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MAGAZINE - SPRING 1982

FALKLANDS LATEST INVASION! by our Staff Reporter on board the"H.M.S. Gravy Train"

In a dramatic communiqué issued late last night, the Ministry of Defence in London confirmed that British troops had landed in the Falkland Islands (which the Argentines persist in calling the Islas CPSA), and had recaptured them with few casualties. First reports from the Argentine capital, Buenos Balham, denied that an invasion had taken place, but later confirmed that heavy fighting was continuing.

This bulletin brings you exclusive details of what happened. The battle began just after midnight when both sides started pounding each other with powerful shells of the “election propaganda” type, The battle of nerves had begun, and only time could tell which side would fall asleep first. The British Task Force then put into action the plan known as “Operation Broadleft” and landed on the Falklands (Islas CPSA) on three fronts, which were as follows:

“Militant", the largest force, which came ashore between Trot Bay and Clone Island; “C.P.”, which wavered for a time before landing by the Argentinian base at Margareta de Withamo; and last and least, the “Labour Leftover” force, which seemed to have no clear idea of where it was going, first headed in the wrong direction before finally coming ashore at Careerist Island.

The first objective of these three fronts was the capture of the capital Port Nightingale, which was successfully taken after fierce resistance from the CIA-trained crack Argentine battalion “Commandante Grahamo”.

Meanwhile at sea a furious naval battle was taking place, and the following Argentine ships were reported sunk: the “Senorita Fosdal”, the “Juan Butcher", the “Alberto Carr” the “Juanita Wilde”, the “Senora Devenish” the “Francisco Pemberton”, and the “Maria Hickmano”, as well as a number of other smaller vessels. Argentinian ships which escaped were the veteran old battleship, the “Katarina Losinska”, now believed to be badly dented, the huge aircraft carrier “Patricia de Womerslob”, and the small submarine “Juan Billouin”, now believed to be crippled.

British losses include the H.M.S.Dunk, which was sunk without trace, and the H.M.S. Corbishley, which, although it was not in the Task Force, set off anyway but sank after being hit by a block vote at Leeds Trades Club. A Ministry spokesman also reported that a helicopter of the Alderson class had ditched into the drink, but stressed that this was normal for this type of craft.

General Carlos von Elliottieri, hated leader of the Argentine junta and prominent Nazi, was last night reported to be furious after being toppled from power, blaming his defeat on the powerful British unit known as the P+T Group", whose united action ensured the success of Operation Broadleft in the Islas CPSA. However, early this morning, the four commanders of the P+T Group, General Wood, Captain “Bastard” Barker, Major “Blunder Roberts and Colonel “Wank” Campbell (as they are affectionately known to their troops) were each claiming the credit for the victory and threatening to put the other three before a court-martial. A struggle for supremacy seems inevitable here.

Of the invasion force, the “Militant” front was the most successful, and on taking control of the islands, they nationalised the top 200 penguins and introduced a 35-hour working week for all sheep. The Governor's Palace, Park House, was also seized and renamed Ted Grunt Memorial House. A vessel of the “Opportunist” class, the H.M.S. Cardownie was reported to be steaming backwards and forwards between the various elements of the Task Force not knowing which to join, while H.M.S.Socialist Coconut and H.M.S.Redder Tripe are believed to have suffered engine damage which caused the ships to veer permanently to the left. They are now thought to have sailed off the political map.

Meanwhile the jubilant commander of the Task Force, Admiral Roddy, a sprightly well-dressed man with a soft spoken Geordie accent, was settling in, after months at sea, at his new HQ in Port Nightingale. He denied rumours that he would be assisting in the capture of the nearby POEU islands, and also denied stories circulating of splits in the Task Force. However, he did remind commanders of the “C.P.” regiment and the “Labour Leftover” brigade that must observe strict discipline or they would be replaced by his own nominees. He also claimed that the 3-man right-wing junta in charge of the Buenos Balham regime i.e. General Carlos von Elliottieri, Generalissimo Alexandro Graham and the feared head of the secret police, General Juan Ellis, would soon be toppled and replaced by a more liberal regime.

