Round and About

By Judas Iscariot

Everything changes and nothing changes in PCS at the dawn of the SERWOTKA era. The faction bosses are planning their next moves and the ones after that. And the focus is next years elections. STUART CURRIE is being quite stoical, claiming that the Moderati vote wasn’t too bad despite the fact that it was the biggest disaster in the Moderates’ history while LES PRIESTLEY was equally bullish about his chances in the IMPERIALIST HOTEL last night. His first objective will be to get the Moderati maidens on the NEC on side – which shouldn’t be much of problem with PAULINE ABRAMS at the helm. A few months ago dear PAULINE and a number of other top Moderates were at a bash at the London residence of the American ambassador to the Court of St James when she spied a spiky-haired celebrity at the other end of the room. She rushed up to him and said “Oh Mr Kennedy I love your music” under the impression that he was indeed the great violinist. He modestly nodded in agreement and moved on. The following week she saw him again on television doing his cookery programme. He was, of course, NICK RHODES, the almost famous chef.

And 2004 will also see a contest for the post of Deputy General Secretary. ALAN CHURCHARD is finally retiring to spend more time with his money and his mate LEIGH LEWIS, which means that another juicy job is up for grabs. But who for? Well the Moderati are certain to run MARTIN BOYLE. It’s going to be a closely contested race. SERWOTKA favours his old comrade STEVE BATTLEMUCH, who left CPSA in 1999 when he realised he was getting nowhere, to work for OXFAM. When MAREK won the GS post in 2001, STEVE soon forgot the poor and needy, returning to the service as a high-grade SEO in the Home Office and clearly would abandon his new career if the price was right. But PRATTLEMUCH, a maverick TROT like MAREK, is not the flavour of the month with NOSFERUNDY. The Underlings favour the loathsome LANNING, who came second as you recall in the only election he has ever stood for in his life. If HUGE bottles out then the fall-back could be MICKEY DUGGAN. But there’s two problems. The Assorted Trots will never back LANNING let alone DUGGAN. And MICKEY will only run in a three-horse race if he thinks he’s got a 150 per cent chance of winning.

But back at the Winter Gardens there were plenty of faces to brighten up and otherwise dreary day. STUART HARDING, the notorious MOD arsonist had to rush back to his hotel mid-morning to grab his betablockers. Thank God he remembered to stuff his 40 fags and beer money into his pockets before he left.

MARTIN JENKINS was not so fortunate. Poor MARTYN had decided to entertain JANE ROGERS and STAN STENNETT with his images of photos taken at last year’s Brighton Conference stored on his laptop. But STAN and JANE were horrified when half-way through the borefest an image of two naked lesbians from his private collection of erotica popped up.

And while we’re on the subject GERRY McMAHON and Assorted Comrades kept up the socialist tradition at the RUMOURS Bar on Monday night. RUMOURS upholds the principle of equal opportunities by employing scantily-clad bar staff of both sexes.

New full-timer on the block BARRY FUGE has been seconded to PCS on £24,500 a year. The NEWCASTLE EIGHT martyr and former TROT firebrand has been bragging that he no longer pays PCS subs as he is now a member of the GMB (Membership no.161030E). Apparently he was taken to a posh restaurant in LEEDS by GRAHAM COCKBURN who said: “You’ll have to get used to this as you’re now one of us”.

Meanwhile former high-caste full-timer and SOCIETY Commissar boss NICK SHITE (above right) was wandering around trying to find someone who still remembered him. Fortunately the day was saved by CHARLIE COCHRANE (on the left), another old fart who potters around doing nothing these days.

JOANNA ABRAHAMS, Blackpool branch, unfortunately won’t be with us today. JOANNA, who is LADY MAYOR of this fair city, is attending a GARDEN PARTY at BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

________________________________________________________________________________

A New PCS is Possible

By our Financial Correspondent

The emergency general shareholders meeting of PCS plc has taken place following the extraordinary events of the past few months culminating in the departure of CEO Barry Reamsbottom and the entire board of directors following operating losses estimated at £7 million.

Chairwoman, Mrs Janice Williamson, expressed her full confidence in the new management team headed by Mr Mark H Serwotka whom she described as a “new broom” who will make a “clean sweep”.

Brand Performance

The Moderati label is to be scrapped and replaced by an exciting vibrant variety of new products including “Planet Caucus”, “Undyworld” and “Top Jock”, the personal project of Mr Serwotka’s marketing consultant, Mr John McCreadie. A number of PCS Co-ops will be retained under the control of Unity Group (NUCPS Ltd). Membership First Ltd will be restructured as part of the new “Undyworld” chain. Mr Robert Bowman will take over the day-to-day running of general sales. The residue will be managed by Fr Lesley Priestley and Mr Edward Ewers.

Planet Caucus will focus on youth and women with an aggressive sales team led by Marketing Manager Mr Charles McDonald. Mr James Wilson-Undy OBE will be responsible for developing Undyworld which will concentrate on the lucrative senior citizens market while Top Jock will have a general appeal to the man in the street.

