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Round & About
By Judas Iscariot

While most delegates were recovering from the excesses of Tuesday night or losing their money at Brighton Races more sober men were creeping around the Centre planning their next moves. And none more than LES PRIESTLEY. The MAD MONK not only thinks he's Kingmaker, he dreams of being King.

MEFIRST are in disarray. LORD UNDY is putting a brave face on the debacle of the elections but he is telling all and sundry that he's going to keep his hands on the tiller regardless. But DONNELLAN would rather spend more of his spare time on his drinking and cricket and SARAH JONES wants to spend more time with her constant companion these days.

It's a simple equation. The MODERATI have an overall majority on the NEC with 24 seats. Lunity have got 12. Me First won 9 - all but two are Priestleymen from the Revenue and there is one independent. Now the Mods have a very clear of idea of what is going to happen next. First of all they've got to steamroller Barry's extension of service, and clip SERWOTKA and GODRICH'S wings. They've also got to ensure that the rule amendments and the agreed rules revision conference are all rejected so that “suitable” guidance can be given to the members when they go to ballot. A simple majority of 2 is not enough. Illness and annual leave could cut the Moderati majority in the face the face of a three-line whip from a combined opposition. A two-thirds majority would be required for any serious move against MAREK or GODRICH and it would come in handy to deal with any counter-swipe against BARRY from the TROTS.

This is where PRIESTLEY comes in. But if he thinks the Moderati are going to give him everything he wants, he's much mistaken. They've pointed out that if he seriously wants to become president then there is only one bloc which can help him. They've also said that if his Revenuemen want to keep their Group finances ring-fenced - a privilege granted to them during the merger - they'd better play ball with the Mods.

It's a dilemma. The MAD MONK is in no mood to listen to reason from UNDY and he feels that the mantle of ME FIRST leader rightly belongs to him now. But he can't be sure of the loyalty of BIOSAH and YOUNG if he jumps into bed with the JOCKOCRACY. At the end of the day, though, the ageing hippy has nowhere else to go. The 30 pieces of silver are in a bag with his name on it.

Talking about PRIESTLEY, he followed the Moderati line of opposition to the Pathfinder dispute when he sat on the National Disputes Committee and the NEC. Wrongly, and in common with BA and ES management, the Moderates believed that the dispute was being stirred up out of proportion by a bunch of hotheaded London activists, and saw it as an opportunity to stick an early knife into SERWOTKA. After all, the GS elect's political stablemate CHRIS FRAUD was running the dispute down Wembley way. However, across town in Streatham, that notorious hothead SIR WOY's branch had also been told that the screens were to be ripped out. (The full - and genuine - Pathfinder Dispute history can be found at ).

With no negotiation possible, admin and executive branches in ES and BA in the 2 areas were balloted for all-out action on 85% strike pay, which they won. Both branches did their utmost to raise awareness of the dispute, travelling up and down the country speaking to members in office car parks or pavement meetings (they were not allowed on official premises), all the while being starved of support from those who had political scores to settle. Vital circulars to be issued before further strike ballots were inexplicably delayed, neither the ES or BA GECs nor the NEC sent speakers out to address meetings.

The dispute was allowed to wither. For a while LUNITY and ME1st were able to keep the Moderati at bay on the NEC in order to keep the dispute alive in the face of a totally intransigent management. The failure by the NDC to use the powerful weapon of an overtime ban for which a winning ballot was held was the final nail in the coffin, and the union capitulated to stave off bankruptcy.

Heroically, SERWOTKA and a large part of LUNITY (which is split on the matter) took the opportunity to claim that accepting an agreement that was unacceptable 6 months previously was a great victory. But even the SOCIALIST WANKERS believe the members were sold out. Predictably, the Moderati are in “told you so” mode. This dispute about safety should never have become a factional pawn. None of the factions has won, 300,000 strike days cost the members £7M and there is still no guarantee of the DWP members safety. It was the members who were stabbed in the back as a result of political infighting in PCS - management were allowed to starve the strikers back as strategy was squabbled over. Here endeth a very expensive lesson. If any of you are awake during EM4, vote AGAINST this self indulgent NEC bollocks. Ah. That's better.

