THE POPULAR FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF CPSA
FIGHTING ON IN OUR 45th YEAR BUT A BIT RETIRED NOW

FREEDOM! UNITY! SOCIALISM!
ONE CIVIL SERVICE UNION,
ONE GLORIOUS DESTINY!

REVOLUTION UNTIL VICTORY!

HOME

RECENT

JUDAS

CONFERENCE

MAGAZINES

OTHER STUFF

CONTACT US

CONFERENCE 1997

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

As usual BARRY and his cronies have been drinking themselves silly, certain of another sweeping win one way or the other, in the elections. But dark clouds are in the offing. The merger deal is in a shambles following the fiasco at PTC Conference and the inevitable victory of the Assorted TROTS and REDS when the rule-book comes up this week. Some gloomily predict a small swing against the Moderati machine at national and local level -- particularly in MET POLICE, where a Moderati split could open the door to the TROT cohorts. It also appears that a minor fire at ZETTERS may have damaged some of the ballot papers, so delays or re-runs may be called, or so THEY say. LIZ EDGE is taking no chances. This is her last year and she passed on her biography to CHRIS HASWELL to pass on to MACREADIE ready for the General Secretary’s tribute should he beat RAMSBLADDER.

Still, life must go on. We’ve all been pleased to see DENNIS WHITE MBE in Bournemouth to collect his Gold Badge for a life-time of survive to the MODERATI. While the old boy lords it at the SWALLOW HIGHCLIFFE Moderati HQ (£125 a night for a single bed - £2.50 minimum for any drink at the bar) his wife and two kids have been left behind to slum it in a caravan in POOLE. Never mind. Both his kids support MILITANT LABOUR and the wife supports TONY BENN. DENNIS, of course, is a life-long CONSERVATIVE. Life at the Whitehouse is one long laugh.

Talking of has-beens -- does anyone remember STUART MacCLENNAN or even Mc. The drunken bum and former stalwart of the TROT IMG Group became a turn-coat together with DUGGAN in 1984. THUGGAN got his reward from BARRY and STUART went to seek his fortune in the LABOUR PARTY. His dismal judgement, coloured by the vast consumption of strong spirit, and hopeless aftempt to unseat MENDICANT Councillor SHERIDAN, rapidly ended the mirage of the BLAIR gravy train and STUART can now be found in the serried ranks of SCOTTISH NATIONAL PARTY, eagerly eyeing the juicy seats in the devolved parliament.
First port of call will doubtless be STEVE RICHARDSON (BA North). But STEVE is already out of pocket. Desperate for northern fags -- he only smokes REGALS -- he bought 200 for £14 from some spiv at a motorway service-station. Thinking he’s got a good deal he tore open the first packet only to find it stuffed with paper as were all the other nine.

And we can all expect the return of STEVE FIELD, now ex-Bournemouth BA drunk. Yes, local lad Steve left the service in style last year. At Brighton, last year, Steve turned up on the Monday, forgetting that main. Conference now starts on Tuesdays. He got pissed and went home and then proceeded to drink himself silly for the rest of the week. The following week his HEO asked him whether he had spent the past week on union business. Bournemouth’s finest son wittily replied "NO, I’m doing nothing. I’m resigning!". He’s spent the past year bumming around Jamaica but he’s back in town on JSA and will be cadging drinks from anyone who remembers what he looks like.

Their other mate NORMAN BREEZE will thankfully not be here. He’s retired at 48 on his civil service pension plus IVB after donating his liver in the service of CPSA for the past 20 years. And it’s so long STEVE THOROGOOD, well-known Trot and now late of Customs and Excise Southend and one-time Treasurer of Southend Trades Council. He ran off with their money and some of CPSA’s. FALCONCREST has had to fork out several grand to keep the Trades Council quiet.

TREFOR HEYWOOD, the Welsh gay biker and PFLCPSA supporter has also found a new career and a new partner, whom he met on the Internet. He’s also become a MORMON and the two of them are now trying to work for the European Commission in Salt Lake City.

The Moderati NEC Black Section missed the top meeting at the HIGHPRICE HOTEL. They all came in one car. PAULINE WILLIAMS was the driver, MEYRICK HART was the navigator and SIMON ADENUGA sat in the back as the only thing he navigates is the shortest line between two women. WILLIAMS wanted to take one turning off the motorway but HART said go straight on. This was a mistake and they wasted two hours before getting back on the road to Bournemouth.

JOHN COLE is a welcome new delegate from BA NCO. His main hobby is sleeping on buses. Some while ago, after being worse for wear following an office do in the "Toon", John boarded a bus home. Fearing that in his inebriated state he might fall asleep on route, he asked the driver to wake him up at his stop. The driver forgot until they reached the terminus some 11 miles out of his way. He then boarded a return bus and repeated his instructions for a wake up call at his stop. Again the driver forgot and JOHN slept on until he arrived back in central Newcastle. COLE eventually got home 3 hours late. Thats his story, and he’s sticking to it.

Hats off to JON RUBIDGE, ES Central London activist and absent-minded member of an obscure TROT sect called SOCIALIST APPEAL. Last year he turned up at Conference without bothering to call an AGM. He’s since forgotten to reply to any of the letters from FALCONCREST concerning this matter and doubtless has forgotten to seek election or a mandate for his attendance this year. BARRY has taken a personal interest in this case but the GREAT SCOT is going to be too busy dealing with the GROUNDSWELL rabble this week to attend to it.

***********************************************************************************

THE YEAR AHEAD
for Barry Reamsbottom. Born April 4 1949. Sun in Aries
by Zarathustra

Currently in a period of astrological crisis - Saturn is in conjunction with your Sun and has been for the past few weeks. Its baleful glare will continue the rest of this year, with Mars making progress particularly difficult during the Month of July as it transits your Solar 7th house in opposition to your Sun. The next 9 months will be a time of great stress. Your unwillingness to compromise may prove to be your downfall. Not everything you want is attainable. The final blows in the battle may be struck in the early part of 1998 when retrograde Saturn conjoins your Sun once more. The Middle Path is the right way for you.

