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By Judas Iscariot - WINTERVAL 2005

Christmas comes but once a year we're told but you wouldn't think it these days with the decorations going up in October and the Boxing Day "sales" starting around Guy Fawkes Day. Still, most of us will find the time to mark the birth of Our Lord in the usual way by drinking ourselves silly, gorging ourselves on Turkey and Christmas pud and making fools of ourselves at the office parties we all claim to abhor, unless your name is Clive BIFFA BRYANT (See Judas passim ad inf ).

But time never standstill for the backroom factioneers because this is the season for drawing up the slates that will decide on the hopes and dreams of so many wannabee union leaders next year.

Their "season of goodwill" kicked of with the annual gathering of the 4theMembers group at the Jugged Hare pub in London . A grand total of eleven turned up to this august event chaired by JAKE WILDE under the watchful eyes of GRAHAM STEELE and this includes Sir ROY d'LEWIS, who is trying to form a 4TM faction amongst the Civil Service Pensioners Alliance. A bit pointless as the CSPA can't vote in our elections. Far outnumbered by the number who sent in their apologies, the WILDMEN agreed the list that had been prepared in advance by JAKE, THE MAD MONK and STEELE and it contains few surprises. Apart from a few dupes, like HOWARD FULLER, put in to make the numbers up it's the usual Revenue crowd plus the former Moderati led by MOIRA CAMPBELL.

Though there was some muttering about the need for a subscription based membership to raise money for the 2006 campaign nothing was done. Nor was there any agreement on future policies though JAKE did say he would not oppose LUNITY for opposition's sake but judge every issue on its merits, whatever that means. It was agreed, however, to hold a fringe meeting at Brighton Conference on the burning issue of climate change - that should pack them in!

The LUNITY conference in Manchester was a different kettle of fish with over 150 assorted Trots and gravy-trainers out to do battle for a bigger slice of the action within the Big Tent.

Young MAREK received a welcome befitting a Greek God from the Grandees who were determined to cut the SOCIALIST CAUCUS down to size at their annual jamboree.

The CARCASE had a hard time at Manchester . Their push to reject the pensions' deal they call a "sell-out" and end the alliance with the PCS Democrats (so they could try and get more of their people on the LUNITY slate) failed. For some strange reason a large number of them chose to sit at the front, which was unfortunate for their fragile egos. The Grandees were in no mood for jokes. During the pensions' debate, SERWOTKA, the target of their abuse, let rip at them in no uncertain terms. He informed them that that the deal "had members on board" and none of its opponents, despite weeks of accusations and sniping, had actually come up with an alternative to the deal. There had been no betrayal and he was apparently fed up with cynical posturing. John BALONEY looked on in somewhat a forlorn state throughout the debate. The pensions deal was rubber stamped with a two to one majority.

LEE ROCK (CVB), who miraculously managed to get out his sick bed for the bash, wanted the members balloted over Pensions, but was dismissed by one leading MENDICANT as an "agent provocateur". Surprised he only just noticed really. MI5 don't bother infiltrating the left much these days. They simply take out a subscription to the WEEDY WANKER and have a good laugh at his ravings in private. ROCK'S workmates will be glad to hear he is well, and fit to return to help them in the Dark Satanic Mills of Barnsley.

A number of CARCASE supporters were so shell shocked at the savagery they faced that morning, that come lunchtime a lot simply disappeared, presumably to change their collective underwear. These class fighters did not re-appear, the lure of cheap alcohol being more appealing. BALONEY was mortified to discover his seat on the NEC was (temporarily at least) whisked away from under him. Red BACON only just slipped in. The Grandees could hardly keep their smiles off their faces.

ROCK'S unfettered desire for marriage with the SWP to challenge the LUNITY majority was unkindly rebuffed by a firm "fuck off" according to one SWP source. But the SOCIALIST WANKERS did vote for all the CARCASE motions, unlike the 80 per cent of the delegates who voted for the leadership and endorsed the actions of the NEC and the General Secretary for Life.

