gold eagle













Round & About
By Judas Iscariot

LUNITY’S shock defeat in Inland Revenue has boosted the flagging morale of the 4theMembers faction at Conference. LU lost six seats giving the Mad Monk and his “independent” allies an overall majority in the section. But PRIESTLEY himself fared badly coming a poor second place against Mr BEAN, the current LU president. IR insiders believe that voters punished LU for their support of BIFFA BRYANT (see PFL’s passim or ask any IR delegate) in the great punch-up saga while LES slumped because he’s been out of action on health grounds for nearly nine months. Interestingly enough the LU victims were mainly from the new blood recruited in recent years. As in Customs their inexperience in electioneering has been exposed in what was by all accounts a very tough campaign.

RAY ALDERSON, the veteran Commissar and Customs grandee for nearly 30 years announced Monday that he would retire in March 2006. Elections for the new joint president of the amalgamated group take place in six months time. Mr BEAN is firm favourite to win. If PRIESTLEY can’t beat him in his own IR manor he’s got no chance in the much larger section. Nor is any other 4theMembers hopeful likely to put much of a dent into BEAN’S constituency. PRIESTLEY may soon be following RAY’S footsteps.

4theMembers is holding a closed meeting at the KINGS HOTEL today to plan their course of action for the coming year. JAKE WILDE has prepared a “target agenda” to kick-start the campaign for the special summer group poll and the 2006 elections. Seen as the natural successor to the MAD MONK by some and a troublesome upstart by others, JAKE has his work cut out for him.

Yesterday’s LEWTAS story raised a laugh. JEAN O’CONNELL a Prospect full-timer down here for the crack who claims to be a good friend on GEOFF certainly thought so. “I never knew he could be such a wanker” was how she put it.

The postal ballot scandal has now reached our hallowed shores. MALCOLM PERSAUD (DWP) tells all and sundry that he completed his own wife SUZI’S ballot form for the IR elections while more serious complaints of ballot rigging have been made by LISA ROBERTS and DAVE ROBERTS (against each other on a left/right split).

The average human body contains 15lb of hydrogen, 27lb of carbon and 97lb of oxygen .

News From the Smirk Free Rooms

The saga of the cocked-up para 10.12 in the Rules section (PFL Monday) continues. It was printed in the agenda as it was submitted to the NEC. It was drafted in that form by the DGS, one HUGH LANNING and evidently not proof-read properly. The howler was missed by everybody on the NEC, and for that matter by the Standing Orders Committee, who evidently didn’t bother to read it either, as they A-marked it. It would appear that there may be some whole paragraphs missing from the proposed new rule, so it will be interesting, assuming a revised edition comes out in a supplementary to compare it carefully with the rule as printed in the agenda. It was also be interesting to know on what basis that variation is being produced because normally such a change would only be accepted if there had been mistyping on behalf of the SOC, or by the printers in the original draft.

Monday’s DWP bash at the Ocean Room has received mixed reviews. While senior members of the PFL thought it was hilarious others said the two comics were sexist, racist, obscene and homophobic; the bar only had lagers and alcopops and what they did serve was grossly overpriced. So much so that the woman who booked it, FRAN HEATHCOTE, was running around the Centre yesterday asking people whether she should tender her resignation.

Civil Rights Campaigner TOKS AINA didn’t run for the DWP GEC this year because he’s fallen out with the dominant LUNITY bloc who wanted to confine him to black and equal opportunity work forever because he was black. He also lobbied for RUDI PANAYI for the Black Section post which did not meet with LU approval because she was regarded as too independent to toe their line. He then was subjected to a whisper campaign when he made his criticisms public. AINA now openly says that the GEC does not represent the members but only the political agendas of the fringe groups they represent and he has torn up his LU card.

Meanwhile one delegate who wishes to remain anonymous decided to use the local Internet Café, unaware that his hotel has ample online provision. Within minutes he was propositioned – offline - by a lady of easy virtue who offered her services for a mere £25. When she made it clear that this did not include tea the delegate made his excuses and left.

JOHN LYONS (MOD West of Scotland ) was on top form in Wetherspoons that night, astounding even COLONEL HARDING by getting barred three times in ten minutes. LYONS was first asked to leave by the landlady when it was apparent that he clearly had had enough. JOHN duly complied but returned two minutes later to order another pint. He was then asked to leave again and this performance was repeated three times before the drunken bum eventually got the message and staggered out for good.

The grim cadres of the SOCIALIST CARCASE spent a more serious evening in a struggle meeting to prepare the troops for strikes to come. Unfortunately the handful of non-aligned delegates who had turned up out of curiosity beat a hasty retreat when LEE ROCK and JOHN BALONEY wandered off into a discourse on “neo-liberalism”.

RALPH GROVES is expected in town today to cover Conference on behalf of the old codgers association. But hopes that he was going to stand free drinks for his old chums all day have been dashed by reports that his job at PROSPECT (see yesterday’s communiqué) was only for three months and it has now ended.

GARY FEGAN is denying Monday’s report that he recently had a heated argument with his former leader STUART CURRIE in the Argyle House canteen in Edinburgh . But mystery still surrounds BUNTER’S plans for the future. He still working part-time in DWP while struggling to get his “consultancy” off the ground. Others say his financial situation will improve dramatically when he marries the woman he’s been assideously courting. She owns her own house in Edinburgh ’s wealthy Harlington suburb and is an SEO or higher in the Scottish Executive. FAT BOY SLIM you will recall lost ten stone on the FATKINS diet last year as his election mug-shot proved. Sad to say he appears to relapsed in recent days and he is fitting his old suits nicely again.

We await the name of the Scottish Gimp caught apparently thieving a prized conference bag at the end of the DWP conference. Our anonymous source reveals only that he was “regular visitor to the podium” – which might mean that he is a well known and frequent contributor to debate, or he’s got a bad case of diarrhoea. In any case, when chased and confronted by the 6’2” trainee (whose name we also lack) the gimp tried to excuse his behaviour by claiming the bag was just left lying on the back of an occupied chair and he was only raking through it for spare pens! It was not, he insisted, a deliberate attempt to find something to match his luminous green Bermudas; an impossible task, he desperately argued, given that the pants become see-thru when wet.

KEVIN McHUGH, Newcastle ’s finest son has been rediscovering his roots. Down the pub on Sunday – a pseudo-Irish one called “O’Neill’s” he could not suppress his scorn at the fake Emerald Isle décor and the third-rate Paddy band. “Ah’m the only reel Irishman in the place,” he bellowed in his best Geordie accent.

The average fart contains 59% nitrogen, 21 % hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane and 4% oxygen.


You can only examine it with gloves on under supervision in a controlled environment – Colonel Islam (on the Lindisfarne Gospels)

It’s a bit like sex then - Bronk

 I nipped out early – it’s all yarble, yarble, yarble Kevin McHugh

 Keith Hagger’s branch is akin to a Shakespearean tragedy Brian Fullaway

Hello, I’ve been sent to be nice to everybody. What’s this anyway?

Steve Cawkwell (at the CS Conference)


Hairdresser: "so what will madam have today?"

Kali Mountford MP (ex CPSA): "well I was thinking about the aniston cut - or maybe a bob?"

Hairdresser: "can I recommend the dead sheep madam?"

Mountford: "oooh, go on then!"


  1. There are 140,000 ladybirds to the gallon (imperial of course)
  2. The computer mouse was invented in 1968 by Douglas Englebart who gave it the snappy title “XY position indicator for a display system