfortunately for her, that particular branch is packed with members from DNS and Land Registry and STANSFIELD wasn’t even shortlisted.

Ace militant KELLY GALLAGHER from Newcastle and District is now JSA implementation manager on a temporary promotion. She’s doing as much overtime as she can get, her enemies say, to pay for her Newcastle United season ticket which went up 15 per cent last season.

Earlier in the day I decided to pay a visit to the top table to see what my elders and betters were up to. What should I hear but WILLIAMSON calling McCANN a liar. McCANN advised DANNY to stop drinking and was wittily told to "Fuck off, you wanker". MICK’s riposte: "Too many doubles last night, Danny?" enraged his fellow Scot who then invited him to "step outside". McCANN then advised WILLIAMSON to "Fuck off" and DANNY then told MARION to "Get this wanker off my back". All of this took place during the violence at work debate.

As you come out of the Centre at lunchtime, take pity on the old man in a cloth cap selling the Morning Star and give him 40p. He is RICHARD MAYBIN, the national Chairman of the Communist Party of Britain.

Back at The Fiddlers Elbow BRONCO spied "the man who fell to earth" — young DONNY McINTYRE propping up the bar and drowning his sorrows. "What's the result of the card vote on subsistence?" DONNY asked. "Why should you care?" was the response from some one at the back.

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Conference Rhyming Slang

cattle ranch branch
mountain goat card vote
Lothian and Borders standing orders
Ace of Clubs overnight subs
willing and able top table
Harry Lauder point of order
King and Queen guillotine
nasty smell division bell
grunt and groan microphone
invertebrate delegate
Morning Star conference bar
youthful fervour new observer
railway track reference back
apple cores! lock the doors!
sad old bastard Albert Astbury
rubber mallet postal ballot
twist of fate mandate

Example
"I am one of the inverts for PFL this year. I hold the mountain for the cattle. We did not bring any youthfuls this year. I was twisted to meet the Lothian Committee to move a railway on the ace motion. When we got to the railway at Conference, there was much opposition from the willing with threats of a king. There were so many Harry’s I lost count. Sad old bastard had to be repeatedly told to sit down, as his was not a proper Harry. At one stage the grunt was switched off and just as I was heading for the Morning, Marion called "apples" and rang the nasty so I had to stay and hand in the mountain. Why don’t we abolish Conference and do everything by rubber."

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15 may ‘96 13:15 DVL. TUS 61792-762142 P.1For the attention of Mrs Moira Hallberg, ROOM 321, Old Ship Hotel, Brighton
Press Release from South Wales Evening Post 14th May 96 as follows:

Severn Crossing Bungle

Due to an administrative bungle on the part of the Department of Transport, both the old and new Severn Bridge will he closed until Sunday, 19th May. Chaos has ensued on both sides of the Severn, as businesses and holidaymakers make alternative plans. Gloucester has been put on alert and can expect thousands of vehicles over the next four days. Members of the public have been warned to avoid a beige Ford Escort making its way to Swansea, South Wales.

The driver must not be approached as we have reason to believe that your sanity will be seriously at risk if a conversation is attempted. Other drivers must take care to avoid driving up alongside this vehicle. The innocent phrase ‘I’m going to Swansea’ really means ‘I don’t know what the hell I’m doing but for some reason they’ve given me a driving licence’

The AA has erected special signs from Brighton to attempt to guide this vehicle to Swansea. The signs are approximately the size of a standard motorway sign, and are fluorescent pink. The signs and their meanings are as follows;’ Gwyneth turn left now — turn right’ Gwyneth keep going straight — Turn any way you like,’ Services’ Ham sandwich/egg custard -- stop, "Brighton" -- Tooting Bec Car Boot sale.

Dear Moira, please give the above your urgent attention.
By the way, tell Jessie that management have offered 5% pay rise, providing that Jessie stops saying "Now there’s a man I can do business with".
All the best, give my regards to everyone, and have a safe and uneventful trip (Julie & Helen please note) home.

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EVE’S DROPPINGS

Fuck off and crawl up your bosses arse! Williamson
I can’t. There’s no room. Boyle is already up there. McCann

Does this work Frank? Wendy Lorimer
Yes, if you hold it really firm and pull hard Frank Hamill

Shall we have another baby? Dennis Harty
No, but I’ll have a beer. Ann Wan

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The Islamic Left ~ Prayers not Politics

Motion 944 - Qualified Support
Isn’t it sad that with the Civil Service being stripped around our ears, the most energetic and time-consuming debate of the week will be about how many angels we can get on the head of a pin. If ever a demonstration was needed of the complete futility of Conference, this debate is it. Support our demands for the abolition of Conference and its replacement with the popular will of the masses.

Motion 1017 - Listen and decide

Motion 1022 - Who gives a shit?

Motion 1026 - Oppose
Women should not be forced into roles they are clearly unsuited for.

Motion 1030 - Oppose
The President is right to establish the precedent that abstentions are a legitimate vote for inaction and should thus be counted as votes against constitutional amendment or indeed any policy. And we are delighted to see that the NEC recognises the logic of this in their own proposed amendment (Motion 1031) though we would prefer to see 2/3 rather than simple majority. This is of course an example of how we can make the transition from Conference to the Popular Will.

