From the inner-city front line to the leafy offices in the shires, members are bracing themselves for the Cameron Offensive amid talk of a 20 per cent across the board cut in budget in every department. Old sweats who joined in the 1970s recall their greybeard supervisors talking about "retrenchment" during the dark days of the 1930s when one in ten was sacked at every level in the civil service. Gone is the talk of the Tories being no different to Labour, No one now has a good word for the Liberal Democrats apart from STEVE COMER. The grandees are trying to stiffen morale with talk of "resistance" when the first blow lands. Others wait for SERWOTKA to take the lead. But he hasn't been seen for the past six weeks.

Well not by us but he's been seen by plenty of doctors. MAREK has now been fitted with a pace-maker and he is out of hospital. But when he gets back in the saddle depends on doctors' orders and as it seems that stress has been a major factor in bringing on his heart condition, that may still be some way off. Latest reports say he will shortly come in for a week, ostensibly to show his face and make sure BOFF hasn't prised open his desk drawers, but will be recuperating during the long, hot barbecue season and not be seen again until the sprogs summer hols are over, ie September.

Chateau Falconcrest is moribund without him - no SMT meetings, no one making any decisions, no one knowing whether to start crawling to HUGH LANNING or CHRIS BAUGH - and now the faction bosses are beginning to think the unthinkable.

In fact, SERWOTKA's illness has come too late for HUGO and too early for BOFF. LANNING could do with the money to bump up his pension but you have to be able to fulfil the full five year term to run for general secretary under rule and LANNING is probably too near retirement to fill MAREK's boots now. BOFF on the other hand knows that if our great and glorious leader bowed out now he'd have a fight on his hand to win the coveted post he's lusted after all his life. BOFF only won the AGS race by fewer than 200 votes and that against a very amateurish 4TM challenge from ROB BRYSON. A serious contender or an Independent Left candidate to split the left vote would make 4TM a certainty at this moment in time.

The problem is simply that BOFF is a bungler and he's got no-one he can rely on - least of all amongst his own MENDICANT ranks. At Conference he had to send TRACY EDWARDS home because she was too drunk to deliver his carefully crafted 'on message' speech at a special meeting of mainly Socialist Party activists. TRACY, who is useful to no-one, least of all the youth she pretends to represent, didn't help by moaning to all and sundry at a young members meeting that no-one appreciates or understands her - least of all BOFF. TRACY came to our attention three years ago, railing at the PFL for being homophobic (our gay stuff is written by gay contributors, we don't make it up, they're entitled to their say) so we keep a keen eye on her political career. LEE ROCK's tiny minded YOOF protege, ROSIE also tried to make a name for herself by similar foolish accusations at conference this year. C'mon LEE, at least tell your troops what to expect at conference! Anyway, as with TRACY's ishoos with us in 2007, there wasn't a case of homophobia to answer. Now go and put the fucking kettle on.

GMB members at Falconcrest are braced for cuts that will inevitably follow the downsizing of public services dictated by the current government. Most staff LU "sympathisers" will no doubt escape the guillotine. Recently, TRACY's line manager gently asked if there were 'any long standing issues' at her (yet another) return to work interview of unexplained absence and being told to "go fuck yersel'", the LM reported this to Madame BURRIDGE and then BAUGH. EDWARDS is a member of the tiny Scottish "political" party SOLIDARITY that supports perma-tanned disgrace to the socialist movement Tommy SHERIDAN. So does JANICE GODRICH. There may be trouble ahead...

Poor old CHRIS really needs to boost his own personal popularity amongst the voting membership and that's going to take some time. BOFF may think he's the only one who can save PCS, but he's relying on GEOFF LEWTAS, who's come back on a part-time basis to hold the fort, FULL-TIME.

So while LANNING and BOFF are carrying on as if MAREK wasn't there - and he isn't - they don't want to push for any premature departure.

HR Supremo NIGEL PEE-ARSE has taken a leaf out of SERWOTKA's book and is also keeping out of the public eye at he moment, but this is largely due to the fact that he's at last realised how loathed he is at Falconcrest. His forte is to attend every function, event and meeting he can and then whack in the expenses claim. This was why MAREK sent him home from the last TUC conference and why he was not allowed to come to Brighton this year. In the Finance Dept the PIEMAN is known for his fondness for expensive wine (when PCS picks up the tab) while his tendency to "work from home", despite his kibosh on others doing it, is because his commute is much more difficult as he can't claim first class travel anymore.

PIEMAN's training budget is still not spent. Nor will it ever be, which is why the 'accords on training' are still not yet released. KAREN CRAWFORD has, so far, published four briefings on 'what will the training be? without there being anybody trained for anything within PCS...