STOP PRESS: Government officials in Buenos Balham vehemently denied persistent rumours that the British had captured their top pilot, Wing Commander Stanislaus de Losinska during an abortive Argentine air raid on a well-known china and glassware store in Croydon. (Shome mishtake here surely - Ed.)

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LETTER FROM MENTMORE TERRACE

Dear Sirs,

Might I be permitted the use of your esteemed columns to express one or two observations concerning the problems facing the “Mendicant” faction in the forthcoming months.

The fact is, Roddy is in trouble. Although he and his henchmen in the Newcastle Geordiebunker believe that Tyne & Wear is at the centre of the universe, the truth is somewhat different. According to Old Sean's Law, influence in CPSA declines in inverse proportion to the distance of your branch from the Nightingale hostelry. This means that unless Roddy moves to London, he cannot hope to control events. Roddy however, claims he is content to remain in the sticks.

He underestimates the difficulties he will face. There is only one way he could effectively run the union without moving south, and that is by controlling the London Broad Left. The trouble is, as Roddy knows well, the London Broad Left is a notoriously difficult body to keep in order. Riddled with Stalinists and ultra lefts, to say nothing of the sinister attempts in past years by the PFLCPSA itself to gain control of the LBL, Roddy has no one on whom he can rely. He and Pat Byrne, the logical choice for his right hand man in London, hate each other and have had a long running battle within the RSL over policy differences. John Shit, another possibility, is too closely identified with the PFLCPSA (which Roddy loathes), as is Steve Arseworth, another MoD clone. Spagnol and Andy Ward are morons while loser Steve Dunk and former Mendicant London supremo Chris Rogers are also out of the running.

This leaves Roddy with only one option. It's a dead cert that 2 or 3 leading clones will mysteriously find their way via a transfer into London offices in the next few months. I give no names away but they will have Roddy's complete trust, and a free hand to smash the London clique. LBL, you have been warned.

Yours sincerely,
JOHN MACREADIE

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THE RESULTS

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The sweeping Red gains in England's major State employee union, the C.P.S.A. once again has heightened speculation as to the, future of Al Grandhomme and John Ellis, his chief lieutenant. Though both labor bosses have hated each other for the past ten years they were able to patch up an agreement in order to capture the G.S. and D.G.S. posts last fall, and the success of their machine earlier this year had led to expectations of similar victories in May. The poor performance of the Democratic Daylies Group at the recent elections, which produced the biggest defeat in their existence, is being attributed to the Elliot ticket. Though successful in the primaries, he did not have the whole-hearted support of the Daylies Group, many of whom are believed to have voted for favorite sons in preference to the Idiot/Losinska slate.

Ellis's preoccupation with staffing changes at Balham, Nightingale Lane and Park House, his introduction of the spoils system and his support for the grandiose scheme to build a replica of the Pentagon in Lavender Hill clearly distracted him from putting great effort into the Daylies Campaign, and clearly his effort to consolidate his grip on the Capitol has been halted, if not set-back.

Charlie Idiot, from the northern plains state of Yorkshire has pledged to fight again, despite pressure to stand down in favor of Losinska, who is eligible for nomination again next year. The Daylies primaries are set for October in Nottingham but already there are reports of venues being changed and a new party being formed, designed specifically to exclude Idiot.

Al Grandhomme, who can gain some satisfaction at the discomfiture of his former enemy Ellis, knows full well that Big John is beholden to him for everything, while at the same time will have to carry the can from the Reds for all his mistakes. Believed to be content to sit it out for a year, he can reap the reward at next year's polls, when the Red bloc is expected to fall following the complete collapse of the CPSA's economy. Knowing full well that within the Reds lie deep divisions, he can be expected to take advantage of them to the full, in order to divide what seems at first glance to be a monolithic bloc.

His office is discounting rumours that Mrs. Losinska will appeal to the Supreme Court to have the elections invalidated aware that a similar move by the Reds could lead to a re-run of his own and Ellis's elections, with no guarantee of victory.

Idiot too, needs time to regroup and regain his seat in the Legislature, expected within weeks, and would not wish to be caught in a snap campaign before the Pay and Megaw Conference in the fall.

Similarly, the Knights of St. Columba who anticipated heavy recruitment during the Papal visit are revising their plans, quickly denying allegations that the sole purpose of this organisation has been to enable John Raywood reach to the stars.

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FEARS OF A HERO
A Sensational New Story.

By Roxanna d'Lisle(The Story So Far: "L", a wartime flying ace who has languished for an eternity behind a humble grocery counter, has had what seemed, at first, a chance encounter with the mysterious "Count R".
Hesitant, fearful, he has agreed to one last mission.
Now Read On……….)

00. 01 hours at an abandoned bomber station somewhere in eastern England. An ageing man in a uniform that has hung untended in a Streatham potting shed for 36 long years waits anxiously for the two words he had thought never to hear again.
Dimly, like the frail fingers of a November mist, they come to him through the time darkened integument of the `ghost plane in which he sits. - "Chocks" is the first word, "Away" the second.

Will they move? Can the crumbling tyres of the old Lancaster take the strain ? For a moment; he relives the fears of his heroic youth, then relaxes as the great bird gives a throaty roar, lumbers across the ravaged tarmac, accelerates and, with a surge like the moment of first love, leaps into the skies.

Poland! Home! To think he will see her again, will be bearing the tiny slip of paper that means hope to his enslaved countrymen! And to think that this fragment, this token of the pounds which England had once given of her bounty and had then so swiftly, so cruelly, withdrawn, should have come from the one person on this earth in whom he had the right to trust, but who had abused that right with such abandon.

As the dark, oil-drenched waters of the North Sea swirled beneath him, `L' saw again the beautiful young girl who had captured his heart and uplifted his soul in those years when beauty, yes, even soul itself, had seemed to be dead.

But Why, Oh Why, had she demanded that he return with a receipt for her gift? That was the one thing he could never know, and durst not bear to ask.

(Next Week: Appointment With Peril!

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RACING ROUND-UP

BALHAM NATIONAL HUNT

4 Day Declarations, Runners and Riders

2.30 NATIONAL ORGANISER'S TOWN PURSE HURDLE (Us$27,500)

4. 021 DOUG MURDOCH (c,D) 39-14-7 ……..
Mrs D Warwick

5 021 MIKE MAXFIELD (C,D) 38-11-5 J.Ellis
A Graham

7 FP1 RALPH GROVES C,D) 37-10-5 ……..
A Ritchie

9. 000 RAY ALDERSON 32-11-6 DOUBTFUL
M Costello

10. C.FINLAYSON 36-9-6 ........
C Elliot

11. SPOOK WOOD 42-11-5 ........
C Elliot

12. F CAMPBELL 43-6-5 ........
C Elliot

14. GEOFF BARKER 29-11-4 ........
C Elliot

16. J.ROBERTS 64-11-3 ........
C Elliot

19 FRANK TAYLOR 56-10-9 .........
T . Ainsworth

SP FORECAST - 15-8, Campbell,11-4 Murdoch,5 Finlayson, 6Taylor, Maxfield 20 bar
1959 Alex Ritchie K.S.C. (Evens F)

Captain Gimcrack writes-
This is a large field for the coveted Town Purse Hurdle and while many novices have been entered one should not imagine that we will witness a walk-over. Though North Country trainer Charlie Elliot has entered his entire stable, and has had some spectacular wins in the past, he has been conspicuously unsuccessful in getting stock capable of following their footsteps at Balham, at least in the post-war years.

`They are all good colts' he said to me last Friday beaming confidently despite his disappointing run at Brighton, but this classic, which hasn't been run for twenty years demands great determination and stamina, and may be just a little to long, even for Elliot's reach.

Alistair Graham, whose Weybridge stables moved from Newcastle fifteen years ago had been quietly confident until last week. Reports from the stables suggest that Maxfield has performed badly at his trials and may disappoint his fans on the day.