********************************************************************************

GRAMMAR AND SYNTAX CORNER
by Sesquipedalia

Today’s word - F U C K: the most versatile word in the English language. By its stress and inflection it can describe many emotions; no other word can be used with so many grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun (I don’t give a fuck); as an adjective (It’s a fucking beauty); as a verb in its transitive form (he well and truly fucked it up); in the past tense (I was fucked); in the present tense (I am tired with capital F); and in the future tense (I’ll be fucked). These everyday expressions show its true versatility:-

Denial I know fuck all about it.
Perplexity I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Apathy I don't give a fuck.
Greetings How the fuck are you?
Resignation Oh, fuck it!
Derision Silly fucker!
Suspicion Who the fuck are you?
Panic Let's get the fuck out of here!
Directions Fuck off!
Disbelief How the fuck did you do that?

So don’t be ashamed to use this humble Anglo- Saxon miracle of meaning. The word has been used by most of those who mailer throughout history, some of the better known examples being:-

What the fuck was that? Mayor of Hiroshima
Where'd all them fucking injuns come from? General Custer
That's not a real fucking gu... John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck! Donald Campbell
Whaddya fucking mean I'm forever blowing Bubbles? Michael Jackson
It fucking does look like her. Picasso
You want what on the fucking ceiling? Michaelangelo
I thought I could smell fucking petrol. Nikki Lauda

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DISKETTE BOMBS (II)
by Unabomber

Initially more expensive than yesterday’s extract from the "Get your office anorak" training manual, this method has the advantage of being not only re-usable but should cause no damage to life or limb. This method works for both 3.5" and 5.25" diskette drives.

1. Visit your local DIY store and purchase the relevant sized coarse sanding disc.
2. Return to the workstation of the offending technological geek and
a) Switch on the PC
b) Insert sanding disc.
c) From the DOS Prompt, type ‘A:’ When it says ‘Not Ready Reading Drive A. Abort Retry or Fail’, type ‘R’ for Retry half a dozen times.
d) Remove remainder of sanding disc and hoover up the bits.
3. Repeat steps 2 (a-d) on any other PC of your choice.
NB: Any attempt to back up using floppy disks will fuck them up too!!! hahahahahahahahaha...

**********************************************************************

The Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

For many years now, ours has been recognised as the only honest voice at Conference and our daily guidance has proved invaluable to delegates of the Left and Right in finally tilting their finely balanced judgements towards the path of Holy Truth and Justice. The Leadership of the Union themselves often look to our word to see which way the Conference wind is blowing. If the non partisan, non sectarian, non vegetarian Islamic Left say ‘It is Thus’ then all know deep in their hearts, regardless of the result of any mortal voting, that the Day of Judgement will see the shining Truth declared, and, more often than not, it shall be seen that our firm guidance was clearly pointing the right way forward. Those who oppose us Perish. Those who ignore us Wither on the vine. Those who grant us their unquestioning support reap the rich rewards of Loyalty and Devotion. Measure the fortunes, for example, over the rest of this week, of the contenders for the General Secretaryship of this Union - and then ask yourself, which of them has most clearly and publicly followed our progressive strategems in recent years. Exactly!

Now, it is, of course, still the case that delegates must always carry out the mandate given to you by your branch. It is, obviously however, also the case, that some of your branches got it wrong. Its no big deal. Anyone could do it. And this is why we continue to fulfill our humble task during this trying time of bringing such errors to your attention. As ever, in really difficult cases, Imams will be on hand to issue personal instruction and counselling. For a small consideration. Meanwhile, welcome to Conference at Bournemouth 1997.

*************************************************************************************

Sick Joke of the Day

Why did the Pervert cross the Road?
Cos he couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken

BLATANT ADVERTISING SPOT
Joe Le Taxi’s very own
TARGET TAXIS - TAXIS - ANYWHERE - ANYTIME
Phone (number will be published on full payment)

***********************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS

Probationery Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence. Daily debriefing in The Smugglers Bar (If you don’t know where it is we don’t want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes. T-Shirts will be available from Senior Officers. As usual costs have risen and Islam’s macrobiotic diet failed abysmally, so he’s now on even more expensive drugs. And we now have a Rat and Hamster to support. Your donations are even more desperately needed than usual to ensure daily production. Please give freely and often.
Don’t be shy to be seen handing over large denominational bills in a variety of currencies.

Further Information on our Web Page. http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/pflcpsa and our
email address is 100407.750 @ compuserve.com

From Palestine to Falconcrest, from Kinshasa to Tibet
One Struggle, One Fight, Revolution until Victory

And the four and twenty elders and the four beasts fell down and worshipped God that sat on the throne, saying, Amen; Alleluia.
Revelations, XIX, 4 . Orthodox Shell

TUESDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Monday morning's storm, and the tragic news of Eric Cantona's retirement did nothing to dampen the spirits of the Moderati, who are getting ready for their victory bash tonight. Their cheery faces, flushed with alcohol, unlike those of the TROTS, could be seen at all the better hotels in Bournemouth.

BARRY has decided to show his usual magnanimity in victory and was even considering suspending his theoretical journal Trounce the Trots for the duration of Conference as a good-will gesture to his vanquished foes. But in the corridors of power of the HIGHPRICE Hotel RAMSBLADDER and his cronies (BOYLE and McCANN) have been plotting their next move to the Assorted Trots' sabotage of the merger rule-book, scheduled for Wednesday. His usual tactic, to simply ignore Conference decisions, is certain to provoke an appeal to the Courts on this occasion and so far the problem seems insoluble.

Incidentally you may wonder how it is that the leadership can afford to drink themselves silly every night at the HIGHPRICE especially as none of them have any idea of the price of the drinks as they all charge it to their room numbers. According to the Manager all their bills are settled by one KEITH MILLS. He then deducts their daily subsistence and collects the difference, which is normally greater, over the rest of the year, offset against any further modest expenses which they incur when carrying out their duties.