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And of Dan he said, Dan as the Lion’s whelp: he shall leap from Bashui. Deuteronomy 33.22
- Williamson Translation

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

The Moderati are home and dry again and BARRY can relax. The merger talks will proceed along his direction giving the Great Scot plenty of time to campaign for re-election. But the General Secretary for Life’s other ambition - the restructuring of the full-time staff— still remains an unfulfilled dream. He regards all of them, apart from his handpicked toadies, as ungrateful back-stabbers. But he’s never been able to get rid of any of them, let alone McCREADIE or ADAMS. Delegates will be aware that Assistant Secretaries can only be dismissed by a 90 per cent plus vote at Conference. However, one idea, still on the drawing board, could solve his problems in the future. All existing Assistant Secretary posts would be frozen and new appointments made at a new negotiating officer grade. The new officers would come under the sole discipline of the Falconcrest Management. But it still leaves him with the problem of what to do with AMANDA...

The fracas in the hall during the CIA debate was nothing compared to what had passed a few hours earlier by the bar. The Management stewards had kept some ruffians, believed to be fascists, out of the Centre. And SOCIALIST WANKERS supporters of the Anti-Nazi League led by ANNA OWENS (suspended on full pay during departmental enquiry) set up their shop by the bar doors. MARION had given her consent for this (unofficial stall) for the day, mindful that their help might be needed if violence broke out. This vital information did not appear to have reached our brilliant Chief Steward, PETER HARRIS - or the Centre Management, who were only concerned that their table was too near the fire-doors.

To cut a long story short, the Brighton Centre called in the police to close the stand down and with a bemused HARRIS caught in the middle of it. After angry exchanges it was all sorted out amicably and the police departed and the stand was moved a few feet away from the offending door. The other SW ringleader was an old codger wearing a grey baseball cap. His name is GWYNNE, according to the Trainee delegate who gave him his ReStart interview, and he’s an unemployed member of the GMB from Southwark.

MARION, also offered to provide transport for anyone fearful of a potential fascist attack. The first opportunist was one MARLENE MACDONALD who sent Marion a note saying she’d like to take up the offer in order to return safely to her hotel. But she was also worried about moving from her hotel to a BORED LEFT do later in the evening, then on to a SCOTTISH binge, the Conference Social and finally back to her hotel again. The CPSA Bus was offered. "Don’t go to all that trouble just for me, I’ll use a taxi as long as you pick up the tab" was her generous offer and the HQ staff was on the brink of agreeing -- until, that is, about 4.45 when 40 other delegates suddenly realised it was pissing down outside and anti-nazi paranoia suddenly became fashionable. At which point the offer was pinned down to CPSA bus only, in shifts. The first of which took so long that 35 of the terrified delegates gave up in disgust and walked home anyway, braving the single fascist headbanger who’d stuck a few stickers on the windows of the Conference centre and caused the panic in the first place.

Talking of which, ROB HOWARD-PERK-INS the victimized TROT has got a new job. He’s taken the MURDOCH shilling and now works as a basketball commentator for SKY TV. Incidentally, BARRY’S thinking of killing two birds with one stone by appointing VAL STANSFIELD to defend KALl MOUNTEBANK.

ALAN DENNIS "a known security risk" did his MoD status no favours when he publicly told Conference that he was the national secretary of the BORED LEFT.

EMMA BUTTERWORTH, our new Legal Officer (still) has been swamped with complaints this week particularly from STEVE RICHARDSON who hasn’t had a reply about his chances of compensation following two incidents in March. RICHARDSON, who is often tired and emotional says he was beaten-up by some thugs in a local pub on Sunday and fell down the stairs the following Monday. He probably hasn’t even posted the letter.

RICHARD JOHNSON is one of BARRY’S latest appointments at Falconcrest He’s been at Conference all week poncing around with a mobile phone posing as PETER HARRIS’S "deputy head of security". Much like MONTY GORDON PATTERSON, the ginger-headed boss of I.T. at Falconcrest has also spent the week here in Brighton. MONTY’S being doing fuck-all and has spent most of his time lounging around in the bar of the OLD SHIP. Meanwhile, back in Clapham all the computer systems have crashed.

If the DIM LEFT were ever to dare to run a candidate against BARRY the man would be TIM THORPE who boasts that he hasn’t had a wash since Tuesday.

Strange happenings at the Oak Hotel on Wednesday. The DEMOCRATIC LEFT and BL 84 almost splintered.
Last night at the YORKSHIRE SOVIET AGM it became apparent that the split is now permanent. No DIM LEFT present. Not even SIR WOY. How could this have happened?

But at least something was happening there... which is more than can be said for the Grand Ball, which was so dead the bar staff were queuing up for customers.