By Amphibalus

Meanwhile life goes on. STEVE RICHARDSON, the other night, was in his normal state at the Belgrave Hotel. In the bogs he turned to PETE COGBILL and asked for a comb. COGBILL is as bald as a coot.

I hope you've all pleased at the new seating arrangements in the Hall following complaints of overcrowding because so many fat people have turned this year/ You ought to. It's cost an extra £4,000 out of your subs.
Useless SOCIALIST CARCASE members in the DETR London Branch spent all Sunday night slagging TONY COMMIE off at the LUNITY meeting Sunday night for being a “little Englander” over the EMU question. The next day the branch voted for COMMIE under the mistaken belief that he was on the LUNITY slate. As it happens he lost anyway.

We were all pleased to see the dapper JOHN ELLIS yesterday helping out on the Civil Service Pensioners Stall. He's looking well. Not surprising considering that his firm has got the publicity contract for the new pension scheme. Clearly no conflict of interest here.

According to our junior colleagues in the Yorkshire Soviet, the BORING STAR social was a rip-roaring success on Tuesday. At least 19 people including CONWAY, GREEN, HALFPENNY and ALDERSON turned up. The youngest person there was CHRIS KIRK. ALDERSON put £90 into the collection. HALFPENNY claims he stole £50 from it when the cap was passed to him.

The Life of St Barry of Falconcrest - Chapter the Second

He did Good Works. And lo, it came to pass that St Barry astounded the multitude with his preachings and parables. He confounded the Malachites, Moderites and Trotskyites with his wisdom. Until one day, one of the members, as the brethren, in those days, were known, sayeth unto him: “We need a new King. For Ellis is old and feeble and not much good. You, from the land of the Scotch, should lead us”. And so it came to pass. Again. From that day Barry smiteth his enemies; the Trotskyites who took to the hills and some unfaithful Moderites, like AMANDA FRANKENSTEIN, who couldn't comprehend his true genius.

The Miracles

The Miracle of the Nomination. From the wastes of the North, a fat Pharisee known as ALAN ENGLAND appeared and began to preach blasphemy against St Barry. “Reamsbottom is a Fraud” the blasphemer said. “I shall run against him”. But when the day came, to open the nominations, England's name had miraculously vanished. SKIPPY saw it with her own eyes. England lost his job and was never seen or heard of again in the Land.

The Miracle of the Inserts. Soon after that, a new trial was sent to test St Barry's faith. A new leader had emerged amongst the Trotskyites. And he was called BOFF. He gnashed his teeth and rent his robes, saying, “How long will the Children of CPSA tolerate this Charlatan?” BOFF assembled a great host of Trotskyites and said “Barry is lost. No man knoweth him” But on the day, a cloud of yellow inserts descended upon the land, inscribed with the names of Barry's faithful followers. And the people were Uplifted and BOFF was vanquished. No one knows where the money or the membership details came from. GORDON PATTERSON and the Lord WHITEWASH attest the miracle.

The Miracle of the emails. After many years of tranquil prosperity, a new wolf descended on the fold. Yet another horde of Trotskyites, led by a man from PO-LAND called SERWOTKA, sought to bring anarchy to the Land. SERWOTKA girded his loins and put on his helmet, saying “Everybody's sick of Barry. This time he's going to get it” or something like that. At this time, St Barry was unable to respond because he was on the front line, struggling with the Pathfinder strikers. Again, his faith was rewarded and the divine hand of God did cause an email to be spammed across the land. The email told his people how they needed to vote and, once again, all were saved. To this day it is not known in the Land, whence came this email or the addresses to which it was sent. Perhaps 10,000 or 20,000 brethren bear witness to this latest miracle.