Head Office Rationalisation

Mr Barrington Fuge has been appointed Northern Sales director drawing on his rich experience in marketing Newcastle Eight Ale in the 1980s. Mrs Valerie Stansfield has retired on mutually agreed terms. Mr Martin Boyle, who has been plagued with ill-health, has been relieved of his post of Personnel Director and his future duties are currently under review, along with those of Mr Gordon Paterson, Mr Paul Smith and Mr Michael McCann. Mr James Hanson remains in post.

The new board won an overwhelming vote of confidence in July but outgoing director Mr Stuart Currie remained confident that “the bad decisions made this year would be overturned in the fullness of time”.
Mr Currie will remain manager of the residuary body which administers the operations of the former Moderati outlets.

Presentations

Mrs Stansfield was presented with a cheque for her favourite charity, the Blair Dog’s Home, on her retirement. Mr Richard Wigley was given a gold watch as a token of his years of faithful service. Mr David Allen was presented with an inscribed silver Teasmade in recognition of his tireless work for PCS plc.

______________________________________________________________

So, farewell then Val Stansfield
You edited
The Union journal
You left out the things
Barry told you to leave out.
That’s why we called you
Skippy.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

REDS

By Barabbas

The sleepy backwater that is the Lord Chancellor’s Department (Lord Irvine of Lairg’s mob) has rarely figured large in the annals of PCS or its predecessors, with the possible exception of the risible attempt by the useless Albert ASTBURY to win the presidency of CPSA on the old Broad Left ticket. However, the PFL’s ace agents have recently uncovered political shenanigans on the GEC. Since the merger the Group has had a GEC dominated by a bloc of ex-BL’84, UNITY and Me First timeservers. This coalition has been highly successful in bagging the votes. Over last two years they’ve made clean sweeps over their LCD LUNITY opponents. This year the coalition thought they would carry on as before. But the group received a bit of a shock at their meeting during the January GEC when they heard a statement from Garry WINDER to the effect that a number of them could no longer stay in the group and would be leaving with immediate effect. The statement that was read out failed to shed any light on their reasoning and subsequently two Assistant Secretaries - Glenys MORRIS & Tony WARDLE, plus two GEC members - Garry WINDUP & Geoff LYUS and the Group President - Dave CUNNINGHAM walked out.

At the time, despite many rumours to the contrary, they denied having had talks with LUNITY but subsequently it became clear that they had formed what they call "an Alliance" with the Left. Well, some of the left because LU in LCD was split down the middle by this “alliance” and a number of LUNITY leading lights like Dave VINCENT have refused to stand in this year’s elections. As you can imagine when "friends" fall out this has been the dirtiest campaign ever with all sorts of allegations being made.

Why would a little squabble like this interest the general membership? Well, a little bit of information on the candidates which you won’t find in election addresses always comes in handy: In the past MORRIS and WINDUP were always totally opposed to LUNITY and all its works and they made any number of attacks on them both inside and outside the GEC. Now we find that not only were they on the same slate for the GEC elections but a quick glance at the National LU/PCSD slate revealed that GLENYS was their successful VP candidate and GARRY stood for the NEC on the same ticket and was elected.

The Islamic Left – “Prayers not Politics”

A82 Support Not a penny spent on bullying and homophobia is wasted.
A83 Support. Next business
A84 Oppose Militaristic nonsense.
A85 Oppose This year’s snouts in the trough motion.
A86 Oppose on the grounds of moral turgidity.
A87 Support Fireworks are much too dangerous to be left in private hands.
A88 Yawn Another motion confirming the bleedin obvious.
A89 Support Unfortunate name though. Too close to Learning Difficulties. And the web site’s a bit of a joke.
A92 Oppose our teachings on Workplace Childcare are well documented. (AWPIITH)
A93 Oppose Car insurance. Northern Ireland? Get real.
A94 Oppose how did religion get left out?! Bigots!
A95 Oppose ditto.
A98 Applaud Rambling Motion of the Year.

And it’s farewell T’err’y Adams Err, err, err, umm, err, Ummmm, errrrrrrr, Erm, um, err. You made your point Eventually To those who could stay awake long enough.

PFLCPSA NEWS

So Bibi conference. Just as it was getting interesting. Still, we’ve got a proper one next year. In a proper conference centre. Eternal blessings to the usual Islam, Barabbas and Apollo. Special mention for Picasso who, though too idle to commit a single creative thought to paper, or even reply to an email, did make it down in time for dinner on Tuesday. Hi to Sandy – even though you can’t understand a word of this drivel. (She’s not alone). Not to mention this year’s printers – Minuteman Press
Meanwhile. Money. Whatever you can spare. Now. Is that clear enough?

T-shirts? You must still be joking. For a 1½ day toy conference?! And without Picasso to wield the trusty iron?
It’s not too late for any news, gossips, juicy quotes or questions. Now we’re well and truly web based, it’s never too late. You can reach us any time. So, after the show, why not visit us at:

www.pflcpsa.com

Also, why not join the ALTPCS NEWSGROUP and have your say. You will find the link on the PFL website.

Yes, all men are doomed to inanity: the rabbit may run from the animal farm, but I have learned that all roads lead to the bullet park, and all journeys end in a handful of dust - Pspeciastes 1.8 - Boomer

I shall return and I shall be millions - Eva Peron