But the problem of the merger remains. The obvious solution is to strike a deal with the ME FIRST regime in PTC, making a couple of cosmetic changes such as accepting annual conferences and scrapping Principle Rule 1, and then put the revised package to referenda in both unions. But on the floor Moderati bagmen are sticking to the all or nothing line.

For the rest of us life staggers on...RICHARDSON'S delegate SHEILA JOHNSON (BA NE Area) went to the bogs in one of the hotels. The Old Dear took the wrong turning and shut herself out on the fire escape. Alcopops are implicated. This was at lunchtime.

Though the battle for the General Secretary post has revolved around BARRY and McVICCAR, there is intense interest in the vote for the loony from Treasury Solicitors who is running on a TOOTING and MITCHAM FC ticket. Nobody has seen him this week and nobody knows what he looks like. All that is known about TIM MEGONE is that he has a “problem”. Last year he went down the well during an office bash at lunchtime and returned to his office at 3.30 clutching a pint of LAGER. He then collapsed at the feet of the Chief Executive. He was disciplined but kept his job and he does hate TROTS.

And our old friend ALBERT ASTBURY has returned to brighten up our lives even though he retired last year with a juicy pay-off. This year he's the “official” LCD Section photographer, a position which, as it doesn't exist; is particularly suitable for a man who doesn't know his aperture from his ASA. Congratulations, btw, to PETER HARRIS and MICK BOOTH, who retained their LCD sinecures in the face of a vicious hate campaign led by Section Chair ROB JAMIESON. Their votes increased.

JOHN STANLEY, a protégé of Sir ROY d'LEWIS is similarly known for his athletic prowess. He demonstrated this most recently at the BA Section Conference when he leapt on to the rostrum, smashing the GUILLOTINE lamp in the process. This is the light used for main Conference so this has not gone down well with the Stewards -- not to mention SIR ROY.

Conference will never be the same without CHRIS MORON. Fortunately. He spent the entire afternoon at BA Section Conference opposing every motion on the grounds that they were “silly”. Needless to say they were all carried.

Hopes have been dashed that we would be spared the august presence of CHRIS FORD, the well-known TROT and now a pillar of SCARGILL'S Socialist Labour Party. Eager to join his COMRADES in the SLP CHRIS applied for a job on LONDON UNDERGROUND. Sadly he failed the maths test and so we will have to put up with his nonsense for another year.

Now I've an apology to make to DENNIS WHITE MBE. He is no longer a Conservative. He joined NEW LABOUR two years ago. Just in time for it to become Conservative instead. And congratulations WYNN PARRY you've got your snout in the trough at last. Your temporary promotion to EO at Falconcrest is just the beginning of a glorious future. You read it here first folks.

***********************************************************************************

The Secret Diary of Keith WHO? aged 543/4

Thursday My friend Barry's secretary telephoned me (he's far too busy a man these days, he seldom has time to speak to me) to tell me to pack my toothbrush, the Sums Book and the Big Cheque Book and to go to a place called Bournemouth where Barry has decided to hold our AGM, which on checking my atlas is next to a place called Christchurch which I believe is in New Zealand. I will have to check the Sums Book to make sure we can afford the ferry crossing. Barry will be pleased that I thought of this.

Friday I have discovered that I am to stay in a hotel in Dorset! The hotel is called the “Swallow-the-High Prices” and on arrival I was agreeably surprised to be greeted by Barry's amanuensis Mr Jazza Boyle who asked me if I had brought the Big Cheque Book. I confirmed that it was in my case. He summoned an assistant called McCann and told him to take my case to my room. Bournemouth must be very dusty as Mr Jazza's right eye was blinking very rapidly.

At 5 O'clock my friend Mr Duggan knocked on my door and told me that Barry had called an immediate board meeting and that I was to bring the Sums Book and the Big Cheque Book. On arrival at the meeting I found that the door was locked. I knocked and the door was opened by Barry's friend Mr Hanson who took the Sums Book and Big Cheque Book from me and informed me that my services would not be required on this occasion. I think they were trying to catch me out, but the Sums Book and the Big Cheque Book stubs were all up to date. Oh yes!

Saturday Mr Jazza knocked on my door to return the Sums Book and the Big Cheque Book and told me that Barry wanted me to sign one of the Big Cheques so that I would not have to trouble myself with unnecessary paperwork with the hotel manager. Barry can be so thoughtful toward his staff.

Sunday A leisurely day spent going to church followed by a round of golf. Upon my return to the hotel I heard raucous laughter coming from the bar. Investigation proved this to be my friends Mr Duggan, Mr Hickey and Mr Monty Paterson, and Barry's friends Mr Jazza, Mr McCann and Mr Hanson. Mr Jazza very kindly asked if I would like a drink. I asked for a small lemonade as I was thirsty from my golfing (I shot 164, but then it was an 18 hole course). Amongst the merriment Mr Jazza asked me my room number, which he must have forgotten as he visited my room only yesterday, so I helpfully reminded him.

He then proceeded to buy the entire bar a round of drinks who cheered him on enormously. I was astonished by his largesse until Mr McCann tapped his nose in a conspiratorial manner (I am becoming more accustomed to this gesture) and said “It's all down to the `X's!” I was not inconsiderably puzzled by this as I knew that Mr Jazza was not standing in an election this year, and then it dawned on me. Mr Jazza must have won the football pools.

***********************************************************************************

Company Report
CPSA plc -- Towards the New Millennium

CPSA plc held its Annual General Meeting in Bournemouth this week amid mounting speculation that the planned take-over of PTC Ltd would be delayed by last minute objections from a lively minority of shareholders headed by Mr John Macreadie.

Chief Executive, Barry Reamsbottom dismissed these reports as “mere speculation” in his opening review of the achievements of the Board he has led for the past five years. The Moderati brand remained strong in the high street and the flagship Falconcrest store achieved record turnover in the last financial year. It was a quality product which had stood the test of time and he had no hesitation in calling for a massive vote of confidence for his current team.