Phil PARDOE continues to rule the SWP fraction with his IRON FIST. In the frame for expulsion this month is Rob BRYSON (sorry, Paul) who PARDOE has accused of disloyalty (not agreeing with FILL) and gross indiscipline (voting the wrong way at a London DWP Regional Committee meeting). At this rate there will soon be nobody left for FILL to purge. Meanwhile JOHN MCINALLY was overheard offering to put BRYSON back on the 'straight and narrow' whatever that means. Sue BOND failed to put in an appearance despite the meeting being held in her home town

Did I mention TANSY FELTIS? No? Good! But she did lose every post she stood for despite bidding for the ethnic minority and gay vote by describing herself as a "Jewish lesbian". That's what happens when you don't listen to the SSP Siren.

Though the CARCASE gave it their best shots it barely dented the hegemony of the Mendicant old comrades association who dominate LUNITY. Behind the scenes IR Guru RUNSWICK bucked the odds by coming out well in the elections, mainly because he is a thinker and is tactically strong. In the past he's loyally followed the grandees but now he's taking an independent line largely due to disagreements with Madame GODRICH & Co over LUNITY policy in the new Revenue/Customs department.

His comment in the election address that he wasn't part of any of the factions within LU was a deliberate ploy to open the door for others to back him while he obliquely expresses his concern at the undue influence some groups and political parties have within the Big Tent.

What he really means but dare not say is the domination of the Scottish Socialist Party (SSP) amongst the former Mendicants and through them, the total control of the LUNITY apparatus.

The SSP was founded by TOMMY SHERIDAN, who made his name during the anti-poll tax campaign in the Thatcher era. Now led by COLIN FOX the SSP has six MPs in the Scottish parliament, a weekly newspaper and some 6,000 members. Their influence in PCS outstrips anyone other group or party including their English and Welsh equivalent, the Socialist Party.

In Scotland this NEW JOCKOCRACY decides at SSP LU meetings who the candidates will be for regional committees, and then use a block vote at those AGM's where it comes down to Branch vote rather than individuals, except that it is down to the individual to cast the Branch vote, usually without a mandate. So, all of a sudden the sons and daughters of the SSP are shoehorned in.

If the SSP nationally has no firm view on a policy then the Grandees do nothing. E.g. the SSP cares not a jot whether the DWP go on strike or not, therefore there is no policy, hence the DWP is lumbered with a balloting period cutting right across Xmas - a strike does not assist the SSP, if it did, they'd have been balloted long before now. But if there is the slightest sign of dissent from the party line i.e. whatever Janice or Danny says, then the dissenter can expect to be replaced by anyone willing to do their bidding.

At the recent HMRC conference in Scarborough , one of the SSP's new protégés head butted a "comrade" in the toilets at the LU do in the New George Hotel , then got off with a delegate from another Scottish Branch and then told everyone he had done so much to her annoyance. He also became the subject of a wider discussion his hotel when it became clear he had taken a snort at some of Columbia 's finest marching powder. To top it all, he grossly offended CLAUDETTE HERBERT by asking her if this was the first conference she had attended. He'll know who he is, and we know too. When the ballot papers roll around next year, we'll have a sniff at them to see if his name appears.

And what about BUNTER? Well, FATBOY SLIM is still around threatening to run a Moderati spoiler list if his unspecified demands are not met by JAKE and the MAD MONK. But his major concern is to ingratiate himself with his new LIB/DEM mates these days. It's quite conceivable that the next Scottish Parliament could contain STEVE CARDOWNIE, STUART CURRIE and DAVID HUNTER if their respective madcap schemes come to pass.

Finally, our apologies to Sue BOND'S son, who name was incorrectly reported as LIAM in a previous communiqué. In fact his name is LEON DAVID BOND. Despite being lumbered by his mum with TROTSKY'S name, LEON is a very nice bloke and the least sectarian and boring SOCIALIST WANKER of his generation. He even has friends outside the SWP! We are happy to make this correction and apologise for any embarrassment he may have suffered due to the earlier report.