Voluntary donations are trickling in but revolutionary zeal costs real money. Cough up you bastards.
Amazingly, no one has furnished us with the name of yesterday's martyr who provided our traditional Point of Order. This brave man's heroism cannot be properly rewarded unless we can honour his name.

Daily debriefing in WEATHERSPOONS (If you don't know where it is we don't want you there anyway) During Conference hours we will circulate the usual watering holes. Official T-Shirts are now available from Senior Officers, temptingly priced at £10. “Barry Halo” t-shirts are available to order at the same price.

Have we mentioned Money? This year, it's safe, but not necessarily hygienic, to pass funds to the weirdo with the walking stick, Oxfam suit, appalling snuff habit and little tin badge. Just get a receipt, to be on the safe side. Cash (sterling or krugerrands) preferred, cheques made payable to PFLCPSA are acceptable, backed by a current cheque guarantee card.

Remember - we depend on a small number of brave informers who daily risk life and limb to bring you the truth. If you wish to join this select band, simply approach an Imam with an appropriate supplication. This will guarantee your place in Paradise.

Bribes, of course, are a different matter: if you have a particular item that you either wish to see included, or buried, get in touch and we'll discuss a price. Bear in mind that we reserve the right to approach any other party who may be involved to see if they'll pay more, or if their version of events is more juicy.

The Website is up and running (since 1978) at

“Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble and that day that is coming will set them on fire. (Malachi 4:1) Reviled Enron

Friday will be Sunny in the south with scattered showers

The Islamic Left - “Prayers not Politics”

EM4 Oppose
Words cannot be simply made to mean what we, or the NEC, would like them to mean. It is, of course, necessary sometimes to withdraw from the fight in order to survive to fight another day. This was the lesson of the battle of Kerbella. But the sickening waste of resources, followed by capitulation on terms dictated by the enemy can never be accurately described as “the satisfactory resolution” of a dispute. Unless, of course, you are The Enemy.


A146 Support
Perhaps now is the time to consider the model of Jihad.

A147 Oppose
Why waste valuable resources on patching up the sinking ship.

A148 Oppose
Reamsbottom may be a liar, philanderer, gambler, alcoholic, bully and cheat, but at least he's a God-fearing man.

A186 Support

See EM2 (Wednesday)

A187,188 Oppose
Islam considers homosexuality to be the result of a choice. This from the Noble Qur'an (26:160-175):
"Of all the creatures in the world, will ye approach males, "And leave those whom God has created for you to be your mates? Nay, ye are a people transgressing (all limits)!" They said: "If thou desist not, O Lut! thou wilt assuredly be cast out!" He said: "I do detest your doings." "O my Lord! deliver me and my family from such things as they do!" So We delivered him and his family,- all Except an old woman who lingered behind. But the rest We destroyed utterly. We rained down on them a shower (of brimstone): and evil was the shower on those who were admonished (but heeded not)! Verily in this is a Sign: but most of them do not believe. And verily thy Lord is He, the Exalted in Might Most Merciful."
Need we say more?

A189 Oppose
Spare the rod, spoil the child.

A192 Oppose
The progressive line here would be the return of “Women's Section” to the conference agenda, leading, we would hope to a separate conference for women in the not too distant future. This will help Men avoid the temptation of women.

A195 Oppose
Investors in pursuit of excess profit must accept the risk along with the reward.

A196 Oppose
Quite Right. You get what you pay for.

A197 Support
A man may serve many masters but there is only one God

A200 Oppose
Whilst we would wish to eliminate the involvement of the Global parasites, it would be short sighted to reject the significant opportunities for small businesses who supply goods and services on a local basis.

201 Support
See A118 (Wednesday)

205 Support
But always remember, we learn more from the battles we lose than those we win.

206 Support
We Imams have considerable experience in this field and offer our services at very reasonable rates.

Fascinating facts: The sardine is, in fact, a juvenile pilchard. Serwotka's middle name has no “D” in it. The Whale is not a fish. It's an insect.

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