Here he was interrupted by Mr John Macreadie, who shouted “You are a cheat”. Mr Reamsbottom responded by describing Mr Macreadie as “an utter fool” before he was ejected from of the hall by the stewards.

Mr Reamsbottom continued by pointing out that the Company had made healthy profits for the fifth consecutive year -- a record in the history of CPSA plc.

Some hard decisions had been needed. The Democratic Left franchise was wound up earlier in the year because of poor performance. It had failed to deliver on the promise of the previous year. But the Chief Executive stressed that this was no reflection on the dedicated work of their managers, and three of them have accepted seats on the new Board. The continuous decline in the circulation of Red Tape was a major problem. Mrs. Amanda Campbell resigned from the Editorship last December following a vote of no confidence from the Board. Her replacement, Mrs. Val (Skippy) Stansfield, transferred from Education, had already breathed new life into the house magazine whose future had been in doubt. Employees also shared in the Company's success with record wages paid out last year and low staff turnover reflecting the security of working for one of the leaders in the industrial services sector.

Company Secretary Sir Keith Mills FCA said that CPSA plc had proved that it could maintain and operate within tight financial controls. In doing so, the Company had contributed to the stability of the global economy. The challenge of European integration and the single currency would met by a fit, lean, competitive market leader which would meet the demands of the 21st century head-on.

He urged individual shareholders to ignore the ill judged and misleading claims of Mr Macreadie and his faction whose views were not representative. They could rely on the corporate wisdom and experience of majority shareholders represented by the Board and the Company President, Mrs. Marion Chambers.

The modest proposal to substitute the annual ACM with a consultative exercise every decade together with the appointment of all Board members for life would produce substantial savings and streamline the consultative process.

Deputy Managing Director Martin Boyle pressed these arguments forcibly when challenged from the floor by Mr Daniel Williamson, a member of Mr Macreadie's camp. They continued their discussion outside the meeting and remained unable to reach a consensus.

Finally Sir Roy de Lewis announced his imminent retirement after a lifetime of service to the Roy Lewis Partnership, the Democratic Left and CPSA plc.

***********************************************************************

ISLAMIC LEFT - PRAYERS NOT POLITICS

Once again, we welcome pilgrims to this annual festival of democracy. For our aims and introduction, please see Monday's issue on sale in the foyer.

Motions 1-17 Support
Its time to reverse the tide of history.
Motion 62 - Oppose
Trade Unionism beholden to management for time and facilities primarily intended to oppose the employer are no more likely to achieve victory in the class struggle than a well fed dog is likely to bite its master.
Motion 81 - Support
Excellent motion. Gets right to the heart of the matter. Pity they had to mention sex.
Motion 96- Sup-p-p-p-por-p-port
Motion 98 - Oppose
Every year the same old tripe. Traditional family values are incompatible with the aims of this motion.

****************************************************************************

£££££ PFL SMALL ADS £££££

FOR SALE
FULL BOUND SET of back copies of PFLCPSA conference communiqués, since 1978. only £2,500 ono. Offers to Box 77

MISC.
WANTED
LOOKING FOR DOMINATION? Can we Merge with you? We are a leading Civil Service Trade Union. Full pedigree, Political analysis and Constitution available on request. Apply in writing to: NEC, Box 510 Strictest Democratic criteria guaranteed under Principle Rule 1. And we mean Strict!

£30 A DAY urgently required to meet alcopop bill during conference week. Box 495 - no time-wasters.

FEMALE DELEGATE, 25 horribly ugly, dreadful personality, halitosis and other unmentionable hygiene problems. Box 546

where were you on the 19th. Box 7117

SERVICES
OFFERED
T-SHIRT SPEECH WRITING SERVICE.
Let us tattoo your speeches onto 60 T-shirts to be worn by the first 3 rows of delegates. Each one is personally trained by our experienced staff to stand up at the appropriate moment so you can read your speech without that distasteful looking down at your notes! Furthermore you'll be able to benefit from the FREE Mexican Wave included in this tremendous offer. One day all speeches will be made this way. (For technical reasons this offer is limited to one client per day - first come, first served.) 01202 438077

WORRIED HOW TO HANG ON TO IMMENSE WEALTH?
Help is at hand. Send just any 3 signed blank cheques to PFL Financial Services and we will take care of everything for you. Foreign currency no problem. Phone 01202 438077 Now and end your nightmares today.

PUBLIC HUMILIATION SUFFERED discreetly for cash.
No fuss. 0171-272 8654 N&C Hamilton

PFL INVESTIGATIONS.
Discreet thorough personal and commercial enquiries. Specialists in expense fraud exposure. Satisfaction Guaranteed. 438077

24-HOUR OLFACTORY RESPONSE UNIT when and where you need it. That Air Conditioning really dries you up doesn't it! And busy delegates haven't always got the time to empty their own nostrils. We still remove bogies of all sizes and colours in complete discretion and stick it under the furniture of your choice (or neatly roll it for immediate consumption). For emergency Olfactory attention, simply consult any one of our field engineers who you can see at all times during conference wearing the Steward badges and positioning themselves at strategic points throughout the hall. You need never be more than a few paces from completely satisfying nasal irrigation. Now in our 3rd Great Year of Business. Remember -Now You may think its Funny when you're dancing with your Honey and your nose goes all Runny - But its snot! The Nasal Mining Co. Ltd 01 179 321143

Advertising in this space can be the difference between success and mediocrity.

******************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS
Daily debriefings will take place in the Smugglers Bar in the BIC and the Business Centre will be open all day in the downstairs coffee bar. We have new, superior quality, limited edition colour T-Shirts (poa) . Demand is expected to be high. As usual costs have risen and your donations are desperately needed. Please give freely and often. We prefer cash but we do take cheques if guaranteed with a bankers' card.

Further information on our Web Page: http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/pflcpsa
e-mail: 100407.750 @ compuserve.com
From Palestine to Falconcrest, Lourdes to the Falls Road

One Struggle, One Fight -- Revolution Until Victory!