Some of the leading personalities within DIM LEFT decided to have some fun at the DEAD LEFTS expense, singing that well known TOM JONES song "DELILAH". Due to their tired and emotional state they got the words wrong and joined in the chorus by singing "WHY, WHY, WHY, ANN JARVIS" ad nauseum. After a while DL84 (in particular JARVO) became unamused. This resulted in the enforced ejection of a dozen DIMLEFTERS. The hooligans were offered peace if they apologised. To date they have declined. Hence the current dissatisfaction. Amongst others LEO BRIGHTLEY, MOFFAT, GLEW, BOYLE, TINO HERNANDEZ were the culprits.

At lunch-time I decided to sample one of Brighton’s more discreet dining rooms, the Bon Appetit in the Lanes only to spy a woman delegate, whose name escapes even me, berating the waitress about her food. It was remicrowaved but it still wasn’t good enough for her and the displeased customer stormed out in anger. The waitress by now was almost in tears as she turned to the next table to apologise for any inconvenience only to be berated by none other than TONY CHURCH for being "unprofessional". The great trade unionist then complained to the manager about the waitress -- a single parent -- whose job is now in question.
It was amusing to hear STELLA DENNIS tell McCann "I don’t know why I’m talking to you as I really hate your guts". Everybody does.

RECIPE FOR POST-CONFERENCE STEW

INGREDIENTS: not in any particular order.

2 x Greens Lemon Cheesecake mix, 1 x large onion (almost), 500g candied mixed fruit, 1/2 cucumber, 15 green chillis (optional), 30 green chilies (compulsory), 2 x loaves of stale Mighty White bread including the green spots, 1 x Bacon & Lentil Cup-a-Soup.
1 x banana (black), 1 x tin anchovies (3 missing), 1 x jar green olives (1 missing), large packet of mixed herbs,
1/2 x 4pt container of 6 day old virtually fat free milk, 1/2 tomato (inc. fur)
1 x egg size six + 2 x rashers unsmoked streaky bacon +2 1/2 sausages from last weekend,
1 x clove of garlic (sprouting), 9/10 jar of Londis mild instant coffee with chicory.

METHOD: this is the way to do it. Try this at home kids.
Mix all ingredients together in your largest bowl and place in oven at gas mark 8. Please try to avoid using a polythene bowl if you want your deposit back. Go to the pub and drink your normal quota of strong lager, stagger back at 3.30am, notice interesting aroma, investigate source, turn oven off, retire to bed/floor/beach etc. Blame somebody else. Why not? You’ve been doing it all week. This recipe may not apply to all the rich bastards who stay in hotels. But who knows.

EVE’S FINAL DROPPINGS...

I even put in some words of my own Julie Wedgewood (on being congratulated about her speeches...)
What is 1022? Richardson
38 minutes before opening time Bronk
Sorry - I’ve Sold Out! Hamill
The Dem Left are the intelligentsia of the Moderates Sir Woy
Wanking is all mental Islam
Yeah, apart from the physical bit that is... Apollo
I’ll give her an equal opportunity Eddie Harling
When are you having Lewis executed? Myrtyn Jynkyns
When he’s of no further use Islam
That was 5 years ago! Jynkyns
Pete - have you farted? Bronk
Fuck off - he always smells like that Islam

Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

Welcome to Friday Prayers.
A week which one half of the union regards as a the least productive ever - because so few of their motions got through, while the other half regards it as a week of triumph for precisely the same reasons. It cannot be much longer before Conference finally accepts our long-standing demand and abolishes itself. Still, only a few motions to deal with before merciful release. These are the Imams’ recommendations:

Motion 661 - Support
An utter shambles. And good to see such hard-hitting language in a conference motion. The bosses will be quaking in their shoes.

Motion 679 - Oppose
Pathetic waste of association resources. The Legal Advice? See a Solicitor. The Medical Advice? See your Doctor. With advice like that who needs confusion and ignorance.

Motion 701 - Support
A work of inspired genius. Take special note of how this skillfully worded motion renders consensus impossible even on one of the few issues we probably all agrees upon. Even if the Moderati NEC support all 6 of the actions proposed, they still have to oppose the motion because of the censure in the opening sentence. This model motion wins the PFL commendation for Anti-Conference motion of the year and we hope to see many more like it next year in Bournemouth.

Motion 711 - Yawn and Stretch

Motion 713 - Wake me up when I’m thirsty

Motion 722 - Support
Anything which reduces the Caledonian stranglehold on the levers of power is OK with us.

Motion 734 - Support
We should be told who and where these people are.

Motion 756 - Support
Nice to see some real workers in here for a change.
Phil Carpenter would have been mentioned but he couldn’t come up with the cash.

PFLCPSA NEWS

Funds desperately needed. A few T-shirts still available. And our latest addition to the Range - the PFLCPSA Tie - only £6. And so once again its Bibi Conference - and next year its back to Bournemouth if our provisional booking in Beirut is not confirmed in time. Thanks to the usual team of helpers, hinderers and hangers on. BRONK and ISLAM to their seedy inner city hovels. APOLLO returns to get hitched in time for next year. PICASSO will figure it all out later. Many Thanks to Anthony King and PRONTAPRINT for their special efforts to meet our demanding deadlines. And Thanks to you, Conference, for being there when we needed you.

From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Los Angeles to Peru -
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory