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Round & About - By Judas Iscariot While the shade of Leon Trotsky hovered over Brighton again on Monday a real feeling of revolt was brewing in the Conference Centre over the outrageous blanket smoking ban, the permanent closure of all the bars and the total absence of any form of refreshments in the complex apart from the Coca Cola machine and a coffee dispenser that had to be manually operated by a Centre employee from a tiny kiosk that was open for 15 minutes in the afternoon. JANICE and MAREK have recently given up smoking so they’re all right. The rest of us had to make do with the usual ghetto outside on the pavement – though the Corporation has kindly provided smokers with a tiny ashtray in compensation. Still life goes on…

At the OLD SHIP Sunday evening whom should I spy but JASON HOGG checking in at Reception when another chap approached the desk only to be told that the room he coveted had just been allocated to HOGG. This particular individual immediately took umbrage complaining that HOGG had been given a far better room than the one the hapless receptionist had marked down for him. The hotel receptionist patiently explained that the block-booked rooms were simply allocated on a first-come/first-served basis whereupon this individual went into a tantrum claiming “I’m much more important than him. I’m higher up in the union than him. I demand that you change the booking”. The hotel declined to do so. Who was this Very Important Person? Why none other than champagne socialist full-timer GEOFF LEWTAS.


Later that evening three senior officers of the PFL, along with their minder and a famished old tramp they had taken pity on were stuffing themselves in the Plaza restaurant (the one next door to Buddies) when who should breeze in but LEWTAS and his charming wife GLENYS MORRIS. They sat down at an adjacent table but hurriedly departed out of the door within minutes when they realised who might be overhearing their conversation.

LEWTAS always gives the porter a tenner wherever he stays to ensure that the wrinked retainer will carry Mrs LEWTAS’ bags when required throughout the week.

STEVE CAWKWELL was up in Newcastle for a meeting and he met a lass from DURHAM DWP for a drink. Imagine CORKY’S excitement when she told him she would pick him up in her car, take him back to her place and “give him a surprise”. What that “surprise” consisted of was being met by her mother, her auntie and her two dogs. CORKY hates dogs.

STUART BROWN, IR Enfield had always wanted his name in the PFL but alas he is not here to enjoy it. He’s left the service to join the British Transport Police in London .

The appointment of DAVE WATSON to the post of MAREK’S MINDER was apparently not without controversy at Falconcrest. His supervisor was most unhappy at being passed by and she’s resigned in protest. Poor old LANNING. He loaded his car up the night before coming down to Brighton only to find that it had been broken into in the morning. An enterprising Chav got his clothes, papers and his PCS lap-top. He can happily fend off awkward questions this week with the excuse that “It was on my laptop”. Quite what GORDY THE GOPHER will make of yet another couple of grands worth of PCS lappy going missing remains to be seen.

ADAM KHALIF, London DWP, got his moment of fame Sunday night when he locked himself out of his bedroom and had to wait stark-bollock naked for 20 minutes in the corridor until rescue came. Why was he naked? Why had he left his room? The public have a right to know…

By the way, the Commercial Section is booked into the LONSDALE HOTEL which they will be pleased to know is owned by the Ramblers’ Friend and well-known Brighton philanthropist NICHOLAS van HOOGSTRATEN.

The absence of BIG FAT GEORDIE BASTARD JOE COX has now been cleared up, or so his friends say. He is a security manager with CSA and the real reason he’s not with us in Brighton is that this week is the first opportunity he’s had to spend time at the CSA’s HASTINGS office. He’s down there doing security checks.

While we’re on the subject, remember STEVE CARDOWNIE, the firebrand CPSA TROT who sold out in the 1980s? He’s now Deputy Provost (vice-mayor) of Edinburgh who’s been on the box mouthing off about Bob Geldof and the million-man march the clapped-out rock star has urged to march on the G8 summit in the Scottish capital.

Watch out folks! JONATHAN SHIPMAN, the predatory gay of MOD Wyton Branch is in Brighton for the week and he’s on the prowl for “fun”. Apart from attempting to expand his group of “sausage jockeys” JONATHAN is also determined to demonstrate his admiration for MARK SERWOTKA. He recently stated: “I have always admired Mark. I can see a little bit of myself in him”.

DWP Birmingham’s YVONNE WASHBURN recently attempted to visit the Israeli occupied West Bank in order to assist Palestinian womens’ groups. The visit was partially sponsored by PCS. Unfortunately WASH did not get further than Tel Aviv airport. Apparently the Israelis considered her to be “undesirable” and instantly deported her back to the UK . What could possibly be “undesirable” about WASH ? Answers to the usual address…

A furious COLONEL HARDING was recalled to the MOD Group Conference on Monday by fellow delegate STEVE SHIPMAN, as it appeared that a motion he was supposed to be seconding in the afternoon had been brought forward to the morning session. HARDING, who was on temporary detached duty at PFL Field HQ (Wetherspoons) duly complied only to find that Good Doctor SHIPMAN has once again got it wrong. Needless to say, THE COLONEL was not best pleased and retorted to THE GOOD DOCTOR “You daft twat – don’t you know better than to disturb me unnecessarily while I’m getting pissed?”

Leading Moderati and MOD gurning champion DI HOLT amazed delegates in the MOD Group hotel on Sunday night by declaring that she was not a Moderate even though she has stood for election on the right-wing slate for the past 62 years. When DOUGIE BROWNLIE (MOD West of Scotland ) told her she was talking bollocks Di wittily replied: “Yes, but it is definitely not Moderate bollocks”.

The legendary DOREEN PURVIS is also back in town, down to collect her GOLD BADGE and rumour has it that FRANK the PLANK PEMBERTON will also put in an appearance to personally collect his gong.

Gone but not forgotten…

At least by the wag who put this up on FRIENDS REUNITED in the name of one BARRY REAMSBOTTOM. Some think BUNTER put it up but it’s far too clever for him.

Now living in London - 25 years, in fact. I was general secretary of the UK 's biggest Civil Service Trade Union, The Public and Commercial Services Union . I would love to hear from anyone who remembers me, fondly or otherwise! Anyone out there, too, who remembers me from my brief, turbulent time(64-66) at Aberdeen Academy . The Goldie & Chamber s era! What larks, Pip, old chap! A literary reference, as befits ex-Academicals ! Are we anoraks, or what?
Retired as General Secretary of the PCS in August 2002 but am easing myself into retirement by working for the Speaker of the House of Commons, the Rt Hon Michael Martin MP, an old friend since we were Trade Union officials together in Scotland in the '70s, and a thoroughly decent fellow.
I gather that there was an old school reunion a few years ago, but no-one told me about it!! So, I did, when I first joined this site, suggest another one. Sadly, I only got ( sorry about the split infinitive) two takers.
If there is any interest, then do contact me.
Finally, some of you real Oldies, both at St Peter's and Aberdeen Academy , may remember my brighter and more handsome brother Stanley! He is now living in Japan , having lived in Vancouver , Canada for 30 odd years.
We must have Romany blood!!

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“I don’t know how these women find time to attend Conference. They obviously haven’t got enough housework to do”

Mike Veric - IR Belgrade

“Fuck me Jim, you’re an ugly bastard. You look like someone’s set fire to your face and tried to put it out with a shovel”

William Ross to Jim Mackay (DWP Jocks in Wetherspoons)

 “I love the smell of Conference in the morning”

Colonel Harding - MOD Donnington

 “In the absence of other victims the animals turn on themselves”

Colonel Islam - PFL  



Words derived from peoples’ names describing a product or form of behaviour.

eg (objects) Sandwich , Biro, Leotard; (behaviour) doing an Archer – (serving 5 years as a guest of the Crown) and so on. Our current interest was inspired by learning what a JOCKY WILSON is. For an explanation and visual description see any of the DWP delegates who watched CHRIS COOPER’s act at the DWP social last night.

More parochially these have already been suggested to us or overheard in conversation:

Being a bit of a LEWTAS – having a massively inflated view of ones own significance

Doing a GODRICH – optimizing the results of an internal election.

Just like a WILDE – a lazy good for nothing

Having a HARDING – accidentally setting fire to your workplace. Twice.

With the clarity of a RICHARDSON – Generating random guttural noises with the vocal tract, whose effect is almost exactly the opposite of spoken language.

As welcome as a LANNING. As popular as toothache.

A double HANSON – an impossible excess of alcohol.

As wise as a BAUGH – thick as a plank.

As loyal as a MCKENDRICK. Two faced bastard.


Further suggestions invited.


VLADIMIR MCTAVISH – same social - told us the story of his trip to Amsterdam ’s red light district and how the presentations in the decorated windows got more bizarre as he walked down the street. First window, single scantily clad female. Second window, two scantily clad women. Third window two women and a man dressed in rubber and tied up in full bondage gear. Fourth window, two women, two men, a Goat, a Labrador and two large cucumbers. Fifth window, a giant rotating dildo and a greasy sweating man dressed in an apron beating the dildo with a metal rod. Even a man of his experience couldn’t figure out how anyone got their jollies from the services on offer at this window. Took him 5 minutes to twig that it was a kebab shop. His excuse was that he had just left a coffee shop and he was so stoned that he actually bought a kebab. Even tried to shag it.





 Usual Brighton Protocols continue in force. You have a choice. Pay up and pay often OR we’ll spill your beans. Pay up and pay often AND we’ll spill your beans. Deep cover agents gather at the WEATHERSPOON. Probationary Martyr Status to the first delegate who mentions our forbidden name in the course of conference. Extra air miles for Points of Order.

Routine reports, eponyms, Eve’s Droppings and MONEY should be filed with any Imam during and after office hours. Our office is the table you picked this up from in the right hand Bar. Final debriefing in the OLD SHIT at 10 pm every evening. Did we mention Money? Active Field agents can use the private channels with the 4 th pad for breaking news up to 3am .

This years T Shirts have been lightly worn by less than two careful owners. Lovingly priced at £12 they are an object lesson in how to present value for MONEY without ripping off our adoring public. More importantly, they help to offset the cost of printing this drivel. So buy now, and beat the rush. If you are too conservative to be seen wearing our uniform as the badge of honour it deservedly is, you should, by way of penance, forward your large and entirely voluntary DONATIONS to our authorised collection agents.


In their streets they shall gird themselves with sackcloth: On the tops of their houses, and in their streets, every one shall howl, weeping abundantly.

Isaiah 15:3 - King James original.