For truly my words shall not be false: he that is perfect in knowledge is with thee
Job 36.4. New Labour

WEDNESDAY

ROUND and ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

Celebrations carried on until the early hours as the Moderati celebrated yet another sweeping victory over the TROTS and the high-spot of the evening was the Hunt Ball at the DORCHESTER SUITE at the HIGHPRICE Hotel. While they drank themselves silly in the annexe, McCANN, who had been dumped on the beach by his "friends" BOYLE and PATERSON, was raving drunk demanding to be let in the main entrance even though the entire hotel had been evacuated while the FIRE BRIGADE put out a small fire in one of the rooms.

But the show went on. BARRY was letting his hair down celebrating another five years and PFL officer APOLLO won the raffle -- a magnificent collection (4) of Pepsi-Cola coasters.

Yet all is not well in the Moderati camp. BARRY’S vote was too close for comfort and RAMSBLADDER knows that if he had faced a half-credible candidate he would have had a real fight on his hands. He’s also furious at the fact that KEITH MILLS topped the poll with 13,816 votes. The fact that a man who has never been a member of CPSA, nor indeed any trade union until 1992, won more votes than the GREAT SCOT himself (or indeed any other candidate) has not gone unnoticed. It hasn’t dawned on him, or Messrs BOYLE & McCANN, that the extras in fact came from the TROT camp -- a tribute to KEITH’S sterling work which convinced 88 of them (those with mortgages) to sacrifice one of their votes for the books to be straight at last.

Amusingly though, for one brief moment in time, MACREADIE was buoyed up by a silly article, suggesting that he had won the election, by some ill informed harpie at the Times. Not only was she wrong but she managed to drivel on for two columns about the general secretary race without mentioning RAMSBLADDER once.

TIM MEGONE, the third general secretary candidate, refused to show his face at the bash but his reputation followed. As you know TIM has a "problem". Lovely fella. He works in New Scotland Yard. He got pissed one night -- spent all his money and couldn’t find his Travelcard. Resigned to spending the night in St James’ Park, after an hour or so of being attacked by Canada Geese and assorted Ducks, he got fed up and decided to spend the rest of the night outside New Scotland Yard. For some reason THE POLICE took umbrage at this. He was escorted back into his department where he eventually found his Travelcard and caught the night bus. When he got home, he discovered that he had no keys and remembered he couldn’t get in as his wife was working down here in Bournemouth for a couple of days. So he spent what was left of the night outside the local Bingo Hall. The next day TIM had to go to a football match. (TOOTING & MITCHAM were drawn against ASHFORD in the FA Cup.) Naturally that required further irrigation, so rather than sort out his accomodation, he spent another night outside the Bingo Hall. Only on the 3rd day then did he bother to come down to Bournemouth to get the keys. Rare and magnificent dedication to the cause. Pisshead.

******************************************************************************

The Secret Diary of Keith WHO? aged 55 just

Monday
I am determined to present a determined approach in my speech to the shareholders tomorrow. My determination will be demonstrated in my speech at the AGM by the determined way in which I have looked after the Sums Book and the Big Cheque Book in the last year. I am also determined to impress the big blonde lady who only talks to me once a year (I must ask my friend Barry what her name is), so that she does not feel obliged to reduce my remuneration again this year. I am determined. Oh yes!

Tuesday
My speech to an unusally hushed AGM was greeted with a standing ovation which did not inconsiderably embarrass me (even the big blonde lady was clapping, although not standing). Having made my report I retired to my room for a well earned glass of lemonade. Shortly after, I heard a timid knock on my door. On opening it Messrs Jazza, McCann, Hanson, Duggan, Hickey, Allen, Donny and Tim (unusually for me I did not catch their surnames, I think they must be foreign, but their faces seemed familiar) entered and stood to each side of the door. My friend Barry followed looking somewhat perturbed and unusually for him spoke so quietly that all I could make out was " top of the pole Marian wants to see you ". Oh no, I thought, I forgot to raise the flag to celebrate the big blonde lady’s birthday (I have now remembered her name) now I am in trouble.

**********************************************************************

Smirk Filled Rooms
by Barabbas

JOHN HICKEY had to stand in for CHRIS KIRK, recuperating from an operation, Monday night for a corporate dinner. What he didn’t know at first was who the guests were. They were, in fact, leading TROTS STELLA DENNIS, MARTIN MOSS, Mr and Mrs CAWKWELL. Not to mention PTC REDS MIKE KING and ANGELA PALMER. HICCUP tanked himself up in a local Irish pub run by one of his many cousins to give him the Dutch courage he always needs in moments of crisis. Then he went to the high-class SORRENTO restaurant to get it over with. To his horror, who should be sitting at the next table but MARION and HICKEY’S master, RAMSBLADDER himself. They had no idea why JOHN was there and suspected the usual treachery. HICKEY was too drunk and embarrassed to explain. The evening passed away in semi-silence and small talk under the baleful glares of the top two. BOYLE is joking about Hickey’s "Last Supper" and John fears his career is in ruins.

NEIL FERGUS (by the way WYNN - learn to play golf) and MONTY PATERSON are sharing a flat in POOLE in order to optimise their beer money. But they only had one set of keys. This proved to be a problem last night. They went drinking in the HIGHPRICE but became separated and FERGUS panicked. MONTY could not be found in bar, bog or under any relevant tables. It was about midnight and FERGUS was afraid he would miss the last bus. He went to reception and asked them to page MONTY on the tannoy. No response. FERGUS, in his innocence then asked the night-man if the tannoy could be heard in every room. "No sir, it is not this House’s policy to awaken our guests at one o’clock in the morning". He then demanded the room numbers of Monty's cronies. He woke McCANN, BOYLE and the rest of the usual suspects to no avail. Then despite advice he even rang the GREAT SCOT. The General Secretary for Life had long gone to bed and was none too happy at been woken up to be asked where his computer manager was. NEIL is now going about with a very long face.

