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Monday's Communique is really to bring the paperheads up to speed with what they've been missing on the net, but you'll probably see it here first. Don't forget your T-Shirt. Only a tenner. And regular and generous solidarity donations from those at BRIGHTON, please. It helps defray printing (and internet) costs. It's safe this year to give dosh to the old codger with the walking stick, beard and appalling snuff habit - he is not drinking, so most of the funds should get to us. Cheques made payable to PFLCPSA please, and no duds - we know where you live and that you pick your nose when you're browsing.

By Judas Iscariot

Well the week starts here and the Moderati have been drinking themselves silly in victory celebrations all over town. At the OLD SHIP HOTEL the GREAT SCOT has been making his final farewells and toasting STUART CURRIE, who predictably is claiming credit for the Mods triumph. ME FIRST has been crushed. UNITY has vanished and LUNITY is the only other game in town. Just like the old CPSA days.

But not all the Mods are happy with BUNTER. Some say that had he run that nice black lady whose name we can never remember, they would have got the Presidency as well instead of getting that humourless old TROT trout, JANICE GODRICH.

And in Brighton's seedy dives the Assorted Trots are also punishing the lemonade - at least as far as the elections go. They've got the presidency, the general secretary-elect and a bigger bloc on the NEC. All that's missing is real influence and in their secret conclaves bitter arguments are taking place over where to go now.

The SOCIALIST WANKERS, who only gave SERWOTKA qualified support, are leading the attack over the Pathfinder sell-out - which they blame on the weak leadership of the “Socialist Party” in general and GODRICH in particular. They also argue with some justification, that the left on the NEC is now in a weaker position than it was before - as the collapse of the ME FISTERS means they can no longer play off one right-wing bloc against the other.

Of course ME FIRST has retained a presence in Inland Revenue but this tiny band is only committed to pursuing the sectional demands of Revenue, which can only be met through cutting a deal with FATMAN & Co. Doubtless they could use the good offices of DAMIAN CARR whose mobile number is 07876 505802.

So its bibi DONNELLAN who retires this year to pursue his civil service career and bump up his pension, and this will be JAMES UNDY's last conference as well following his ignominious defeat along with most of the UNDERLINGS at the polls.

Now the Moderati are looking to the future. They got to decide what to do about MAREK. They put him in in the first place to keep the loathsome LANNING out. And they still would rather have the toothless TROT rather that the bloated time-server. A few would like BARRY to stay on but this is beyond even RAMSBLADDERS ability and in any case the old git got his pension max and he's looking for pastures new courtesy of his old mate GORDON BROWN. The problem is that the Mods haven't got a credible candidate to run against SERWOTKA. BOYLE would need a lot of persuasion to give up his easy life for the stress of campaign with no guarantee of winning.

But even if they put up with MAREK there are still some old scores to settle and the POLISH HERO will have to play ball with them if he knows what's good for him. For a start McCANN wants REILLY booted out so that he can have his rightful position as Scottish Officer restored. LANNING should be scanning the sits vac from now on because his days are numbered as far as the Moderati are concerned. PRIESTLEY may be made an offer he cannot refuse if he wants to remain on the NEC at all in future. As for NOSFERUNDY - it's back to the Strategic Rail Authority for good. Still he's got a train crash to sort out now…

Six members of the MOD West of Scotland Firestarters Branch were patiently waiting in a queue for a taxi in the early hours of Sunday morning when a local ruffian jumped ahead of them. Showing their usual restraint and political correctness the brave Scots heroically beat the shit out of the bastard. Even worse, the delegate who was most vicious in the attack was one KAREN HAILEY. Eventually BRIGHTON Constabulary's RAPID RESPONSE UNIT arrived on the scene in the shape of a Bobby on a pushbike. He was wittily invited to FUCK OFF by BRAVEHEART and Co, to which he replied “Bollocks to this, I'm off”. The toerag (not a member) was left in the gutter. Delegates drinking in WEATHERSPOONS this week should ensure that they do not order a drink ahead of our Caledonian chums.

