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Hot summer days in the trenches. The cease-fire holds and we prepare for summer leave and put our cares behind us. The front line is at the end of a maze, between walls with straight faces of the hard, dry earth that testify to the beneficence of summer weather in constructing fastnesses from artillery fire. Life in the trenches in summer is not so unpleasant; indeed, some prefer it, with the excitement of sniping, to the boredom of billets.

It's pretty quiet at Chateau Falconcrest as well. MARK SERWOTKA is away on his fact-finding mission to the West Bank. The grandees are preparing for the GS elections in November which is likely to be a two-horse race between SERWOTKA and ROB BRYSON. What's left of the Independent Left are trying to find a new role for themselves following their poor performance in the polls this year.

Meanwhile the titanic struggle for control of the DH Group continues (see PFL passim) with IAN PARK calling on his followers to march on Falconcrest and demand that the General Secretary intervene , suspend the STEPHEN NORTON clique and call fresh elections. On 29th May the enraged mob (PARKY, MALO HARVEY and DANNY CLARKE) managed to get as far as SERWOTKA's diary secretary, MARION. She listened politely to their tale of woe and said she'd let MARK know. That meant the memo would be at the bottom of the heap when our great and glorious leader returns from solving the Middle East crisis. She did not advise when a meeting could be scheduled despite being in charge of the great leader's calendar. But a week later HARVEY did manage to see DAVE WATSON, the General Secretary's Socialist Party minder who checks the GS' s speeches to ensure the y don't deviate from the grandee line. WATSON assured him that MAREK could spare "an hour of his time" sometime in the future to discuss the problems in DH HQ but they would have to submit a "summary" of their issues beforehand.

It's interesting to see how the antics of a small number of odd mavericks with little in the way of politics from a small branch of around 600 members can cause the leadership so many headaches due to their irrational and strange behaviour. Being elected on the Health GEC now gives them a mandate of sorts, although the Group Constitution changes next year following changes at the Group AGM to widen the voting franchise across the whole Health Group makes their chances of re-election slim - though they did not object to at the AGM in Brighton. PARKY & Co have few, if any, friends in the other branches making up the Health Group.

On the Home Front MARK HAMMOND is still battling to ensure that he remains Group President when HMRC takes over the Home Office group. HAMMOND was number two in the old regime, and he believes he can wheel and deal his way to the top like his old mentor JOHN FERRET. He wants to keep his former PCS21 supporters onside but he needs LUNITY support to get the nomination for the new combined group presidency.

Those mystified at the strange name for his old faction may be interested to know that it was coined by FERRET to stand for PCS "21st century". Wags now say it now represents the total membership of the faction and it should be called PCS20 now MARK has jumped ship or even PCSI9 given FERRET's earlier departure to the more lucrative climes of PROSPECT.

MARK spent much of Conference in Brighton sucking up to the Customs grandees. Drink, alas, makes fools of all of us and HAMMOND is no exception. After several bottles of Shiraz at the Hotel du Vin, he was on his way to the Grand Social when he was distracted by several tall, exotic creatures wearing the shortest of mini-skirts. Fortunately, his companions reminded him that the "Ladyboys of Bangkok" were in town before he could embarrass himself any further. Needless to say he missed all the final Friday morning session for the second year running, as he was too hungover to crawl to the Centre.

Hammond's split from his PCS21 colleagues over "artistic differences" will have caused great satisfaction to his new pals in LU. But most members of the temporarily leaderless sub-faction have been less than amused, and anyone attending the Black Members' Social on 20th May might have witnessed an animated discussion between Hammond and his erstwhile supporters in which the "C" word was used repeatedly (and we don't mean "coalition")..

But the Home Office GEC continues to trumpet its new found unity of purpose. You may wonder why LUNITY in the Home Office are so keen to welcome FERRET's acolyte to their bosom. Well, frankly, they don't have much else to offer. The Trot strongholds of the North West offer uber-geeks such as MARTIN KELSEY who has surely blotted his copy book with JANICE yet again with his attempt to curb her presidential powers (motion A82, defeated). And KELSEY will never be trusted by Home Office members south of the Trent after his sabotage of industrial action in 2001.

In the North East, former NEC member MARTIN CLEMENTS couldn't get elected to a branch officer role, let alone the GEC. In Croydon, UKBA's HQ, JANICE is grooming a crop of obedient minions, but there isn't one of them with the wit or gravitas to take charge of such a potentially fractious group, or indeed who could negotiate their way out of a paper bag with Management.

HAMMOND is seemingly the best of a bad bunch, and also carries a personal loyalty vote from his fellow immigration officers, at least in his own South East branch. Unfortunately the biggest concentration of immigration officers is at Heathrow, where the local branch remains a PCS21 stronghold, and there his personal vote may have declined.