STEVE RICHARDSON (winner of yesterday’s competition, btw. Yes we did indeed print Page 2 twice at no extra charge) was at the sauce again last night. He stumbled into the Moon in the Square which does two meals for a fiver and also serves drinks. STEVE was duly served two meals, which he then ate. He lost his shirt but, as usual, can’t remember how and on his way home he was chased by an aggressive beggar (who could have been mistaken for STEVE FIELD in bright sunlight) who extracted a pound from him before he’d go away. And CHAS CLEWES lost the entire Newcastle Central Office card vote in the BIC bogs. That’s only important because NCO has a fifth of the unions membership.

Last night TIM THORPE and DONNY McINTYRE decided to celebrate their election to the NEC by going to the BALTI KING for an evening meal. And to their suprise our old TROT chums DAVE OWEN, ANNA OWENS, TONY BREEN, MARTIN HUMPHRIES, SHEILA PEVERLY and MALCOLM HUTCHINSON were at the next table, holding the SWP victory ball. DONNY went up to them and said "No hard feelings, can I buy you all a drink?" ANNA sneeringly replied "Yes, we’ll have 16 pints of lager". Unfazed, DONNY went up to the bar and bought the drinks. This enraged the ungrateful TROUBLE-MAKERS who then began to mutter abuse directed at the two stalwarts of the DEMOCRATIC LEFT. THORPE nobly got up and said that if there was any misunderstanding he would gladly meet any of them outside to discuss the matter further. After five minutes he returned to get his jacket because it was getting chilly outside.

ANNA OWENS, by the way, made CPSA history yesterday. She’s got a whole section of motions to Conference about herself. Look it up under "disciplinary action".

Oh, and Joe Cox has paid up. The missing numbers are 01670 7122 and 0191 261 1126

******************************************************************************************

The Parable of the Good Trot

Two new delegates from Scotland were separated from the rest of the pack during a drinking spree last night. Lost, confused and skint they wandered high and lo until they eventually slumped forlornly down in the street. Moderati delegates stepped over them in their haste to get back to their hotels. Full-time officers crossed the road to avoid them on the way back to the HIGHPRICE. Senior PFLCPSA officers robbed them. Then along came the Good (and anonymous) Trotskyite. He took them to the evening TROT bash at the PAVILION and paid a tenner to get them in. LEE HURST didn’t turn up. The two Scots got their money back and spent it on more booze and the Good Trot never saw them again.

*****************************************************************************

THE YEAR AHEAD
For John MacCreadie - born 19 Sept 1946-Sun in Virgo
by Zarathustra

Jupiter and Uranus making station in opposition to your Saturn/Pluto conjunction bring big surprises and the break up of long standing structures. In October, a touchy association from the past makes its reappearance in the present. Mars and Neptune square your Mars/Jupiter conjunction, later in the year, may make you feel vulnerable and weaken your overall ability to stand up to adversity. Your health may also suffer at this time. The Big Question is: Are you going to become the vehicle for change? Or be run over by it?

**************************************************************************

The Islamic Left ~ Prayers not Politics

Motion 791&3 - Oppose
Subscriptions should be entirely voluntary. Believers should donate whatever they can afford.

Motion 801 - Listen and decide
Perhaps it’ll give us a clue to what the fuck they’re talking about.

Motion 808 - Oppose
The Godless Heathen don’t deserve a penny.

Motions 811,216,241 - Oppose
Traditional family values are incompatible with the aims of these motions.

Motion 821/2 - Coffee
Who gives a shit?

Motion 823 - Listen and Decide
Er... why?

Motion 824/5 - Support
Indeed your elders and betters should be respected for their wisdom and experience. Younger brethren should be seen and not heard.

Motion 827 - Oppose
Our long standing demands remain as valid today as ever. The Status of Conference should not be tinkered with. Abolish it Now and replace with Popular Will of the Masses.

Motion 924 - Oppose
This is carrying one member one vote one step too far.

Motion 205 - Support
A crucial first step towards popular will of the masses. The CPSA Forum will eventually supplant the sham democracy of these annual jamborees.

Motion 212 - Support
Its high time Ralph Groves was given a proper job.

Motion 219 - Support
Classic example of the need for popular will of the masses!

Motion 243 - Support
CPSA is ready to take its place alongside the other London Hazards.

Motion 271 - Oppose
Don’t waste time on this issue. The motion will be defeated, as usual.

Motion 275 - Support
Don’t waste time on this motion either. The Motion will be carried but then ignored, as usual.

********************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS
Daily debrieflngs will take place in the Smugglers Bar in the BIC and the Business Cente will be open all day in the downstairs coffee bar. We have new, superior quality, limited edition colour T-Shirts. These unique souvenirs of your Bournemouth experience cost only £15. We sold out yesterday so first come, first served. Costs have risen and we need your donations now.

Please give freely and often. We prefer cash but we do take cheques if guaranteed with a bankers’ card.
Visit our Web Site: http://ourworld.compuserve.homepage/pflcpsa
e-mail: 100407.750 @ compuserve.com

These are unclean to you among all that creep: whosoever dotb touch them, wits they be dead, shall be oaths auth the even.
Leviticus Xl 31-New Moderate

THURSDAY

ROUND AND ABOUT
by Judas Iscariot

THE last night of Conference -- and the last day of the Bournemouth Festival -- has arrived. The TROTS spent the night plotting their next move unaware that the MODERATI were cracking open the champagne to celebrate their latest triumph, cleverly manipulating the REDS into pointlessly prolonging Thursday afternoon’s "debate" which allowed MARION to postpone the vote thus ensuring (in conjunction with the inevitable Points of Order which she will allow till the cows come home) that all of today’s rule amendment motions will be guillotined. Nice one ADAMS! Full marks for strategy!

And though "Aims and Values" has been knocked out this will not prevent the leadership from going ahead with the unity talks based on the general principles accepted in the referendum and along the lines of the draconian new rule book which both the MODERATI and ME FIRST want. After all, they won’t have any conference policy to guide them.