.which reminds me, how do you get to be an industrial officer, is it:

a) do the organising academy & then hopefully get picked up at the end of training
b) be a member of the Socialist Party
c) get a tap on your shoulder to make up the higher grade/officer, ethnic/wimmins numbers?

It's hard to say c) without being guilty of some 'ism of some kind, innit, but, it is often, unfortunately nowadays b) & c) as NIGEL will not authorise training for anything. None of his own staff are HR professionals. All are culled from other jobs - the ex temp librarian; managers with grievance claims against them & temps from agencies given full time status. I kid you not: fuck up in Falconcrest and get offered a personnel position. Is it keep your friends close and yer enemies even closer?

In a time of downsizing - not something NIGEL can or will do - the Personnel Dept in PCS has doubled over the past four years and this dearth of training affects us subs payers, because our industrial negotiations are driven either by untrained 'grace and favour' former MENDICANTS or politically correct appointees.

PAVEL ALAM, another MENDICANT, is the SP member in Organising & Learning and he's tipped to go far after his years of grassing up anyone who stands in his way and grovelling to anyone who might help ingratiate himself with BOFF and the grandees. When Mr NIGEL "Narcissistic" VENES was SNO for organising Edwards & Alam made daily reports to BOFF on his antics (see PFL passim) just to reassure Boff that they 'were on side'.

Meanwhile the struggle goes on in FALCONCREST's fulltimers' GMB union branch. GAUTREY has stood down as the GMB 'president' of the branch after a delegation of the GMB PCS branch council told him they would resign en masse if he allowed his name to go forward again. So it's BOB BARRON for president and BARRY FUGE and SHEILA COONEY for the veeps.

FUDGE is a veteran MENDICANT clone from NEWCASTLE EIGHT days and Ms COONEY is Sarf London 's blessing to the Licensed Victuallers Association, with a grudge against anybody who doesn't take her word as gospel - which is most of the staff at Falconcrest. It is said that cabbies at Victoria turn their lights off when they see her see her staggering out of the pub at night.

FUGE and BARRON accuse GAUTREY of crawling to the PIEMAN and they're spoiling for a fight, but for what and against whom remains to be seen.

PFL NEWS

Colonel Harding of the PFL Firestarters Brigade was awarded a Field Promotion to Brigadier at Conference this year. Please see attached promotion notice. Note that the reference to 'part time nursing staff' reflects his disgraceful behaviour at the CUBAN SOLIDARITY social on the Thursday night. HARDING and his band of brothers persuaded LORNA GARRITY (MoD Catterick) to purchase a kinky nurse's outfit from ANNE SUMMERS and to blag a wheelchair for Harding from the Brighton Centre staff. They then proceeded to the bash (accompanied by 2 paramedics) and made their entrance. As expected they were bombarded with accusations of bad taste and disability discrimination. Mission accomplished!

Finally farewell to GORDON "GORDY THE GOPHER" PATERSON who had a glorious send off with his pals at the FALCON in May. RAMSBLADDER was there for old times sake along with Sir WOY D'LEWIS, DUGGAN, HANSON, STEEL and FRANK CAMPBELL, as well as The Hon. MICHAEL McCANN MP - another member of the old JOCKOCRACY and GORDY's new employer at the House of Commons.

Politics have no relation to morals.

Niccolo Machiavelli

1469-1527

"Weekend" costs British economy £20 billion

At 5pm on Friday afternoon, some 25 million British workers shut down their computers and left the office. They did not return to work for over two days. Economic experts are warning that this "weekend" may have cost the economy up to £20 billion.

Statistician Clare Shivers, from consultancy firm DPS, based the calculation on a mathematical formula involving the total annual GDP and the proportion of the year taken up by the weekend. She says it is a conservative estimate, based only on the eight or so hours most people work in a day. Without the long, 16-hour breaks most workers take on a daily basis, Britain's economy could increase by up to £3 trillion.

Another wasteful activity targeted by the firm's report into productivity is blinking. The average person blinks ten times a minute, and three blinks may consume an entire second of economic activity such as filling in a timesheet or personal evaluation form. The effect of Britain's entire workforce blinking at this rate equates to a loss of 300,000 years of useful work every year. Human beings have existed for only 200,000 years. An advertising campaign to reduce the problem has been shelved after actor David Tennant declined to take part.

A copy of the report was sent to Conservative ministers, who are set to announce that until the economy has fully recovered, workers earning less than £50,000/year should remain at work continuously, with a half-hour break at mealtimes and an hour-long "online shopping break" in the evenings.

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• Americans put oil on the ball in BP revenge plot
• Green claims 'the ball was too round'
• Robert Green admits his mother is Scottish

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