By Barrabas

Drunkenness and debauchery in SLOANS, a public house of ill renown in GLASGOW a couple of weeks ago. RAMSBLADDER, having been lured North of the Border under the pretext of addressing a friendly Branch AGM, was instead treated to a surprise farewell beano organised by his few remaining full-timer supporters in PCS Scotland (McCANN and MULDOON).

Under the appropriate banner "GOOD RIDDANCE YA WEE BASTARD", surviving senior members of the JOCKOCRACY like McGOWAN, McINTYRE, McKENDRICK and WELSH, has-beens and never wases like MOFFAT (now a Grade 7 in HR), LEECH and HARKINS, and a London HQ party including the inevitable BOIL and PATTERSON relived CPSA Conferences past by getting completely plastered, singing CELTIC DIRGES and cheering wildly every time BLADDERED or McGOWAN mentioned the election results. BRADLEY & MULDOON reprised their TARTAN TWO RONNIES act, JIM McKAY evoked fond memories of the Good Old Days of quizzes on the QUARTERDECK. Drunken JOCKS beat a path to the Bar while LEECH dredged up memories of the likes of MUFFIN SMIFF and COUNT KOWALSKI, and McCANN droned on and on about ME1st.

By the end, BLADDER was sufficiently tired and emotional to begin publicly threatening not to quit after all - he has of course failed to secure any decent sinecures. Brutally hungover supporters have been wondering ever since if this was just the drink talking...

Notable absentees from the REAMSBOTTOM shindig included HANSON, ALLEN and HICKEY (now viewed as ME1st turncoats by the notoriously paranoid BARRY) and BERNIE WILLIAMS. And while McGOWAN turned up to celebrate his victory, defeated SHO candidates MOIRA CAMPBELL and BUNTER were conspicuous by their absence...

HUGH BRADLEY is 73, and as always insists that this is definitely his Last Ever Conference, in the vain hope of being bought free drink.

Welsh crooner ANDY WILLIAMS, who was on the PCS NEC for about five minutes, will be leaving the Civil Service after a final jolly-up at Conference. He joins turncoats MARTIN JONES and ROB LEECH in the BDA, a pretentious professional association for dentists with sumptuous offices in the WEST END. The oafish TAFFY will however be consigned to CARDIFF and not allowed into London without his passport. His new employers, who required his services weeks ago, think he's on a long-booked holiday, which is not far wrong, but unless we receive the customary donation by the end of the week we'll be printing the name of ANDY's new line manager for his former WELSH OFFICE comrades to write to with the real reason for his messing them around.

Meanwhile, the Burghers of nearby CROYDON have been repaid for their loyalty to NEW LABOUR (against the trend towards the TORIES in London) by the prospect of the elevation to the Mayoralty of COUNCILLOR COLLINS. A Burger of Croydon, the PORTLY PAUL SMITH was elected to sit (which is all he can manage) for WADDON Ward. COUNCILLOR PORTLY is 73 stone. Oh, and AMANDA got back in as well.

KALI MOUNTFORD MP (ex CPSA DE SEC) has once again been in the news for all the wrong reasons. Regular readers will recall how, in her first term of office as Hon Member for Colne Valley, KYLIE suffered a reprimand and 5 days suspension from Parliament for leaking SOCIAL SECURITY SELECT COMMITTEE papers to DON TOUHIG MP, in breach of privilege, then lying about it to the House and blaming the lapse of truth on her "illness"; this time, our heroine was among the LABOUR MPs absent (on the sick; quelle surprise) from the TREASURY SELECT COMMITTEE allowing the TORIES to knock back the first socialist tax rise in a quarter of a century!

KYLIE's health has long given cause for concern, and old CPSA DE SEC lags recall how the great woman was incapable of work or union duties for over a year due to ME, yet bravely clung to her SEC seat. How she copes with the more onerous duties of an MP is a matter of continuing astonishment. As of course is how she ever got selected in the first place - we can only assume that NEW LABOUR took a surprisingly forgiving view of her record of voting "NO PENALTY" for TROTS found guilty of EMBEZZLING UNION FUNDS, since we are certain that KYLIE would not have hidden this vital part of her CV, would she?