While the rest of us were burning the house down at the HIGHPRICE on Tuesday a gloomy band of TROTS gathered in the seedier part of town to hear JOHN MACREADIE, some non-entity NIGERIAN, and some-one called PETER TAAFE. Our deep cover agent joined the 60 odd MENDICANTS at the SOCIALIST PARTY rally held in a basement at the ROYAL EXETER HOTEL. They had to sit through the usual boring speeches but the high-spot of the evening was the collection, which raised £1,140. Most of it was in IOU’s. And, as ten people left to avoid giving MENDICANT anything, it appears that this year’s Conference tithe was a mere £20. Back in the good old days, in 1982, Militant delegates were kneecapped if they coughed up at less than £70 a head at their Conference rally. Times is ‘ard...

And LEFT UNITY pulled off another coup recently. They’re fielding two TROTS for the Merseyside TUC regional elections for the two positions against the MODERATI. The TROTS will obviously win but what they don’t know is that Merseyside TUC have a rule which states that one delegate must be female. LEFT UNITY is fielding two men. One will therefore have to stand down in favour of JAN SWINDLEHURST.

For the Sons of Caledonia the party never stops. Fatty BOYLE, who is still struggling to come to terms with his girth, was staggering around claiming he had joined an organisation called GUTSWELL. "Tell me the truth. You think I’m FAT, don’t you?" he asked JO SHILBACH who replied "No, no, you’re squidgy -- I’d never have the nerve to say you’re FAT to your face".

BOYLE, McCANN and PATTERSON and the rest of the Clan, plus Sir ROY, spend most of the day in the CPSA PRESS ROOM consuming vast quantities of alcohol from the hospitality bar. The only journalists allowed in are from The Mail on Sunday, The New Worker and The Morning Star, as the TROT rags have all been barred by SKIPPY, so there’s plenty to spare.

**************************************************************************************

SMIRK FILLED ROOMS
by Barabbas

Though the shade of LEON TROTSKY has hovered over town this week the BIG has been haunted by the ghosts of Conference Past. FRANK the WANK PEMBERTON was sighted gliding noiselessly through the BIC coffee bar. BROOKE, SHELDON, RILEY and KING and a few other PTC minions whose names escape me manifested themselves in the Observers Gallery and the HIGHPRICE. And then there’s Francis WOTSERNAME (David?) - that ex DTI Christian activist who retired in 1979 and hasn’t left yet. She appears spookily at Conference religiously every year. No one knows where she comes from, or where she goes between Conferences. The old git in the white suit isn’t a ghost at all. He’s a sales director from the COMMERCIAL UNION.

BARRY warmly greeted JOHN with "Your future is safe with me, SHELDON". "Short but safe" added BOYLE with a grin. SHELDON’S Bermuda tan blanched a shade or two.

On a more serious note, would the MOD delegate who has a card vote of ONE please contact us immediately as he has also made CPSA history.

Last January WYNN PARRY was the DEMOCRATIC LEFT candidate for junior veep and NEC and on ROUSE’S "Members Alliance" SEC list. Today he’s got a toe-rig job at FALCONCREST as part of the take-over deal with the MODERATI. The temporary HQ EO, however, has missed all the action here, as his first task was to man all the phones at FALCONCREST for Conference week. KEVIN O’HAGAN, the other one in BL’84, resigned from his SEC for "personal" reasons. Recruitment has risen steadily ever since.

Goldfish Award (for the delegate or observer with the shortest attention span) goes to Welsh Officer JEFF EVANS; now well out of pocket. Due to a miscalculation JEFF is staying at the LAGUNA HOTEL -- a long taxi ride from the centre of Bournemouth. He was punishing the LAGER at BARRY’S victory celebration at the HIGHPRICE. When it finally ended he hired a cab to the LAGUNA. When he got there he realised he had left his coat and bag at the HIGHPRICE. He told the cabbie to drive him back. He picked up his coat but forgot his bag. "Sod it," he thought, "I’ll pick up the bag in the morning". When he returned to the LAGUNA he realised his keys were in the bag. (Now the Laguna is only a ONE CROWN Hotel. There’s no night-porter.) So he had to tell the cabbie to do the round-trip again. Total cost £60.

****************************************************************************

The Islamic Left - Prayers not Politics

Last Day of Conference and the most vital issues are being decided today. The deadlock between Left and Right factions leave the Islamic Left exactly where we want to be - facing the dismantling of Union and Conference altogether and its replacement with Popular Will of the Masses. For years they have mocked, but we have remained loyal to our principles and now, at last, it begins to happen. Motions on HQ having an Internet Link are just the beginning. In 10 years or less most of the debate between activists will take place on the net in formal and informal forums. 10 years after that, most of the members will be party to that debate. They won’t need delegates, committees, NECs ... they won’t need You. Now there’s a frightening thought!

Guidance today, therefore is simple. Do whatever you can both to sink the ‘Aims and Values’ and to block the motions on how to renegotiate its replacement. You might find that the Catholic faction sew that up for you. Having lost ‘Aims’ the only strategy they can play is to prevent the passage of all the amending motions. Most obvious way to do that is to allow the Godless ones to raise points of order to their hearts content, stretch out the rights of reply and card votes on all three motions carried over from yesterday and let the entire section dealing with Principle Rule 1 et al be guillotined into obscurity. The question is, are the Unbelievers stupid enough to fall for it.

******************************************************************************

The Secret Diary of Keith WHO aged 55 (just)

Tuesday evening
Feeling deeply ashamed for my lapse of duty, I left post-haste for Mrs Marion's suite of rooms. She was waiting for me at the door. "Ah, do come in, WHO and take a seat, this should not take long." I felt like a junior again as I sat in trepidation eyeing the large brown envelope on her desk which must surely contain a resignation letter for me to sign. "I want you to have this," she said, pushing the envelope across to me. "please open it. You will need a pen to sign it." My humiliation was complete. I took the envelope with trembling hand and heart in mouth and opened it.