Talking about Conference were any of you in for the great 20p cycling allowance debate? No, I wasn't either but if you check out the report on the PCS website you'll see that KEVIN MCHUGH for the NEC spoke in support of the motion and said he "looked forward to seeing NEC members cycling down from Brighton next year for conference." As this gem was distilled from the conference soundtrack we can either assume it's Geordie mis-speak for " cycling down TO Brighton " or he means cycling from hotels to the Centre. Either way, we look forward to capturing the lycra'd exemplar on video in 2010. MYRTYN JYNKYNS can provide the role model for the bald dwarf.

The latest issue of "4Discussion" the internal bulletin of 4TM contained an amusing article entitled Confessions of a Conference delegate penned by someone called JAMES REYNOLDS who last attended conference in 2001 and found the 2009 version a very different experience. I expect he did, because there wasn't one in 2001. We were under the thumb of the Moderati and the Underlings and the era of biennial conference then - which were held in 1998, 2000 and 2002.

STEVE COMER (PCS DIMOCRATS) had an interesting time at the WALES TUC in LLANDUDNO. The Welshfest clashed this year with the main PCS Conference and COMER was despatched as NEC member to the wilds because every other NEC member refused to go (except DAVE RICHARDS who has a Welsh accent). MARIANNE OWENS and STEVE RYAN suffered the same fate. The OWENS family however was represented at PCS Conference as DAVE OWENS (DWP MERSEYSIDE) is her DAD. Both are SWP members and OWENS (senior) made the same speech that he has made for the past 20 years perhaps OWENS (junior) could take him with her in future.

COMER announced to all and sundry that he was the "Head of the delegation", or "Senior delegate" depending on who he was waffling to.

On the Wednesday COMER decided due to his gravitas that he should be allowed to move his car into the hotel car park and this was agreed. Alas just as COMER drove into the area his passenger door flew open and was hit by a coach carrying OAPs on a day trip reportedly from BRISTOL where, ironically, our hero is a LIB DEM Councillor. The door flew across the road.

The astonished pensioners were treated to the sight of one of their elected officials jumping up and down and yelling obscenities at their retreating coach. It should make for lively surgery discussions back home.

COMER then had to be towed (minus a door) by the RAC several drafty miles to the nearest VOLVO garage where the car was put in for costly repairs. For the uninitiated, it should be noted that the difference between a hedgehog and a Volvo is that a hedgehog has its pricks on the outside. For the studious among you, Volvo is Latin for "I roll over".

Nominations for next year's WTUC are expected to dip. I leave you with this image of Steve taken at the WTUC by a trainee PFL photographer. As you can see, the subject is a bit blurred and jagged round the edges, but this is not our photographer's fault, so he tells me. Viewers are invited to draw their own conclusion, but it certainly illustrates the Latin definition of Volvo and demonstrates why you should not accept a lift from him. Ever. In the democratic environs of PCS, voting is up to you....

Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle, hypocritical, and greedy of gain.

Niccolo Machiavelli 1469-1527


Well, not that late, I just forgot. Cllr. OLIUR RAHMAN of TOWER HAMLETS Council who can (very) occasionally be found working in the DWP (see PFL passim) has defected back from GALLOWAY's RESPECT to the LABOUR PARTY. OILY, who used to tear in to Labour in the council chamber has fallen on his feet and is now in the cabinet. I'm sure that his constituents will understand his constant "flipping" of political parties to line his pockets with additional taxpayers money, should he be bothered to explain it to them.

Max Mosley denies finding F1 teams defiance 'incredibly arousing'.

Following the defection of almost all the big name racing teams from Formula One, Bernie Ecclestone has welcomed applications from new candidates who are rushing to fill the gap.

At this weekend's British Grand Prix, motor racing fans will be entertained by exciting new contestants including:

Dick Darstardly & Muttley

The BBC Top Gear team

The Italian Job Self Preservation Society

Brighton & Hove vintage motoring society

Silverstone & District Women's Institute (childcare arrangements permitting)

1st SS Panzer Division (sponsor: Max Mosley)


Emotional Rollercoaster breaks down

Humphrey Lyttleton's estate delighted by interest in sale of his collection of "Jazz Mags"

Dead MP applied for phantom mortgage

Cher's daughter has sex change 'to look more like mom'

Cigarette finds ideal partner on

Jonathan Ross's filthy thoughts to be pwewecorded

Boris Johnson's hair gains "site of special scientific interest" status

Schools move to abandon i-before-e rule ‘quiet wierd’, say teachers

Drugs deal captured on speed camera