The Home Office GEC met recently (their 4th meeting this year) to discuss last year's pay yet again. They decided to resurrect the campaign and ballot for action. They also decided to discuss a motion of no confidence in the FTOs TED ELSEY and JEREMY GAUTRY, who told them they couldn't and so did the President. The FTOs promptly walked out of the meeting, only to be approached later to ask if they were willing to alter the minutes of the meeting to reflect their presence. A long meeting then took place between the FTOs and Serwotka. Expect the HO GEC to become downgraded to a co-ordinating committee. Watch this space.

Word reaches me that the Moderati didn't check their mailing list for accuracy: relatives of dead members were not amused to find the Yellow Peril landing on the doormats of the deceased. (But perhaps they were counting on the dead constituency for votes).

JOE COX has resurfaced in the CSA in Newcastle. He has lost weight and now only weighs in at around 20 stone. Still a taxi driver he now co-owns a firm in BLYTH Northumberland. A leading FREEMASON in Cramlington, his hometown, JOE LE TAXI recently flooded the Longbenton site with leaflets extolling the likes of MOIRA CAMPBELL who apparently he has a crush on! One can only hope they do not produce offspring. The leaflet drop nearly resulted in some hapless messengers being disciplined as they had been under the impression that the leaflets were official literature.

Still oop North, a civil servant who bared all during a Royal visit to Newcastle has been ordered to keep his distance from THE QUEEN when she completes her visit to the North East. BRYNN RICHARD REED, who works in the Pensions Department of the DSS on Tyneside, has appeared before North Tyneside Magistrates.

The 27-year-old has been charged with outraging public decency following his streak in front of the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh when they visited St Mary's Cathedral. Magistrates were told that the offence will have to be heard at Newcastle Crown Court. Reed of Stormont Street, North Shields, did not enter a plea when he appeared before the court. Neil Pallister, prosecuting, asked the court for a two-week adjournment and for Reed to be released on conditional bail.

The conditions imposed were one of residence and one that he did not go within 200 yards of the Queen, who is visiting County Durham.

And finally, LESS MORGAN isn't getting any. Less that is. We announced his last conference back in the 20th century but we still bump into the Welsh buffoon at the first sniff of a barmaids apron. Speaking of LCD MATTERS, probationary pillock status is herein granted to MIKE LOATES (PRFD) for putting up his branch's censure motion against the SEC following the complete dearth of motions in the conference Equal Opportunities section. Did he give any thought to proposing an Eq. Opps motion himself we wonder.


The Lawyers are in town and sharpening their quills. If the SOC have published a bunch of motions largely concerned with a certain outgoing General Secretary, who shall remain nameless, they'll all get sued except for SIR WOY de LEWIS, who thinks he's covered his arse by minuting his agreement and recommendation to follow the legal advice NOT to publish. We think Cabinet Responsibility applies.
The Islamic Left is unwell. However

Osama bin Laden phoned President George Dubya
"I had a dream about the United States", he said. "I could see the whole country,
and over every building and home was a banner"
"What was on the banner?" asked the President.
"LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered the terrorist scum.
"I'm glad you called", said Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."
"What did the banner say?" asked Osama.
"I don't know", answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

Probationary Hero Status will be awarded to the first deep cover agent to raise our customary Point of Order to advertise our eternal presence. Daily debriefing in WEATHERSPOONS (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes. Official T-Shirts are now available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10.

Costs Continue to Rise so extra large and entirely voluntary donations are desperately needed to ensure daily production. Please give generously and often. Cash preferred, but cheques made payable to PFLCPSA are acceptable, backed by a current cheque guarantee card. It's safe this year to give donations to the bearded chap with the walking stick, Oxfam suit and appalling snuff habit - he's not drinking. Remember - we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Paradise.

The Website is up and running (on the web since 1978) at

Do not rejoice, all you Philistines, that the rod that struck you is broken. Isaiah 14:29 Revised Enron

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