Imagine my surprise to find it contained a brand new five year contract and a special certificate specially signed by Mrs Marion (the big blonde lady whosa name I could not previously remember) transferring overall control of the Sums Book and the Big Cheque Book from my friend Mr Barry to me!

"B-b-but what about Mr Barry " I blustered. Mrs Marion smiled and said" I spoke to Barry earlier and I am sorry to say that I had to tell him that the shareholders at the AGM felt that his performance was lacklustre and quite frankly disappointing compared to your sparkling speech about not using the Big Cheque Book so much in the future. I have therefore decided that you are to have a promotion. I have therefore transferred total financial control to you forthwith. Sign please that will be all, WHO."

It was with mixed emotions that I signed the contract and picked up the specially signed special certificate and as Mrs Marion’s maid, Popplewell opened the door to let me out, I saw Mr Barry’s Friend Mr Jazza was on his knees in the corridor. He arose, ruddy of face (well, in my humble opinion, ruddier than usual) and said "...er, just passing, like, when ma shoelace came undone. Is that a specially signed special certificate you have there?" "It is." I replied. The colour drained from his face. "Do you know what this means?" he enquired. "No." I truthfully answered. "Good!" exclaimed Mr Jazza, the colour returning to his cheeks. "But Mrs Marion is sending the Big Big Instruction Book of Adding up Very Very Big Sums to my room tonight and I will stay up until 11 o’clock if necessary to learn it." Mr Jazza began to turn grey again as he told me he would have to go and see Mr Barry and he trudged off down the corridor in his carpet slippers.

Wednesday
I did have to stay up until very late last night learning from the BBIBAVVBS (as it says on the spine), with just an occasional glance at my specially signed special certificate (I will show it to them at the golf club - they might even let me join!). I now know what the "X’s" are and I was not inconsiderably annoyed to find that Mr Barry has been letting some fraudster called Reamsbottom sign cheques from the Big Cheque Book. I rang the hotel reception to enquire if they had such a fellow staying. They confirmed that this was indeed the case and connected me to to his room. When the phone was answered I said in my special stern voice "This is Keith WHO. Look here Reamsbottom, I want some answers and I want them now. Come to my room." and replaced the receiver.

A minute later there came a knock on my door. "Come." I said, again using my special stern voice, and in came my friend Mr Barry. "Oh," I said, "Mr Barry, it really wasn’t my fault, I didn’t ask for the job look, can we talk about this later as I’m expecting some chap from our HQ called Reamsbottom who has a lot of explaining to do. Oh yes."

Mr Barry drew himself up to his full height and said softly "That’s me - I’m Mr Barry. Mr Barry Reamsbottom."
Oh dear.

**************************************************************************

Fashion Report by the Pink Mafia

This year’s ‘in’ colour seems to be green: presumably something to do with the Irish craze - all those Scruffy Murphy’s pubs and the like. The favourite icon is the CAT (another gay symbol). And there is of course the usual spattering of ill-fitting, naff looking football shirts: they should be ashamed. In anticipation, PM spies have also been dispatched to PTC check on them in advance of the merger - we predict there will be a horrible clash. Enough of the small talk: what are the factions wearing today?

Left Unity Mainly they’ve gone for the simple black number. However, the new Left Unity badges have delighted PM by including a tasteful pink triangle.

Dim Left Unfortunately, we may have to call them the "Who’s left?", as there are insufficient numbers to judge. However PM were shocked to discover that the queen of bad taste, Julie Wedgewood, has left ES (shame!). Her mantle seems to have been passed to Viv Cooper, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory by spending two days wearing the outfit from hell.

Moderati Maid Marion - who steals votes from the poor and gives them to Keith Mills -has been suspected of wearing ‘Eau de Garlic’ in an attempt to ward off the-€etffl* (sorry) Barry when giving her a victory kiss. Delegates in the front row report her roots are well maintained, and don’t anticipate obvious signs of need for attention until after conference. Judging from the rest of them, the Moderati’s pre-conference outing to Millets was a success in their terms, and a disaster for all onlookers with any taste at all.

And Where is Chris Kirk when we need her? Grape-vine gossip has it that she’s in Leeds General Infirmary, showing up the nurses by looking glam in a surgical gown. Since the arrival of Harvey Nicks in Leeds, hubby Ray’s credit card accounts have been under massive strain. He appears delighted by her forced absence from the High Street. The break meant Ray even managed to scrape together enough cash for a good session at PTC conference. Meanwhile, no obvious candidates have appeared this week to steal Chris’s glittering crown as CPSA’s fashion icon.

****************************************************************************************

PFLCPSA NEWS

Difficult to come to terms with it being Bi Bi Conference time on the 3rd day of conference. Just building up steam and its time to go home again. Hardly worth bothering really. And if the Mods get their way, we can’t even say ‘See you next year’. And nobody’s certain where our next little gathering will take place, although a certain General Treasurer who shall be nameless has let us know that CPSA has already made a firm booking for BRIGHTON. Until then, don’t go home without your superior quality, limited edition colour TShirts. These unique souvenirs of your Bournemouth experience will one day be a collector’s item. We won’t be producing any more and we’ve got just 10 left - so first come, first served.

Costs remain prohibitive and we need your donations now. Please give whatever you can afford.. We prefer cash but we do take cheques if guaranteed with a bankers’ card. Negotiable Bonds, Krugerrands and Direct debits can now all be dealt with so don’t be shy about your method of payment.

Usual Thanks to the team, Islam, Bronk, Apollo and Picasso. Thanks for the Horoscopes go to Zarathustra; Provisional Agent Eldread for the Cartoons. Ian and Steve at Triangle Printing for getting up early enough to ensure you lot get the bulletins before lunch. Last but not least, thanks to You for your continued doglike devotion and support.

Visit our Web Site: http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/pflcpsa
e-mail: 100407.750 @ compuserve.com

And forthwith he came to Jesus, and said, Hail, Master: and kissed him.
- Matthew XXVI 49

We shall return and we shall be millions