Word reaches me of the strange behaviour of one Michael DUGGAN at the MOD Conference in Scarborough.

Seems that the great man had had a small refreshment, and, having already been rescued by BOYLE from his attempts to pick a fight with a young lad about 10 feet taller than the Sarf Lunnon bruiser, had to be put to bed at about 4.am. This was not without difficulty. MARTIN, being a gentleman, removed DUGGANS glasses and trousers and put the glasses in the trouser pocket and hung the trousers a chair to the accompaniment of MICKEY shouting he was being robbed and threatening to call the police.

Instead of passing out and waking up 4 hours later feeling like shit, in the approved manner, our hero instead decided that he was still thirsty and re-appeared in the bar half an hour later, dressed only in his underpants and demanding Chardonnay. Horrified bar staff understandably refused to serve him and roughly bundled the diminutive THUGGAN out of the Bar, only to find him a few minutes later, washing his hair in the ladies toilets. As one does.

Later that morning our hero failed to turn up at all for MOD GROUP CONFERENCE, locking himself in his hotel room and ignoring all calls, texts and entreaties from his GEC officers, who were forced to re-allocate all MICKEY's conference speeches for the day amid Emergency Motions calling for the reinstatement of RALPH GROVES led by COLONEL HARDING of the PFL FIRESTARTERS BRIGADE.

Only a hoax text from BELCHAMBER, alleging the sacking of the manager of CHELSEA FC, finally flushed the great man out of hiding. Hotly denying that he had in fact worn only his underpants in the bar the previous night, DRUNKEN insisted vehemently that he had in fact been wearing his glasses as well. Eye witnesses also say the former scourge of the TROTS lied about the glasses. He was later seen in the evening in his green Celtic supporters suit - the one with "I love the Pope" embroidered on the breast pocket.

MICKEY DUGGAN is 53. His contract says so.

BASIL HANSON is not, as previously reported, at Victoria. He is in fact at FALCONCREST. Apparently he knows where the bodies are buried, and it's safer to keep him in the tent pissing out.

CRASH day is due to arrive shortly for the new membership computer system. JOHN HICKEY reports there's nothing wrong on the data side, and GORDY THE GOPHER says the technology works fine. The only trouble is the data and the technology aren't on speaking terms with each other.

There is no truth in the rumour that as part of research into improving the PCS website JIM DORAN accessed a porno website from HQ.

GARRY GRAHAM, the former pin-up of the CPSA Research Dept had been buddying-up to one-time Broad Left, later BL'84 shining light JONATHAN BAUME - now FDA GS - for some time, and when JON-BOY convinced the FDA Executive to create two new posts at DGS level he let it be known that one of those was wide open so long as he could be assured of the other going to young GAZ. One ROBYN DASEY however, whom JON inherited with the furniture at FDA HQ, who had long considered herself de facto DGS, siezed the opportunity to nobble the GLAMOUROUS CALEDONIAN's chances at the selection committee's pre-meeting social. By the time the furious JONATHAN got wind of her treachery the damage was done, and a deflated GAL flounced off to PROSPECT in a huff.

ROBYN has since been made an offer she couldn't refuse...